Marriage and the Power of Divorce

It was mostly in jest.

My contribution is wife and I had an argument over lack of sex... I would say it's been a problem our entire marriage, but then that would completely marginalize the struggles people like Chaos have truly had with lack of sex. It's never been that bad for me. The longest dry spell was something like a month or two, so it would be akin to someone complaining about 1st world problems. So what I usually do when we have a rough spat, is I come here and laugh at the funny stuff, empathize with the struggles, and I try to offer advice when I see something I think I have at least been there at least a little. It just so happens that this latest one seems to be right in the middle of a dry spell here as well. I'm just double hosed.

2 months sounds insane to me

Oh I agree it is. Most times it's a month but there have been times like that, but as far as my make up is concerned, meaning someone who could seriously go at it 7/365, then pretty much any period of over a week or so is a major drought. And basically from my point of view, it just feels like I never come first to her. I know perception =/= reality at all in a relationship, and I, by no means, am not batting .1000 in that area either. But she can seriously snuggle up and get cuddly during a dry spell, and then roll right over and go to sleep, and it sets me off.

Last night was one of those, and this morning, I left the house extra early so I could spend the day cooling down and becoming rational again, before seeing her. Then she texts asking what is up, and I respond that I was angry and needed to cool off a bit. She then demands to know what I am so mad about, and I just have a hard time believing someone is that clueless. Again, this is a pretty perpetual issue in the Namon household, so this is hardly the first (married nearly 9 years) rodeo.

So, she hounds me about not having a clue and of course, being the sarcastic guy that I am when I am angry, I did exactly what I was trying to avoid in the first place and said something very awful. Something along the lines that someone that retarded should not be trusted with sharp objects and I know for a fact she is not that bad. I regret lashing out, but I don't regret my feelings I just always need to get them under control before I even begin to think about actually tackling an argument or issue. And to add to the fire, I just cannot wrap my head around her not knowing at all what happened. If I screw up, even if it's something I don't think should be a big deal, I know I screwed up and regardless of how I feel about the situation I approach her and apologize. It'd just be nice if she did the same instead of claiming 100% ignorance on the subject.

You sound like a woman. Just tell her instead of acting vindictive and saying stupid shit like "you should just know". Sounds like you also don't make any moves, just expect her to start on you. Yea, you sound a lot like a woman.

Deathwing_sl said:

Month or two? My wife gets cranky and suspicious if she doesn't get doxxed after a week, regardless of the actual causes.

What's causing the difficulty?

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I don't know. It's been spotty at best since we had Thing 1 in 2006. We go through spells where we fuck like rabbits for like a month or so, and every single time, I am like yay we are past that, only to dry up. Her libido is not high... I know that, but it does cross a line. Thus why I do not think it's someone else. I honestly think it's mental, but to what extent I can't begin to tell you. This is where it gets really sticky because the only qualification I have in recognizing it would only be the fact that I live with her. And that is not much, but she isn't depressed all the time or has crazy mood swings so if I had to testify I would say she doesn't strike me as such. She just honestly could care less if she has sex or not. And unfortunately that is my primary need. I can eat fish sticks and mac and cheese every day. I can completely take care of the kids on my own. I can do my own laundry. She can totally forget my birthday and anniversary. Just do not cut me off. When it's decently regular, I'm a happy camper, when it's not, I'm a grumpy bitch.

Khane_sl said:

You sound like a woman. Just tell her instead of acting vindictive and saying stupid shit like "you should just know". Sounds like you also don't make any moves, just expect her to start on you. Yea, you sound a lot like a woman.

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I do make moves, and I get shot down. But, you are right on point two and I won't deny that. I was wrong there, I just do not feel like having a blow up at 5 am either.

Deathwing_sl said:

Don't (plan on)fucking right before bed. Read that 5 more times to memorize it. It's an easy trap to fall into, especially with the types on this board. It makes sense from an efficiency standpoint, your clothes are already off, sex has made you tired, she wants to cuddle, you can just doze right off. The downside is that laying in bed highlights the opportunity cost. Fuck, I'm tired, good night. I'll just fuck him/her tomorrow.

It also sounds like some communication issues. Cuddling != foreplay. Do not assume that just because she's cuddling you, you're going to get some. Don't leave that up to her. Turn around and poke her with your hard on. Start kissing her. Play with her titties. Remove all doubt about what you want. If that doesn't work, it might be the aforementioned paragraph or a libido/approach problem.

Is she a submissive type? A lot of women are, our culture seems to breed them. This is a really easy problem to solve if she is and you're willing to go that route.

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I don't need to memorize it. I'm already there. I'd love to try this when we are getting changed from our work outfits to around the house outfits. Yes this has been brought up and talked about. In fact, I have even tried encouraging going all out on the weekends during the day and not at night. Actually part of the problem is, there isn't a submissive bone in her body... she is VERY type A and VERY independent. Which I actually love. I don't want someone I have to constantly manage and nurture over. That's not a relationship, that is parenting. But when it comes to putting moves on, she is also not afraid to tell you to go to hell either, so there are some draw backs

And I agree, cuddling or snuggling is NOT foreplay. The problem is when you allow things to go for so long without any action, it gets to the point where you will try to take any kind of physical contact and run with it. It sucks because there should not be sexual tension when laying on the couch together to watch TV.

All in all, this is all something I can live with. While not exactly the best or close to it, it's not the end of the world either. It could be much worse, and outside of the bedroom I have no complaints, so it's all petty in the end. I just got pissed off cause the dick did not get wet last night and I wanted to be cheered up and ended up venting, and getting called a woman, which I won't deny wasn't somewhat justified.

Have you tried the Romance angle? Ply her with alcohol (not in a creepy way)?

Wine usually loosens the wife's panties pretty easily.

Cuddling on the couch watching TV + half a bottle of wine is a free pass to vaginatown in my house

Alcohol: the cause and solution to all of life's problems... AND is a great panty lubricant, I agree. Girls Night Out in my household is me doing the yes dance, because lots of beer is usually involved. Death, that's exactly what it is, and as time is passing, the more my rationality is returning, and I know this. Has been this way since our first kid was born. I'm one of those idiots who build like a pressure cooker and explode. It's not so much a problem but a complete incompatibility. I want it more than is probably healthy and she wants it less than is probably healthy. She tries holding a penny with her knees and I get mad. I'm going to try the not at bed time approach with her again, and not give up. It's a matter of trying different angles and I just haven't quite found it yet... although Gravy's advice sounds solid (and I mean that truly). Maybe both of us need to just kick back a couple beers at night. We aren't tea totalers in a moral sense, we just don't drink on a daily basis. Maybe it's time to start. IF we need AA meetings in a year, I know who to blame.

Gravy_sl said:

Have you tried the Romance angle? Ply her with alcohol (not in a creepy way)?

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There's a not creepy way to do that?

I hand them a tumbler and yell, "DRINK". Works for me man.

I read that as pouring something onto a cloth and covering her mouth with it.... of course if you are into that kind of thing who am I to judge?

I'm glad someone appreciates my one-liners and quite frankly I am touched that I was recognized publicly for them.

If it makes you feel any better I've had a golfball sized boil on my ass and unable to sex my wife for a couple weeks.

I didn't want to risk getting staph or MRSA in her vagina/ass.

See??? That is what I needed. But dude a boil on the ass is bad but don't let it knock you out of the game....