Marriage and the Power of Divorce

My god you guys are being depressing. Yeah sex gets stale if you don't ever make any effort. If you're happy with that kind of sex life, I'm not really sure what to say...

I'll notice things are getting stale every once and a while, you know when you just have sex for the sake of having sex but nothing is really clicking between the two of you? If I notice that happening, I'll switch it up. Talk dirty, wear lingerie when he comes home from work one night, send him a naughty picture while he's at work, etc. EVERYONE has to make effort. The reason sex with someone new is good, is because you are both making an effort. Why not make that same effort with your wife/husband? The sex can stay good.

Ok so porn question here (sorry to interrupt the conversation). What is it about porn for men? I'm not a porn person nor a dude, so I honestly don't understand it. Is it about watching other people? Other woman? Watching kinky things? If you had those kinky things in your relationship would you not have the desire to watch it? Just curious.

Cad_sl said:

If you had one of every type of clothing you could think of in your closet (you probably do, anyway) would you still go shopping?

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Maybe this is why I am weird, because the honest answer to that is no. Why would I need to if I have everything already.

edit: Just want to make it clear I am in no way saying there is anything wrong with porn, it has just never done it for me.

Deathwing_sl said:

Two answers:

Porn stars do things their spouses won't do.
Porn stars do things they don't want their spouses to do.

And the exception: reverse cowgirl. Fun to watch, completely stupid to do.


As for stale sex, I don't think anyone is advocating giving up. Of course you should make an effort. I think this is the third time I typed this response today in different words.

I'll just reiterate what I said a few weeks ago: find something your wife want and can only come from your penis.

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See that is what I am curious about. Me and my husband are really open about fantasies so I know what does it for him and him for me. But for others, are there really things you want that you don't want with your wife? Why is that? And are there things your wife won't do? Have you asked? Sorry for all the questions, talking about sex with other men isn't really something a woman does irl so I find it really interesting.

edit: I actually just now read a porn question on r/askmen where someone replied that the porn a guy is into isn't necessarily something he even wants in his sex life. I found that really interesting. Is this pretty typical? I haven't experienced something that turns me on that I'm not willing to do but I'm curious if porn has the effect on woman, it is just that we aren't as exposed to it.

Elurin_sl said:

Ugh, I really don't understand shit like that. Why is the automatic response that you should marry her? It's like there's this idea that if you don't marry her, she'll leave, so you'd better do that shit. Almost like it's an ultimatum.

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Well, I think it's a combination of factors. Yes, our current society and culture has programmed most of us to view marriage as the inevitable next/last step in a relationship. We've been dating for over a year, she's moved in, we're happy, ergo we should probably get married. Second, my friends are quite well aware of my incompetence when it comes to women, are shocked that the current one has stuck around this long (and surprisingly seems to enjoy my company), and figure I should "lock this one down" ASAP because I'll probably not come across another one nearly as good if this one gets away. And there's probably a lot of truth to that! Third, these conversations were taking place at a wedding, so yeah, there's some bias in the air there.

But I personally don't feel any pressure to get married, either from her, friends, or family. Yet, anyways. Everything's awesome at the moment, I see no reason to make any drastic decisions.

Deathwing_sl said:

And the exception: reverse cowgirl. Fun to watch, completely stupid to do.

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Why is it stupid to do? The angle of the dangle in that position hits the g-spot, much like doggy or spooning. It's just that most chicks can't figure out how to do it properly.

lindz_sl said:

edit: I actually just now read a porn question on r/askmen where someone replied that the porn a guy is into isn't necessarily something he even wants in his sex life. I found that really interesting. Is this pretty typical? I haven't experienced something that turns me on that I'm not willing to do but I'm curious if porn has the effect on woman, it is just that we aren't as exposed to it.

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That's pretty much the case for me. I have a very large porn collection from various websites. The vast majority of it is anal porn. For whatever reason, high quality anal porn (like stuff on Brazzers, for example), is the only porn that will do it for me masturbation wise. Yet I've never had anal sex in my life, and I don't really have all that much interest in it because in real life it's nowhere near as clean and easy. So yeah, porn/masturbation isn't really a replacement for sex for me, personally.

lindz_sl said:

Ok so porn question here (sorry to interrupt the conversation). What is it about porn for men? I'm not a porn person nor a dude, so I honestly don't understand it. Is it about watching other people? Other woman? Watching kinky things? If you had those kinky things in your relationship would you not have the desire to watch it? Just curious.

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I think the a big part of the thing with men and porn that women don't understand comes back to the basic biological fact that men are much more visually stimulated than women are. Maybe the watching other people also helps guys in monogamous relationships substitute that basic instinct to spread ones seed on a subconscious level, I don't know, just theorizing here.

