Girls who broke your heart thread

I"m pretty sure if it was a pregnancy, she would have said so. Why even bring up the condoms if she was already pregnant right? Besides which, she just had her period last week, although she made a remark on Friday about how it"s possible to have a period and be pregnant.

I replied to her email basically saying thanks a lot, that now I was worried and that I was getting a bit tired of being the dark, that I"m probably over thinking things and that this will most likely turn out to be small potatoes once it"s all said and done, but that for the time being we should just agree to not discuss "the funk" until she"s ready to actually tell me what"s up.

Brekk, I seriously doubt that she"s got a mental condition. Something"s up with her life, and she"s not sure how to deal with it. That doesn"t mean she"s got a disorder.

And I totally see where Dabamf and Tenks are coming from, as well. And considering they were spot on with the whole Chuck thing, I"d be stupid to not heed their advice at least to some extent.

The obvious answer is to demand to know. It is affecting your relationship in a negative manner and is bugging you. Women love to do shit like this and unless you call them out on it then the coy "I know something you don"t" stuff will continue.

She knows she is doing something wrong and is being intentionally irritating. Girls like honestly and openness and often times that means you have to confront them on certain things.

So in response to me saying that we shouldn"t talk about it over email since it wasn"t doing either of us any good:

Sure. I would love to chat about it in person but I need to stay home tonight. I am really exhausted and just want to veg in my scruffy clothes. If that is ok?

But just so you know, my funk is getting better.....

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She was up really late last night with the birth of her niece, so it"s understandable that she"s tired.

She does that "is that ok?" thing a ton. Whether it"s putting dishes in my dishwasher ("does that go there? Is that ok?") to whether it"s cool that she hangs out with her family during Folk Fest ("thanks for buying me a pass, is it okay if I spend some time with my family too?") she constantly asks me permission for damn near everything. It"s kind of weird.

I think I will just not respond to the email and call her tonight, and ask what the hell is going on.

Generally asking for permission to do anything and everything means she is nervous and submissive which is why as a guy you should never do that. She seems like a hard chick to figure out but just follow the basic game/cocky&funny rule-set and you"ll be fine.

Although her needless permission asking gives you a huge opportunity to jab at her playfully. Like when she asks about dishwasher stuff just say "No thats not alright, now you"re going to have to wash it by hand." and things of that nature.

I know I keep mentioning that girls love to play games, but have you considered that perhaps shewantsto be forced into telling you what the matter is? Chicks (including the submissive sort) toy like that when they want to incite you with their antics. A "no, it"snotokay. Don"t fuck with me, woman" is good for that type once in a while, especially since her latest two emails you"ve quoted make it clear she thinks you"re a doormat (at least with this issue). She"s aware it"s causing you distress yet demurs with some "scruffy clothes" shit? Maybe I"m a dying breed, but being tired isn"t an acceptable excuse to not clear up an issue I know is causing a loved one grief. Not acceptable. Not "okay".

Tenks and Dabamf present the best case: go over tonight and demand to know.

I was actually starting to think the same thing. She seems like the kind of girl who wants you to demand to know. She wants to tell you, but wants you to demand it of her. I"ve been with a girl that was like that before, you just need to coax it out of her.

Heh, she lives with her dad and step-mom currently, who I have not yet met. I don"t think I"m going to tap dance through that mine field just to get to the next one. We"ll see what she has to say on the phone, and go from there.

I would also suggest semi-demanding she tell you over the phone. Say that you understand it"s maybe difficult, but you"ve been patient and its causing you a lot of frustration, and its time to let it out. If she won"t, ask her if she expects you to sit around for another week wondering wtf is going on all the while the problem remains the same and she is gonna have to tell you eventually anyway. If she still won"t, the conversation should eventually end with you not being happy with how she is handling it, and her knowing that you are not happy with her right now.

