Marriage and the Power of Divorce

It is passive aggressive. It's also defensive.

Where's that dilbert strip?

FOUND IT.



It is no exaggeration. It's the entire coping process, and it's just different.

Oh I've mastered the "yes, uh huh, oh Peter is a dick huh?"

It's especially easy as my commute home she likes to call me and bitch about her day. I have in-car phone capabilities so I basically just drive and occasionally say some comment.

My wife rarely complains about the people at her job. Every so often a sales rep will piss her off or something but she'll just tell me what they did to piss her off and move on. It doesn't last for hours on a daily basis complaining about every minor slight she felt she incurred that day.

Another thing I love about her is she never calls me. I work with two guys who get called constantly by their wives. Every minor little speedbump in the road requires their husband's intervention to be fixed. I'd go fucking mad having this completely dependent woman-child I live with who can't possibly figure out and navigate this world without me. Granted both of these women are stay-at-home so literally calling their husband is probably the most social part of their day.

Deathwing_sl said:

Essentially ignoring them seems awfully passive aggressive to me. Why not give them feedback that will either help them with the real problem or help them perceive correctly what are real problems worth discussing(and what isn't)?

Personally, I think conversations like that are good therapy. People are going to do stuff that annoy you. Petty or not, why not discuss it with the person you trust most?

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Because trying to offer solutions usually involves at least *some* inference of either wrongdoing or compromise on their part, which pisses them off. It can quickly devolve into a "why you taking her side?!" or "why are you arguing with me?", despite that not being your intention at all. Most men (myself included) will look at the source of their gripe in a logical fashion and try and devise a solution, but they don't want a solution, as that takes a lot more work/risk than just whining and blowing off steam.

A teacher I once dated used to (justifiably) complain about shitty students, mean teachers, her pay, her hours, the shitty school administration, and government regs concerning her job. Yet, whenever I'd suggest changing careers, out would come "but, oh the differences I make in children's lives". She didn't want solutions, she just wanted to vent..

I agree that ignoring them is wrong in terms of discussion about your relationship, however when it comes to them venting about their job, passive listening is the best policy imho.

Most guys don't really understand sometimes women just complain because they need to complain. They don't want you to analyze the situation, she doesn't want you to assign blame to anyone, she doesn't want answers or solutions. She just needs someone to complain to about her problem. Often times trying to offer solutions only leads to her being more angry because it can be seen as "Why didn't you do this? Why didn't you do that?" You just need to realize when she's venting (generally because it is just a stream of consciousness) and just let her go. It goes against everything I am to not offer her solutions or view the problem from all angles but I'm getting better at it.

TIME Poll Mayhem: The Internet Wants to Ban the Word 'Feminist'

ROFL, looks like Lena has inadvertently done some good. I guess the not so subliminal association between a moronic pasty sow and the word feminist has tainted the symbolism behind the word.

Frenzied Wombat_sl said:

Because trying to offer solutions usually involves at least *some* inference of either wrongdoing or compromise on their part, which pisses them off. It can quickly devolve into a "why you taking her side?!" or "why are you arguing with me?", despite that not being your intention at all. Most men (myself included) will look at the source of their gripe in a logical fashion and try and devise a solution, but they don't want a solution, as that takes a lot more work/risk than just whining and blowing off steam.

A teacher I once dated used to (justifiably) complain about shitty students, mean teachers, her pay, her hours, the shitty school administration, and government regs concerning her job. Yet, whenever I'd suggest changing careers, out would come "but, oh the differences I make in children's lives". She didn't want solutions, she just wanted to vent..

I agree that ignoring them is wrong in terms of discussion about your relationship, however when it comes to them venting about their job, passive listening is the best policy imho.

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You could not be more correct sir. Every time my wife complains I try to get her to see it rationally but it's impossible. I'm either defending the wrong doer, or blaming her... If I just ignore her and give generic statements she gets bitchy because "I'm not listening!" Even more frustrating is that she always thinks her next job is going to be the perfect job where she has no issues. I've tried to explain that any job where you have to deal with people (which is every job) is going to have the same problems, but it always falls on deaf ears. I even use past issues from her other jobs to try an show her that dealing with customers/people sucks regardless of the profession, but no luck.

The thing that really cracks me up is if someone is rude to her or whatever she lets it ruin most of her day which is the part that bothers me. If someone I don't know or care about calls me names or something I could give a shit. It will not bother me in the slightest and I will continue about my day happily after making some jokes at their expense, but women seem to have to hold that shit in for HOURS! What could be a five minute ordeal ruins their entire fucking day. It makes no sense. The offending person could literally die and they would not care, but call them a bitch an oh shit we have to be moody for the next 12 hours...

I know so many people who think the answer to all their job woes is just one job away. I think it is gender agnostic because they're both males and females. Probably a few more in the female camp, though. I try and talk sense into them that every job has it's baggage and stuff you won't like doing but they seem to think it is specific to their individual job.

