Girls who broke your heart thread

Goes triple for women, military women are as crazy as they get generally(/stereotype off).

And they know how to kill on top of it!

I wouldn"t date a chick from the military.

With that aside, both of these people are straight retards. I can see how a bunch of chicks can get around the campfire, hear this exact same story, and come to the conclusion it is all the man"s fault. Honestly it sounds like the dude was a shifty asshole to begin with and felt suffocated from his wife"s insecurity and jealousy.

Channeling my inner The Room but how was their sex life? I didn"t have the time to read all the story but I"d have to imagine he wasn"t getting it enough.

She said it was great, whether or not that"s true is something I don"t care to know, hehe.

Ravvenn said:

I don"t think they respect each other, they don"t trust each other, but do love each other.Love is never enough, ever. I have no idea how they will be able to make this work, I doubt they will. She will struggle to get over her trust issues and he will keep attention whoring when she shells up or spazzes out.

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It actually sounds like she doesn"t respect herself. Which turns little insecurities into HUGE trust issues, while at the same time preventing her from leaving because she can"t stand the thought of being alone, even for a little while.

Guys, while generally oblivious, are hunters, and can sense weakness in their prey. Believe it when I say that he senses her lack of self worth, and uses it, probably unconsciously.

I"ve noticed that a lot of military guys tend to pick wounded doves, because women like that are easy to break down and control emotionally. These are guys who don"t control a lot in their careers and lives; they are shipped all over at the whim of the brass, they have to suck up whatever gets thrown their way, and they have to salute the asshole pooping all over them. They assert themselves by picking up these damaged women, patching them up just enough to function, and then controlling them as a surrogate for all the other things they cannot.

I don"t have any suggestions, other than to suggest that "each other" is two words, not one

Ravvenn said:

Gryeyes,

I agree with a lot of your posts, believe it or not. But not your reply to me regarding insecurity and trust.

While my example was exaggerated, it"s true. Any open and honest female will admit to this. It doesn"t necessarily mean they"re fudged up, it means we are emotional little things and we need to keep control of that. By your own logic, I"d say with 100% certainty that everyone you dated had trust and security issues. ;p That"s silly!

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Its not the feelings themselves. Its the feelings having enough power to dictate your actions or to make you fixate on it, making it an "issue". If anything having a wide spectrum of emotional responses is healthy. Its when the negative insecure,jealous weird shit is actually impacting your overall mood, your actions the relationship. Or becomes a common thread in your perspective, doubt and mistrust is an automatic response to anything etc. This is also hardly a gender thing. If anything men are even worse at the base emotions intruding into the relationship.

I have never known a relationship where one party was jealous,insecure and did not trust the other partner to ever work. But more importantly you cannot pass your own issues (jealousy/insecurity) onto your man/woman like its their fault, its toxic.

And personally I place very high value in my emotions and instincts. If I notice a consistent uneasiness about anything or notice a bunch of strange emotions that I normally do not experience I will take that as some indication as something is not right.

Not all people that are insecure/distrustful/jealous are shady themselves. But I have never met a dishonest person that was not one or all of the above. Often we judge others by the standards of ourselves. Shady people cannot trust and assume everyone is like themselves. If I am with a chick that is simply incapable of trust it means either shes shady or regularly is involved with shady fucked up guys. Either way it means shes fucked up.

90% of military women are sluts or crazy or both. Good score if you find that 1/10.

Sorry. Really that"s not specific to the women.

Ravvenn said:

We CANNOT get mad when they dont notice the sparkling floors but do notice when they"re dirty. That"s what dudes do, we have to suck it up.

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Couldn"t disagree more with that ^.

That may be what a lot of guys do but don"t make excuses for us. You have every right to expect us to notice the little things that you do for us and the family. It"s a lot of work taking care of a home and guys, if raised right, should take notice of shit getting done and acknowledge that fact.

I used to get yelled at all the time when I was a teenager by my mom for not doing chores before having to be asked. Til it was drilled in my head even to this day. If you see something needs done like there are dirty dishes in the sink, there is a basket full of dirty laundry, the living room is a mess...you shouldn"t have to be told to do it. You should see that it needs done and just do it.