Don"t be afraid to be displeased. You seem like a nice guy. I am too deep down, and I hate to make people feel bad about themselves. So it"s something I have a hard time doing too, but sometimes, especially if its someone important to you, you need to drop the niceness and express displeasure. Remember, it"s her problem and she"s handling it poorly, so you have a right to be unhappy with her. And if she feels bad about herself as a result, its not because of you, its because of her, and you are simply no longer reassuring her that shitty behavior is ok.

Just got off the phone with her. She called me, actually.

Sorry for the long post!

Me said:

As well, her previous relationships over the past couple years were kind of fucked up. She was involved in some fucked up love pentagon. It took her like two hours to give me a summary of all the bullshit that went on. That largely was over well over a year ago, but after that, she remained somewhat fuck buddies with one of the dudes and that continued right up until she met me (coincidentally he was briefly a tour guide with the same company as me, although I only met him once and he didn"t stick around). She still talks/texts with that guy, who apparently is somewhat unstable mentally with depression and has told her that he hates me, if only because I "stole" her (dumbass didn"t want a relationship while she did the entire time). I don"t really give a shit that she talks with him, I"m not the jealous type, and they"ve known each other for a long time. And besides, if I told her to stop talking with him, she"d most likely either refuse or just do it behind my back anyway. So at least there"s no secrets, that I"m aware of.

So I don"t know, maybe she"s wondering if she should go back to that guy?

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Ding!

I will try to keep the backstory short. Several years ago she was dating a guy named Dave, and there was another couple Jay and Kim. Along with my girlfriend Anne, that was 4/5ths of the pentagon. I can"t even remember who the 5th was, as they don"t factor in much. So she had been going out with Dave for around a year, and Jay and Kim had been dating for several years at that point and everyone just assumed they would get married. I don"t remember the exactly details of who broke up when, who cheated with who, but long story short Dave cheated on her with Kim, which broke up the relationship between Jay and Kim (as well, Dave and Jay up to that point were best friends, and they no longer talk). I think that"s what happened anyway. The 5th person factors in there somewhere that I can"t remember. Close enough.

So Dave and Kim end up together. Meanwhile, Anne and Jay support each other through the tough times, and sure enough end up sleeping with each other. However Jay insists that he does not want a serious relationship and is happy continuing the casual one. Anne, who I have come to realize is a pretty submissive approval seeking type, goes along with that for several years. They see other people as well along the way, but tend to go back to each other. Times between hooking up can be months, or they will see each other regularly for a period of time. Jay continues to not want a relationship while Anne does.

Then I came along in pink pajamas and a fish scale thong. True story. At that point, she hadn"t hooked up with him in several months, and when she told me the whole love pentagon thing, I asked her if she was "over" him and she confirmed that yes, she was, but that he was still a good friend and she would continue to see him from time to time if only because he works in a bike shop that she takes her bike to for fixes.

A month ago, she got word that Dave and Kim got engaged. She"s completely over Dave as that was a long time ago, but wanted to let Jay know about it, because he was still stewing over the whole thing (again with the depression thing). She had heard through mutual friends that Jay had started seeing someone soon after she had told him that she was seeing me, and Jay had gotten pissed/upset about that. So when she went to tell him about Dave and Kim getting engaged, she mentioned that she had heard Jay was also seeing someone, and Jay responded that no he wasn"t, not really, they were just hanging out.

So then last weekend she want for a bike ride with a group of mutual friends, and apparently their larger group of friends are unaware that Anne and Jay had been fucking around on the side. So this group of friends casually mentioned that Jay had been seeing someone for the past month or so. And I guess at that point, Anne realized that she did actually still have feelings for Jay.

Coincidentally, the front fork of her bike started leaking oil that day (her shocks have been recalled three times, I guess that"s why everyone has Fox and not Rock Shox these days), and so she brought the bike in to get fixed on Monday, and ran in to Jay, at which time she confronted him about the girl he was seeing, wanting to know why he had lied to her. She didn"t want to go in to the details of that conversation with me.

She says that she does still have feelings for him as it turns out, and that she has decided she needs to avoid contact with Jay as much as possible for the time being (even though she"ll have to go pick up her bike at some point), and that nothing has changed with how she feels about me, and wants things to continue as they have been. She needed the couple days to sort through her feelings and figure out what she wanted to do.