As far as kinky stuff, I can only speak for myself here, but I am way more into kink stuff than my wife is. She does make an effort to fulfill my fantasies at times so I do have (most) of those kinky things I like in my relationship. At other times I have to keep things vanilla because that is what she likes. This is something that I am 100% fine with because marriage is about compromise. Porn does help me bridge that gap by offering me a kind of outlet for those kinky things that I may not get every time we are intimate. However, I think if you are using porn that way you have to be careful to not start resenting your partner for not offering those things because porn can give you completely unrealistic expectations for your sex life if you can't separate the fantasy from reality.

lindz_sl said:

edit: I actually just now read a porn question on r/askmen where someone replied that the porn a guy is into isn't necessarily something he even wants in his sex life. I found that really interesting. Is this pretty typical? I haven't experienced something that turns me on that I'm not willing to do but I'm curious if porn has the effect on woman, it is just that we aren't as exposed to it.

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There is porn that I enjoy that I have no desire to bring into my life. I don't know how to explain it other than maybe it is more like a form of entertainment rather than just an outlet for the kind of sex you want to have. Maybe similar to how many women enjoy some of these television dramas (e.g. soap operas) but probably have no desire to have that kind of strife and drama in their actual lives.

I watch porn because it's visual stimulation while I masturbate. It has nothing to do with fulfilling weird fantasies or getting something I can't otherwise get. I guess I'm weird in that I also never watch porn that involves something I wouldn't want in my own sex life.

When I am having sex I can see the person, and touch them, it's physical and visual and if I love them also emotional. Porn can't ever fulfill the emotional part but when I want to J/O I want some visual stimulation to go along with it. Not only that but nothing turns me on more than the noises a woman makes when she's enjoying herself. So I turn the volume up to. Masturbating to mental pictures just doesn't do it most of the time. I don't need porn for anything other than that. I usually end up thinking about the woman I am currently banging while I'm watching porn. The porn just fills in the noise and gets me started. There are even times when I've stopped and called them to tell them that I wanted them... right now.

Porn can also be an educational tool. "Just got some new moves babe, ready or not here I ...."

My wife and I do RCG all the time, no issues and I enjoy it. /shrug

Less work for me in RCG.

RCG woman can lean back and be in charge instead of just getting pounded on her knees. Same end result but changes things up just a bit.

lindz_sl said:

Ok so porn question here (sorry to interrupt the conversation). What is it about porn for men? I'm not a porn person nor a dude, so I honestly don't understand it. Is it about watching other people? Other woman? Watching kinky things? If you had those kinky things in your relationship would you not have the desire to watch it? Just curious.

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It is completely visual. Sometimes a passing thought ends with you get a random boner and you just gotta knock one out.

Porn allows you to have some variety yet still be faithful. Keep in mind not all partners agree that this activity is faithful.

See I disagree with that. I don't think it offers variety at all. To me all it is just visual stimulation. I just want to see a woman's naked body to get the juices flowing, it's not about wanting to see a different woman's body. Homemade porn with my current partner would do the same thing for me.

lindz_sl said:

My god you guys are being depressing. Yeah sex gets stale if you don't ever make any effort. If you're happy with that kind of sex life, I'm not really sure what to say...

I'll notice things are getting stale every once and a while, you know when you just have sex for the sake of having sex but nothing is really clicking between the two of you? If I notice that happening, I'll switch it up. Talk dirty, wear lingerie when he comes home from work one night, send him a naughty picture while he's at work, etc. EVERYONE has to make effort. The reason sex with someone new is good, is because you are both making an effort. Why not make that same effort with your wife/husband? The sex can stay good.

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It's not about effort for a man past a certain point of familiarity, it's about "newness". Men are biologically wired to fuck, and fuck often, and I'm not talking about doing the same woman. I could go into the gazillion sperm, multiple erections per day factoids, but everybody knows it already. Monogamy is a simply a social construct that does its best to override these biological drives. Look at homosexual men--mostly promiscuous, multiple partners, and *generally* aren't looking to settle down until they are older than the average straight guy. Homosexual men basically represent "the unfettered male"-- how a man would behave sexually if the various social constructs and restrictions imposed on a traditional male/female relationship didn't exist. A man is built to be a slut. Tell me guys, how many of you after blowing your load have had your "interest level" for the woman lying beside you drop to almost nil, at least until you are horny again? This is just a biological mechanism at work doing its best to have you "move on". Women on the other hand develop a closer bond upon having sex. So it's not about introducing "dirty talk" or costumes-- that will help/carry things along, but ultimately the man wants to *smell* a different woman, touch boobs he's never touched before, and hear a tone of moan he's never heard before. I honestly wish it wasn't the case, because I've felt like a total asshole passing up some marriage quality women when I was younger simply because I was "bored" of fucking them, but it's an urge that is very difficult to control..