Terrible Jokes Thread
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Guest, it's time once again for the massively important and exciting FoH Asshat Tournament!
Go here and give us your nominations!Who's been the biggest Asshat in the last year? Give us your worst ones!
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A U.S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans rowing towards Texas.
The Captain gets on the megaphone and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"
One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, "Gringo, we are invading the United States of America to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800's."
The entire crew on the destroyer doubles over in laughter. The Captain finally catches his breath, gets back on the megaphone and asks, " Just the four of you?"
The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No senor, we are the last four. The other 21 million are already there."
The Captain gets on the megaphone and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"
One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, "Gringo, we are invading the United States of America to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800's."
The entire crew on the destroyer doubles over in laughter. The Captain finally catches his breath, gets back on the megaphone and asks, " Just the four of you?"
The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No senor, we are the last four. The other 21 million are already there."
Dacianprick King In The North
Trakanon Raider
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Araxen
Golden Baronet of the Realm
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A rich guy and a poor guy both have wives with upcoming birthdays ...
The rich guy says: "I'm going to get my wife a Porsche and a diamond ring for her birthday."
Poor guy:"But why?"
The rich guy responds: "Well, if she doesn't like the diamond ring, she can just drive down to the jeweler's and return it. So what are you going to get YOUR wife for her birthday?".
Poor guy: "That's easy, a pair of slippers and a dildo."
Rich guy: "But why?"
Poor guy: "If she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself!"
The rich guy says: "I'm going to get my wife a Porsche and a diamond ring for her birthday."
Poor guy:"But why?"
The rich guy responds: "Well, if she doesn't like the diamond ring, she can just drive down to the jeweler's and return it. So what are you going to get YOUR wife for her birthday?".
Poor guy: "That's easy, a pair of slippers and a dildo."
Rich guy: "But why?"
Poor guy: "If she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself!"
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A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband 's temper.
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick".
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick".
Araxen
Golden Baronet of the Realm
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A few minutes before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY... for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope."
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for the last 48 years!!..
Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY... for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope."
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for the last 48 years!!..
Hoss
Make America's Team Great Again
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White guy walks into a mexican bookstore and asks, "Do you have the spanish version of that book by donald trump about his ideas on immigration?"
The store owner comes out from behind the counter and says "Fuck you! Get out and stay out!"
Guy goes, "Yeah, that sounds like the right one. Do you have it in paperback?"
The store owner comes out from behind the counter and says "Fuck you! Get out and stay out!"
Guy goes, "Yeah, that sounds like the right one. Do you have it in paperback?"
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A guy works a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."
He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."
The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He does the work of two men. We need him."
So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, "You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?"
The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So every Monday morning, I go over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, I'm fucking her."
The boss says, "You fuck your sister?"
The guy says, "Hey, I told you I was sick."
He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."
The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He does the work of two men. We need him."
So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, "You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?"
The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So every Monday morning, I go over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, I'm fucking her."
The boss says, "You fuck your sister?"
The guy says, "Hey, I told you I was sick."
Mudcrush Durtfeet
Hungry Ogre
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"I hear you have a drink that is guaranteed to be as good as an orgasm in my mouth or my money back, I'll have one of those."
The Barkeep mixes, stirs, shakes and pours and serves the young lady the drink.
The yound lady takes a sip and spits the drink on the floor.
"Ugh, this is horrible. It's tastes warm, salty, and slimy, I can't believe I put that in my mouth."
"That'll be $10" says the bartender.
The Barkeep mixes, stirs, shakes and pours and serves the young lady the drink.
The yound lady takes a sip and spits the drink on the floor.
"Ugh, this is horrible. It's tastes warm, salty, and slimy, I can't believe I put that in my mouth."
"That'll be $10" says the bartender.