Marriage and the Power of Divorce

Koushirou · 2025-01-29T16:15:21-0500

An update for the curious:

Mentioned in the depression thread a while ago I had finally gotten through the waitlist for a therapist which I wanted to see to deal with my stress and anger issues that had been getting worse. My first appointment ended up just being about the marriage issues, as that's what was more prevalent at the time and was probably causing the stress/anger anyways. Therapist offered to do couples counseling for us and I brought him in the next week. Conversations were good (painful but productive) and we both started working on our individual issues: my lack of good communication and his lack of responsibilities. In between sessions we had a couple of hard conversations, with me expressing that I've pretty much fallen out of love with him at this point romantically.

We had our second joint counseling session yesterday, which again sucked but was productive. He's expressed his thankfulness that I've been honest about how I'm feeling even though it's hard and also that if it ends in divorce, it's not my responsibility to worry about his happiness or figure out what he's supposed to do from there. That made me feel at least a little relief about things. As of late, I've been feeling more and more like a complete shit bag with the guilt of all this. Probably not a surprise, but I've never had any level of self-confidence and while I thought I'd gotten away from most of my depression at the end of college with some therapy and support groups, that was also the same time I met him and I wonder if all those issues were just covered up rather than dealt with. Past couple of years, all my self-loathing thoughts started creeping back and they are all definitely back in full swing now. My next few therapy sessions will just be with me to start working out all my past trauma bullshit and see if that changes how I feel about myself and the relationship (I doubt that it will).

For the husband, he has been trying to improve things. He's expressed that he's fucked up and took everything for granted and wants to try his best to right that. The job hunt has sucked, but every day he's putting in more applications and I hope he gets something positive back soon. He's been extremely proactive around the house with chores, even the ones he normally wouldn't do (the cat boxes). He's also asked to help with cooking and for me to teach him a few basic recipes. Today, he made us both some grilled cheese for lunch with no help or intervention from me. I know it's simple shit, but until now if he couldn't microwave it, it wasn't happening. He also received that last paycheck from his old job, including the adjustment from spreading his salary out over the summer, so he has a few thousand that he's put into savings and can use to find an apartment if he needs to.

We're going to revisit how we feel about the marriage in a month. I feel a lot better with some form of timeline like this, vs. some nebulous we'll work on it and see what happens. I am still wanting the divorce because the feelings still aren't there anymore (though I still care about him deeply, just not as a husband anymore) and I think he'd benefit a lot more from being on his own for once and building himself back up that way. I probably benefit from time on my own again as well to work on my issues. I don't want my baggage potentially poisoning some other future relationship as well. It's also evident when I would much rather just spend time with my friends than him and also the additional variable, that I've been trying to ignore and failed, of most likely falling for someone else I know. Nothing's happened, I haven't said or done shit, and hell, nothing will probably come of it anyway, but I figure if I'm capable of feeling that way about someone else, then most likely the marriage is dead in the water. Another reason also why I feel like a complete piece of shit for all this. Regardless, I'm going to still keep an open mind and put my effort in because I at least owe him that much.

Inb4 pussy for not doing it yet, etc. Will get there when it's appropriate.

Soygen · 2025-01-29T16:24:53-0500

Lasch said:
I feel somewhat inspired after reading that behemoth of a post by Koushirou. Here’s my story:

My wife and I have been married for 15 years. When we got married, she was relatively normal, but over time, things changed—mentally, socially, and physically.

Early in the marriage, she stopped working. I didn’t mind at first; I make more than enough in the oil and gas industry here in Oklahoma. The deal was that she’d take care of the house and cook. For a while, that arrangement worked. But at some point—honestly, I don’t even remember when—she stopped cleaning and let the house go.

She never wanted kids, so we don’t have to deal with that right now. I’m thankful for that, even though I still want kids. But she would’ve been a terrible mother. A long time ago I realized I’d essentially married my own controlling and nitpicking mother. (And bipolar) She created her little fiefdom at home, rarely leaving except for the occasional store run. She ghosted her friends, literally blocked my family members, and she refused to hang out with my friends.

Now, I’m no saint. Pre-2020, I was the "fat bastard" stereotype: eating because I was sad, and sad because I was eating. I made poor choices, but even when I tried to get healthier, she actively sabotaged me. She’d tell me she was worried I’d leave her if I lost weight. (Foreshadowing) Sometimes she’d text to say dinner was in the trash because it didn’t turn out right, so I’d have to grab food on the way home. As a fat bastard it wasn’t like I needed an excuse to fall off, so I let that slide. Sometimes relieved I could gorge on shit, othertimes frustrated. And she’d lie (or at best just be wrong) about the calories/protein/carbs of meals she made.