Same thing applies to recognizing the work that our partner does when it comes to things like that. You should see that the floor has been cleaned, or your laundry done, or the dishes washed, or meals cooked and fucking say thanks. Don"t get me wrong we"re not going to notice every single little thing that gets done but we should be noticing most of them. Otherwise you"re just coasting along taking the other person for granted in my view and that"s how resentment starts.

Oh, no doubt but it"s not a reason to fight over little details. Mine was always the planation shutters, it"s hard work cleaning them! If he"s working 15+ hours a day, he"s damn near blind when he gets home. I can"t get pissed if he doesn"t notice.

I touched base on this a couple weeks ago, the importance of saying "thanks" for all of the things you mentioned above.

It"s a thankless job sometimes being a mom / homemaker, but we all work here to make sure everyone feels appreciated. I"ve had a few issues with feeling like a maid, and it sucks. Once I said something, it was resolved. Wish I whined sooner!

That sounds better and you shouldn"t fight over the details, but I think if you can"t notice when someone cleans the floor you give up the right to bitch when its dirty (unless of course it was their mess). You"re right we"re not going to notice every single thing just like when we do things you"re not always going to notice. Your point is correct that you need to make them feel appreciated and vice versa.

I honestly pull away from friends when they start acting like total fucking idiots. I always try to give everyone some "be a retard for free" cards, but eventually they run out and empathy basically putsmein that stressful position, only I have no way to solve it because it isn"t me. My parents bickered and fought for years, and still did till about 1-2 years ago, 8 years after divorce, and I have no tolerance for it.

I"m amazed that you have the patience to call her daily and talk to her basically like she"s a child. Maybe that"s a woman thing, or maybe I"m just a shitty friend. I have a friend who is looking at a divorce after 2 months of marriage, a relationship that I knew was doomed without even MEETING her, just basing on stories. Now he"s probably gonna give her, a woman who is entirely worthless and insane, half of his property that he worked his ASS off for years and years in order to buy his dad out. I love that dude but, to be honest, he"s so fucking retarded with girls that it"s draining to have to deal with it all the time. He meets some girl he likes and the next day he"s talking about "well if things work out with her and we move in together I could save xyz money and do abc with it." Then he calls her 15 times the next day (literally) and scares her away.

It"s exhausting to be a supportive friend to people who are emotional leeches. I just stop talking to them, not out of any conscious "they"re not good enough to be my friend" decision, but more because at a certain point they"re not longer contributing to the friendship and I lose any desire to call them.

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Here"s a question in return Ravvenn (and Alcestis if she"s still alive), though I certainly contributed nothing to your dilemma besides "I won"t judge if you just abandon her":

I met this Korean girl on a hike about a month ago who is, based on estimates of work and travel history, somewhere between 32 and 36 years old. I"m 26. She"s SUPER sexy, fun, etc, and quite a bit younger acting than her age. She knew my friend so I ended up talking to her quite a lot and had no actual thoughts about getting together because of the large age difference. But recently I"m starting to think it might be worth my while to make something happen based on her actions.

Brief history/reasoning for my consideration:
-after the trip (~1 month ago) we were parting ways with everyone, me leaving before her, and she ran up to me 5 min later to make sure we exchange fb info, in way that seemed so eager and essential that it really caught my eye
-I sort of dropped her some bait about a fake promise she made to me to teach me to make some specific Korean food. I presented it jokingly and made no request for her #. At the end I said, "There"s no purpose for the msg, just saying hi." Her response was "you are so funny, blah blah blah, here is my cell #, call me."
-I called her 4 days later, chit chatted for under 10 min, said bye. She called me 3 times in the following days, the first 2 I missed, but in the last I said lets get dinner. and she agreed.
-2 days before the time, the group we are both a part of had a small dinner, so she suggested we go to that, but meet early so we can hang out beforehand.
-When we met, she wrapped her arm through mine as we walked, and did a lot of touching and slapping when I teased her.
-She continues to call or txt me much more than I do her.

