It's no surprise why soccer isn't more popular here right now. We need a top tier league that makes sense to us. Americans aren't going to tune into the Premier League and arbitrarily choose a team to root for from a list of teams that to us sounds like is from fucking Narnia or the Harry Potter universe.
You don't choose arbitrarily as there is really only a handful of options unless you want to root for a team that really has no chance to win anything. Not to say that rooting for Swansea or Hull City is bad, but unless you're from those areas I would think it's a bit sadistic. So for any American bandwagoner and as I fellow one myself here are your options with my brief opinion of each one:
Arsenal - Called the Gunners, have a pretty good history of winning throughout their existence and play a nice offensive brand of football though they've only won 1 trophy in the last 8 years. They're owned by Stan Kroenke, an American, who supports the managers plan to never spend money on any player unless they have no other choice. He's considered a genius by some though and therefore gets away with it even though his most successful team wasn't built that way. Located in London, they play at the Emirates which is a big plastic bowl, main rival is Spurs. Best players are Mesut Ozil, Aaron Ramsey, and Santi Cazorla
Chelsea - Called the Blues, they had no history of winning anything until Roman Abramovich bought them and turned them into his personal play thing starting in 2002 with about $1bn spent to build a team of stars. Since then they've won the league twice and the champions league once. This is never good enough for Roman and he fires the manager on about a yearly basis. They're now managed by Jose Mourinho who doubles as the most successful manager in the world while probably being the most hated as well, he may have the early onset of Alzheimer's with his paranoia which makes sense as he's probably about to be fired this year as well. They're located in London and play at Stamford Bridge with their main rival being Arsenal and their best player is Eden Hazard though Mourinho is trying to coach any offensive tendencies out of him.
Everton - Called the Toffees, they have a long history of being 2nd best to Liverpool in everything. Their current owner is Bill Kenwright who made his money as a theatre and play producer and scrounges for pennies every year just to pay the bills. They're currently coached by Roberto Martinez who's thought of as a young and bright coach on his way up, unfortunately for Everton he'll be moving on to better pastures next year. They are located in Liverpool, their home stadium is a wood barn called Goodison which is seperated by about a mile from Anfield and their biggest rival is Liverpool. Their best player is Tim Howard as Ross Barkley will be sold to Manchester United before he ever realizes his potential.
Liverpool - Have no nickname, they are the 2nd most successful team in England behind Manchester United as they haven't won a league title since 1989. They're currently owned by Fenway Sports Group who own the Boston Red Sox, this is actually somewhat fitting as Boston and Liverpool share a lot of similarities. FSG is currently trying to turn around the club which were almost bankrupted by the previous American owners, Tom Hicks and George Gillette. Currently led by Brendan Rodgers who most feel is one of the best young coaches in the world, he has the team play a very attacking style of football with a young and improving team. The team is located in Liverpool which is 20 miles from Manchester in the Northwest of England, they play at Anfied which is about to be expanded and their main rival is Manchester United. Their best player is Luis Suarez who when not biting people is trying to transfer to Spain to play for Barcelona or Real Madrid.
Manchester City - Called the citizens, they were good in the 1960's, then sucked until bought by the Royal family of Abu Dhabi about 7 years ago. They now use their various state and affiliated entities to funnel money to the club to circumvent fair play restrictions which didn't exist when Abramovich bought Chelsea. They're the richest club in the world and can buy basically any player they want. They've won 2 out of the last 3 league titles and want to eventually have worldwide soccer dominance through their affiliated clubs NYCFC and some Australian shithole team. They're located in Manchester which is in Northwest England and play at the Etihad which they can't fill even as champions, their biggest rival is Manchester United and they're team is awesome but mostly highly paid mercenaries with their best players being Yaya Toure and Sergio Aguero.
Manchester United - Called the Red Devils, the most successful team in England, they're currently owned by the Glazer family who are Americans and own the Buccaneers. The teams fans hate the owners though as they bought them at the height of the financial boom via a leveraged buyout where they didn't spend any of their own money and just heaped debt on the club which was debt free at that point but now own 300m pounds which is down from 700m. This has restricted their spending on players to a large degree as the debt payments have taken up a huge yearly chunk of their budget. Even with that said they've still won the league 7 times since 2000. Their legendary coach, Sir Alex Ferguson, just retired last year and the team just had it's worse finish since 1989. They're located in Manchester, play in the largest club stadium in England which is Old Trafford and their biggest rival is Liverpool. Their best player is Wayne Rooney and Adnan Januzaj, lololol.
Tottenham Hotspur - Called the Spurs, they haven't won a cup in 30 years or the league in almost 60 but you wouldn't know it by the way the club and fans act. The team is owned Joe Lewis who is a Brit billionaire and is run by Daniel Levy who is actually Doctor Evil in disguise. Every year the team sells its best player in the thought that they can then re-invest that money in the squad to make it better as a whole and then compete for titles, unfortunately for Spurs that never seems to work and now this year there is no one even good enough to sell. They just hired Mauricio Pochettino to coach the team which is a shame as the previous coach, Tim Sherwood, seemed to really have something about him. The team is located in London, they play at White Hart Lane and their biggest rival is Arsenal. They have no good players worth mentioning.
