A lifetime of being conditioned to have no sense of self-worth.
Literally no concept of what self-worth would even feel like, so it's not even something I could cultivate if I wanted to.
Objectively, I know that I am intelligent, at least statistically speaking, on paper. People tell me that I'm funny, insightful, well, when I'm not wallowing in self-pity. And yet I feel that no matter what qualities I possess, I feel they have no value, because I have no value.
It's just been a really, really long time since I had anyone in my life that made me feel like I had value, made me feel like I was even a real person. And I don't even know where to find someone like that, or if I would even be able to accept it if I did.