Then 2020 happened, and it was clear it was pretty much just fat people dying. That was the turning point. I started cooking all my own meals and doing my own grocery shopping. I couldn’t trust her to stick to what I asked for. She’d bring back way too much of something or the wrong items entirely. So now, on top of managing finances and cleaning, I was fully responsible for my own food.
I rationalized this discrepancy in our relationship by telling myself that, yeah she has her faults - but when I need someone to have my back, she is going to be there for me.

Fast forward a few years: I’m in the best shape of my life. Lifting, bootcamps, yoga, cycling, running, you name it. I weigh less than I did even in middle school. Strongest I've ever been. Faster.... everything. (Tangent - Going from disgusted looks, to being looked through/ignored, to getting attention, hell twice this week being flirted with in cycle has been quite the transition) Meanwhile, she’s rotting, sitting around reading books and watching YouTube. But at least I have someone there for me when I need it.

This last summer shattered that lie.

One night, I overcooked a steak and ended up with a huge dry chunk lodged in my throat. I couldn’t breathe. I panicked - I’m not Foler, I’ve never chocked on something big before. I stood up wondering what the fuck a person does to get food unstuck from their throat. I couldn't call 911. I knew what to do for someone else…But for myself? What an embarrassing way to fucking die. I tried to Heimlich myself using my arms and then a couch arm, but neither worked - couch is too soft. Entire timing I was wondering how long I had before I blacked out. And what a shitty stat to be added to - fucking choked on a poorly cooked steak. I then went to the kitchen counter and was thankfully able to use it to dislodge the food enough to get a breath and then finally out. The whole time, she just sat there, frozen, wide-eyed, watching me. No attempt to help. No call to 911. She said she knew exactly what was happening when I stood up.

Do I have someone there for me when I need it?

A couple of months later, I got food poisoning at a fundraiser after eating fucking shrimp. For two days, I couldn’t hold down anything. I couldn’t even walk without holding onto the walls, else I'd fall to the ground. I asked her to pick up Imodium from the store, since my system clearly wasn't stopping with the purge.
Her response? “I can’t; I didn’t sleep well last night.” I ended up ordering it from Amazon, waiting an extra day for that to show up. That’s when I finally accepted it: I can’t rely on her for anything. Either from lack of caring or too useless.

I hate confrontation, but I knew I was done. I also knew she has no one, no ability to operate in society, nothing… but that is her problem. I started telling friends and family I was planning to get a divorce. A few weeks later, I told them I’d already talked to her about it. Truthfully, I hadn’t yet. It took me another month to finally have that conversation. (I already said I have my own issues.)

Now, the divorce is imminent. Sorting everything out took a little time, but it’s been smooth enough —probably because I’m basically giving her a fortune to leave. (I am not sure how this would work if I wasn’t well off. Good luck, Ko)
Everything is settled - have a meeting with a lawyer next week.
It’s easily the best decision I’ve ever made. And not doing it earlier just shows how much I like to create lies to comfort myself. And just how pathetic I was. Am? /shrug

TLDR: get to the gym.

Congrats on the weight loss. Honestly nothing more important than health.

Good luck on the divorce. Based on your story, it's overdue.

Kiki · 2025-01-29T16:52:04-0500

Koushirou said:
An update for the curious:

Sometimes people need a kick in the ass.

Hoss · 2025-01-29T16:57:12-0500

Daidraco said:
I've found a little flower shop here on the other side of town after looking into it more. I dont like the idea of flowers being delivered to them. Kind of.. defeats the point in my head?... May just be over thinking it. But I also like to see what theyre getting before sending it.

Just figured here, in the den of people that actually have relationships, I would find some good suggestions that arent blanket advertised to me. hehe

The only 2 good reasons to have them delivered are if you will be away, or if you can deliver them to her office.

Izo · 2025-01-29T20:08:17-0500

Koushirou said:
An update for the curious:

Mentioned in the depression thread a while ago I had finally gotten through the waitlist for a therapist which I wanted to see to deal with my stress and anger issues that had been getting worse. My first appointment ended up just being about the marriage issues, as that's what was more prevalent at the time and was probably causing the stress/anger anyways. Therapist offered to do couples counseling for us and I brought him in the next week. Conversations were good (painful but productive) and we both started working on our individual issues: my lack of good communication and his lack of responsibilities. In between sessions we had a couple of hard conversations, with me expressing that I've pretty much fallen out of love with him at this point romantically.

We had our second joint counseling session yesterday, which again sucked but was productive. He's expressed his thankfulness that I've been honest about how I'm feeling even though it's hard and also that if it ends in divorce, it's not my responsibility to worry about his happiness or figure out what he's supposed to do from there. That made me feel at least a little relief about things. As of late, I've been feeling more and more like a complete shit bag with the guilt of all this. Probably not a surprise, but I've never had any level of self-confidence and while I thought I'd gotten away from most of my depression at the end of college with some therapy and support groups, that was also the same time I met him and I wonder if all those issues were just covered up rather than dealt with. Past couple of years, all my self-loathing thoughts started creeping back and they are all definitely back in full swing now. My next few therapy sessions will just be with me to start working out all my past trauma bullshit and see if that changes how I feel about myself and the relationship (I doubt that it will).

