Marriage and the Power of Divorce

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Haast

Haast

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Soygen_sl said:
Just be straight up that you need to have time to yourself and your own hobbies/activities. Her wanting to come over while you're asleep doesn't really seem that big a deal. What about when you're awake? What are some examples of you wanting space while you're awake? If the relationship is still relatively young and you're feeling cramped, you might just not be that into it.
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There are other examples, but let's keep it simple: she goes out of her way to maximize time spent with me, enough to where I lack time (or feel constantly under time pressure) to do my own thing. It has also come to annoy some of my close friends and family. I've dealt with co-dependence before and I don't care to deal with it again long term. So hopefully it is a misunderstanding (as in she doesn't get that she is going over the top and is willing to dial it down a bit).

Khane_sl said:
The bros are right Haast, you'll never get through to her. Like Iannis said, that is just a part of her personality. Why attempt to change something that cannot be changed?
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Well, I could just cut the cord. But she has many other positives, so it's worth a shot to see if things can improve on this front.

Noodlemod_sl said:
Did she come over to be taken to pound town or did she just come over for like hanging out or something?
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Alex_sl said:
True, she might be planning on some drunk sex. Of course, then she's driving 40 minutes to your place and that's not cool either.
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It isn't for sex and even if it was for drunk sex, that would be awful considering she'd be drunk driving for a long time late at night to accomplish it (as Alex pointed out). It is her trying to maximize time spent with me in a foolish, idealistic way that doesn't translate to any more time in reality.
 
Haast

Haast

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Famm_sl said:
Well, it could be worth it if the relationship grows into a deep and rewarding one and you have a loyal devoted girlfriend who never wants to lose you. The reality is probably more likely that eventually the new car smell wears off and this clingyness turns dark and jealous, leading to insane fits of anger and/or manic depressive female hysteria.

So...keep posting, we want to hear all about the latter!
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Well like I said, you guys could be in for a treat. Who knows. She hasn't been prone to emotional flip-outs so far.
 
Famm

Famm

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Put your foot down and say you don't feel comfortable with her driving all the way to your house after partying and you'll be upset if she does that. See how she responds. She might construe it as you really love and care for her safety so much or something awful that will make her neediness worse. But she could be like, ok you're right I just want to be with you but I'll come by the next day, and its a start in the right direction.

Or she might flip out and say you don't love her/don't want to see her/are planning to fuck someone else...then you would have the red flags to be like "I'm out!"
 
Haast

Haast

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Noodlemod_sl said:
Imagine the hilarity that would ensue if Onoes girlfriend went on his computer and found this thread
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The fun thing about this forum (maybe the internet in general) is getting a window into the lives of others you would probably never meet. Or at least the fake lives they imagine for themselves on a message board. Chances are I would never meet a guy like Onoes or J49 or Antarius. It's good for perspective and learning from the successes/failures of others.

So keep on sharing the stories. Even if you fuck up or have an odd perspective, it benefits the whole.
 
Haast

Haast

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Famm_sl said:
Put your foot down and say you don't feel comfortable with her driving all the way to your house after partying and you'll be upset if she does that. See how she responds. She might construe it as you really love and care for her safety so much or something awful that will make her neediness worse. But she could be like, ok you're right I just want to be with you but I'll come by the next day, and its a start in the right direction.

Or she might flip out and say you don't love her/don't want to see her/are planning to fuck someone else...then you would have the red flags to be like "I'm out!"
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Yeah, this is sound. I just hope I can convey the message in a broader sense. Maybe a nice way of saying "chill the fuck out".
 
Famm

Famm

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It will probably backfire if you say anything to make it seem like you're saying she's doing something "wrong". I'd honestly be curious just to see how she responds to an attempt to firmly set some boundaries, and the party/driving thing seems like a perfect test situation. Just my thoughts.
 
Famm

Famm

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Haast_sl said:
6 months, both mid 30s.
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Mid thirties seems a little old for this behavior, but we don't know all details either. She divorced, never married, single mom? Family? Split parents, divorced, raised by single mom? Just makes me wonder where she's coming from with her approach to the relationship.
 
Soygen

Soygen

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You should also go out of your way to start doing things on your own or with friends(without her). Establish that habit while the relationship is still young. The fact that you're saying you feel like you don't have enough time to do your own things is only a result of you not doing them. It's as easy as:"I'm going to soandso's tonight and we're going to grab a couple drinks. I'll text you when I get home"If she wigs out or reacts negatively to these situations, then it's just further proof that this might not work out.
 
Khane

Khane

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I think some of you guys are bonkers. Now of course we don't know the whole story but it sounds like the two of them just have different relationship ideals. Some people need personal space and independence, some need constant attention and nurturing. There is nothing inherently wrong with being and living either of those ways, but trying to shoehorn a relationship between two people who are drastically different in that regard just won't work. And it's not like either one of you are wrong or broken or crazy. You just aren't right for each other.

