Marriage and the Power of Divorce

Famm · Sep 10, 2014

She never mentioned him being "fine" just that he said no to the offer of needing anything. Its just some dude he works with and literally only a work friend then I don't see pushing the issue. If he continues to bring it up then work it into conversation like "so you been getting out on the weekends, or...?" Plus we literally have no indications of the rest of the divorcing guy's situation with kids, affairs, social life etc.

Antarius · Sep 10, 2014

Khane_sl said:
Everyone's situation would seem weird if they were to give a full play by play early on in any relationship. It's fun to play judge and jury is it not?

I think it's best to ONLY post play by plays early on in a relationship, it makes the entire board think I'm a psycopath because I'm not falling in love with every girl I'm sleeping with. Meanwhile, how many years has Palum been stringing his chick along when she wants marriage and babies?

chaos · Sep 10, 2014

Dabamf_sl said:
Yall are full of it. Guys tend to act like they're fine regardless of situation because we're shaped to act stoic all the time. That's hardly a reflection of what's really going on.

That doesn't mean be all touchy feely with him or assume he HAS to spend time with friends; he's still a guy. But your husband offering male-appropriate support is good (offer to go out drinking, golf, strip club, video games, be wingman, whatever he's into). For some relationships and some people, it's appropriate to take charge ("you and I are going out Friday"); for others, it's best to be available but not pushy.

"Guys always say exactly what they mean" is a load of bs. No one is "fine" when they're getting divorced.

No one said 'fine'. Why would you assume that the guy in this situation didn't mean it when he said he didn't need anything? It sounds like he-lindz already did what you say here. He put out the olive branch, was met with a polite pass, but has maintained availability. His bro knows that he-lindz is available. Pushing it beyond that is some shit you see in romantic comedies or whatever and pretty inappropriate. Leave the man be, divorce is hard, fucking with him makes it harder.

BrotherWu · Sep 10, 2014

lindz_sl said:
Ok thanks all. Figured that was the case. Dudes are weird.

EDIT: Was going to say "Because we say what we mean, right?" but I see that has already been covered so I will just suggest lindz post boobs again. This will make everything okay.

Tuco · Sep 10, 2014

Dabamf_sl said:
Yall are full of it. Guys tend to act like they're fine regardless of situation because we're shaped to act stoic all the time. That's hardly a reflection of what's really going on.

That doesn't mean be all touchy feely with him or assume he HAS to spend time with friends; he's still a guy. But your husband offering male-appropriate support is good (offer to go out drinking, golf, strip club, video games, be wingman, whatever he's into). For some relationships and some people, it's appropriate to take charge ("you and I are going out Friday"); for others, it's best to be available but not pushy.

"Guys always say exactly what they mean" is a load of bs. No one is "fine" when they're getting divorced.

I agree with this. For me there's exactly two guys who could be successful with the 'you and I are going out Friday' power play with me though.

Mr. Lindz did exactly what he should have. Only thing he might've done goofed on is making it explicitly about talking about divorce. Sometimes you don't even need to say, 'Oh you're going through a problem let's go drink and talk about it." All you need to say is, "Let's go drinking.". If after 3 beers and a few shots he starts talking then so be it.

Soygen · Sep 10, 2014

When shit sucks, I want to be left completely alone. Not out of some obligation to be manly and stoic, but because I want to be left alone. I would say the offer to "be there" for the dude is enough. I definitely wouldn't push any further.

Daelos · Sep 10, 2014

I am the same. I cope with difficult shit much better alone. During those times, I don't want the added stress of other people.

Jysin · Sep 10, 2014

McCheese_sl said:
...guys generally saying what they mean and meaning what they say regarding stuff like this.

lindz_sl said:
...Dudes are weird.

I am pretty damn sure its the women that are "weird". (To put it politely!)

Ryoz · Sep 10, 2014

I find that when something is shitty, I want to be left alone. Then after I sort it out I can talk about it over some beers.

Noodleface · Sep 10, 2014

We are confusing to women because we don't want to talk about our feelings and we don't construct this long story with hidden subtleties and hidden meanings where we have to press 36 buttons and knobs to find out WHAT THE FUCK YOU WANT FOR FUCKING DINNER

Tenks · Sep 10, 2014

lindz_sl said:
I need some man advice for my husband.

So his closest "friend" at work told my husband yesterday that it looks like he'll be getting a divorced. He was super bummed and my husband said he was there for him if he needed anything. Friend said no and that was that. This isn't someone he has a relationship with outside of work, though we've talked about getting together with our families several times. They are close at work though, talk personal stuff, have played boardgames at lunch most days for the past six years. He knows the guy pretty well.

He's not sure what to do. If it were me and anther woman, I'd invite my friend out for drinks or dessert or something and talk it out but I'm not sure how guys deal with these things. For those that have been through divorce, what sort of support would you want?

A work friend of mine is getting divorced and never in a million years would I invite him over to have a pity party. We don't like talking about shit like that especially to other men.

Phazael · Sep 10, 2014

Even if he needed help, he would not take it if he has said no. Men generally want to work through that shit privately, whether they can actually cope with it or not. When my friend got divorced, I simply told him "If you need anything, ask. But I know you want space so I will give you some space until you are ready." which works well in a lot of coping situations with a male friend. Even if he did want support, it would be of the "lets go bar hopping and bang some whores so I can get back on the horse" variety that you likely do not want your husband involved in. Give the guy room and make it clear that help is around when and if he decides he wants it. That is the best thing your husband can do.

