OK ive read literally every page of this thread (as well as plenty of others) and I have even thought about posting before, but I think now is the time..
Lots I could say, but I think ill keep it brief. I have been dating a girl for about 2 1/2 years, and we lived together for 2 of them. The relationship has had highs and lows - this is the 2nd girl I have fallen in love with, and in many ways I felt like our relationship reached a level I had never gotten to with a girlfriend before - Ive done plenty of more casual things, usually bailing out before things got too serious.
Anywho, over the course of the relationship we had a variety of different issues, and truthfully I ignored some red flags. I was so excited about being in love again (7 years since the last time) that I was committed to making it work. I tried to learn from the bad and focus on the good, and for the most part I succeeded. I I don't regret our relationship, as there are many positive things that came out of it. However, I *do* regret my current living situation.
We broke up 2 weeks ago (there are PLENTY of details large and small, but the honest truth is that we simply arent compatible. We hold drastically different viewpoints on a few very important things, such as what is appropriate behavior in a relationship and how important honesty and communication are). Now, we are both staying together in MY house - I bought it (along with my dad, I didnt have the $$ on my own) a little over a year ago. She has been unemplyed for pretty much the past year and a half, going to school and living off of the loans. She has no money saved up, she JUST got a job (started about 2 days after we broke up - thank god this was in the works or it would be an even worse situation), she has just under a month of school left in the term, and she has 2 dogs. The "plan" as it has been established is that I am willing to let here stay here until her school term ends, but she needs to be out as soon as possible. There is a *chance* that I would extend the length of time if she hadnt found a place and things were peaceful enough for it to not be total shit having her here longer.
Sadly it hasnt been going smoothly. It has been tense, there is anger, there have been words, and really its just fucking an awful place to be right now. I tend to be a homebody, *especially* when dealing with something like this - I nurse my wounds at home and recuperate, unlike a guy like Onoes who would likely be out with friends/at the bars/high school parties/whatever while the storm passes (kidding Onoes!). I need my space, and yet every time I come home from work here she is!
Truthfully, I have taken my frustrations out on her. It hasnt helped the situation - I should honestly just be ignoring her, hardly talking, etc, and yet I have tried to *communicate* with her about things, which invariably leads us to a verbal abuse contest, possibly some yelling, anger, hurt feelings, all the good stuff. However, she is being pretty shitty. She has been seeing some fucking dude within a week or so of us breaking up *and lying to me about where she was going* (a big part of why we broke up - honesty issues) I shouldnt let that shit get to me but it enrages me.... She hasnt done a fucking dish in 2 weeks. Her dirty laundry is strewn about... she is treating me, and the house, with zero respect, as I try to give her time to figure her situation out...
I came home from work today and mentioned that a mutual friend has a room opening up in his/his gf's place. It would be the two of them, the chicks 5 year old son, their dog, my ex, and her 2 dogs. Its a place that allows pets (REALLY hard to find in the area we are in actually), with people she knows, that is available pretty much NOW, and she most likely wouldnt even need to pay a deposit. What a fucking find, eh? Her immediate response was "Im not living in a place with a kid".
ANGER MODE ACTIVATED!!! What the fuck?? She is acting like she is in no rush, and wants to find the "perfect" place. I told her (in the calmest way I could manage) that perhaps she needed to be more willing to find something less then ideal temporarily. OH NO. WRONG THING TO SAY. This led to quite a fight which included her telling me she hates me MANY times, throwing something at the sliding glass door, punching her computer desk hard enough to send a couple things flying, throwing some make up kit thing in the bathroom (and breaking it), etc. Then she left....
That was a few minutes ago.
Obviously people tend to give advise that favors their friend, so I take it with a grain of salt, but most of my friends are shocked that I am even letting her live her. They tell me I should pack her shit up, put it on the curb, and change the locks... I am not convinced that is the right call, but I DO wonder if there is some better way then what we are doing...
My best advice to myself is to just man the fuck up and stop letting my emotions rule me - if I dont let her get to me, then things wont deteriorate every time we talk. However, it hasnt worked so far...
