Marriage and the Power of Divorce

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Dashel

Dashel

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As for my contribution to the thread dont be too depressed on my account. I have zero regrets in getting married. My kids are amazing and I would not trade them for anything. Love my wife too and outside of the sex lately, it's been almost all good. Nice house, great neighborhood and schools, kids... family. Again no regrets.

That said, the sex sucks. No passion and all those cliche's. So that must change. If that means divorce, well that realllllly blows but so be it. Remember this has been going on for some time for me so I guess I'm just in the acceptance phase. I am not going to be the guy that jerks it in the office every night because he doesnt get any. So something has to give.

Outside of that though, things are pretty fucking good! hah.

Oh as for the stay single forever thing, I think that's a fairly big red flag as you get older. Maybe I'm wrong but I've heard more than one woman express it.
 
mkopec

mkopec

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@Dashel...

I dont understand what you want out of sex life with a wife after some years. I mean that shit will get stale no matter what. Even if there is still passion and flavor, even the best sex will get stale because it ends up being the same old shit.

If all the shit you say is true and things are good, why fuck it up over sex? I guess I just dont understand what you mean. My wife and I have been married going on 13 yrs this year and yeah the passion is gone and the new flavor might be gone, but we still have fun every once in a while. Maybe not as often as I would like, but thats life and this is why we have the good porn. /shrug

Have you guys talked about this? Have you sat her down and told her you need more from her?
 
Khane

Khane

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So you suggest apathy? He's trying to re-ignite the fire, you're just accepting defeat. His approach is better for personal happiness and mental well being.
 
Deathwing

Deathwing

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Eomer_sl said:
That part was left undefined. That's the genius of it.

"Okay, it's 2018, time for a puppy!"

"You didn't take it in the pooper last week. No sale."
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But did you use those actual words with her, "behaving"?

Khane_sl said:
So you suggest apathy? He's trying to re-ignite the fire, you're just accepting defeat. His approach is better for personal happiness and mental well being.
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No, he's suggesting apathy compared to blowing up his life. Who knows, maybe he'll get divorced, his current wife won't take him for everything, and he'll find some smart, attractive, big titted woman that loves taking it in the ass at a moment's notice and is a great stepmother.

The sexual apathy is an opportunity cost. And not getting laid is much much lower of a cost compared to what he's considering doing. But, that doesn't mean he shouldn't talk to her about it. Just don't go around expecting to get laid all the time.
 
Dashel

Dashel

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I simply dont accept: "that's just normal, the sex gets stale". I'm not saying it isnt true, I'm just saying if it is normal, then being monogamous is not normal. Or staying married is not normal. Some aspect of our cultural set up of monogamous sex is fucked up if this is so easily accepted. I'm reading these other forums and they say things like I need to make myself the most awesome perfect guy so my wife will be turned on and want the D. I mean ok I'm all for self improvement and i have been doing that for years. So sure I'll put in the work but so far no change.

I'm not anti porn, you should have seen me torrenting the new Tila Tequila anal porn last night... (it's ok, not bad). But as a supplement, not substitute.

Meanwhile, I'm sure other men might get her juices flowing given a chance. Even guys not as awesome as me! So what's wrong here is my question.
 
Khane

Khane

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Deathwing_sl said:
But did you use those actual words with her, "behaving"?



No, he's suggesting apathy compared to blowing up his life. Who knows, maybe he'll get divorced, his current wife won't take him for everything, and he'll find some smart, attractive, big titted woman that loves taking it in the ass at a moment's notice and is a great stepmother.

The sexual apathy is an opportunity cost. And not getting laid is much much lower of a cost compared to what he's considering doing. But, that doesn't mean he shouldn't talk to her about it. Just don't go around expecting to get laid all the time.
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I read it as apathy vs even trying to re-ignite the passion. He's giving in without even attempting something. I'm not saying divorce is the solution, I'm just saying sitting there and never trying at all is what chumps do. Married chumps don't try to excite their wife because "why bother I have porn".

Also, that attitude of apathy probably leads to a lot of infidelity on the woman's part. "You don't make me feel pretty anymore, you'd rather jerk off to porn. You didn't even realize I wanted to have sex when I touched your back".

So choose apathy if you want. Seems like a terrible idea to me. If you just accept that your sex life will suck who's to say she is going to accept it as well? Good to try to re-engage it to at least show interest.
 
Eomer

Eomer

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Deathwing_sl said:
But did you use those actual words with her, "behaving"?
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Hard to say exactly, we were both pretty drunk. It wasn't an actual serious discussion. I don't think, anyways! What are you getting at?
 
