Marriage and the Power of Divorce

Koushirou said:

No. He's still go no job. Hops online for 15min a day to throw a couple applications in to random WFH data entry jobs, which I imagine most of them are some scammy bullshit anyway. Still has no ideas for what to eventually do for an actual career. He doesn't want to go do retail again, but at this point I'm thinking "too fucking bad," he needs to get fucking something until he finds something better. It's one of the things that's always annoyed me, in that shit has to be perfect, or he won't do it. He won't look for a job unless it's WFH and like some $20-25/hr minimum. When we were looking around for a house, wouldn't consider anything that didn't have every single thing on his list. Shit like that. Literally no one in life is getting everything they want on the first iteration, you have to fucking work up to it, and this is just a foreign concept to him. He still helps around the house, but him not scooping cat boxes every night wasn't exactly the problem.

I've turned into a complete dumpster fire. I'm depressed as fuck, I'm sad all the time, I spend most of the day in bed, I can't stop fucking crying like a stupid pussy. I fucking hate myself. I feel trapped and just want this shit to be over, but at the same time I know I'm going to be miserable and alone afterwards. I've still been trying to...try for my part this month to at least say I did. Tried hanging out more in the living room with him, gone out on date nights to the local pinball bar, etc. Same thing as I've said before, though, there's no spark left in me for him. Still going to therapy, with the current goal of trying to make me not hate the way I look so much, which feels like an impossible task since I've always hated how I look even before I became a fatty. Not going to lie, I've glanced at my gun a couple times over the past week or so, though I've always been too pussy to do that

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He's doing you a favor by not even trying. Even if he had, this was never going to actually get better.

The only way you get better is to get out of there. He's a grown man, you don't have to carry his water or worry about how he'll manage his life without you when he doesn't care to manage it while he's still with you. Especially after you've laid all this out to him and virtually nothing has changed.

If you take steps starting on Tuesday to leave him, I'd be willing to wager that in a year from that date, the biggest thing you'll have to say looking back on it is: why the fuck didn't I leave sooner?

Time goes fast, don't waste any more of it.

I'm sorry he or the relationship you two had didn't turn out to be what you had hoped/ thought it would be. Your physical and mental health can't afford to hold on to the "if only's" any longer.

I know it sucks though.

Koushirou said:

No. He's still go no job. Hops online for 15min a day to throw a couple applications in to random WFH data entry jobs, which I imagine most of them are some scammy bullshit anyway. Still has no ideas for what to eventually do for an actual career. He doesn't want to go do retail again, but at this point I'm thinking "too fucking bad," he needs to get fucking something until he finds something better. It's one of the things that's always annoyed me, in that shit has to be perfect, or he won't do it. He won't look for a job unless it's WFH and like some $20-25/hr minimum. When we were looking around for a house, wouldn't consider anything that didn't have every single thing on his list. Shit like that. Literally no one in life is getting everything they want on the first iteration, you have to fucking work up to it, and this is just a foreign concept to him. He still helps around the house, but him not scooping cat boxes every night wasn't exactly the problem.

I've turned into a complete dumpster fire. I'm depressed as fuck, I'm sad all the time, I spend most of the day in bed, I can't stop fucking crying like a stupid pussy. I fucking hate myself. I feel trapped and just want this shit to be over, but at the same time I know I'm going to be miserable and alone afterwards. I've still been trying to...try for my part this month to at least say I did. Tried hanging out more in the living room with him, gone out on date nights to the local pinball bar, etc. Same thing as I've said before, though, there's no spark left in me for him. Still going to therapy, with the current goal of trying to make me not hate the way I look so much, which feels like an impossible task since I've always hated how I look even before I became a fatty. Not going to lie, I've glanced at my gun a couple times over the past week or so, though I've always been too pussy to do that shit.

Bonus WTF:

Spoiler

Friend online I've known for maybe 2 months has started coming onto me hard, which is something I've never really experienced before. The hell am I supposed to do with this? I've already told him multiple times, sorry, it's not going to go anywhere and tried my best to convince him of what a shitbox I am, but it's not working. He must have some bullshit idea of me stuck in his head that's not even close to reality, I guess. Not even finished dumpstering my marriage and now I've got to take a shit on a friend, too? What a stupid fucking problem to have, Jesus fucking Christ. I can’t stand the idea of having to hurt someone else already.

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Customer service WFH call center jobs are all over the place for 20-25/hr. You have to be actively avoiding work not to run into them.

Have you talked to your divorce lawyer yet? It sounds like you are both checked out, so may as well get the ball rolling.

WTF guy: You need to stop talking to him. Block and walk. He's not a friend, he's looking for someone vulnerable to latch onto.

Koushirou said:

Oh, small thing I meant to write:
The other day he wrote in the journal we’ve been communicating harder shit in that he’d made peace with the idea that we might not be together anymore. I would have thought I’d have felt relieved or even thankful to read that, but instead I just broke down crying for hours. I don’t understand it. Does that mean something? IDK, it just has me confused. Fucking hate being a woman; just illogical as shit and it pisses me off.