This isn't one of those kinds of things you can work through. We're not talking about a situation to compromise on here. This isn't one person wanting to start a pizza Friday tradition and the other not really all that into pizza. These are differences in personalities and by mid 30s those differences are inherent and ingrained.
 
Soygen

Soygen

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Nobody is trying to shoe horn anything. Most adults don't immediately dump someone because of something they find off putting. He clearly likes the girl, so it's probably worth discussing(with her) at the very least, before pulling the ripcord.
 
Phazael

Phazael

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Both mid 30s and only 6 months in? Yeah she is trying to lock you down a bit. She could be batshit or she could have just been burnt before and have some trust issues. Either way, 6 months in is way to early to tell. Trying to have a discussion about this is a fools errand, though. It will only blow up in your face. Better to take the Soy route and assert a little independence to set the ground rules early and see how it plays out from there.
 
Khane

Khane

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Soygen_sl said:
Nobody is trying to shoe horn anything. Most adults don't immediately dump someone because of something they find off putting. He clearly likes the girl, so it's probably worth discussing(with her) at the very least, before pulling the ripcord.
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That's one way to look at it. The other way to look at it is why, as adults, do we try to make things work with people we know we won't get along with? Why do so many adults make the mistake of trying to change themselves or their partners when it was clear from the start it wouldn't work? How many people here have stories like that which ended in divorce?

I mean yes, it's foolish to just cut and run at the first sign of trouble and it's a little immature, but it's also immature to pretend that two very different people just need time and eventually it will all work out. Being an adult sucks.
 
Noodleface

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Running at the first sign of trouble

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Phazael

Phazael

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Depends on if you want a long lasting relationship or not. That takes compromise and prioritizing what's important. Doing that takes time and care. If all your doing is switching out bangmaids every couple years, then yeah bailing early on a relationship due to a couple differences makes sense. When you are past the 35 mark and looking to settle down, you have to focus on what's important and ignore the little shit.
 
Soygen

Soygen

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Khane_sl said:
but it's also immature to pretend that two very different people just need time and eventually it will all work out. Being an adult sucks.
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I guess I'm just not getting the "two very different people" part from the very little bit of information we have from Haast. Maybe they are both very different and incompatible, but if it were me, I would at least want to express that I'm annoyed before ending the relationship. If I don't like something, my girlfriend knows about it pretty quickly. I feel our relationship is better for it. I feel like my advice will at least help confirm whether or not this is a dead end; remember that Haast has yet to even broach the subject with her.


EDIT: I agree with Phaz's post above. If Haast isn't really looking for something serious, then that changes it. That being said, that would also be something I communicated very clearly from the beginning of the relationship.
 
Khane

Khane

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Phazael_sl said:
Depends on if you want a long lasting relationship or not. That takes compromise and prioritizing what's important. Doing that takes time and care. If all your doing is switching out bangmaids every couple years, then yeah bailing early on a relationship due to a couple differences makes sense. When you are past the 35 mark and looking to settle down, you have to focus on what's important and ignore the little shit.
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You realize that there is a difference between the little shit and shit that is inherent in our personalities and will never change? And that's what I've already stated and what I'm talking about?
 
Khane

Khane

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Soygen_sl said:
I guess I'm just not getting the "two very different people" part from the very little bit of information we have from Haast. Maybe they are both very different and incompatible, but if it were me, I would at least want to express that I'm annoyed before ending the relationship. If I don't like something, my girlfriend knows about it pretty quickly. I feel our relationship is better for it. I feel like my advice will at least help confirm whether or not this is a dead end; remember that Haast has yet to even broach the subject with her.


EDIT: I agree with Phaz's post above. If Haast isn't really looking for something serious, then that changes it. That being said, that would also be something I communicated very clearly from the beginning of the relationship.
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I guess I just think that her wanting to always be with him and going out of her way to do so is something that is part of her. You can pretend having a talk will somehow change that, but she probably didn't just start doing this with him, it's just who she is. You can't change those kinds of things. Trying to just creates resentment.

Basically what Iannis said. You may as well tell her to stop breathing.
 
Haast

Haast

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Khane_sl said:
That's one way to look at it. The other way to look at it is why, as adults, do we try to make things work with people we know we won't get along with? Why do so many adults make the mistake of trying to change themselves or their partners when it was clear from the start it wouldn't work? How many people here have stories like that which ended in divorce?

I mean yes, it's foolish to just cut and run at the first sign of trouble and it's a little immature, but it's also immature to pretend that two very different people just need time and eventually it will all work out. Being an adult sucks.
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Easy big guy, I'm simply giving it a chance to improve. Another month or two with someone I don't mind being with to see about longer term compatibility isn't a bad thing.
 
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