Please advise
Lots I could say, but I think ill keep it brief. I have been dating a girl for about 2 1/2 years, and we lived together for 2 of them. The relationship has had highs and lows - this is the 2nd girl I have fallen in love with, and in many ways I felt like our relationship reached a level I had never gotten to with a girlfriend before - Ive done plenty of more casual things, usually bailing out before things got too serious.
Anywho, over the course of the relationship we had a variety of different issues, and truthfully I ignored some red flags. I was so excited about being in love again (7 years since the last time) that I was committed to making it work. I tried to learn from the bad and focus on the good, and for the most part I succeeded. I I don't regret our relationship, as there are many positive things that came out of it. However, I *do* regret my current living situation.
We broke up 2 weeks ago (there are PLENTY of details large and small, but the honest truth is that we simply arent compatible. We hold drastically different viewpoints on a few very important things, such as what is appropriate behavior in a relationship and how important honesty and communication are). Now, we are both staying together in MY house - I bought it (along with my dad, I didnt have the $$ on my own) a little over a year ago. She has been unemplyed for pretty much the past year and a half, going to school and living off of the loans. She has no money saved up, she JUST got a job (started about 2 days after we broke up - thank god this was in the works or it would be an even worse situation), she has just under a month of school left in the term, and she has 2 dogs. The "plan" as it has been established is that I am willing to let here stay here until her school term ends, but she needs to be out as soon as possible. There is a *chance* that I would extend the length of time if she hadnt found a place and things were peaceful enough for it to not be total shit having her here longer.
Sadly it hasnt been going smoothly. It has been tense, there is anger, there have been words, and really its just fucking an awful place to be right now. I tend to be a homebody, *especially* when dealing with something like this - I nurse my wounds at home and recuperate, unlike a guy like Onoes who would likely be out with friends/at the bars/high school parties/whatever while the storm passes (kidding Onoes!). I need my space, and yet every time I come home from work here she is!
Truthfully, I have taken my frustrations out on her. It hasnt helped the situation - I should honestly just be ignoring her, hardly talking, etc, and yet I have tried to *communicate* with her about things, which invariably leads us to a verbal abuse contest, possibly some yelling, anger, hurt feelings, all the good stuff. However, she is being pretty shitty. She has been seeing some fucking dude within a week or so of us breaking up *and lying to me about where she was going* (a big part of why we broke up - honesty issues) I shouldnt let that shit get to me but it enrages me.... She hasnt done a fucking dish in 2 weeks. Her dirty laundry is strewn about... she is treating me, and the house, with zero respect, as I try to give her time to figure her situation out...
I came home from work today and mentioned that a mutual friend has a room opening up in his/his gf's place. It would be the two of them, the chicks 5 year old son, their dog, my ex, and her 2 dogs. Its a place that allows pets (REALLY hard to find in the area we are in actually), with people she knows, that is available pretty much NOW, and she most likely wouldnt even need to pay a deposit. What a fucking find, eh? Her immediate response was "Im not living in a place with a kid".
ANGER MODE ACTIVATED!!! What the fuck?? She is acting like she is in no rush, and wants to find the "perfect" place. I told her (in the calmest way I could manage) that perhaps she needed to be more willing to find something less then ideal temporarily. OH NO. WRONG THING TO SAY. This led to quite a fight which included her telling me she hates me MANY times, throwing something at the sliding glass door, punching her computer desk hard enough to send a couple things flying, throwing some make up kit thing in the bathroom (and breaking it), etc. Then she left....
That was a few minutes ago.
Obviously people tend to give advise that favors their friend, so I take it with a grain of salt, but most of my friends are shocked that I am even letting her live her. They tell me I should pack her shit up, put it on the curb, and change the locks... I am not convinced that is the right call, but I DO wonder if there is some better way then what we are doing...
My best advice to myself is to just man the fuck up and stop letting my emotions rule me - if I dont let her get to me, then things wont deteriorate every time we talk. However, it hasnt worked so far...
Please advise
