Marriage and the Power of Divorce

Haast_sl said:

So, free at last Wombat? When you wake up from the booze-soaked freedom celebration, let us know how it went.

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I'm afraid there hasn't been a booze soaked celebration yet. I got her out of the house on Thursday/Friday, and my dad flew in from Canada Friday for a long weekend visit. It had already been planned months in advance, but the planning turned out to be fortuitous as it forced her to commit to a move out date. So basically I had one night alone before dad arrived and I spent 72 hours straight listening to stories from his younger glory days.

Thankfully, she didn't end up running off with my dog or any other item of any significance. She took a few minor things like candles/glasses where her stake of ownership could be considered questionable at best, but if that's the worst fallout I have to deal with I consider myself lucky. She did take approximately 15 photos from some "glamour" photo shoot she did, and place them strategically throughout the house (night table, dresser, bookcase, medicine cabinet, closet, etc), but whether it was to remind me of the hotness I was losing, or to potentially sabotage any future female visitors, I'm not sure.

I may celebrate in some typical fashion soon, but for right now the biggest reward is just peace and quiet. It's so nice to wake up and not see leg hair covering your mach-3 razor, finding your hammer where you actually left it, and being able to watch an hour of news uninterrupted. As her vitriol escalated over the last year, so did my corresponding retreat into video games and weed as a coping mechanism. I need to lose 10-15lbs, get back to the gym, stop eating shit, and cut back on the weed intake.. This will be my priority #1 and difficulty as that "rut" was quite addicting..

Ameraves_sl said:

Apologies for not coming back and giving more detail and background. Don't really have time to go through it all so will give you a recap of today.

Caught her lying to me again, so I packed up a bag and left today. My 5 year old was crying because she didn't really understand what was happening, and I tried my best to just tell her I loved her and to always remember that. Wife was begging me to stay and apologizing, blah blah blah. So now I am at the bar, finishing up work, and trying to decide what to do next.

Being in a wheelchair I have a lot of special needs, so I can't just rent any hotel room or stop by someone's house to crash. Pretty broken up because I love my kids more than anything in the world. I have already been through a divorce once and had to watch my kids grow up from a distance. There is literally nothing in this world that hurts me more than the thought of going through that again and not seeing my kids every day.

What to do, what to do...

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Sucks man. If you just want to vent shoot me some pms. Helped me a lot when some members on this board let me do that during my divorce period. Didn't even really need responses to them, just being able to get shit written down and out was the big bonus.

Frenzied Wombat_sl said:

Thankfully, she didn't end up running off with my dog or any other item of any significance. She took a few minor things like candles/glasses where her stake of ownership could be considered questionable at best, but if that's the worst fallout I have to deal with I consider myself lucky. She did take approximately 15 photos from some "glamour" photo shoot she did, and place them strategically throughout the house (night table, dresser, bookcase, medicine cabinet, closet, etc), but whether it was to remind me of the hotness I was losing, or to potentially sabotage any future female visitors, I'm not sure.

I may celebrate in some typical fashion soon, but for right now the biggest reward is just peace and quiet. It's so nice to wake up and not see leg hair covering your mach-3 razor, finding your hammer where you actually left it, and being able to watch an hour of news uninterrupted. As her vitriol escalated over the last year, so did my corresponding retreat into video games and weed as a coping mechanism. I need to lose 10-15lbs, get back to the gym, stop eating shit, and cut back on the weed intake.. This will be my priority #1 and difficulty as that "rut" was quite addicting..

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If she took a few minor items you don't give a shit about, then no sweat. Cost of doing business.

Don't be too hard on yourself about your habits, but I agree that constructive habits help afterwards. For me, that meant learning basic cooking, making minor chores a habit so the house stays in good order, taking up running + an exercise routine, and joining a homebrew club. I'm not sure hanging out with a bunch of alcoholics is constructive; it has been pretty fun though.

Haast_sl said:

If she took a few minor items you don't give a shit about, then no sweat. Cost of doing business.

Don't be too hard on yourself about your habits, but I agree that constructive habits help afterwards. For me, that meant learning basic cooking, making minor chores a habit so the house stays in good order, taking up running + an exercise routine, and joining a homebrew club. I'm not sure hanging out with a bunch of alcoholics is constructive; it has been pretty fun though.

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I took up wood working. New hobbies are great to fill in the void that is always there after a long term relationship goes south. Nice sense of accomplishment and lets you concentrate on something in your spare time. Pretty funny that she left her pictures all over the house though. I'd be drawing mustaches on them or something to remind me about how fucking whacked she was. Or tossing them in the trash, one of the two.

Commander Vimeseh_sl said:

Sucks man. If you just want to vent shoot me some pms. Helped me a lot when some members on this board let me do that during my divorce period. Didn't even really need responses to them, just being able to get shot written down and out was the big bonus.

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Seconded. I also exchanged PMs with another member who was going through a divorce when I was. It helped to air the bullshit, exchange a few tips and ideas, and get a neutral perspective. Feel free to PM if you feel like it.

This thread got depressing again.

Aww shit. Sucks bro's.

Get crunked.

Ameraves_sl said:

Caught her lying to me again, so I packed up a bag and left today. My 5 year old was crying because she didn't really understand what was happening, and I tried my best to just tell her I loved her and to always remember that. Wife was begging me to stay and apologizing, blah blah blah. So now I am at the bar, finishing up work, and trying to decide what to do next.

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Lying to a partner is rarely acceptable behavior, and I don't know the scale of the lie, but from a distance it sounds like this might be able to be worked out. I realize that your trust level has been breached, and you need to decide if it can be repaired with time. It will also take a shit ton of mea culpa on her end to make this work.

Whatever happens, I hope you can find some happiness in the solution, bud. Feels.

I don't know, I can't imagine ever being without my kids, the thought is literally painful. But is it worse to stay in a terrible relationship just to be with the kids? You're effectively modeling relationships for them, is it better to teach them that? I don't know, it takes a strong person to really do what is right for the kids in that situation.

Isn't packing a bag and leaving your kid always a bad idea? It can be construed as abandonment?

Make her sleep on the couch, Ameraves. But seriously, what did she lie about?

Tarrant_sl said:

Yeah, staying in a miserable marriage and saying "I'm doing it for the kids" is the absolute worst reason to use. It seems good on the surface but there are all sorts of serious implications under it.

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I think that is just a saying in most cases and what people really mean is "I'm doing it so I don't have to leave my kids" which is kind of a selfish move, but completely understandable.

As a child of parents who stayed together "for the kids", it's really just an excuse for complacency. My parents were together for 25 years (20 too long) before finally divorcing. It was horrible watching them bicker, argue, fight, and just be generally miserable people. In a lot of ways, they wasted two decades of their happiness "for the kids". It wasn't until early adulthood that I was able to realize what a terrible decision it was for them to do that. Kids adjust much faster/easier than people realize and having to visit two happy households rather than one miserable household would've been much better.

My wife's parents are just together "fr the kids" I'm pretty sure. Nonstop arguing over everything - money, food, mundane shit. They sleep in separate rooms ON SEPARATE FLOORS. I've never seen them hug or anything, let alone kiss. Guy works like 80 hours a week to keep the house while his freeloading kids live in the house and don't help out with anything.

It's depressing, I don't even go over there anymore.