Deathwing

Deathwing

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Oh, I don't think anyone's suggesting THAT much apathy. Of course he should make a reasonable effort to talk to her and make improvements. But at the same time, as Carlin said, DROP SOME OF YOUR NEEDS. Considering everything else he has, I wouldn't get hung up on lack of sex. It would bother me and I would strive to fix it. But it definitely wouldn't be a need nor a deal breaker.


Eomer, the wording is a bit childish, that's all. But if the moment of the conversation allowed for it, then by all means. Contextual humor translates poorly.

BTW, weekly anal for a dog is a losing proposition. I suggest you renegotiate for daily anal and butt urinification.
 
Eomer

Eomer

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heh, sorry, I thought it was fairly obvious that the whole thing wasn't really intended to be a serious discussion or negotiation between us. I only mentioned it to demonstrate that at least to this point, there's really nothing contentious going on in the relationship. But that's to be expected, given that we're only 15 months in.
 
Joeboo

Joeboo

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The lack of exciting sex in a long marriage isn't nearly the boner killer as the thought of having to work an extra 15-20 years because I lost half of my assets & retirement in a divorce.

Having to resort to porn(or thinking about it while doing your boring wife) is a much better alternative to starting your life over minus half your shit.
 
Dashel

Dashel

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See that to me is depressing. Just accept it or you'll lose half your shit. I dont accept that and I dont think that is even a remote possibility for me. Neither do I know anyone that has ever happened to.
 
Deathwing

Deathwing

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Oh, then by all means, take that frigid bitch to court!

Money aside, which still should account for something, it's just not worth it. Yeah, I'm the guy that likes jerking off. There's some stuff porn can fulfill that I wouldn't even bother asking my wife. Too weird, too stupid, and/or too one-sided.

Maybe you need some weird porn.
 
Gravel

Gravel

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Eomer_sl said:
Basically every single one of my friends at the wedding were like "your woman is awesome, don't fuck this up. Why aren't you marrying her?" My response was generally some variation of "she's going back to school this spring, so that's out for at least another 2-3 years."
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Ugh, I really don't understand shit like that. Why is the automatic response that you should marry her? It's like there's this idea that if you don't marry her, she'll leave, so you'd better do that shit. Almost like it's an ultimatum.

Dashel_sl said:
I simply dont accept: "that's just normal, the sex gets stale". I'm not saying it isnt true, I'm just saying if it is normal, then being monogamous is not normal. Or staying married is not normal. Some aspect of our cultural set up of monogamous sex is fucked up if this is so easily accepted. I'm reading these other forums and they say things like I need to make myself the most awesome perfect guy so my wife will be turned on and want the D. I mean ok I'm all for self improvement and i have been doing that for years. So sure I'll put in the work but so far no change.
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Seriously. mkopec just sounds defeated. Thanks for the advice, but I'll pass on just giving up.
 
Khane

Khane

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This is why marriage is like a trap. In my mind the only viable excuse for staying with someone you aren't happily married to is for the kids. A close second is the fear of being monetarily castrated. As a single man I feel like being actively refused sex or just having sex I'm not into is more than enough reason to part ways. It's almost like heated seats in a car. Go long enough without it and you probably think you just don't care anymore. Then hop in your friends car on a frigid morning and feel that sweet, sweet butt heat and you think "Fuck, I need this in my life... all the time". I guess on the other hand once you have it for a while you kind of say "eh, what's the big deal, I could deal without it if I were driving my dream car"
 
Joeboo

Joeboo

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Deathwing_sl said:
Oh, then by all means, take that frigid bitch to court!

Money aside, which still should account for something, it's just not worth it. Yeah, I'm the guy that likes jerking off. There's some stuff porn can fulfill that I wouldn't even bother asking my wife. Too weird, too stupid, and/or too one-sided.

Maybe you need some weird porn.
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Lol seriously. Sometimes I honestly prefer masturbating to having sex. Usually quicker, I don't even remotely have to consider another persons wants or needs, I can just be totally selfish. Can just do what you have to do and get on with your day, no strings attached. No different than sometimes just wanting a quick bacon cheeseburger & fries instead of a big steak dinner. Fulfills a need in a quick and easy manner.
 
Khane

Khane

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Everyone feels that way. Sometimes you just need to yank the chain and get back to grinding that purple loincloth. That's a lot different than having to because you have no other choice.
 
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