Marriage and the Power of Divorce

Phazael_sl said:

Sounds like a number of factors:

Dog Died- My wife was absolutely nuts for a year after her dog passed away.

Moving away from home- Much harder on women, who often like to keep close with their families, than men and you already pointed out that she has not made new friends. This pretty much makes you her only friend out there.

No marriage- Probably very frustrating for her, especially since she basically dropped her life to be out there with you. Not saying you are doing this or that this is even happening, but from her minds eye you might be "not buying the cow when you can get the milk for free" as it were. Her not having other friends pretty much means she has no one to vent this shit off on, so you are basically getting all of the emotional blowback on this.

Different Expectations- I think she is likely trying to be a trooper, but its just not in her nature and she fails at it when push comes to shove. Your her only friend in the area and she wants to be around you, but once its time to put up or shut up about something difficult like the skiing, she rage quits. Pretty normal reaction of a person trying to be something they really aren't.

Long Time to get Ready- Women all do this shit in my experience. The time needed to get ready increases proportionally with the degree you want to do something, they don't like the activity, and the amount you bitch about them dragging their ass on the way out the door. My wife does not wear makeup and is basically a died in the wool tomgirl, but if we need to leave for someplace I want to go that she doesn't, she manages to make getting ready last eons. I got her back the last time we were going to go see her family by queing up a giant shit that I initiated the moment she was ready to go. She was not amused, but it was worth the hell I took over it.

I think Noodle asked the right question, though. If there is enough there that you see enjoying her company for the long haul, then you have to accept that people are different and make some concessions. If you are keeping her around just out of guilt or pity, then its time to move on sooner rather than later.

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So, yea, there's a lot going on. I get it. That's why I'm not just like 'fuck you bitch, get out'. We talked a bit, she finally went to the doctor's office (had a number of minor things not helping like allergies, bad migraine meds, etc.), Dr. fixed a few scripts which weren't working out and asked her to get on an antidepressant for a while to see if it helps. So it seems like she's taking some positive steps now that I did the talk equivalent of *shake shoulders wake up*.

The problem is really twofold for activities though - 1) I'm FINE doing mostly anything alone. I have hobbies/sports that engage me enough to want to do them alone. but... 2) I want to find a middle ground and include her in my life to some degree. I don't expect her to like everything I do, in fact I don't want her to - I want her to have her own passions. I fucking hate it when people are so fake they will say 'oh yea I like/dislike that too!' toanythingto be agreeable. Anyway, the problem is she really doesn't put effort into finding her own likes/dislikes and THAT is my biggest frustration. It's been true with literally EVERY woman I've dated, though, but here it's just compounded by the other issues. So that's why I'm trying to pry her to do things - anything, really - that are new that she can find some sort of interest in. Obviously it started with a lot of the things I like to do because I know how to do them and don't mind... but I've done plenty of stuff I don't really care for that either of us think she'd like - to mixed results.

I know I'm unfair to a degree. For example when she had just moved to AZ and we drove up to Flagstaff to bum around town since I hadn't been there in maybe 12 years. She got 'sick' 30 minutes into the trip and I spent an hour at the first rest stop north of Anthem basically waiting for her. It was supremely frustrating. I am 'out of commission sick'maybe1-3 days every 5 years, if that. I get sick enough to impact my life very rarely. So yea, was it her fault? No. But it's still frustrating as hell to catch no breaks whether it be her (I don't want to), life (sickness) or something dumb like fatal traffic accident ruining a weekend because the highway we need to take is effectively closed. It's just incessant and a lot of it is luck but it's still unbearably common in our relationship.

So I'm glad she's taking some steps to improvement. I just want to figure out something about what's going on besides 'this sucks'. Part me, part her, part life, who knows? That's why I come back to "what's the point?". If she said she just needed to be with family and still loved me but had to move back east so we had to take a break, I'm sure I would be upset initially but I would also be OK with it. I want her to be happy and I am just not wired to need permanent or 24/7 companionship. I'd be more happy that she was taking a step towards what she wanted as a friend than upset as a boyfriend. I'd also be very upset if things just detonated and I lost her completely.

I guess I just have to really take some time to dissect this once the move is complete in a few weeks and hash out exactly what she wants. I could give two shits whatdreamsanyone has, I want to see goals instead. That's my major concern. Dreams are not useful motivators, they just end up being depressing measuring sticks. That's all she seems to have at this point. Fucking "I hope you have D cups and a shapely ass and marry before age 24" Disney, ruining girls.

The most worrisome part to me, and you can feel free to correct me on this, is you sound like you're talking about a friend you have sex with - you don't sound like a dude that's been with a woman for almost 2 years and is in love with them. There's nothing wrong with that, but I'd be willing to bet she's far more emotionally invested in this than you sound to be.

The best advice might be to sit down and talk about where the relationship is and where it's headed.

And you also have to decide if you love her. Not to be a fag, but that's a real thing. People go through slumps and sometimes those slumps can last half a year, a year. The goal of getting out of the slump is important, obviously. But you know what I mean.

The faggy part is that you both gotta talk about "your relationship".

Better you than me.

Onoes I wish you would have told me you were helping her move. I was in Phoenix from Thursday til yesterday. Nothing tests the bounds of true love like a good old fashioned tag team.

I wish I could see images at work.

Khane_sl said:

Onoes I wish you would have told me you were helping her move. I was in Phoenix from Thursday til yesterday. Nothing tests the bounds of true love like a good old fashioned tag team.

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Nah man, I'm all about making people feel better about themselves, you don't want to get into a situation where you are compared with me in that area.

I woulda put it in the hole you stay away from. No comparison available.

You can do better than that Z. Come on now.

Not the eyeball, noooooooooo.

Stick it in her ear) and fuck her brains out
.......................) so she can hear you coming.

Since we have a lot of married men posting their gripes here and this has become a sort of universal marriage thread, I thought I might share an awesome moment in marriage. I had some breakfast sausage that needed cooked so I prepared breakfast sandwiches for during the week while the wife was at work yesterday. Her response to seeing them in the fridge when she got home, "You made breakfast sandwiches today?, Why am I not fucking you right now?"

mkopec_sl said:

So why wasnt she fucking you right then? Its not what they say, bro, its what they do that matters.

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Thats where it gets even better, its because she had just gotten home and I was in the middle of a HotS match. After the game when we went to the bedroom, I kissed her and said, "Oh hi, by the way, since I never really acknowledged you getting home yet" and she said "and here I am in bed with you." She ain't even mad bros.

Yeah, I don't have any Onoes level stories, but I did just have my 25th anniversary with my kick-ass wife.