Girls who broke your heart thread

Ravvenn"s candor isn"t carte blanche to walk over women and blame hormones: I"m guessing those that can"t figure that out on their own won"t get it, though.

Ravvenn said:

If you TRULY LOVE someone, you don"t want breaks. A break to those of us in loving relationships is a night out with the boys or girls, not splitting up, making sure the grass isn"t greener elsewhere, etc.

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True love in this context is a social construct. And this specific ideal is a relatively modern invention. The whole I MUST OWN YOU FOREVER is hardly healthy and going by divorce rates tends not to last.

If you are secure in the bond you have with someone else "taking a break" is a healthy and even mandatory event. Being around one person constantly hampers your ability to see things outside of the context of always being around them. Sometimes you need to learn and grow out from the umbrella of someone else. Regardless of how much you love them.

Let"s say you make a comment a co-worker hit on you. This can go two ways; she dwells wondering if you flirt back, who the co-worker is, is she prettier than her, etc. IF she starts thinking this way, she needs to actually stop it herself and think, "he was honest and told me, stop being paranoid without reason". Or she continues to dwell and ends up accusing you of liking the coworker because if she knew you were in a relationship she wouldn"t hit on you (or some equally stupid variant of that). Retarded example, but you can hopefully get my drift.

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It definitely points to some deep insecurities in the relationship. For me the whole True Love thing goes hand in hand with complete trust. If you start thinking this way shows you are insecure and do not have a deep trust in your partner or the relationship.

Your trust is based on circumstance. This is generally the line of thought that eventually leads to someone fucking another. In addition people tend to judge others by the yard sticks of themselves.

Dishonest people cannot trust anyone. Because they assume everyone is like themselves. Generally speaking if someone does not trust you because of a certain set of circumstances means thats because in those circumstances they would also be shady.

Gryeyes said:

If you are secure in the bond you have with someone else "taking a break" is a healthy and even mandatory event. Being around one person constantly hampers your ability to see things outside of the context of always being around them. Sometimes you need to learn and grow out from the umbrella of someone else. Regardless of how much you love them.

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Being in a loving, monogamous relationship does not automatically mean that you"re smothering/smothered by your loved one and you need a break. It also doesn"t mean that you"re going to have blinders on, act like a retard, or not notice when things are wrong. Nothing is mandatory, and "taking a break" is not always healthy. Just like Raaven"s women advice can"t broadly paint all women"s attitudes, "advice" like this should have a disclaimer.

Lenas said:

Being in a loving, monogamous relationship does not automatically mean that you"re smothering/smothered by your loved one and you need a break.

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I never implied it did...I merely said it sometimes happens.

Gryeyes said:

I never implied it did...I merely said it sometimes happens.

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If you are secure in the bond you have with someone else "taking a break" is a healthy andeven mandatory event.

That sounds a little stronger than "sometimes" happens.

Can someone tell me if getting laid is generally a helpful step in getting over a break up?

Gryeyes said:

..

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I"m curious, what"s the longest relationship you"ve been in?

Ravvenn said:

I"m curious, what"s the longest relationship you"ve been in?

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Don"t mind him. He has been proven by science to be a class-A fucktard.

projectoffset said:

Can someone tell me if getting laid is generally a helpful step in getting over a break up?

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Unsure if serious.

Sometimes it can help get your mind off the ex, sometimes it just reinforces the feeling of loss. I don"t think there"s any surefire way or steps to get over a break up other than time and not wallowing in self pity by staying active, whether that"s with friends or chasing random tail. Even then sometimes that shit can linger a long time, at least for me anyway.

projectoffset said:

Can someone tell me if getting laid is generally a helpful step in getting over a break up?

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Of course. The more the merrier.
Its actually the best and most efficient way to deal with it.

Ravvenn said:

We think too goddamn much, we over-analyze everything. I"m guilty of it, it"s totally shitty. I"d have something on my mind, and two weeks later when I actually say something it"s very possible I"ve already created 20 false scenarios in my head over something so retarded it"s embarrassing.

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Thats so 100% my gf. One example I will always remember...
Before we got together we had a fight. I was really mad and did simply ignore her for some time. So the next days we have a group meeting at university and I couldnt make it, so I send a quick text to a group member.
Fast forward 2-3 weeks. We are walking home with a friend of mine, bought some beers on the way and joke around. I say something harmless, just some teasing...
...and she explodes right into my face "BUT YOU CALLED X WHEN YOU COULDNT MAKE IT TO THE MEETING!"