For the husband, he has been trying to improve things. He's expressed that he's fucked up and took everything for granted and wants to try his best to right that. The job hunt has sucked, but every day he's putting in more applications and I hope he gets something positive back soon. He's been extremely proactive around the house with chores, even the ones he normally wouldn't do (the cat boxes). He's also asked to help with cooking and for me to teach him a few basic recipes. Today, he made us both some grilled cheese for lunch with no help or intervention from me. I know it's simple shit, but until now if he couldn't microwave it, it wasn't happening. He also received that last paycheck from his old job, including the adjustment from spreading his salary out over the summer, so he has a few thousand that he's put into savings and can use to find an apartment if he needs to.

We're going to revisit how we feel about the marriage in a month. I feel a lot better with some form of timeline like this, vs. some nebulous we'll work on it and see what happens. I am still wanting the divorce because the feelings still aren't there anymore (though I still care about him deeply, just not as a husband anymore) and I think he'd benefit a lot more from being on his own for once and building himself back up that way. I probably benefit from time on my own again as well to work on my issues. I don't want my baggage potentially poisoning some other future relationship as well. It's also evident when I would much rather just spend time with my friends than him and also the additional variable, that I've been trying to ignore and failed, of most likely falling for someone else I know. Nothing's happened, I haven't said or done shit, and hell, nothing will probably come of it anyway, but I figure if I'm capable of feeling that way about someone else, then most likely the marriage is dead in the water. Another reason also why I feel like a complete piece of shit for all this. Regardless, I'm going to still keep an open mind and put my effort in because I at least owe him that much.

Inb4 pussy for not doing it yet, etc. Will get there when it's appropriate.

Time for a new photo session, hot stuff. Pussy either way <3

moonarchia · 2025-01-29T23:55:37-0500

Koushirou said:
An update for the curious:

Mentioned in the depression thread a while ago I had finally gotten through the waitlist for a therapist which I wanted to see to deal with my stress and anger issues that had been getting worse. My first appointment ended up just being about the marriage issues, as that's what was more prevalent at the time and was probably causing the stress/anger anyways. Therapist offered to do couples counseling for us and I brought him in the next week. Conversations were good (painful but productive) and we both started working on our individual issues: my lack of good communication and his lack of responsibilities. In between sessions we had a couple of hard conversations, with me expressing that I've pretty much fallen out of love with him at this point romantically.

We had our second joint counseling session yesterday, which again sucked but was productive. He's expressed his thankfulness that I've been honest about how I'm feeling even though it's hard and also that if it ends in divorce, it's not my responsibility to worry about his happiness or figure out what he's supposed to do from there. That made me feel at least a little relief about things. As of late, I've been feeling more and more like a complete shit bag with the guilt of all this. Probably not a surprise, but I've never had any level of self-confidence and while I thought I'd gotten away from most of my depression at the end of college with some therapy and support groups, that was also the same time I met him and I wonder if all those issues were just covered up rather than dealt with. Past couple of years, all my self-loathing thoughts started creeping back and they are all definitely back in full swing now. My next few therapy sessions will just be with me to start working out all my past trauma bullshit and see if that changes how I feel about myself and the relationship (I doubt that it will).

For the husband, he has been trying to improve things. He's expressed that he's fucked up and took everything for granted and wants to try his best to right that. The job hunt has sucked, but every day he's putting in more applications and I hope he gets something positive back soon. He's been extremely proactive around the house with chores, even the ones he normally wouldn't do (the cat boxes). He's also asked to help with cooking and for me to teach him a few basic recipes. Today, he made us both some grilled cheese for lunch with no help or intervention from me. I know it's simple shit, but until now if he couldn't microwave it, it wasn't happening. He also received that last paycheck from his old job, including the adjustment from spreading his salary out over the summer, so he has a few thousand that he's put into savings and can use to find an apartment if he needs to.

We're going to revisit how we feel about the marriage in a month. I feel a lot better with some form of timeline like this, vs. some nebulous we'll work on it and see what happens. I am still wanting the divorce because the feelings still aren't there anymore (though I still care about him deeply, just not as a husband anymore) and I think he'd benefit a lot more from being on his own for once and building himself back up that way. I probably benefit from time on my own again as well to work on my issues. I don't want my baggage potentially poisoning some other future relationship as well. It's also evident when I would much rather just spend time with my friends than him and also the additional variable, that I've been trying to ignore and failed, of most likely falling for someone else I know. Nothing's happened, I haven't said or done shit, and hell, nothing will probably come of it anyway, but I figure if I'm capable of feeling that way about someone else, then most likely the marriage is dead in the water. Another reason also why I feel like a complete piece of shit for all this. Regardless, I'm going to still keep an open mind and put my effort in because I at least owe him that much.

