Terrible Jokes Thread
- Thread starter Gravel
- Start date
- 15,796
- 99,180
A man is walking by a fruit stand and sees a sign for "Peanut Butter and Jelly flavoured Apples" so out of curiosity he asks the fruit vendor for a sample.
The man bites in to the Apple.
"Wow that tastes just like peanut butter, but you said it tastes like peanut butter AND jelly."
The vendor replies "Flip it around!" And sure enough the other side tasted like jelly.
The man now astonished by this apple, asks about any other flavors.
The vendor says, "Sure I do! I even have an apple that tastes just like pussy. Try it!"
The man bites into it. With an expression of pure disgust he spits it out.
"This tastes like shit!!"
The fruit vendor replies, "Flip it around!"
The man bites in to the Apple.
"Wow that tastes just like peanut butter, but you said it tastes like peanut butter AND jelly."
The vendor replies "Flip it around!" And sure enough the other side tasted like jelly.
The man now astonished by this apple, asks about any other flavors.
The vendor says, "Sure I do! I even have an apple that tastes just like pussy. Try it!"
The man bites into it. With an expression of pure disgust he spits it out.
"This tastes like shit!!"
The fruit vendor replies, "Flip it around!"
- 15,796
- 99,180
A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm, 'I'd like to buy a horth' he says to the owner of the farm. 'What sort of horse?' said the owner. 'A female horth' the dwarf replies. So the owner shows him a mare. 'Nithe horth.' says the dwarf, 'Can I thee her eyeth?' So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes. 'Nithe eyeth.', says the dwarf, 'Can I thee her teeth?' Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth. Nithe teeth.... Can I see her eerth?' the dwarf says. The owner is getting fed up but again picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears. 'Nithe eerth.' He says, 'Now...can I see her twot?' The owner, not sure if he heard correctly, replies 'Her what?' 'Twot, can I see her twot,' the dwarf says. The owner losing his patience picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and shoves his head deep inside the horse's vagina. He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.
The dwarf shakes his head and says: 'Perhaps I should weefwaze that. Can I see her wun awound?'
The dwarf shakes his head and says: 'Perhaps I should weefwaze that. Can I see her wun awound?'
- 15,796
- 99,180
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?" Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about". The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again and tell him if he doesn't answer I'll kill him!" The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?" Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about". The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again and tell him if he doesn't answer I'll kill him!" The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
Brahma
Obi-Bro Kenobi-X
- 12,152
- 43,440
Brahma
Obi-Bro Kenobi-X
- 12,152
- 43,440
Before Marriage:
Boy: Ah at last. I can hardly wait.
Girl: Do you want me to leave?
Boy: No don't even think about it.
Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Of Course. Always have and always will.
Girl: Have you ever cheated on me?
Boy: Never. Why are you even asking?
Girl: Will you kiss me?
Boy: Every chance I get.
Girl: Will you hit me?
Boy: Hell no. Are you crazy?
Girl: Can I trust you?
Boy: Yes.
Girl: Darling!
After Marriage: (Read from bottom to top)
Boy: Ah at last. I can hardly wait.
Girl: Do you want me to leave?
Boy: No don't even think about it.
Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Of Course. Always have and always will.
Girl: Have you ever cheated on me?
Boy: Never. Why are you even asking?
Girl: Will you kiss me?
Boy: Every chance I get.
Girl: Will you hit me?
Boy: Hell no. Are you crazy?
Girl: Can I trust you?
Boy: Yes.
Girl: Darling!
After Marriage: (Read from bottom to top)
Brahma
Obi-Bro Kenobi-X
- 12,152
- 43,440
Anant called home one afternoon to see what his wife was making for dinner.
"Hello?" said a little girl's voice.
"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," said Anant. "Is mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with uncle Frank." After a brief pause, Anant said, "But you don't have an Uncle Frank, honey!"
"Yes I do. He's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
"Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!"
A few minutes later, the little girl came back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?"
"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."
"Oh my god! What about Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that you took out all the water last week to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool, and now he's dead too."
There was a long pause, then Anant said, "Swimming pool? Is this 555-7039?"
"Hello?" said a little girl's voice.
"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," said Anant. "Is mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with uncle Frank." After a brief pause, Anant said, "But you don't have an Uncle Frank, honey!"
"Yes I do. He's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
"Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!"
A few minutes later, the little girl came back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?"
"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."
"Oh my god! What about Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that you took out all the water last week to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool, and now he's dead too."