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Because you're mourning a kind of death, and this is part of that. You're human.

Koushirou said:

Oh, small thing I meant to write:
The other day he wrote in the journal we’ve been communicating harder shit in that he’d made peace with the idea that we might not be together anymore. I would have thought I’d have felt relieved or even thankful to read that, but instead I just broke down crying for hours. I don’t understand it. Does that mean something? IDK, it just has me confused. Fucking hate being a woman; just illogical as shit and it pisses me off.

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Only thing Ill say because no one can get in your head, or his head and completely understand. The whole nation has been under some weird fucking decline in mood since COVID and I cant for the life of me understand why those two are connected.

You said you "hate yourself" and that its only gotten worse since you've became a "fatty." I dont know you, I dont care what you look like. But regardless of whats going on with him, you need to change how you perceive yourself. Have some determination, some forethought, and make a plan to change the things about yourself that you DONT like. Stop hanging on his every word for approval and seek out your own approval.

You can control your meals now that you're effectively cooking for one. That'll put some type of control on your caloric intake which is the real problem. Visit the losing weight thread if you need specifics. You can go on walks and get out of the house. I know its winter right now, but you can join a gym and just do like a core routine exercise 2-3 times a week. Again, visit the weight loss thread for specifics. Gyms are ridiculously cheap, but if thats something you want to do - I advise going to a mid-tier priced one or higher so you have some actual encouragement around you. Planet Fitness, being surrounded by low T males, and fat people is "not" the answer.

But the idea here is that you'll lose some weight, you'll look better after a few months, you'll feel better because you look better, but you'll also feel better because you're out and away from the house and the situation. God forbid you run into someone at the gym that looks spectacular and wants to fuck your brains out. Not recommending cheating, but damn does it feel good when you're getting that type of attention. When you get that type of attention, your whole outlook will change on your current partner.

Just, take care of yourself and everything else will fall into place. You'll have to start over again with some shit, but itll be ok. I thought you were a gay dude all this time, no joke - but as a woman, you'll rebound way quicker than some dude.

Start working out (go do Zumba or something) and start the divorce - the longer you drag this out the longer it takes to feel better. Be home to go to sleep, otherwise go out and do stuff - there is nothing to gain from sitting around at home.

darkmiasma said:

Start working out (go do Zumba or something) and start the divorce - the longer you drag this out the longer it takes to feel better. Be home to go to sleep, otherwise go out and do stuff - there is nothing to gain from sitting around at home.

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BrutulTM said:

Do exercise. It's great for you and it will make you feel better after the first few weeks when you will undoubtedly hate it. But don't make your self-worth contingent on weight loss. You have to go deeper than that.

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It's just science.

Koushirou said:

Still going to therapy, with the current goal of trying to make me not hate the way I look so much

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I know there's a lot psychologically baked in there, but try to keep in mind that in our age range, physical appearance is not at the top of (nearly) anyone's priority list. Not that you shouldn't try to get healthy, but I guarantee there's no shortage of guys that would be absolutely thrilled to wife you up. Just visit the incel thread for inspiration.

Maybe she wants better than an incel hoping for someone’s leftovers.

She already went that route with her husband who according to her report does nothing.

Getting active is more than just appearance, especially as we’re not 20 anymore. Nothing but upsides to getting healthier and making yourself feel better.

Meeting people when you are out and doing things means you’ll probably find someone who doesn’t just want to sit in the house doing nothing.

Koushirou said:

sucks at MMOs...Jesus Christ, it's so fucking frustrating to watch.

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Your taste in men sounds atrocious!

Daidraco said:

Your taste in men sounds atrocious!

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Almost like he's a member here or something

Koushirou said:

Just don't want another dude that sucks at MMOs...

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Koushirou said:

I mean, I'm not exactly any better. Spend my whole day playing EQ because it's the only place I feel useful. Just don't want another dude that sucks at MMOs...Jesus Christ, it's so fucking frustrating to watch.

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Stop wallowing in...well it's not exactly self-pity but it's a big sloppy metaphysical pigsty of negativity. Your marriage isn't dying, it's dead and decaying. Stop worrying about what's going to happen to your trainwreck of a husband and stop obsessing about how you're going to feel when you're alone because you already are alone. Uninstall Everquest and go for a walk. Get the damn divorce started instead of clinging to the rotting remains of a relationship that is so far gone that a true resurrection spell would probably still fail. Yes I just made a DnD reference while judging you for still playing Everquest, life isn't fair.

I swear if March rolls along and you make another post about how you haven't left your husband yet... I'm struggling to think of a solid threat to make that's funny but also sounds serious with just a small touch of awkward/creepy thrown in to make it seem genuine but by god if you haven't at least gotten divorce proceedings started by then I'm absolutely going to follow through on that currently non-existent threat.

darkmiasma said:

Maybe she wants better than an incel hoping for someone’s leftovers.

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The point wasn't that you can always find someone really shitty. The point was that the shit we're most self-conscious about is often way less important to others. Everyone could use some improvement, but it's possible to find someone that values the stuff you're already pretty good at.