I guess my situation is a bit more clear cut and easier than most in this thread. My wife and I both work full time jobs. I actually work fewer hours than she does weekly. She cooks the meals, I clean the kitchen. On the weekend I vacuum the house and dust while she cleans the toilets/showers and cleans the hardwood. She is pretty chill about not asking me to do a whole bunch of extra crap because she knows it is best to just tell me she wants something done eventually and within a week I'll get it done (ie: pull weeds, etc "guy" tasks) with better results than forcing me here and now. I'm sure not having kids also makes this far, far easier.
Marriage and the Power of Divorce
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Tuco
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opiate82
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My wife is an RN and works a 0.6, which means she works 48 hours a pay-period and her schedule is 6 days one week, next week off. She brings in between 5-10k less than what I pay myself by the end of the year usually. Close enough to where no person can hold the fact they "bring home the bacon" over the other. When she does get salty about chores I do point out she gets nearly double the time off that I do.
I make about 30k more than my wife now and never use that as leverage in any interaction. I find it to be a cheap shot especially since she works more hours than I do.
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Shit definitely changes with kids. There is another layer of stress compounding all the other shit. When we were dating/married and without kids, shit was a blast. We both worked, we both took care of shit. And we partied our asses off during the weekends concerts, clubs, or just hanging out at home.
We still do some of that, just not as often and the dynamic has changed.
We still do some of that, just not as often and the dynamic has changed.
I'm sure since the wife generally deals with the kids more she sees that as her "chore time" and when she asks you to do something she evens the scales by adding the time she spent with the children to her "chore time" side.
Noodleface
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Yes!
My wife delivers mail. It's extremely physical (depending upon route) and could include walking for miles everyday in the heat of the summer/cold of the winter. I get that it's tough, it's a job I don't want. She always gives me shit about how my job is easier because I sit in front of a computer all day. She doesn't understand the headaches I get trying to work through a collaboration of code that 15 other devs have their hands in.
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This would be the case if they were 0-5 or something. But the kids are independent now. Now that its summer time, they are usually gone almost all day long somewhere in the neighborhood. They only come in when they are hungry or if they decide to play video games on their PS4 or xbox. The only chore is keeping them to do their chores, like cleaning up after themselves or keeping their room clean. Raising kids is not that difficult once they are 12 and 9.
Frenzied Wombat
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Because despite the subconscious voice in her head that is yearning for you to put your foot down, it takes two hours of heated emotional argument, plus at least an hour of sulking/crying/rumination on her part before the epiphany hits that she was acting like a psycho, does a mental 180, and wants to give you that blowjob. Then when you don't want said blowjob because you're still pissed as a result of not sharing her magical ability to go from angry to happy in 60 seconds, she gets pissed again because "you don't find me sexy", not because she just dragged your emotional state to hell and back over the last 3 hours and ruined your evening. Fucking hell..
I agree with you in principle, but in practice they have far greater capacity to shoulder emotional stress and bullshit than I do, so in most cases it's easier to give in.
Still using the scale analogy it could be she is just so used to adding that "kid time" token on her side it is still being added even if not warrented
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I agree with this post. This is exactly why. Its just not worth the argument 9 times out of10. But from now and again I do put the foot down. We all have our breaking point and sometimes you have to push the reset button.
Frenzied Wombat
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Yeah, for me usually the "put the foot down" part comes as a result of them escalating things to some semi-personal level. When it no longer just becomes an issue of doing what they want, but you not doing what they want because of some character failure. At that point they seriously rustle my jimmies, I end up rasing my voice and make a sarcastic comment, and shit starts to roll downhill from there.
Tuco
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Having done physically demanding jobs and mentally demanding jobs I'll take having a list of shit to do at the end of a 12 hour programming fest over working a full day doing hard work.
Even now when I have to spend a day outside chasing robots when I come home I'm pretty much done and am not doing shit.
Even now when I have to spend a day outside chasing robots when I come home I'm pretty much done and am not doing shit.
I think most of us would which is why we got those big fancy degrees so I don't have to do physical labor. But there is a notion that programmers basically just go to work and it is the same as taking a nap for 8 hours.
While it can definitely be a pain to put your foot down you really only hurt yourself in the end. I feel like a disclaimer should be mentioned though that putting your foot down should always be done with clarity and as calmly as possible. It's hard to say how everyone here reacts, but if you immediately say shit like "You're BEING A FUCKING BITCH!" Then yeah it's no shocker that your relationship is shit, and will continue to be so.
EDIT
Also feel that you should only put your foot down when they are doing something blatantly hypocritical or irrational. If you've been on some ten hour gaming craze and they ask you to please come have dinner with them and you ignore them then say they are being a bitch for bothering you, you've got some serious issues.
EDIT
Also feel that you should only put your foot down when they are doing something blatantly hypocritical or irrational. If you've been on some ten hour gaming craze and they ask you to please come have dinner with them and you ignore them then say they are being a bitch for bothering you, you've got some serious issues.
Tuco
I got Tuco'd!
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I don't have the same circle of people as you guys but I don't hear that sentiment at all. Most people don't know how I can stare at code for 8 hours a day.
I'm not saying it can't be exhausting, just that personally I wouldn't put it anywhere near the same level or class of exhaustion as hard physical work.
I'm not saying it can't be exhausting, just that personally I wouldn't put it anywhere near the same level or class of exhaustion as hard physical work.
Did she breast feed? Those hormones from pregnancy get morphed into a different flavor of crazy during breast feeding. My wife went through that up until she weened at 14 months.
I'm assuming you're not married or have a long term girlfriend. Because this sounds like some bullshit from a guy who has never lived with a woman for any period of time.
Noodleface
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I already know the answer because it's said before, but your assumptions are correct.