There was a long pause, then Anant said, "Swimming pool? Is this 555-7039?"
- 15,796
- 99,180
So the Pope visits Queen Elizabeth II and she says : "Watch, Francis! With a wave of my hand, I can make every loyal subject go completely hysterical!" So she waves at the crowd and every loyal subject goes completely apeshit. So Francis tells her : "Well, Elizabeth, with a wave of my hand, I can give every Scotsman and Irishman eternal joy!" And she replies : "I'd like to see that!" .... So he slaps her.
- 15,796
- 99,180
The gynecologist had become fed up with his job and decided to change professions. One day after seeing an advertisment for an auto mechanic school on TV, he decided to sign up. The Dr studied very hard and gave it the same level of excelence as he did when practicing medicine.
The day of the final exam came. The Dr had to completely rebuild an engine, which he did in record time. When the grades were posted, he was surprised to see that he had achieved a score of 125%. Curious, he spoke to his teacher.
"I don't want to look a gift horse in the mouth or anything but how can I have gotten a score above 100%?" he asked.
"Well" said the instructor, 'You took the engine apart perfectly, that accounts for 50% of the grade, you put it back together flawlessly, that accounts for 50% or the grade. The extra 25% is because never in my career have I seen that all done through a four inch exaust pipe!"
The day of the final exam came. The Dr had to completely rebuild an engine, which he did in record time. When the grades were posted, he was surprised to see that he had achieved a score of 125%. Curious, he spoke to his teacher.
"I don't want to look a gift horse in the mouth or anything but how can I have gotten a score above 100%?" he asked.
"Well" said the instructor, 'You took the engine apart perfectly, that accounts for 50% of the grade, you put it back together flawlessly, that accounts for 50% or the grade. The extra 25% is because never in my career have I seen that all done through a four inch exaust pipe!"
- 15,796
- 99,180
Four college students were having a great time on spring break so they decide to spend an extra week away from class. One of the students calls his professor, and says "prof, we are stuck in Daytona beach. We won't be able to make it back in time for exams because the tire on our car blew. We need to get it fixed before we head back".
The prof says "no problem. Your safety comes first. Do what you need to, and when you get back the four of you can write the exam at that point".
So the students live it up for another week. Drinking. Partying. Etcetera.
When they get back to school a week later, the prof welcomes them, sits them each in different rooms, and hands them the exam.
When they turn the page over to start writing, they find their exams have only one question: "which tire?"
The prof says "no problem. Your safety comes first. Do what you need to, and when you get back the four of you can write the exam at that point".
So the students live it up for another week. Drinking. Partying. Etcetera.
When they get back to school a week later, the prof welcomes them, sits them each in different rooms, and hands them the exam.
When they turn the page over to start writing, they find their exams have only one question: "which tire?"
- 15,796
- 99,180
A guy goes to a brothel. "Bro, that last chick was hot but I'm still horny as fuck. What can I get with $3?
The Bothel Manager says: "Well, We can give you a Chimp."
Man takes the chimp into a room & gets down to business. Still unsatisfied, he goes back to the manager.
Man: "Hey man, the chimp was alright but I'm still horny as fuck. What can I get for a nickel?
Manager: "Well, we have a live peep show you can jack off too."
The man goes to a corridor where a bunch of dudes were looking thru peep holes. He looks into one and sees a beautiful woman fucking a dog.
Man: "Holy crap. This is insane!" Another guy next to him said: " No man, this is nothing. Just awhile ago, we saw this dude fucking a chimp!"
The Bothel Manager says: "Well, We can give you a Chimp."
Man takes the chimp into a room & gets down to business. Still unsatisfied, he goes back to the manager.
Man: "Hey man, the chimp was alright but I'm still horny as fuck. What can I get for a nickel?
Manager: "Well, we have a live peep show you can jack off too."
The man goes to a corridor where a bunch of dudes were looking thru peep holes. He looks into one and sees a beautiful woman fucking a dog.
Man: "Holy crap. This is insane!" Another guy next to him said: " No man, this is nothing. Just awhile ago, we saw this dude fucking a chimp!"
- 5,453
- 12,339
Anna realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.
Her mom calmly said: "That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair." the girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister: "My monkey has grown hair."
Her sister smiled and said: "That's nothing, mine is already eating bananas."
Her mom calmly said: "That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair." the girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister: "My monkey has grown hair."
Her sister smiled and said: "That's nothing, mine is already eating bananas."