Dating

ShakyJake · Friday at 8:57 PM

I occasionally read this thread out of curiosity. I'm the same age as Chuck, but I have absolutely no desire to get involved with anyone. Having all my time and money to myself is pure bliss. I can't fathom why you guys would want to subject yourselves to the pain and suffering. Truly, I rarely see anyone in a relationship who is actually happy. Most seem miserable, constantly stressing over some nonsense.

Captain Suave · Friday at 9:07 PM

ShakyJake said:
I can't fathom why you guys would want to subject yourselves to the pain and suffering. I rarely see anyone in a relationship who is actually happy. Most seem miserable, constantly stressing over some nonsense.

In my experience the happy people are off minding their own business being happy. There are plenty of us. There's a massive negative information bias because people with bad experiences complain loudly and publicly. Personally, getting married was the best thing I ever did for myself. I'm happier still after almost 20 years than I ever was previously. I've got a stable, fulfilling life partnership that makes me the best verison of myself. You couldn't pay me to go back to being single. That guy didn't know what he was missing.

Armadon · Friday at 9:24 PM

ShakyJake said:
I occasionally read this thread out of curiosity. I'm the same age as Chuck, but I have absolutely no desire to get involved with anyone. Having all my time and money to myself is pure bliss. I can't fathom why you guys would want to subject yourselves to the pain and suffering. Truly, I rarely see anyone in a relationship who is actually happy. Most seem miserable, constantly stressing over some nonsense.

Yeah I'm with you on this. I mean I love travelling by myself and everything. I have a friend that's like Chuk though and he's just desperate to be with someone and he's already been divorced so I don't get it. I think there is pros and cons to everything so for married people the pros outweigh the cons and vice versa for people that want to be single. Too each their own.

ShakyJake · Friday at 9:42 PM

Captain Suave said:
In my experience the happy people are off minding their own business being happy. There are plenty of us. There's a massive negative information bias because people with bad experiences complain loudly and publicly. Personally, getting married was the best thing I ever did for myself. I'm happier still after almost 20 years than I ever was previously. I've got a stable, fulfilling life partnership that makes me the best verison of myself. You couldn't pay me to go back to being single. That guy didn't know what he was missing.

I think you might be very lucky, or you have a personality that helped you meet many women until you found the right one. I'm highly introverted, so I never had many women in my life. As a result, when someone finally shows interest, you end up settling, even if they aren't truly compatible, leading to eventual unhappiness. Because of this, I've embraced living solo and have found happiness in it.

Captain Suave · Friday at 9:45 PM

ShakyJake said:
I think you might be very lucky

Maybe. I don't have a basis for comparison.

ShakyJake said:
or you have a personality that helped you meet many women until you found the right one.

Definitely not this.

ShakyJake said:
I'm highly introverted, so I never had many women in my life.

I'm as introverted a guy as you'll ever meet. I barely dated at all until meeting my wife through a shared hobby.

ShakyJake said:
As a result, when someone finally shows interest, you end up settling, even if they aren't truly compatible, leading to eventual unhappiness.

I'd never recommend anyone settle. I don't think I did. I was prepared to go solo. Don't commit unless you have no doubts. But at the same time, writing off relationships preemptively closes the door on a potentially very good outcome.

Haus · Friday at 11:36 PM

ShakyJake said:
I occasionally read this thread out of curiosity. I'm the same age as Chuck, but I have absolutely no desire to get involved with anyone. Having all my time and money to myself is pure bliss. I can't fathom why you guys would want to subject yourselves to the pain and suffering. Truly, I rarely see anyone in a relationship who is actually happy. Most seem miserable, constantly stressing over some nonsense.

There are reasons... Starting with companionship (If you don't feel any need for that I don't know how to even interpret that since it's denying some of the most basic human instinctual drives)... For me, I love the pets we have, but I simply sleep far better at night knowing I am sleeping next to a woman who loves me, and I love her.

But from a near sociopathic perspective there is the fact that as you get older, you're going to need someone around you can rely on to have your best interests at heart. In most cases that means either a spouse, kids (who it probably took a spouse at some point to make), or the latently homosexual "lifelong bachelor buddy" you just never came out for.

ShakyJake · Saturday at 10:10 AM

Haus said:
There are reasons... Starting with companionship (If you don't feel any need for that I don't know how to even interpret that since it's denying some of the most basic human instinctual drives)... For me, I love the pets we have, but I simply sleep far better at night knowing I am sleeping next to a woman who loves me, and I love her.

But from a near sociopathic perspective there is the fact that as you get older, you're going to need someone around you can rely on to have your best interests at heart. In most cases that means either a spouse, kids (who it probably took a spouse at some point to make), or the latently homosexual "lifelong bachelor buddy" you just never came out for.

I know I'm different from most people. I have no desire for a companion, whether human or animal (I don't have any pets besides the backyard squirrels I feed).

The only thing that concerns me is getting old. Honestly, though, aging can make you a burden on loved ones, and it’s tough to put them through that. Hopefully, when the time comes, I’ll have enough money to hire professional care. Or, if I’m really lucky, AI will have discovered anti-aging solutions by then.

My point is that some people feel pressured to always be with someone. Be happy with yourself, and don't settle just because you feel compelled to be in a relationship.

Haus · Saturday at 10:18 AM

ShakyJake said:
My point is that some people feel pressured to always be with someone. Be happy with yourself, and don't settle just because you feel compelled to be in a relationship.