I basically said that I had suspected that was what was going on, and that I would have appreciated her letting me know sooner what was going on because it had been affecting our relationship negatively for awhile. She reiterated that it was only in the past couple days that she realized what exactly it was that was bothering her, and that she wanted to sort through things before talking to me about it. I was tempted to call her on only figuring it out in the past couple days. I mean, if I was upset about an old flame seeing someone new, why would I not be aware of the reason for being upset? That just didn"t make much sense to me, but she was getting pretty defensive about it and I let it lie.

I said that my feelings for her hadn"t changed from what they were last week, but that I was now more concerned about the Jay thing than I had been previously. She had to get going because family from out of town was coming over, and they were going to the hospital to see her new niece.

So yeah, last week I was cruising along safe in the knowledge that she was really in to me and that everything was smooth sailing. Now, I"m not really sure what to think. I suggested we hang out tomorrow, as I"ll be out of town for the better part of the weekend, but she said more family was coming in from out of town and she wasn"t sure if that would work, but she"d be happy to see me Sunday. Given the circumstances, that"s understandable, it"s just bad timing.

shes fucking him.

Nah, I am confident that"s not the case.

Time to call Xerxes.

Ladies and gentleman, I do have pics of the ex"s tit"s, well kinda sorta. ill shoop later so you cant see face etc. I took them that night

She doesn"t realize she has feelings for Jay until she finds out he has a new girlfriend? Jealous bitch!

I basically said that I had suspected that was what was going on, and that I would have appreciated her letting me know sooner what was going on because it had been affecting our relationship negatively for awhile. She reiterated that it was only in the past couple days that she realized what exactly it was that was bothering her, and that she wanted to sort through things before talking to me about it. I was tempted to call her on only figuring it out in the past couple days. I mean, if I was upset about an old flame seeing someone new, why would I not be aware of the reason for being upset? That just didn"t make much sense to me, but she was getting pretty defensive about it and I let it lie.

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You were totally in the right here. She was getting defensive because she knew she was standing on quicksand. Going to sound cynical (though maybe not as cynical as some others), but you need to change mindsets from "excited about how this is going, looking to see it progress further" to "odds are this shit is fucked, let me enjoy it while it lasts (or not...), maybe, against all odds, things will get better".

Best of luck at any rate.

eomer said:

Coincidentally, the front fork of her bike started leaking oil that day and so she brought the bike in to get fixed on Monday, and ran in to Jay

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Coincidence my ass.

at which time she confronted him about the girl he was seeing, wanting to know why he had lied to her

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Haven"t talked to the guy in months and she gives a shit?

She didn"t want to go in to the details of that conversation with me

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Yeah. She"s been like this for a month? This isn"t adding up.

Anne has wanted a relationship with that other guy foryearsnow. Old habits die hard. She lied earlier when she said she was over him, I personally would have a rough time believing her now that she"s saying the same thing.

Sigh, Eomer. I really want to be an optimist for you, but reading all that gives me a sinking feeling and makes me go "".

Eomer said:

She does that "is that ok?" thing a ton. Whether it"s putting dishes in my dishwasher ("does that go there? Is that ok?") to whether it"s cool that she hangs out with her family during Folk Fest ("thanks for buying me a pass, is it okay if I spend some time with my family too?") she constantly asks me permission for damn near everything. It"s kind of weird.

I think I will just not respond to the email and call her tonight, and ask what the hell is going on.

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Unrelated to the present issue, which seems to be going better. I know you"ve talked before about she is "kinkier" then girls you are used to, but is she really sexually submissive? Subs don"t ask for permission because they think they need it (barring an all out M/s relationship), but because they get a little thrill out of being told what to do (even in non-sexual situations). You might consider reading up on that a little if you want this to go long term.

If you can stomach it, you might ask what kept her so attracted to Jay. It is possible he gave her what she wanted/needed in that regard. I"ve known subs to break up with really "nice" guys. Might be to personal, but it is the only area of relationships I feel comfortable giving advice in!