Girls who broke your heart thread

7 years and you haven"t popped the question! Maybe her BIOLOGICAL CLOCK IS TICKING!!!

Yeah I don"t know why this thread has decided the "party phase" is the ultimate trump to everything. It"s a cop out and if you handle your girl correctly you can circumvent this. Not to mention not every girl has this massive desire to be a bar dancing skank latent inside of her. It"s very amateur advice you need to look at your own actions for what drove her to do what she does.

I have come to the conclusion that the Party Phase is just a woman"s way of coping with the loss. Just because she left, it doesnt mean she still isnt hurting.

One of my final conversations with my ex was both of us pointing the blame. She told me that had I been her friend, had I paid attention to her... Had I been there for her, she would have never fallen out of love with me. She said I only wanted to "fix" things after the dmg had been completely done.

I never saw what I was doing wrong until after my divorce. Im guessing you probably wont either (your separation). Sorry to hear that you are going through this. It"s a harsh life lesson.

I"ve actually always avoided heavy alcohol consumption in the immediate aftermath of a relationship. Because that shit just ends up leading either to me crying to a friend about how sad I am, an STD from a random, or a kid I didn"t know about a couple years down the road. None of which are very good options. I"ve always hated those jackasses that every time they get drunk, end up whining about how hard their life is. I"m the opposite. I like strobing on mushrooms, reflecting on how minor that last girl was in the grand scheme of things and how awesome my life is.

First, drinking yourself into a coma is a terrible way to "get over" an ex. If you"re still upset about it, you really shouldn"t be drinking at all. It masks the unhappiness with a substance. That leads to a habit. You know when moms give their kids ice cream and snacks when they had a bad day to cheer them up, then they immediately turn to food as adults as a result and get fat? Same thing with booze.

Self-medicating with substances is a good way to not move on with your life and develop a drinking problem.

brekk said:

I never said anything about party phase related to them getting together at 18.

It"s the same concern I have right now with my 23 yr old sister being engaged. She"s been with her fiancee for 4ish years, but he"s the only guy she"s ever dated. I"m not worried about her still needing her party phase, I"m worried about her still needing to figure out what she wants, and until you date more than one person most people do not know what that is. Some times they will stay with what they know because its comfortable, and they are afraid of being alone.

This sounds more like that, 18 to 25 is a huge change in maturity, wants, needs, priorities.

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Brekk is more on target. There may be a "party phase" for some people, but it"s being talked about like it"s a necessary part of development: infancy, potty training, adolescence, getting totally ripped every night, marriage, children...

The issue is that she was 18 when they started dating, and now she"s 25. She didn"t necessarily miss out of "party phase," she missed out on "being young and free" phase. No matter how good a relationship is, it is restrictive. Just like a job or kids are restrictive. You can"t up and go to Africa for no reason tomorrow if you are in a long term relationship. And, like it or not, you miss out on some experiences by being in a long term relationship. You get comfortable, you"re not motivated to go out this Friday night quite as much, you aren"t motivated to meet other people quite as much. And when you go from 18-25 in one long term relationship, I can totally see wanting to break all your ties and face the uncertainties of life. It"s exciting.

It"s shitty for The Muse for sure. But I kinda empathize with the chick in this case. I"m probably a bit biased because I"m sorta like that, I have broken ties with people to go off and do my own things. It"s not that things are bad and you have to change it. But when you look at your life now, and what your future life will be, sometimes it"s not that appealing or exciting. OK, I have this girlfriend of x years, and this career path...in 10 years we"ll be married, I"ll be in y position at my job and we"ll have 2 kids. Doesn"t sound so bad, but when you"re young, that can sound REALLY boring. Yea, I want that eventually, but do I really want to cut out all other possibilities right now for that? No, I have al the time in the world to start a family and a career. There"s so many different things to experience on my own, and I want to do that right now. That has been my thought process in the past, and I"d guess in this case hers as well.

Just be happy she maybe had the foresight to see it now instead of at age 40 when you are married with 3 kids and she goes off and fucks an outlaw biker.

A small update. I"m at my parents tonight and at a friends for the weekend. I walked back in to the apartment and had a breakdown. It was too much to see our place like that. I grabbed what I needed and couldn"t stay a second longer.

I have heard some evidence that her friends geared her to do things in the way she did. I totally believe it because it is not really something she would do without approval and help. One friend is moving back to her mom"s and the other has issues and is a very in your face person who is always quick to act in her own life and is very bossy. I"m not going to say they pioneered literally everything, but really it really felt that she was partly along for the ride.

I have resisted the urge to call her. I have a lot of things I want to tell her. I actually called her once because I couldn"t find my work phone and she didn"t answer. I texted and she responded. My optimism is fluctuating. I"m going to hold out as long as I can and give her space.

Ultimately I want to suggest things like couples therapy which is something neither of us ever considered before. It will be really easy to tell if she is in to it by showing her I care enough to make changes and do something official. If she doesn"t want anything to do with it then I"ll get a little more closure on where she is at.

Her parents live literally 5min away (she moved back home). We have all the same friends so we are going to interact at some point one way or the other. I"ll update when that happens.

The Muze said:

She is in a weird spot where she is in huge debt, having trouble staying motivated for work or school. That combined with the daily grind and falling in to a repetative routine was enough for her to pull the trigger.

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Sounds like she might have been depressed for a while now.
Happy people don"t need any motivation to wake up to go to work and school. It"s honestly sounds like a train wreck waiting to happen. Her ending the relationship sounds like a symptom of the problem, not the problem itself.