Inb4 pussy for not doing it yet, etc. Will get there when it's appropriate.

Old scars don't always heal. That's life. You aren't shitty because of any of this, and should focus on the root of why you feel that way before anything else. It looks like you are already doing that, and I hope it goes well for you. When you are in a state of anger/stress for an extended period of time it does warp how you perceive things. It can also cause the flip side, where you end up with almost euphoric happy times that are even more dangerous. If your therapist can help you find clarity that is awesome. That is the first step in being able to choose your path, rather than being caught in the tides of life.

Relationships come snd go, and marriages don't remain the same as they were at the beginning. You still care about your husband, so what did he provide in the beginning that is lacking now? Is it something that can be restored? And no, having thoughts about randos at work doesn't mean shit other than you are human and have a libido. That's a red herring or an excuse. It sounds like you want the divorce one way or another, and if that is what you have come to with a clear mind and intent, then own it and say it. If you haven't gotten to a clear mind yet, well, you are working on it.

Good luck however it goes.

Gavinmad · 2025-01-30T00:06:21-0500

Koushirou said:
An update for the curious:

Mentioned in the depression thread a while ago I had finally gotten through the waitlist for a therapist which I wanted to see to deal with my stress and anger issues that had been getting worse. My first appointment ended up just being about the marriage issues, as that's what was more prevalent at the time and was probably causing the stress/anger anyways. Therapist offered to do couples counseling for us and I brought him in the next week. Conversations were good (painful but productive) and we both started working on our individual issues: my lack of good communication and his lack of responsibilities. In between sessions we had a couple of hard conversations, with me expressing that I've pretty much fallen out of love with him at this point romantically.

We had our second joint counseling session yesterday, which again sucked but was productive. He's expressed his thankfulness that I've been honest about how I'm feeling even though it's hard and also that if it ends in divorce, it's not my responsibility to worry about his happiness or figure out what he's supposed to do from there. That made me feel at least a little relief about things. As of late, I've been feeling more and more like a complete shit bag with the guilt of all this. Probably not a surprise, but I've never had any level of self-confidence and while I thought I'd gotten away from most of my depression at the end of college with some therapy and support groups, that was also the same time I met him and I wonder if all those issues were just covered up rather than dealt with. Past couple of years, all my self-loathing thoughts started creeping back and they are all definitely back in full swing now. My next few therapy sessions will just be with me to start working out all my past trauma bullshit and see if that changes how I feel about myself and the relationship (I doubt that it will).

For the husband, he has been trying to improve things. He's expressed that he's fucked up and took everything for granted and wants to try his best to right that. The job hunt has sucked, but every day he's putting in more applications and I hope he gets something positive back soon. He's been extremely proactive around the house with chores, even the ones he normally wouldn't do (the cat boxes). He's also asked to help with cooking and for me to teach him a few basic recipes. Today, he made us both some grilled cheese for lunch with no help or intervention from me. I know it's simple shit, but until now if he couldn't microwave it, it wasn't happening. He also received that last paycheck from his old job, including the adjustment from spreading his salary out over the summer, so he has a few thousand that he's put into savings and can use to find an apartment if he needs to.

We're going to revisit how we feel about the marriage in a month. I feel a lot better with some form of timeline like this, vs. some nebulous we'll work on it and see what happens. I am still wanting the divorce because the feelings still aren't there anymore (though I still care about him deeply, just not as a husband anymore) and I think he'd benefit a lot more from being on his own for once and building himself back up that way. I probably benefit from time on my own again as well to work on my issues. I don't want my baggage potentially poisoning some other future relationship as well. It's also evident when I would much rather just spend time with my friends than him and also the additional variable, that I've been trying to ignore and failed, of most likely falling for someone else I know. Nothing's happened, I haven't said or done shit, and hell, nothing will probably come of it anyway, but I figure if I'm capable of feeling that way about someone else, then most likely the marriage is dead in the water. Another reason also why I feel like a complete piece of shit for all this. Regardless, I'm going to still keep an open mind and put my effort in because I at least owe him that much.

Inb4 pussy for not doing it yet, etc. Will get there when it's appropriate.

Shit feels like gnawing off your foot to get out of a bear trap, it's understandable to not be in a big hurry to do it even if it's most likely inevitable.

Pussy.

Cutlery · 2025-01-30T00:16:43-0500

Hey, at least you don't have kids.

My 13 year old basically asked to live at her mom's house. She just did it in the most retarded way possible.

"Dad, I need space."

Knock it the fuck off. You can't break up with your dad.

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Marriage and the Power of Divorce

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