Hesitations:
-She"s anywhere from 6-9 years older than me, based on estimates. I generally assume a girl is never interested in younger guys, but my history here has sorta proven otherwise
-While my ex is 32 and the last Korean I hooked up with was 31, I got overcocky with older girls, then got brutally shot down by the 30yr old Korean teacher I had. That really made me check whether I was way overcocky about being able to land older girls.
-She"s very playful with all people. This is why I ignored most of the things you"d normally take as signs that a girl is attracted to you. She"s a girl who will give most guys the wrong impression that they have a chance with her. This is probably the most important factor.

However, for the reason of the last hestitation listed, I had no real thoughts of trying to make something happen or think of her as anything more than a fun girl that would be good to see on future trips. Yet some of the things stick out like sore thumbs to me and make me think I should move on them. Ordinarily I wouldn"t trust my judgment because men are always biased to think a girl is into them, but I have one other girl I"m talking to also and have no real investment into trying to make something of this situation other than "if it is possible, it would be good."

So the question for the girls is, what might this girl actually be thinking in regards to me, and more importantly (because, as a guy I will try regardless of the answer to question #1), how do I go about making a move on someone significantly older than me? Most importantly and related to both questions: assuming she"s attracted, what role does she best want me to fill? Cocky young guy (established that quite strongly so far) to satisfy her carnal desires while she tries without success yet to find a husband? haha I"m being facetious.....but somewhat serious

That relationship is near unsalvageable but to overcome a breaking of trust they have to do things for eachother . The only way to fix shit like that is for each person to put themselves out there 100%. You"re either all in, or you should get out. You can"t half trust someone and you can"t keep secrets and trust someone at the same time. If both people won"t go all in then you can break it off.

They need to be introspective, but express that towards each other. They should really focus on trying to let each other know what they enjoy as much as what they dislike. From your story it seems as if they are both in some kind of self protective mode where they are grading each other where the score card starts with 100% and then slowly taking off points and then being consumed by how far short the other person is relative to being "perfect".

They are obsessed with what the they are not getting from their partner, instead of being curious what their partner needs from them.

Really, relationships really only work legitimately if both people are all in. Anything other relationships that last at all are based on something like convenience, comfort, social status, fear, or some other perk that is deemed good enough to put up with all the shit.

They both have a lot of work to do individually to even have the tools to fix their relationship in a meaningful way.


To Dabamf

Dabamf said:

#1), how do I go about making a move on someone significantly older than me? Most importantly and related to both questions: assuming she"s attracted, what role does she best want me to fill? Cocky young guy (established that quite strongly so far) to satisfy her carnal desires while she tries without success yet to find a husband? haha I"m being facetious.....but somewhat serious

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All I can tell you is this, age is really a number. There is not some magic birthday where your mindset about your life magically changes unless you chose to change it. If you chose to love life and act childlike you will, if you want to be serious business all the time you will, if you want to be "insert here" you will. Don"t miss an experience with someone you think you have a connection with because you assume that an arbitrary number is more accurate in determining what you do or do not have in common with someone than all the other information about them and yourself that you have. She could see you as a conquest or as husband material who the hell knows, just like she has no idea precisely how you see her.

My advice comes from the viewpoint of someone with a chronic illness (arthritis for 23 years, I am 30 with the body of an old man). My significant other of almost 9 years wouldn"t have given me the time of day if she held what other people think or notions about age, expectations of what it means to be X or Y according to society. Don"t be trapped by shit like that. It blows my mind that given all the things I cannot do that somehow what I give her is what she needs and vice versa.

The short version, your concerns about age are stupid because either she matches you as a person and you match her in ways that count or you don"t. The end.

P.S. We can generalize what to expect out of certain demographics of people, but you aren"t looking to date or marry a demographic, its another human being. Be slow to put what you think they are supposed to be versus what they actually are.

Dabamf said:

So the question for the girls is, what might this girl actually be thinking in regards to me, and more importantly (because, as a guy I will try regardless of the answer to question #1), how do I go about making a move on someone significantly older than me? Most importantly and related to both questions: assuming she"s attracted, what role does she best want me to fill? Cocky young guy (established that quite strongly so far) to satisfy her carnal desires while she tries without success yet to find a husband? haha I"m being facetious.....but somewhat serious

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Granted I know nothing about how Korean women are culturalized but sounds like she"s into you and you"re way overthinking this. She seems clearly into you by American standards and she already both agreed to a date and gave you her number. What other moves do you mean you need to make?

