Girls who broke your heart thread

Lithose if the first time you heard about the friendzone was on the internet then consider yourself very lucky indeed. Though that does explain why you have no clue what it means and why you wrongly think it"s internet slang.

Sharmai said:

Lithose if the first time you heard about the friendzone was on the internet then consider yourself very lucky indeed. Though that does explain why you have no clue what it means.

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Well, my knowledge of it was simply that is was a term for a guy that couldn"t get into the relationship with a girl (For whatever reason). I had no idea it had sub groups based on how the girl actually felt toward the guy. So if that has been the problem in the communication, I apologize. I really had no idea that the labels were so defined for so many guys. I honestly thought Cut was just trolling the fuck out of me.

If he defines "friend zone" guys though as the "harmless" friend types, then I can understand his position a lot better. I wasn"t narrowing the "friend zone" down to the harmless guys.

Edit: Though it still doesn"t explain his stance on STFU"s woman, so I guess there was some trolling. Meh.

My friends and I used to have the two week rule. If you don"t fuck her in those two weeks from meeting her you"re in the friend zone.

Labels for different aspects of friendship shouldn"t be so surprising. Bestfriends, close friends, girlfriends (girl to girl), boyfriends, life friends, etc. Ask any teenager and they should be able to give you a dozen types of "friends" off the top of their heads but you are excused for not knowing since most guys could not care less about that sort of thing. The friendzone thing, however, is practically unique to men and something nearly all of us have been through no later then high school. That"s why I say if you think it has anything to do with internet slang then you have been very, very lucky indeed.

Lithose said:

Well, my knowledge of it was simply that is was a term for a guy that couldn"t get into the relationship with a girl (For whatever reason). I had no idea it had sub groups based on how the girl actually felt toward the guy. So if that has been the problem in the communication, I apologize. I really had no idea that the labels were so defined for so many guys. I honestly thought Cut was just trolling the fuck out of me.

If he defines "friend zone" guys though as the "harmless" friend types, then I can understand his position a lot better. I wasn"t narrowing the "friend zone" down to the harmless guys.

Edit: Though it still doesn"t explain his stance on STFU"s woman, so I guess there was some trolling. Meh.

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This is more than a little astonishing. Not only is the "friend zone" a very common phrase that describes a very specific thing (not "friends" but "just friends") but it"s also quite commonly used as a verb: "friend-zoned."

Being "friend-zoned" is being put in that "just friends" category, or ladder if you like it, and is something that men who are interested in a woman often actively try to avoid -- rightly or wrongly -- thinking there is a "time limit" by which they must have established a romantic connection (regardless of whether that goes anywhere) or they will forever be thought of as "just friends."

This is usually in reference to a guy who is "going out" with a girl but it"s not explicitly on dates. If X time passes with nothing physical occurring, you are now "friend-zoned." This is troll woman science that probably conflates symptom and disease: nothing happening may or may not mean anything one way or the other, but making something happen potentially ensures you"re off the "just friends ladder," where nothing happening may be because you"re already there. Or maybe that both of you were confused about the other"s feeling and did not want to risk a move. In the latter case, according to bro-logic, you"ve been "friend-zoned" when really, you"re not, it"s just that nothing has happened. Weeks, months, or years later it may turn out there was always something there.

Bottom line:

Anecdotal evidence does not disprove the ladder theory. It"s pretty much how it is. Jumps can occur BOTH ways, but you can"t climb up the "friends" ladder straight into a relationship. Something has to happen. Likewise, lack of a relationship for however long in no way indicates that you are not a prospect in some way shape of form. You can, however, turn from a prospect or an ex into a "just friend" for whom the female has no further interest in romantic relations.

OK.

Kirin ignoring this chick isn"t "being a man" and holding his ground. It"s him trying to wrestle control of the situation when he feels completely out of control of it, victimizing the girl in the process.

Besides, he didn"t say "ok I understand, but I can"t be friends with someone I"m romantically interested in. I"m sorry and good luck." He lashed out at her in anger. Let"s not misinterpret what happened. "I"m sick and tired of being the friend blah blah good riddance" is lashing out, nothing else.

He willingly became her platonic friend, failed to be a support for her when she broke up with her boyfriend as a friend SHOULD do, then failed to gain her attraction and THEN got angry atherfor the chemicals in her body not responding to his boyish beta behavior with a wet vagina.