I can totally relate to the above posts. She'll come home and complain, even at her older jobs, and I always try to lay it out. It's not to point out her faults but as a way to offer perspective to help make it better. She would tell me she was just venting. That's fine! Vent away! But if you are just venting that means my interaction in the conversation is cut to zero... which then leads to "You are ignoring me!" Ah the rock and a hard place you find yourself in between when married.

I am guilty of trying to fix my wife's' problems at work also. Not long after we got married we moved her new job caused quite a bit of stress and she would come home every night and complain about it. I being a man would often try to use logical approaches to many of her problems, which would in turn cause a fight with us. I finally realized that she in fact just wanted to vent and have someone agree with her. A few i agrees and the occasional that bitch reply from me was just what she needed to hear. I found that she doesn't vent nearly as long using this approach.

Tenks_sl said:

I know so many people who think the answer to all their job woes is just one job away. I think it is gender agnostic because they're both males and females. Probably a few more in the female camp, though. I try and talk sense into them that every job has it's baggage and stuff you won't like doing but they seem to think it is specific to their individual job.

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This. Frankly I listen to a lot of people bitch about their jobs in general and for 90% of them it's all transmit mode but no receiver mode. Yes, there are instances where working with someone is a pain in the ass but that's every fucking job ever. You play the game and that includes figuring out how to work with assholes and incompetent morons. Frankly I enjoy playing the game (and part of that is knowing when it's time to quit and move on to a new game but I don't go into the next job thinking that there isn't a huge chance that there is going to be new and different levels of suck that I will have to learn to navigate - I try and scope that out beforehand to max extent possible so I manage my own expectations going into the next) and thank you jesus my husband does too. He's an introvert (we both took that personality test y'all linked here) and obviously I registered at like 40% extrovert so I actually mentored him a bit on how to play the game at first but he's now REALLY good at it (and in IT/field of introverts being able to play an extrovert on TV really lends itself to lots of client engagement and therefore growth opportunity) and we're both pretty happy in both our current jobs and our careers. Both from a compensation and current roles. Doesn't mean we don't have frustrating moments but we'll bounce shit off of each other when we do and tell each other when the other fucked up/could have played it better so we know not to make the same mistake twice.

Once you approach jobs like being a hardcore raider it gets fairly easy and damn near fun playing the game.

I should point out though that I work in a field with an extremely disproportionate amount of males and the women that survive are most certainly not the catty vapid types so I don't have to deal with a lot of issues that a lot of women seem to have to which are personal/drama fueled (from hearing my female friends bitch to me). I'm glad I work with mostly dudes. Women get REALLY stupid about other women in positions of influence around them. Which I never understood but whatever.

jesus christ

Frenzied Wombat_sl said:

I've dated everything from hairdressers to doctors and the post work whine fest phenomena is pretty much universal. If you don't want a chick that whines about her job, date one that is 35+ years old or so, which seems to be the point where they stop being so sensitive about what goes on at work. Any woman I've dated over that age seems to be done with work drama for the most part, and doesn't see work as competition with the other women. In my experience the only difference between the hairdresser and the doctor is that in the latter's case it will be framed within a more formal/serious environment, but in either case it's still you sitting there for an hour listening to drama after your shitty work day. The hairdresser will whine about her shitty clients, the "bitch" that didn't like her hairstyle, and how she got cut for some shift for X reason. The doctor will whine about her dumb nurse, the partners at her practice, or the hospital administration. In either case if they have a female boss, you'll likely hear about what a cunt she is too. I have yet to find a woman that prefers a female boss over a male one.

If I have a shitty day at work, my release is quiet and video games. *Maybe* I'll mention "soandso was a pain today-- total crap day", and that's it. Discussing it more won't make the problem better or make me feel relieved. However for women the opposite holds true, it's just the way it is..

Phaz is right, you just have to develop that technique where you are visibly paying attention, while in actuality 10% of your brain is listening while the other 90% is surfing the Astral Plane. The key is to just pick up on a sentence here and there and re-phrase it as a question. Don't try to offer solutions, because you will only be met with excuses and risk being accused of playing devil's advocate or arguing. Just listen and let it run its course.

Her: "It's no fair. Sally doesn't know anything yet gets to take 1.5 hour lunch breaks, while I've been there 5 years and I can only take an hour"
Me: "sally doesn't know anything?"

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Dude I don't even think age makes a difference. A few months back CEO brings in friend to help with a strategic capture effort. Friend is like late 60's, and was effectively run out of her last job and has a rep in the industry of being a pain in the ass and a moron. I didn't know this, she asks me a question and I shit you not my email was "Hey, I don't have access to that information I think this person might be the person you want to reach out to you, I'm sorry for not being more helpful please continue to reach out to me if you have questions".

She told the CEO I sent her a snotty email.

And then after seeing the email I sent her, all the directors, VP, and President of the company, who already weren't super huge fans of hers wrote her off. She's a complete joke now. And I mean I had only been at the company for 4 months at the time it wasn't them circling the wagons or anything.

But come the fuck on. You are like 60 years old and you act like this? The fuck is wrong with you?