Go out on some fun dates and see what happens. I don"t know, maybe that advice is too simple but it seems a lot of the problems here stem from not just being more simplistic about shit.

Dandain said:

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I am not at all concerned about her age except regarding how it would impact her potential interest towards me. At this point I am hooked on older girls and that"s all I want to date or talk to.

The former teacher I mentioned that I went after agreed to meet me for coffee 1-on-1 (though she did suggest another student I was friends with should come too, I guess that was #1 warning sign) as well, so I sort of don"t take an agreement to meet 1-on-1 as any sort of sign of interest. Whereas an equal-aged girl might feel the need to clarify a desire to be only friends when an invitation is offered, a significantly older girl might just assume that will be the case.

She seems clearly into you by American standards and she already both agreed to a date and gave you her number. What other moves do you mean you need to make?

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I don"t have any advice to add, but I wanted to say something about foreign girls.

Judging interest in you from American standards when you"re not in the USA can be a huge minefield, cause the cultural differences are so different in so many ways. Dabamf has been in Korea long enough to recognize the differences and handle it, I"m sure. But just as a general warning to anyone who may be interacting in the future with foreign chicks: be careful.

Stuff that would normally show interest in the States is just normal social interaction in lots of places. Sitting very close, walking arm-in-arm, and even kissing on the cheek (a real kiss with lip contact, not that stupid air-kiss that some people do) can all be considered quite normal depending on where you are.

And this is all magnified if you"re in a place where Americans aren"t common, cause people will be extra friendly to you just out of curiosity to talk and learn about you.

McCheese said:

I don"t have any advice to add, but I wanted to say something about foreign girls.

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And this is all magnified if you"re in a place where Americans aren"t common, cause people will be extra friendly to you just out of curiosity to talk and learn about you.

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I was genuinely asking what other moves he thinks to make. I really haven"t spent significant time out of this country, and wouldn"t have known about the kissing just being friendly, etc. I"ve also live in the Midwest my whole life and we love our personal bubbles.

I have no idea how you"d figure out if some girl was into you then, shit. I retract my overthinking it statement.

I"m going on a trip with my girlfriend and two of her girlfriends after New Years. So I couldn"t really break up with her now, plus like I said things are going smooth. I am gonna go with the flow, wait till after the trip and see how things are. Give or take, February-ish or before our 1 year anniversary (april) and then I"ll probably drop the bomb.

Any suggestions as to what I should say about it and being fuck-buddies isn"t a good idea right?

P.S. I wanna leave doors open, but if it really isn"t feasable, whatever.
P.S.S. Drinking age over here is barely 18. So yea, kids start drinking and hanging out at "bars" at 16, 17, 18.

Dabamf said:

-She"s very playful with all people.

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I think your story sounds obvious in "what to do". Play her, hard. Make her come to you, get her interested and stay out of reach until you are 100% sure to land. No matter if she is toying with you now ("being playful") or really interested, it works in both cases and you are on the safe side.
Not sure about your friends, but being shot down by a girl within your social circle can be akward, thats why I would take the safe route.

And about the age and her expectations. Best time to think about this or even talk about this is right after sex. So you know what to do. Actually.. you are in korea and she is hot. Who cares what she wants? Its not like its going to last forever.

**Drunken update**
Nora is still pushing me onto Jenny. Saying Jenny likes me alot... Nora even said she was only interested in girls at one point tonight... but then called me and told me that we will talk more on our date tomorrow. During this phone call she also mentioned that she wants to get married and that she is getting older... I calmly explained to her that I have no intention of marrying anyone right now, let alone someone I do not know very well!

Have not spoken to Lilly in a couple days. Ivana and I are broken up, we had an interesting encounter at another bar where she basically cockblocked me...

What the hell is it with everyone and wanting to get married? Its starting to look like if I want to continue having "fun" I should hook up with Jenny and Lilly and let the girls that wanna get married trap some other sucker!