As for "leading him on," based on those 2 events? Here"s a tip: Friends are often encouraging of each other, and friends often share things with each other.

Periodically this thread turns into woman-bashing, and it needs to be checked. It"s not a woman"s responsibility to make sure you don"t become her fake friend and lie dormant waiting for her to become single.

In other news regarding the story I posted last week, I"m actually dating the girl pretty seriously now. We ended up spending 4 of the first 7 days together because we had a date planned for 2 days later anyway, plus we just happened to be going on the same ski trip together on the weekend because we"re part of the same outdoors group (I"da never done that otherwise, out of caution). It"s going extremely well now and that kinda leaves me out of posting details since I don"t want to do that about someone I"m serious about. Except for one thing...based on a mixture of information her age is 33-35, which makes her 7-9 years older than me. It doesn"t bother me, but it does feel strange and she seems oddly not to notice. Plus I look young, so walking in public together, as a foreigner and Korean (which already gets looked at a lot), is like being a celebrity that young people are intrigued by and old people hate.

What are people"s opinions on how much is too much in terms of seeing someone when first starting out in a relationship? Just kinda curious. Obviously it changes from situation to situation, but just in general terms.

I hung out with Jill, the new girl, last Tuesday, Saturday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. We were gonna hang out a bit last night but she"d just started her new placement as a nurse, people didn"t show, and she ended up working 16 hours and only had 8 before her next shift. We"re supposed to hang out tomorrow, assuming nothing goes sideways at work, and possibly Tuesday for another hockey game (haven"t brought it up yet).

Doing my best to not repeat past mistakes of coming on too strong or getting in touch too much. Typically I"ve been letting her initiate text convos, and trying to keep my responses short, and from what I can tell she does seem in to me.

However I also spoke at length with my buddy about the initial screw up with him going out with her while I was out of town, and it has definitely made me less willing to take her at face value as she basically played the two of us, pretty much exactly how a dude would have tried to play two girls that were friends with each other. She didn"t do anything wrong per say, but it made me realize she"s not nearly as innocent, naive and sweet as I thought she was.

Eomer, if you"re still in Edmonton, you should hit up my ex and see if she wants to hang out. She"s pretty cool. Lol.

Dabamf said:

He willingly became her platonic friend,failed to be a support for her when she broke up with her boyfriend as a friend SHOULDdo

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I don"t ever remember saying I didn"t do this. If I did, that was a mistake on my part. I actually helped her out a ton during/post breakup, support wise. It"s part of the reason I then struggled with asking her out. Did I lash out in anger? Probably. Have I been immature about certain things? Most likely. Live and learn I guess. Like I said though, I do plan on discussing everything with her. Where I was coming from, where she was coming from, etc. I"ll say my peace and then I"m sure that will be the end of things.

I do appreciate all the criticism though. It has helped a lot. Especially since I was admittedly not very experienced in the whole "just friends" arena, which I"m sure is pretty obvious.

Eomer said:

What are people"s opinions on how much is too much in terms of seeing someone when first starting out in a relationship? Just kinda curious. Obviously it changes from situation to situation, but just in general terms.

I hung out with Jill, the new girl, last Tuesday, Saturday, Tuesday, and Wednesday.

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Obviously it depends on the 2 people, but I think that"s way too frequently for the beginning. We became super close in a ridiculously short period of time, which makes it safer since we"ve both already kinda let on how much we like each other (in a rapid progression, though I basically stayed 1 step behind her the whole way), and I STILL was really uneasy about seeing each other for 4 days of the fist week.

It"s always better to err on the side of being too scarce rather than too available. Obviously this can go too far, but if you are just a little too unavailable it won"t hurt you, but if you are just a little too available, it can ruin everything. And since you tend to go too far in the available direction, I"d suggest holding back as much as you can until she has made some sort of confession of how much she likes you, or attempts to define the relationship, or some other indicator like that.

projectoffset said:

Eomer, if you"re still in Edmonton, you should hit up my ex and see if she wants to hang out. She"s pretty cool. Lol.

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I"m pretty sure Eomer wants to date within his own species. I"m not going out on a limb here because he seems like a sane, well-adjusted human being that has no interest in plugging whatever hole you just created in whatever cow* you fancy that is unfortunate enough to live on a farm near the hovel you occupy.

*Cow/deer/sheep/road kill/crusty old jerk sock/Uncle Ned; don"t argue semantics. Eomer isn"t interested in any of them.

