Parent Thread

chaos · Oct 15, 2015

I have lost my temper more than I am probably even aware of. It is funny, when we had one kid my wife lost her temper and I was the even tempered calm one all the time. Now I just have no patience at all and at least once a week I straight blow up on my kids and I always feel terrible, but whatever, fucking stress. This week's: my 6 year old comes in the bedrooom and wakes me up at midnight to give me a hug and a kiss. I just got to sleep MAYBE half an hour before, and I wake up at 4 for work. But ok, sure, I just tell her I love her and send her off to bed. She wakes me up again at 2 saying "you didn't come check on me". I tell her wtf it is 2 am get in your room. But still, pretty calm. Instead of going to her room, she went into her sister's rooms and woke them up. They proceeded to go downstairs and have a fucking party. In the span of 30 minutes they cracked open a bunch of junk food, made a huge mess, ate their fill, ran around screaming and having a good time. I get up and come downstairs to get them situated and see what they have done and I just blow up, because I know there is no more sleep for me tonight. Make them clean up, get them in their beds, lay down, maybe I can get an hour of sleep, and my 3 year old comes in the bedroom saying "daddy I need to go potty", but she's the cute one, you can't get mad at her. Take her to the bathroom, get up, make breakfast, drive to work. I'm heading to class, I might be home about 9 tonight, hoping to get some sleep because I am dead. I am still furious at that shit and right now I am not certain what I am going to do, but it is going to be something. Even with all that, I feel guilty for yelling this morning.

They doubled up my daughter's ritalin so she is taking 10 mg twice a day now. You definitely notice a difference. No so much in behavior, but in self control. When she is doing something, like starfall or abcmouse on the computer, she is jacked in, total focus.

Larnix · Oct 15, 2015

My son will be 3 in December and he can be quite hard headed but we have been though quite a few major changes in the last 2 months. We just moved from Germany back to the U.S. and spent the first two months in an extended stay hotel. We have been in our home now just under 2 weeks . So that is a lot to process for anyone let alone a 2 year old. I am also currently the stay at home parent while my wife works. (childcare is the same per week here as it cost us per month in Germany)

We try to give our son little warnings about clean up time. IE 5 minutes until we clean up or when the show is over it will be time to get ready. We also turn off all TV radio etc when we want him to transition to something else. I try to tell him when he is making me upset before i lose but sometimes that just doesn't matter. He does repeat mean looks back at me and tell me hes really mad when i tell him. Its hard not to bust up laughing when they are basically mimicking you.

lurkingdirk · Oct 15, 2015

chaos_sl said:
I have lost my temper more than I am probably even aware of. It is funny, when we had one kid my wife lost her temper and I was the even tempered calm one all the time. Now I just have no patience at all and at least once a week I straight blow up on my kids and I always feel terrible, but whatever, fucking stress. This week's: my 6 year old comes in the bedrooom and wakes me up at midnight to give me a hug and a kiss. I just got to sleep MAYBE half an hour before, and I wake up at 4 for work. But ok, sure, I just tell her I love her and send her off to bed. She wakes me up again at 2 saying "you didn't come check on me". I tell her wtf it is 2 am get in your room. But still, pretty calm. Instead of going to her room, she went into her sister's rooms and woke them up. They proceeded to go downstairs and have a fucking party. In the span of 30 minutes they cracked open a bunch of junk food, made a huge mess, ate their fill, ran around screaming and having a good time. I get up and come downstairs to get them situated and see what they have done and I just blow up, because I know there is no more sleep for me tonight. Make them clean up, get them in their beds, lay down, maybe I can get an hour of sleep, and my 3 year old comes in the bedroom saying "daddy I need to go potty", but she's the cute one, you can't get mad at her. Take her to the bathroom, get up, make breakfast, drive to work. I'm heading to class, I might be home about 9 tonight, hoping to get some sleep because I am dead. I am still furious at that shit and right now I am not certain what I am going to do, but it is going to be something. Even with all that, I feel guilty for yelling this morning.

They doubled up my daughter's ritalin so she is taking 10 mg twice a day now. You definitely notice a difference. No so much in behavior, but in self control. When she is doing something, like starfall or abcmouse on the computer, she is jacked in, total focus.

Sheesh. That's a rough night, man. Be glad your kids are still alive.

Yeah the difference in self control is what we noticed with our youngest. That difference will teach her ways to manage her behaviour. You'll see improvements, it takes time for her to relearn her reactions to things with her new ability to focus and control herself.

hodj · Oct 15, 2015

So this is probably the best thread on the forum for this. About a year and a half ago I began the process to find my birth parents.

