Terrible Jokes Thread

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Gnomedolf

Gnomedolf

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John can't take it anymore, so he decided to leave city life behind and head for the hills.

He's happy as months go by. One day, a large, gruff looking hillbilly type man knocks on his door. "The name is Lars" he said. "I'm having a party tonight... wanna come?"
John: "well... I've been alone for months now, I like it but I do get lonely... Sure, I'll come"
Lars: nod. "Just to warn ya, these parties usually involve drinking"
John: "don't worry about me, I can hold my liquor"
Lars: "might be some drugs too"
John: "well I may not partake, but no judgement on anyone who does"
Lars: "usually a bit of fighting as well"
John: "I'm pretty easy going... and if I have to I can take care of myself"
Lars: "I've also seen some pretty nasty sex going on at these parties..."
John: "after several months, that actually sounds pretty awesome!"
Lars: nods turns to leave.
John: "hey, before you go, what should I wear? Casual? Semi-formal?"
Lars: "don't matter... just gonna be the two of us"
 
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Rezz

Rezz

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I'd heard a similar version something like 20 years ago.

Guy is on vacation in Australia, heads to a bar and starts drinking. Local comes up to him and seems friendly enough, says "Mate you doing anything after this place closes down?" Vacationing guy says he is not as far as he knows. "Great! There's going to be a party at my place. There'll be plenty of eatin', drinkin', fuckin', and fightin'!" Vacationing guy asks if he should go home and change. "Oh no worries mate, it'll just be you an' me."
 
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Gnomedolf

Gnomedolf

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An eighty-year-old man goes into a brothel and picks out a young pretty woman, they go up to her room, strip down and climb into bed. The old man performs like a teenager, the prostitute is amazed at how energetic and agile he is, she tells him if he can do it like that again, she'll give him one for free. He says "Yeah, I can, but I need to take a 20 minute nap, and while I'm asleep, I need you to hold my old pecker.". She agrees, he wakes up 20 minutes later and goes at it again, just as vigorously as before. The girl is amazed at the old man's stamina, and repeats her freebie offer, the old man tells her that once again, he'll need a 20 minute nap and she'll have to hold his cock while he's asleep; she does as he asks, he wakes up 20 minutes later and goes at it again, with even more enthusiasm than previously.
The hooker catches her breath, and needing to satisfy her curiosity, asks the old man "I can understand why you need the nap, but why do I have to hold your dick while you're sleeping?" The old man replies "Oh, that's just so you don't steal my wallet."
 
kazjim

kazjim

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A geneticist was working late one night, secretly perfecting his greatest project: a perfect clone of himself; an utter copy with no noticeable differences in personality or appearance. Having finished his work, the geneticist took off for Maui and sent his clone to work. Within days, reports came back from his friends in the know of bizarre behaviour from his doppelganger. The duplicate had cussed out the boss and his receptionist, groped all members of the research team male and female, used the Xerox to copy his genitalia--sending the results to all the company's affiliates--and concluded all handshakes by forcibly pressing the other's hand against the general area of his nipple, then simulating canine-fashion copulation while saying "nice to -meat- ya!" The geneticist was terrified, and took the next plane back to the States. He confronted the clone in their twentieth story office, and braving a three minute uninterrupted litany of expletives, pushed the unreasonable double out the window, where he fell to his death.

The police arrived, and once the situation was explained, the geneticist laughed, disbelieving any statute covered the destruction of one's genetic clone. After interviewing all concerned parties, the geneticist was arrested. The charge?

Making an obscene clone fall
 
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Hoss

Hoss

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I like my women like I like my Scotch

12 years old and mixed up with coke
 
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Borzak

Borzak

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Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon?

It sucks, no atmosphere.
 
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Mr_Bungle

Mr_Bungle

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what is the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant women?


You can unscrew a lightbulb
 
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Kiroy

Kiroy

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Guy walks into a zoo and it's got only one fucking dog and that's it. Turns out it was a Shih Tzu.
 
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BoozeCube

BoozeCube

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b886985b0595ad8e5d50b57fb2edcdd15b4cbbec883851f1b0d89cb44b7285ef.jpg


b886985b0595ad8e5d50b57fb2edcdd15b4cbbec883851f1b0d89cb44b7285ef.jpg
 
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Borzak

Borzak

Bronze Baron of the Realm
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What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.
 
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Indyocracy

Indyocracy

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So there are these two muffins sitting in an oven. The first muffin turns to the second muffin and says "boy it sure is hot in here" the second muffin turns to the first with a look of shock "Holy shit a talking muffin!"
 
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Erronius

Erronius

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Exchanging Tyen, Req and Trexx for Draegan and Rerolled.



No, really, that's the joke.
 
Rezz

Rezz

Mr. Poopybutthole
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I am not amused =|


So a jew, a rabbi, and a catholic priest walk into a bar.

The bartender looks at them and says "is this a joke?"
 
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