Marriage and the Power of Divorce

I think this chick sounds cool, everyone is just reacting to the whole getting married thing. I'm not getting the need, maybe I missed some important detail or misunderstood. I get the JW aspect (kinda), but not why you have to marry her. As for 19, again back to dating is fine, marrying is a big difference.

That's basically my point. It seems like Grumpus has decided marriage is necessary in his head, but I don't understand why it is. She has obviously dated guys before, from what he has told us. She's moving out to live with someone else, they already are dating... idk, the whole thing is weird.

He's in the "honeymoon" phase of a new relationship. Her pussy still smells like strawberries and all they care about is fucking and having a good time. And he's confusing that with love.

I mean that shit has happened to all of us. We're trying to warn you because we've made that mistake. We're probably being a little harsh but you should realize we're just trying to help you out.

Khane_sl said:

He's in the "honeymoon" phase of a new relationship. Her pussy still smells like strawberries and all they care about is fucking and having a good time. And he's confusing that with love.

I mean that shit has happened to all of us. We're trying to warn you because we've made that mistake. We're probably being a little harsh but you should realize we're just trying to help you out.

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Yeah. The fact that Grumpus went from never marry to "Oh I want to marry right away" just shows that he has never been in that serious of a relationship. Not that that's a bad thing, but it explains the sudden shift in his feelings.

Anyways Grumpus to give you some encouragement. I started dating an SDA girl two years and eleven days ago. At the time she was convinced that meat was bad, doing ANYTHING on Saturday was bad, everything was bad. Now she is 100x more happier. No longer attends her SDA church, loves beef jerky, and recently moved in with me. She was 19 when we started dating as well. Granted two years isn't some amazing amount of time, but we are not married yet, and I encourage you to just wait it out. If she is really as sheltered as you describe, you need to appreciate that. It's a double edged sword in that sheltered girls are generally VERY loyal and trusting, but it's also bad in that if she experiences something new that you dislike (partying, drinking, male attention, whatever) then it can quickly become a rough road. The same goes in the opposite direction as well. Things like porn will be a hot spot issue even if you have never watched it since dating her.

Grumpus_sl said:

Her family likes me, I spend every other Friday at their house because my head coach lives in the same town so I travel and stay with them on weekends. They know i'm an atheist. I stay with them so I can fight all weekend and I have a huge beard. They don't care. I have been friends with them my whole life.

Shes indoctrinated, she goes because she has to go. I grew up with this shit, if she wants to go when we are together i'm fine with that. She has her religious views I have mine. I go to BJJ 6 nights a week who am I to say she can' go to church 3 nights a week or whatever. She knows my stance and doesn't care.

She has been extremely sheltered and I assume once shes out from under the protection of her bubble she will figure it out for herself over time. I don't plan on trying to convince her one way or the other though unless she asks questions i'm keeping my mouth shut.

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They like you as a family friend. That's going to change significantly when you elope with their daughter. I can't imagine them being all that thrilled with their precious daughter marrying a godless heathen. They're going to try to bring you back in to the fold, or shun the both of you, I would think. As far as the girlfriend goes, am I reading it right that you haven't really talked about it at all? If you marry this chick, she's going to be up in your grill about coming back to the church. If you don't think she will, or that she's going to join you in atheist utopia, you're fucking delusional.

Religion is going to be a big stumbling block for you two. Even if it isn't a problem between the two of you or between you and the family, let me ask you this: assuming everything goes awesome and the two of you crank out a couple kids 5 years down the road, or more likely, within 9 months of being married, are you going to just sit idly by while she and her family go in to full on indoctrination mode with your child? Are you okay with them telling your own child that daddy is completely wrong about religion and life? You're going to be cool with that?

I really don't think you've been thinking this shit through, at least not as honestly as you need to be.

Grumpus_sl said:

As far as everyone else being all doom and gloom. You can't understand because you were never a JW and its what I have to work with. I'm trying to live my life the best way I can. Is it ideal? Nope. Ideally my parents wouldn't have raised me in a fucking cult.

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And yet you're planning on marrying a chick who is still in the cult. Jesus dude.

Grumpus_sl said:

I came back to this thread and admitted I was wrong. There are people out there worth marrying and I found one and i'm going to make it work.

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I hope it does work out man.

Grumpus are you having sex with this girl or does she just blow you so it won't count against her virginity?

