Terrible Jokes Thread

A woman who lived next door to a preacher was puzzled by his personality change.At home he was shy, quiet and retiring, but in the church he was a real fire orator, rousing the masses in the name of God. It was as if he were two different people.

One day she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him when he preached.


“Ah,” he said, “That’s my altar ego.”

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.



A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Newfy sausage?"

The shop assistant asks, "Are you from Newfoundland ?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something,

"If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?



Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"



The shop assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Newfy sausage,

why did you ask me if I'm from Newfoundland ?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Hardware."

Donald Trump walks into a bank to cash a check. As he approaches the
cashier he says, "Good morning, Ma'am, could you please cash this check
for me?”
Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your
ID?”
Trump: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think
there was any need to. I am Donald Trump, the President of the United
States of America!!!!”
Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations
and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and
requirements of the banking legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID.

Trump: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell
you. Everybody knows who I am.”
Cashier: "I am sorry, Mr. Trump, but these are the bank rules and I
must follow them.”
Trump: "My goodness. I am urging you, please, to cash this cheque.”
Cashier: "Look Mr. Trump , here is an example of what we can do. One
day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger
Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank
into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his
check.
Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his
tennis racket and made a fabulous shot; the tennis ball landed in my
coffee cup. With that shot we cashed his check.
So, Mr. Trump, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you?”
Trump stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, "Honestly, my
mind is a total blank, I have absolutely no idea what to do, I don't have
a clue.”
Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. Trump.”

An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese fellow were hired at a construction site.
The foreman pointed out a huge pile of sand and told the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Scotsman he said, "You're in charge of shoveling."
And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then said, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."
The foreman went away for a of couple hours, and, when he returned, the pile of sand was untouched.
He asked the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replied, "I no hava no broom. You said to the Chinese fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."
Then the foreman turned to the Scotsman and said, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile." The Scotsman replied, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either."
The foreman was really angry by now and stormed off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy.
Just then, the Chinese guy jumped out from behind the pile of sand and yelled... "SUPPLIES!!"

When is a door not a door?

When it's ajar!

"Dad, did you get a haircut?" "No, I got them all cut!"

"Dad, can you put my shoes on?" "No, I don't think they'll fit me."

"What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows."

"Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot."

What did the 2 tampons say to each other walking down the street?

Nothing, they were stuck up cunts....

Medical definition of Guts vs. Balls​

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We have all heard of people having Guts or having Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Fatty.'
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome.
Both are fatal.