Chances are, this change may make her happy for a while, but ultimately you can"t find happiness from external sources, debt is a symptom of trying to find happiness from an external source (buying stuff you can"t afford). If that"s what she"s trying to do in her relationship as well it"s going to end badly.



Sounds like you may be hurting now.... she may be hurting for the next 5 years.

If she"s been together with you since she was 18, it"s very well possible that she WAS deriving all of her pleasure in life living with you. If she doesn"t figure out what makes "her" happy - alone - as a person, she can"t figure out what"ll make herself happy in a relationship.

The Muze said:

I have heard some evidence that her friends geared her to do things in the way she did. I totally believe it because it is not really something she would do without approval and help. One friend is moving back to her mom"s and the other has issues and is a very in your face person who is always quick to act in her own life and is very bossy. I"m not going to say they pioneered literally everything, but really it really felt that she was partly along for the ride.

...

Her parents live literally 5min away (she moved back home). We have all the same friends so we are going to interact at some point one way or the other. I"ll update when that happens.

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Her friends don"t sound like people I"d want around me. Just saying. So if you have the same friends, kill two birds with one stone and get some new, non-retarded friends.

I"m posting this mostly for entertainment/venting purposes, and maybe some feedback if it turns out everyone says I"m insane. I got into sorta a fight today with my girlfriend over something pretty trivial. I mentioned before she was apprehensive about me seeing her apartment. At one point, and this was a couple months ago, I was quite confused about it, and she said "ok, Oct 31 we will go to my apartment." It seemed kinda silly to set a date, and I didn"t know why, but I said ok.

To cut out irrelevant details, I was patient and never made a big deal about it, but obviously it"s a big deal to her. Why? No effing clue. Well it"s mid-November now and the situation has never come up where I have wanted or needed to go to her apartment until today, so I never cared.

Well today a situation came up where going to her apartment was the best option, by far. But, she resisted strongly. I pointed out that she had said that after Halloween she wouldn"t care anymore about me seeing it. Well she ignored this point and just said "next time, next time, etc." At this point, it bothered me because she was SO strongly against it but never offered any reason, in addition to going back on her word. Well, that"s bullshit to me. When we"ve been dating seriously for 3 months, you don"t get to do the "I want to do whatever is comfortable for me and not have to give any explanations" bullshit anymore. If she had given an explanation, almost any, I woulda dropped it. But she kept saying "no reason," and when I pointed out that *of course* she had a reason or else she wouldn"t resist so hard, she made up some other excuse. Well obviously there is a reason, and by making up excuses, and trying to pass them off as the real reason, she is flat out lying to me. So at this point it wasn"t about the apartment, it was about her trying to bullshit me. So I got pissed off and pushed it further, she locked up and stopped talking altogether, so I said ok if you don"t wanna go to my apt (it"s far) and we can"t go to yours for no reason, and you have no other suggestion and aren"t even talking, I"m going home. She was noticeably upset when I left.

Maybe I"m totally insane. But when we"re in a serious relationship you don"t get to just do whatever is comfortable and never explain your behavior. I can deal with that at the beginning, she wants to make a good impression and isn"t totally comfortable with me, I understand. But once we"re dating seriously, that shit has to go, asap. That"s perhaps my biggest pet peeve with women in general. They all do that shit.

Dabamf said:

That"s perhaps my biggest pet peeve with women in general. They all do that shit.

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Many women care so much about looks and appearances it"s disgusting. If it has truly happened as you say then I"m on your side.

Dabamf said:

I"m posting this mostly for entertainment/venting purposes, and maybe some feedback if it turns out everyone says I"m insane. I got into sorta a fight today with my girlfriend over something pretty trivial. I mentioned before she was apprehensive about me seeing her apartment. At one point, and this was a couple months ago, I was quite confused about it, and she said "ok, Oct 31 we will go to my apartment." It seemed kinda silly to set a date, and I didn"t know why, but I said ok.

To cut out irrelevant details, I was patient and never made a big deal about it, but obviously it"s a big deal to her. Why? No effing clue. Well it"s mid-November now and the situation has never come up where I have wanted or needed to go to her apartment until today, so I never cared.

Well today a situation came up where going to her apartment was the best option, by far. But, she resisted strongly. I pointed out that she had said that after Halloween she wouldn"t care anymore about me seeing it. Well she ignored this point and just said "next time, next time, etc." At this point, it bothered me because she was SO strongly against it but never offered any reason, in addition to going back on her word. Well, that"s bullshit to me. When we"ve been dating seriously for 3 months, you don"t get to do the "I want to do whatever is comfortable for me and not have to give any explanations" bullshit anymore. If she had given an explanation, almost any, I woulda dropped it. But she kept saying "no reason," and when I pointed out that *of course* she had a reason or else she wouldn"t resist so hard, she made up some other excuse. Well obviously there is a reason, and by making up excuses, and trying to pass them off as the real reason, she is flat out lying to me. So at this point it wasn"t about the apartment, it was about her trying to bullshit me. So I got pissed off and pushed it further, she locked up and stopped talking altogether, so I said ok if you don"t wanna go to my apt (it"s far) and we can"t go to yours for no reason, and you have no other suggestion and aren"t even talking, I"m going home. She was noticeably upset when I left.

Maybe I"m totally insane. But when we"re in a serious relationship you don"t get to just do whatever is comfortable and never explain your behavior. I can deal with that at the beginning, she wants to make a good impression and isn"t totally comfortable with me, I understand. But once we"re dating seriously, that shit has to go, asap. That"s perhaps my biggest pet peeve with women in general. They all do that shit.

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She either has a guy living with her, or she"s a serial killer.

It"s one or the other.