Kirun said:
So, chances are, you"re going to ignore any and all advice given here. Good luck, man! I can"t wait to see the ensuing train wreck.
I know it isn"t the smart move, but I don"t know if I can blame him. Everyone learns the hard way at least once, right?
I"ve posted a very short version of my own "learning experience" in a different context, but out of deference to Sola, I"ll post a medium length version for everyone"s amusement. It"s much different than his, but I took a bunch of shit before I figured out what was going on. Spoiled for text length.
Spoiler Alert, click show to read:When I finished college and moved to a new city, I didn"t have a lot of dating prospects. Probably because:
1) I worked for an engineering company, so not many ladies there and the few decent ones were hotly contested. I screwed up a few chances, but those are different stories. At least one I genuinely regret screwing up.
2) I was playing a shitload of Planes of Power (high five Sola)
3) The one friend-of-a-friend dating prospect I knew was bi (which I didn"t know at first) and she chose to date a girl instead of me
4) I"m not that inclined to meet new people
So after a long dating dry streak, I met a coworker"s friend at his party. We"ll fake name the coworker Jim and the girl Raging Cun... I mean Jane. Jane and I hit it off a bit, but I didn"t get her number. I felt dumb, I should have asked. A few weeks later, we coincidentally run into Jim and Jane downtown in a group. Jane is hammered, we chat some and I grow some balls and ask for her number. Apparently she was too drunk to recall it (lol), but told me to get it from Jim. Awkward. Probably a warning sign in retrospect. But I do anyway. Jim was engaged to his current wife, but didn"t bother to tell me at the time that Jane is a long term ex of his. That doesn"t really play into the story, except that it would have been nice of Jim to share some intel on her.
Jane and I go on several dates that seem to go well. We went to the same college undergrad, now she is finishing up law school. She always seems to have a full schedule, yet has plenty of time to talk on the phone (I hate talking on the phone). She calls me mostly to talk about herself for at least an hour a night, though she was "too busy" to hang out. I point out I could have driven down to her place, hung out for an hour, then gone home. She insists its somehow different talking on the phone. I notice selfish patterns in her behavior, how schedules revolve around her, phone conversations revolve around her, group conversations she joins become about her, etc. I look past it, assuming she"s busy and stressed from finishing up law school.
We both go to a party at Jim"s vacation house, but drove separately due to scheduling. She almost seems wary I am there, though we were both very aware the other would be there. We are not "official", yet if you are at a party with someone you are actively dating, one might expect you"d spend a lot of time with them. She proceeded to flirt with a bunch of other friends, some of whom looked very uncomfortable about it (it was known in the group we were dating). At the end of the night, she said she was "going to her room to sleep". The next day, she acted very weird. Couldn"t put my finger on it, but it was very strange. Kind of shell-shocked. I mistook it for a hang-over.
A few weeks (and numerous tiresome phone calls) later, I start picking up some interesting information. She"s dated a shitload of Jim"s friends after dating Jim. As I talk to them, it becomes clear it has gone VERY poorly every time.
More importantly, she tells me the night of the vacation house party, she had drunkenly staggered to the back room and demanded bed space from Jim"s roommate. Most guests were crashing on couches and such, there were only a couple of beds. According to her, they had drunk sex against her wishes. I eventually got both sides of the story and it seems it only became "against her wishes" when she woke up and realized how bad it made her look. The roommate was an ex, of course. She had gone off "to her room" happy and self-aware. If she was blackout drunk, I definitely could not tell. I would be shocked if it was anything more than morning-after regret.
At that point, I checked out of the relationship mentally. I did as little as possible to maintain it. I put on the cell headset & played games while she talked about herself on the phone. I was only "available" if I thought it might lead to something afterwards, etc. We did hook up a few times. It was pretty subpar, but I"d only had one other random fling during the dry streak, so I was content to accept blah at the time.
After a while, I got tired of the arrangement, as it was very unfulfilling listening to her talk about herself for an hour or more a night just to occasionally have a mediocre hook-up. I forget exactly what triggered it, but something she said irked me and I gave her the business about it. This made her very upset and she decided we needed to break up. She was already in the process of moving out of town at this point to her post-law school job (it wasn"t that far away, just enough to be somewhat inconvenient), so my response to "let"s break up" was "ok, no problem". This confused her GREATLY. I guess she thought I was really into it. I think she tried rekindling it a few times, but I stopped answering the phone after the first attempt. I saw her a few times at various things Jim hosted, including his wedding. It was pretty awkward.
The big payoff came a few years later. A number of my friends went to a party Jim had while I was out of town and Jane shows up with a fiance she met away from the normal group of friends. Apparently, she hadn"t been back for a party in a while. My friends tell me she got wasted, flirted hard with a bunch of the guys (like always) and kept asking about me WAY too longingly in front of her fiance. He was very displeased. They also said she put on some serious weight.
So the story ends with her fat and making some other dude"s life miserable. Haven"t seen her in years now (thankfully), though I still hang out with Jim some.