Grump,

What I do not understand is, if you where raised in the faith and no longer are part of it, does that not mean you have been excommunicated?
If so, do her parents not have a problem with her associating with "wordly" people?
Do they know you are "dating" or are you just her "Friday buddy?"
if you told them you where dating do you think they would have a problem ? If you are hiding the relationship, how do you think they would respond to her being married to a heathen?
How do you think she would react to being excommunicated?
Do you know many practicing JW's that are married to non JWs? How is that working out?
Is Trolling accepted in the Grown up section?

edit - tough question, doubt full i will get an answer, however, have you had sex or is she waiting for marraige as per her religion?

Eomer_sl said:

Religion is going to be a big stumbling block for you two. Even if it isn't a problem between the two of you or between you and the family, let me ask you this: assuming everything goes awesome and the two of you crank out a couple kids 5 years down the road, or more likely, within 9 months of being married, are you going to just sit idly by while she and her family go in to full on indoctrination mode with your child? Are you okay with them telling your own child that daddy is completely wrong about religion and life? You're going to be cool with that?

I really don't think you've been thinking this shit through, at least not as honestly as you need to be.

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Eomer brings up a really good point. There are some issues that are relationship deal-breakers. Religion is one. Money/working, kids, location. I'm probably forgetting a few others. You must, and I mean MUST, discuss these things. And make sure you really believe the answers. If she wants to continue being JW and raise your kids that way, and you are determined not to be JW, that is a MAJOR red flag. I won't say it's impossible to make it work. But damn, the odds are long.

Don't turtle up and take the "no one understands me!!1" bullshit way out. There are plenty of people on this forum who have made mistakes or good decisions and can provide sound advice. While their situation isn't identical to yours, writing off the experienced point of view of numerous other people points to you making a flighty, emotional decision.

I'm not telling you not to marry her, just SLOW DOWN, consider things thoroughly and ask all the right questions, then take the plunge if you still feel the same. Or blow off all advice, rush into this and possibly suffer all the consequences you yourself lined up when you made this thread. What is the hurry anyway?

Grumpus_sl said:

Im listening to the advice that I think is well intentioned and I appreciate constructive criticism.

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Fair enough. Here's some advice: do pre-marriage counseling.

Ask your counselor to go over the issues that couples find difficult (the ones I mentioned and the ones I forgot), and how to fight fair. If the two of you can get on the same page on the major issues and commit to keeping your fights above the table, you'll have a decent chance. Hearing some of these things from a neutral third party also helps take the sting out.

And for best results, do not use a counselor from a religion (like a priest) or a counselor that claims to be "religion-based"; it brings an unnecessary bias and religion is going to be a very important issue for the two of you to work out.

Grumpus_sl said:

She has been extremely sheltered and I assume once shes out from under the protection of her bubble she will figure it out for herself over time.

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Danger! Danger Will Robinson!

Grumpus_sl said:

I answered a couple questions in pm's, I assumed that this thread and all the threads In the grown up section are more heavily moderated.I wont be answering questions here if it devolves into asking if she takes it in the ass to save her virginity.

Im listening to the advice that I think is well intentioned and I appreciate constructive criticism.

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you must not know a lot of religious chicks because this is a legit thing.

if you think people are trolling, report those posts. We will moderate this thread if needed.

It was a 100% legit question. Given her age and background, no reason not to speculate it.

I hope things work out dude. I would say to wait, but in any event take the next 6 months to think about it and do what you think is best.

Given the circumstances I'd say be sure to take it slowly. By which I mean, if you do get hitched, dont have kids right away and dont go in on a 30 year mortgage home that will be upside down for a decade. If you're just living in an apartment with the two of you and a pet goldfish, honestly it's not tremendously more involved than shacking up and living in sin. If things go wrong it's easier to work on it together without financial troubles and the responsibilities of children.

Good luck sir.

chaos_sl said:

That's basically my point. It seems like Grumpus has decided marriage is necessary in his head, but I don't understand why it is. She has obviously dated guys before, from what he has told us. She's moving out to live with someone else, they already are dating... idk, the whole thing is weird.

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Deniability. Her parents don't want to disown her, she's their daughter. If she's just dating, they can pretend no sex is occurring since there's no proof. If she moves in with a guy, that changes. No more deniability. The family will be forced to disown her or the church elders will come down on them.

Not that I think marrying a 19 year old is smart. But this weird process is the only way to maintain deniability and prevent her family/friends from being forced to disown her.