I was like.. wtf? We were not even a couple back then, just very good friends. There were no obligations, nothing. We even had a FIGHT and I was angry at her. Yet for some weeks she was suffering because of this and then it slipped...

Stuff like that happens alot, I think its cute :b

Ravvenn said:

.

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If I ever met a girl with this amount of self-awareness, I"d totally buy her a kimono on the first date.

projectoffset said:

Can someone tell me if getting laid is generally a helpful step in getting over a break up?

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Yes

Dianetics08 said:

That sounds a little stronger than "sometimes" happens.

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Sometimesyou need to learn and grow out from the umbrella of someone else. Regardless of how much you love them.

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That your perspective gets distorted by "love" and the context of a relationship is a bit more certain than SOMETIMES it being healthy and beneficial to have a step back.

I"m curious, what"s the longest relationship you"ve been in?

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Monogamous committed I love you forever and ever? 3-4 years.

Dabamf said:

If I ever met a girl with this amount of self-awareness, I"d totally buy her a kimono on the first date.



Yes

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I think accountability may be the word that describes the #1 trait I"m looking for in a mate after these many years of relationship experience. Exactly as Ravvenn said: hormones are real, and they have real effects, but using them as an excuse to fucking wild-out and not be accountable for it later?

You know, men have hormones too. Testosterone, at times, gives us really negative impulses. We are expected to control them because people get hurt when we don"t. We should expect the same out of our mates.

I slept with that other woman because my testosterone was high that evening and I couldn"t control myself.

FoghornDeadhorn said:

You know, men have hormones too. Testosterone, at times, gives us really negative impulses. We are expected to control them because people get hurt when we don"t. We should expect the same out of our mates.

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I control my hormones onto a sock every night before I go to sleep.

Can I ask a males POV regarding my friends marriage? She"s on another forum I use too and it"s ALL women who give her biased advice (lots of man-bashing when people ask for relationship advice). Her husband does weird stuff and in a way I kinda think it"s her fault. :O Anyway, wanted to ask before gettin" further up in your business.

Ravvenn said:

I"m curious, what"s the longest relationship you"ve been in?

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Have you ever cheated on someone in a relationship? Feedback on a marriage involving weird behavior? For sure.

Ravvenn said:

We think too goddamn much, we over-analyze everything. I"m guilty of it, it"s totally shitty. I"d have something on my mind, and two weeks later when I actually say something it"s very possible I"ve already created 20 false scenarios in my head over something so retarded it"s embarrassing. It really is humiliating being emotional and/or hormonal. I do make an effort almost always to remind myself I am a stupid girl who over-thinks things and to knock that shit off. It takes work and for some women, they take the easy way out byembracing the crazy.

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This. I will flat out admit that I"m paranoid and neurotic. Its weird for me though because it never manifests/ed in the relationship (marriage) that I have now - it manifests in EVERY other relationship (professional to friends) that I have.

How I deal with it? I remind myself that I"m neurotic and paranoid and over think things way too much and when other people tell me that I agree with them - its actually a joke. Had my best friend on one phone and a VP at my job on the other phone one day at work and he was like "Jesus christ stop being so paranoid" - she heard him through my phone and was like "hello have you met her?"

So I guess I deal with it with humor and support of people who accept my crazy I"m paranoid yes but I put up with a LOT of sarcasm/jokes because I dish it out too. I dont know. Somehow it works.

Rav"s right though - all women are nuts its finding one that deals with it and deals with it in a way that you"re ok with. And I rarely, VERY rarely, if ever, blame hormones and I"m at a place now where I can recognize (like today) whats going on and say "oh hey I"ll bet I"m going to be on the rag in 2 days" and will just say to my husband "look I"m in a bad mood, I dont know why you didn"t do anything wrong you"re just irritating the shit out of me for some reason so even though I"m pissed off at you to the point I can feel it in my chest my brain is telling me its irrational so I apologize in advance, I"m trying."

It sounds totally fucked up but that"s what happens (I actually say that/some variation of that) most of the time. And if it gets away from me/I don"t realize it until later I"ll apologize - and mean it. Hormones are an explanation to me, not an excuse for shitty behavior.