Silence said:

I"m pretty sure Eomer wants to date within his own species. I"m not going out on a limb here because he seems like a sane, well-adjusted human being that has no interest in plugging whatever hole you just created in whatever cow* you fancy that is unfortunate enough to live on a farm near the hovel you occupy.

*Cow/deer/sheep/road kill/crusty old jerk sock/Uncle Ned; don"t argue semantics. Eomer isn"t interested in any of them.

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I"m glad you"re a fan of my work.

Po bro what is your address so I can mail you a present

Dabamf said:

Obviously it depends on the 2 people, but I think that"s way too frequently for the beginning.

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Yeah, I don"t know if I"d add the "way", but it seemed like that to me as well. That said it"s typically been 50/50 about picking when to hang out, if not more on her side.

For example the second Tuesday we hung out, she texted me during the day asking if we could move it to Wednesday instead. I said sure no problem, that I had a friend who needed me to come hook up his new kitchen sink and they"d be happy to get their sink back a day earlier anyway. She texted later and said some of her friends were going out to watch the hockey game, and that I should drop by after I was done. I called her when I was done and asked her what was up, she said it was looking like the drinks were falling through, I said no worries and that if she wanted to she could drop by and watch the game at my place, she said she didn"t want to do that if we weren"t going to still hang out the next day as well, I made a wisecrack about her being so needy and she came over.

Things will probably slow down over the next few weeks with New Year"s trips to separate places, she"s working full time now, and going to Costa Rica at the end of January for 3 weeks, and I"ll be doing my usual "gone skiing Friday to Sunday" thing until April.

MorinkhanMT said:

Heya man, it"s been a couple days... how things goin? Stayin strong?

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Picasso said:

STFU SON UPDATE

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Sorry, I was driving back home for the holidays, then busy with all the family stuff.

I had a moment of weakness when I got back, called her and set up a time when I could pick up the stuff that I had at her place. In all honesty though I just wanted to hear everything that she was telling me on the phone, face to face, because I was still having trouble believing it.

So I went over there and sure enough, she was able to recite everything that she"d been saying on the phone... and do so with a straight face. You"d think it would be really difficult hearing that someone no longer wants to be with you, doesn"t feel the same, etc... after so long and having put up with so much. And it was, but it has also helped me tostartto get over her.

I"m coming to the realization that she probably did me a big favor, because without something drastic happening, I don"t know if I would have ever been able to end it with her.

Eomer said:

What are people"s opinions on how much is too much in terms of seeing someone when first starting out in a relationship? Just kinda curious. Obviously it changes from situation to situation, but just in general terms.

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I wouldn"t worry to much about it. I think as long as she is initiating the "hanging out" at least 1/2 the time you are fine. Any time I"ve gotten into a new relationship, it involved seeing a lot of each other when it first started. While they may not have worked out in the long run, the fact we hung out a lot when we first started seeing each other wasn"t the reason things didn"t work out.

TheCutlery said:

You in law school or something? Because you"ve been told you"re totally wrong a couple of times now by several people and you just lawyered the shit outta this topic. It"s fine man, it"s okay to be wrong. It"s okay to not understand the complex being that is a woman. You don"t gotta go all crazy defensive about it.

I"ve got a lot of female friends/acquaintences/etc, and none of my wife"s friends are married. Ladder theory can be used to describe every single one of their situations almost to a T. It might look like something some dudes came up with after a night of drinking (and actually, it probably was), but it"s pretty much dead on the money.

You were never on the friends ladder with any woman you fucked. Your situation was exactly the same as mine with my wife. She was around, had intentions, and was waiting for me to make the first move. Unfortunately, since guys can"t ever make the first move and come out looking good, we rarely do, and then she had to make the move for me.

You can come up with whatever defense you want about using the wrong word or whatever, but that"s just the way it is. It doesn"t matter what word you"re using to describe the relationship, the point is that it wasn"t taking place on the friends ladder, it was on the fuck ladder.

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Of course we can make the first move and look good. Just be nice and have good intentions. That would entail putting your dick in your pants for a while longer, but it is not hard to make the first move. The biggest thing is to get over yourself and whatever fears or worries you have. Emotions are a man"s friend/problem too.

TheCutlery said:

It"s okay to not understand the complex being that is a woman.

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I don"t know if complex is the right word to use.

*shrug*

Schizophrenia is complex too!