A few months later, while I was in Poland, they were located by the state and I was informed and I met them (father and mother) and that's cool and all. I mean it was an interesting experience. But I've been kinda stand offish about meeting extended family (I have essentially no contact with my adopted extended family, hell I don't even talk to my sister and her family because they're insane bible thumpers like.....way Jesus freaked out type stuff that is just absurd and childish and I want nothing to do with it).

So this past week apparently my grandfather on my birth father's side had a stroke and died.

Today I get a letter from my biological grand mother, saying she wants to meet me and the kids and all that. Very sincere and all that.

The thing is, my birth father...not on the best of terms with his parents. From what he's told me (note: I don't believe him entirely, he is very self serving in some ways, and very generous and open in others....basically its complicated) his father was sort of very totalitarian and physically abusive as a kid, hence why he wasn't interested in being a father (and why I was put up for adoption in the first place, but that's a long story not worth going into) and he had basically no relationship with the fellow, and I'm pretty sure skipped his funeral.

So, anyway, long story short, what you random internet strangers think about this situation? She's quite old, like in her 80s, so I don't think it would be a big commitment to take the kids down there some day and let her meet them and such, but at the same time, I'm a little wary about getting dragged into this larger family dynamic, especially, you know, this "late" in my life (I'm 35). I'm not really into family drama shit, hence why I don't deal with most of my extended adopted family. I dunno. I think it would be nice in a way, but at the same time, could be opening me up to having to deal with more interactions with these people that I don't know hardly at all. Its a weird situation, just maybe looking for some feedback so I can hash out better how I feel about the whole dealio.

AladainAF · Oct 15, 2015

I have never had the urge to break anything, or hurt anyone/anything. In fact, even though I've always believed in corporal punishment, I've never spanked my kiddo except once, with my hand. I've never like broken anything or what not. It's just - its just a temper when he pushes me. I feel the need to push back. When I do, and I do so in a booming, stern voice, I get immediate results. I don't scream my head off or anything, just raise the voice more into a commanding "I'm serious" tone. I still know its not the right thing to do as often as I do, but will work on other ways I suppose. I agree with the earplugs though - I just can't do that lol. As annoying as he is sometimes that just seems mean

Agraza · Oct 15, 2015

I'd hang with the old lady. She probably wasn't so much a total dick to her son as an enabler to her husband. In any case it's not your beef, and your dad doesn't have to be involved. You don't have to accept every invitation to family events, but meeting an old widow seems like the cool move.

a_skeleton_03 · Oct 15, 2015

I am adopted as well hodj.

I know my birth mother. I trade pleasantries every so often but that is the extant of it. DNA gives them no claim on your time or attention. If I were you and it was truly not a serious commitment of time I would let her meet you and them but the very second she starts on in any drama I would end it. My birth mother tried to do the "I can't make my house payment" once and that was the end of that.

hodj · Oct 15, 2015

Yeah my birth mom is pretty piss poor, but my birth father owned some CAM machine tool programming company and has enough dosh to be comfortable, and his parents seem to have money too from what I can tell of their house on google maps.

My birth mom has tried to get me to give her my social so she can make me the beneficiary of her life insurance. She's asked my birth dad for money here and there, but not me. Not that I have copious amounts of excess cash to hand out anyway.

I'm kinda in agreement with you and Agraza. I think I should meet her, seems to be the least I can do, and involves minimal effort really.

chaos · Oct 15, 2015

AladainAF_sl said:
I have never had the urge to break anything, or hurt anyone/anything. In fact, even though I've always believed in corporal punishment, I've never spanked my kiddo except once, with my hand. I've never like broken anything or what not. It's just - its just a temper when he pushes me. I feel the need to push back. When I do, and I do so in a booming, stern voice, I get immediate results. I don't scream my head off or anything, just raise the voice more into a commanding "I'm serious" tone. I still know its not the right thing to do as often as I do, but will work on other ways I suppose. I agree with the earplugs though - I just can't do that lol. As annoying as he is sometimes that just seems mean

I have spanked my middle child, and I am firmly against spanking or hitting of any kind. I've only done it a handful of times, but the fucked up thing is, it works to the extent that it gets her to snap out of whatever crazy behavior she is doing. The bad thing is I know it's wrong and I am acting out of frustration and just reaching the end of my rope. I don't beat myself up too badly about it, but I definitely don't feel like a good parent when I think about those times.

You sound really normal to me, every parent needs the serious tone, sometimes we use it too much but that's a trial and error thing. You always have to self evaluate and see if what you are doing is working and how you can do better.

chthonic-anemos · Oct 15, 2015

Why isn't your wife handling this 3am sugar party?

chaos · Oct 15, 2015

Because she's got some anxiety shit that I don't understand and racks out with sleeping pills. So she slept right through all of this business.