That's a very solid take on it. Like I said "learn to be OK with yourself first". You need that because you need the confidence to be in or walk from a relationship as a self protection mechanism.

For me, I was adopted and raised by my grandparents. They were married as teenagers and went the distance (grandfather passed in 97, grandmother in 2010) Grandmother never did anything romantically after my grandfather's passing and just focused on being the family matriarch. I grew up watching that, and I want that. And I honestly think I have a wife will be that kind of wife for me.

I dated to "absolute manwhore" levels in my 20's, racked up solid numbers, but for some reason had some fear that kept me from locking on in for marriage (had 3 really close calls, one I ran from, one cheated on me, one went crazy..) Met my wife in my early 30's, so got a late start on it all but it felt right with her pretty much from the first date.

But back on the thread topic that reminds me one of the key things I learned which changed the whole dynamic for me when dating. Be brutally honest up front about "we're just dating until we decide to be exclusive, when you're ready to have that talk let me know, I'll do the same". It was astounding how once I made that a clear ground rule women seemed to start taking dating me more seriously as they realized there was progression to be had, but I wasn't just handing it out. Something about "You value something based on what it costs you to get it".

Cad · Saturday at 9:25 PM

ShakyJake said:
I occasionally read this thread out of curiosity. I'm the same age as Chuck, but I have absolutely no desire to get involved with anyone. Having all my time and money to myself is pure bliss. I can't fathom why you guys would want to subject yourselves to the pain and suffering. Truly, I rarely see anyone in a relationship who is actually happy. Most seem miserable, constantly stressing over some nonsense.

My wife is my best friend and we are basically always together. We both mostly work at home, go to the gym together, grocery shop together, etc.

We have a lot of joint friends as well (there's no her friends and my friends) and go out with friends a lot, but basically we are always together. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Not saying our way is for everybody but when you find that right person it is great. I'm a couple years younger than Chuk but not much.

Arden · Saturday at 9:59 PM

ShakyJake said:
I know I'm different from most people. I have no desire for a companion, whether human or animal (I don't have any pets besides the backyard squirrels I feed).

The only thing that concerns me is getting old. Honestly, though, aging can make you a burden on loved ones, and it’s tough to put them through that. Hopefully, when the time comes, I’ll have enough money to hire professional care. Or, if I’m really lucky, AI will have discovered anti-aging solutions by then.

My point is that some people feel pressured to always be with someone. Be happy with yourself, and don't settle just because you feel compelled to be in a relationship.

Don't fool yourself. Money will never take the place of loved ones when it comes to taking care of you when you are old/infirm/ill. I investigated claims of elder abuse for many years. If you don't have someone young, energetic, and loyal to either take care of you or fight for you, people will 100% take advantage of you. They'll set you up in a little room in a basement and do just enough to keep you alive, while cashing your checks every month. And don't think dying will get you out of it. You're worth nothing dead, so trust me, they will keep you alive as long as possible.

Think that sounds bleak? Well it fucking is. Getting old is really fucking bleak. Getting old and not having someone who loves you around to help take care of you is a fucking nightmare.

ShakyJake · Sunday at 5:55 PM

Arden said:
Don't fool yourself. Money will never take the place of loved ones when it comes to taking care of you when you are old/infirm/ill. I investigated claims of elder abuse for many years. If you don't have someone young, energetic, and loyal to either take care of you or fight for you, people will 100% take advantage of you. They'll set you up in a little room in a basement and do just enough to keep you alive, while cashing your checks every month. And don't think dying will get you out of it. You're worth nothing dead, so trust me, they will keep you alive as long as possible.

Think that sounds bleak? Well it fucking is. Getting old is really fucking bleak. Getting old and not having someone who loves you around to help take care of you is a fucking nightmare.

I totally get where you're coming from, but having a partner or kids doesn’t guarantee you won't end up neglected. I’ve seen this firsthand with my own family -- my grandma, my mom's sister, and my dad's sister all ended up in nursing homes where they just withered away. It's sad, but it goes to show that even when you have family, they might not be there for you in the way you hope. Sometimes, kids or spouses can't or won't take on that caregiving role, either because they’re too busy, they live far away, or they just don’t want to deal with it.

Honestly, the odds are pretty high that a lot of people, even those with families, could end up in a nursing home. It’s a harsh reality, but having kids or being married isn't a foolproof plan. People are more likely to look out for themselves in the end.

So, yeah, I enjoy my independence, and I'm not going to jeopardize this in the hopes that 1) I find a compatible partner, which, quite frankly, would be nigh impossible for me, and 2) suffer with an incompatible partner in hopes that someone will take care of me in the end.

TomServo · Sunday at 6:37 PM

Cad said:
My wife is my best friend and we are basically always together. We both mostly work at home, go to the gym together, grocery shop together, etc.

We have a lot of joint friends as well (there's no her friends and my friends) and go out with friends a lot, but basically we are always together. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Not saying our way is for everybody but when you find that right person it is great. I'm a couple years younger than Chuk but not much.

This is my life. Wife runs her own business I work in IT and we share an office all day. Go walking in morning together, cook and eat breakfast lunch and dinner together.

Spend all our time together. Just hit 15 years of marriage and never been happier.

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Dating

ShakyJake

Captain Suave

Caesar si viveret, ad remum dareris.

Armadon

ShakyJake

Captain Suave

Caesar si viveret, ad remum dareris.

Haus

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Cad

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Arden

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