Phazael · Sep 10, 2014

NoodleAnus_sl said:
We are confusing to women because we don't want to talk about our feelings and we don't construct this long story with hidden subtleties and hidden meanings where we have to press 36 buttons and knobs to find out WHAT THE FUCK YOU WANT FOR FUCKING DINNER

I am sensing some back story here.....

Khane · Sep 10, 2014

The back story is women never know what the fuck they want for dinner. They only know if they do not want something you've suggested.

Noodleface · Sep 10, 2014

Yeah man that is common knowledge. If you give the woman the choice, she will turn down 83 of your ideas and then say "you pick" and then turn your idea down again and then finally say "I guess idea #1 is ok"

Phazael · Sep 10, 2014

Yeah the mental equivalent of watching a dog spin around three times before taking a shit. Some instincts are tough to overcome.

Frenzied Wombat · Sep 10, 2014

Phazael_sl said:
Yeah the mental equivalent of watching a dog spin around three times before taking a shit. Some instincts are tough to overcome.

LMAO, good one.

The emotional support thing is something women fucking refuse to get through their thick skulls that drives me absolutely nuts. The amount of arguments I've gotten over "not sharing my feelings" during upsetting scenarios is legion. Like most, I prefer isolation when I have to deal with an emotionally difficult situation. I don't want to talk about it, I don't want to have a "good cry" on someone's shoulder, and talking about it won't change the situation or make me feel better. When my mom died my girlfriend at the time went into a super clingy pity mode that drove me nuts, literally asking me a thousand times over "how she can help" despite me telling her she can't, and to stop asking. Please just leave me alone.. This was then translated into me not wanting to "share my feelings" and consequently not caring about her lol.. So, I ended up having to deal with my mother's passing while simultaneously dealing with girlfriend insecurity. Drives me nuts. Same thing every day I have a bad day at work. The current GF is never satisfied with "I had a shit day, soandso was an asshole", it has to turn into an hour long conversation when the incident itself may have only lasted five minutes..

Khane · Sep 10, 2014

This is something I have come to an understanding of myself and the effect it has on the women I date. I've always been the type of person that didn't want to talk about shit that had upset me unless it was specifically with the person who was upsetting me. Bad day at work? Not gonna talk about it, I want to shut off when I get home and forget work exists. Pissed off about a creditor fucking up a payment I made and having to go through the arduous process of proving it to them? Don't worry about it, I got it.

That was always how I was... until I dated someone who was exactly like me. What you have to understand is the person you're with can see when you're upset. And if you don't want to talk about it with them they will naturally assume it's because you're upset with them. It's very difficult to deal with and it can make you feel crazy when you say "What's up? You seem upset" and the response is "Nothing's wrong. Why do you always do that". I still struggle with at least trying to talk about things I don't really want to talk about and it still annoys me when a simple "Yea, shitty day. This and this happened but oh well" isn't good enough (because it should be). But you should understand why isolating yourself is bad for the relationship and unfair to your partner.

Frenzied Wombat · Sep 10, 2014

Khane_sl said:
This is something I have come to an understanding of myself and the effect it has on the women I date. I've always been the type of person that didn't want to talk about shit that had upset me unless it was specifically with the person who was upsetting me. Bad day at work? Not gonna talk about it, I want to shut off when I get home and forget work exists. Pissed off about a creditor fucking up a payment I made and having to go through the arduous process of proving it to them? Don't worry about it, I got it.

That was always how I was... until I dated someone who was exactly like me. What you have to understand is the person you're with can see when you're upset. And if you don't want to talk about it with them they will naturally assume it's because you're upset with them. It's very difficult to deal with and it can make you feel crazy when you say "What's up? You seem upset" and the response is "Nothing's wrong. Why do you always do that". I still struggle with at least trying to talk about things I don't really want to talk about and it still annoys me when a simple "Yea, shitty day. This and this happened but oh well" isn't good enough (because it should be). But you should understand why isolating yourself is bad for the relationship and unfair to your partner.

I believe there is a way to provide support for people in distress without trying to convert an introvert to an extrovert. I think shrinks call it "indirect support" or somesuch. An example I was given was somebody providing support by coming by and cooking dinner rather than actively trying to get inside your head. While I agree that saying "nothing's wrong" invites insecurity and problems, saying "I'm upset because of X, and I don't feel like talking in depth about it, because talking won't solve the problem and it makes me uncomfortable" should be acceptable.. Especially when what you're upset over has nothing to do with your girlfriend. Now I do agree that the dismissive "don't want to talk about it" when the source of your angst is your girlfriend is being passive aggressive and will foster justified insecurity.

Now I know I'm wrong in a sense, as this has been a repeated problem (to various degrees with multiple women), so ultimately it's either a refusal of me being willing to face reality, or more likely just not being built to have these discussions. I just hate talking about negative feelings, as doing so provides zero relief and never helps the problem at hand.

iannis · Sep 10, 2014

They feed off misery! I've been really lucky in that my girlfriends over the years get it. "Hey, if you wanna be upset and an asshole and not talk about it that's fine. But don't be an asshole TO ME"

That's all it takes. Head comes out of ass. Usually.

Marriage and the Power of Divorce

Ahn'Qiraj Raider

Lord Nagafen Raider

Buzzfeed Editor

MAGA

I got Tuco'd!

The Dirty Dozen For the Price of One

Guarding the guardians

Ahn'Qiraj Raider

A Mod Real Quick

Bronze Knight of the Realm

Confirmed Beta Shitlord, Fat Bastard

Confirmed Beta Shitlord, Fat Bastard

Got something right about marriage

A Mod Real Quick

Confirmed Beta Shitlord, Fat Bastard

Potato del Grande

Got something right about marriage

Potato del Grande

Musty Nester