Believe me, that was an issue this morning. If I had done this shit to my dad when he had to wake up early for work the next morning, hooooooly shit. But like I said in the earlier post, I don't believe in that.

Tuco · Oct 16, 2015

Hodj, as someone who has no shared experience with you I'd say you should meet all your blood relatives you can. You don't owe them anything, but you owe it to yourself to see the people whose DNA you share.

Tuco · Oct 16, 2015

Re: Discipline, what age is the right age to tell a kid no?

My kid is starting to crawl and likes to get into all the things, but it's pretty easy to baby proof our house (because we don't have a bunch of clutter he can get into), so I don't try to scold him when he manages to grab something he shouldn't play with. However, he also likes to reach up and grab a hunk of flesh and squeeze as hard as he can with his talons. This happens to other children, for older kids it serves the little shits right, but for kids his age we have to really watch him. At what age do we say, "Hey kid, try not to wolverine it up.".

Agraza · Oct 16, 2015

Never. Raise him 100% wolverine. Teach him all he needs to know to survive the zombie apocalypse. Get a bumper sticker (or brand in your case) that says "My kid can kick your kid's ass."

hodj · Oct 16, 2015

Tuco_sl said:
Hodj, as someone who has no shared experience with you I'd say you should meet all your blood relatives you can. You don't owe them anything, but you owe it to yourself to see the people whose DNA you share.

That's how I feel generally, its just kinda a weird situation because I don't feel like my birth father has been entirely honest with me. For instance, I was talking to him last night about it and he says something along the lines of "There are things you will want to know before visiting" and I'm like "Just go ahead and fill me in so I can make a proper decision" and he responds along the lines of "We'll talk about it tomorrow or this weekend" in an attempt to sort of dodge the issue, imo.

There's definitely some weird vibes that come out of interacting with him whenever the subject of the broader family comes up. He's got a lot he wants to hide, or avoid dealing with.

When I first met him last year, he started trying to throw money at me and my wife and the kids, and I cut that shit off at the pass. He may feel guilty, or whatever, but he's not buying his way into my life. Some people, pragmatically, would argue I should take everything he's willing to give financially, but I couldn't do it because he's the type of person that seems to be used to waving money around and making all his problems disappear. I also don't want to feel like I'm exploiting him. I just want a real, honest, relationship with my actual parents, because frankly, my adoped mother was a tyrant, and my adopted father is a great guy, but a total push over and milquetoast as hell, and I've never had the type of relationship with them as a result that I would have wanted (my adopted mother died in 2012).

I like my birth father as a person, but there's a lot of thinly covered up history there that he always comes across as doing his best to keep buried, but he's just not that good at it, frankly.

Adebisi · Oct 16, 2015

Last night I told my son that if he didn't stay in bed "the Babadook would get him".

Got in trouble from the wife for that one.

Yeah yeah I know, kids don't need their parents filing their heads with scary creatures. They do that just fine on their own.

Arative · Oct 16, 2015

Tuco_sl said:
Re: Discipline, what age is the right age to tell a kid no?

My kid is starting to crawl and likes to get into all the things, but it's pretty easy to baby proof our house (because we don't have a bunch of clutter he can get into), so I don't try to scold him when he manages to grab something he shouldn't play with. However, he also likes to reach up and grab a hunk of flesh and squeeze as hard as he can with his talons. This happens to other children, for older kids it serves the little shits right, but for kids his age we have to really watch him. At what age do we say, "Hey kid, try not to wolverine it up.".

My kid started getting into stuff, like playing with an electrical outlet that we had one of those baby proof covers on at around 10 months, we told him No then and he stopped. We haven't stopped saying No since then.

Noodleface · Oct 16, 2015

I don't know what age kids start to crawl but I have a feeling it's imminent with us. He's already lifting his torso up and lifting his ass up independently, moving his legs in the crawling motion, "dragging" his playmat to try to move, and he can spin 360 degrees pretty easily.

Cad · Oct 16, 2015

Tuco_sl said:
Re: Discipline, what age is the right age to tell a kid no?

Not trying to be sarcastic, but when they start doing things they shouldn't.

radditsu · Oct 16, 2015

Barraco Bisi_sl said:
Last night I told my son that if he didn't stay in bed "the Babadook would get him".

Got in trouble from the wife for that one.

Yeah yeah I know, kids don't need their parents filing their heads with scary creatures. They do that just fine on their own.

Every time my son brings up a monster I just ask him what does the monster eat. It's usually grass or fruit snacks or peanut butter. Then I just tell him "what does he want with you then? He will just eat that!" That usually diffuses the situation.

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