Marriage and the Power of Divorce

Oblio_sl said:

I don't disagree with anything you said Gav. I just feel bad that CJ came here to vent with some hope of a little encouragement and it just seemed like everyone took their shitty Day/Week/Life out on him. It seemed to me that CJ was/is trying to make some positive changes in his life and maybe he is in a little over his head. Maybe he isn't equipped or hasn't learned the coping skills to get by day to day being sober.

He has a 9 month old and I really hope for that kids sake that that he gets his shit together long term and is a REAL Dad not some drunk cliche. And if there is any chance that a kind word from a stranger can help make that happen you can be sure I am more than happy to provide that kind word. I know this is the internet but it is the Adult Forum and CJ showed some real vulnerability which to me takes courage, but so many cynical people just shit on him. I am done with this for the night, because I need to read my kids some bed time stories, I will be back tomorrow.

Click to expand...

Nah. He was looking for support for his position. The problem is his position is "so I've been 'sober' for two months and my wife is a bitch!!!11"

1) I don't believe anything an alcoholic says
2) He's clearly looking for moral support (hello gateway to opening up a bottle)
3) He's demonstrates lack of judgement (he's an alcoholic with a newborn and he won't talk to a therapist because they have better things to do during sessions)

I've never seen an alcoholic reasoned out of their stances. If he wants to improve anything he's going to have to try harder, he has to literally rebuild his entire life because his wife only knows him as an alcoholic and either he still is or he isn't but that means he's an ENTIRELY new person.

I hate to be a dick but, well alcoholics deserve it and he's looking for sympathy in a bottle anyway.

Well the wife and I worked past her being mad at me the past couple of days. I get a lot of what is being cast at me. But a few of you are just being dicks. The truth hurts sometimes and I get that. I know that 2 months of sobriety isn't shit to a lot of people. You go through the same kind of problem and correct it for 2 months and you might feel differently though. As for the therapist, it's free through the Army and we have been twice. The main thing that we needed to work on outside of my drinking problem was communication. My wife and I are both college educated, not saying that someone who isn't is any less smart, but the therapist told us that she didn't really think that she needed to see us on a regular basis. We got what she was putting down the first time around. And it worked to some extent for a little while. Perhaps I blew things out of proportion or maybe I'm just letting things build up and it's going to be one colossal shit storm in one of our future arguments, but I think I just needed to vent and didn't want to do it on Facebook or any other social media platform so I just dropped it off here.

As far as alcoholics deserving to be treated like dicks or whatever was implied in one of the last posts, that's just you being a shitty person. You know nothing more about my life or anyone elses than what is posted here. You look at two months of sobriety and assume that I am going to start drinking again because I don't get any support from you? I don't deny the fact that I jones pretty bad for a drink quite often, but the way some of you think about alcoholism as a whole is kind of archaic. Like I said in the beginning, my wife and I patched things up for now so I don't need to make any more posts here in this thread. I would hope if I did so in the future though that it would still be honest and let me know what a dumb ass I'm being but also be a little more positive.

Last night she came out with the truth, we're separating and she applied as a live in caregiver for her mother to stay here, meanwhile I have until June 15th to get out and have everything solid to not lose my job.

Her mother was so excited about it she offered me a recliner chair for my own place. How nice of her :/

Hopefully I can sell my phinigel character and get a good chunk of cash for it or im going to be screwed.

Rhuma_sl said:

Last night she came out with the truth, we're separating and she applied as a live in caregiver for her mother to stay here, meanwhile I have until June 15th to get out and have everything solid to not lose my job.

Her mother was so excited about it she offered me a recliner chair for my own place. How nice of her :/

Hopefully I can sell my phinigel character and get a good chunk of cash for it or im going to be screwed.

Click to expand...

So you work a ton already and are currently also supporting your wife and you're just separating. Have you already been court ordered to pay alimony to her in some form that would screw you or is it just that you have a bunch of other debts and can't really afford a place to live at all at the moment?

Khane_sl said:

So you work a ton already and are currently also supporting your wife and you're just separating. Have you already been court ordered to pay alimony to her in some form that would screw you or is it just that you have a bunch of other debts and can't really afford a place to live at all at the moment?

Click to expand...

No debt at all, just she literally blew most of the money I had saved last week on stupid shit.

I have $500 to my name, I'll get paid next week but my check is only going to be around $600 for 2 weeks due to not working 2 1/2 days, next paycheck I get will have memorial day holiday pay so should be around $900.

I'll have, without spending a dime (not really possible due) $2000

Hopefully I can find some 1 bedroom trailer or something for $600 a month, electric, security deposit.

Then I need a pos car for around $1000 that hopefully runs + insurance + registration.

Im thinking around 1400 for a place and $1300 for a car. $2700.

So I'm short quite a bit, in fact a whole paycheck at the best.

So yeah, I'm sweating a bit. My job is out in the fucking sticks due to amazons massive land size needs for a 30 football fields in size warehouse and no busses to ride.

What state do you live in?

Rhuma_sl said:

Last night she came out with the truth, we're separating and she applied as a live in caregiver for her mother to stay here, meanwhile I have until June 15th to get out and have everything solid to not lose my job.

Her mother was so excited about it she offered me a recliner chair for my own place. How nice of her :/

Hopefully I can sell my phinigel character and get a good chunk of cash for it or im going to be screwed.

Click to expand...

I'm pretty sure you have at bare minimum 30 days before you have to leave the house, unless your state has incredibly draconian tenant laws.

Rhuma_sl said:

So yeah, I'm sweating a bit. My job is out in the fucking sticks due to amazons massive land size needs for a 30 football fields in size warehouse and no busses to ride.

Click to expand...

Work on the car first. If worse comes to worse, you can get a gym membership at a big chain for 30-40 bucks for the month, sleep in your car and shower there for a month until you can save up for the apartment. Can you pick up extra time in work (If you're sleeping in your car, you may as well be working)?

CalhoonJugganaut_sl said:

Well the wife and I worked past her being mad at me the past couple of days. I get a lot of what is being cast at me. But a few of you are just being dicks. The truth hurts sometimes and I get that. I know that 2 months of sobriety isn't shit to a lot of people. You go through the same kind of problem and correct it for 2 months and you might feel differently though. As for the therapist, it's free through the Army and we have been twice. The main thing that we needed to work on outside of my drinking problem was communication. My wife and I are both college educated, not saying that someone who isn't is any less smart, but the therapist told us that she didn't really think that she needed to see us on a regular basis. We got what she was putting down the first time around. And it worked to some extent for a little while. Perhaps I blew things out of proportion or maybe I'm just letting things build up and it's going to be one colossal shit storm in one of our future arguments, but I think I just needed to vent and didn't want to do it on Facebook or any other social media platform so I just dropped it off here.

As far as alcoholics deserving to be treated like dicks or whatever was implied in one of the last posts, that's just you being a shitty person. You know nothing more about my life or anyone elses than what is posted here. You look at two months of sobriety and assume that I am going to start drinking again because I don't get any support from you? I don't deny the fact that I jones pretty bad for a drink quite often, but the way some of you think about alcoholism as a whole is kind of archaic. Like I said in the beginning, my wife and I patched things up for now so I don't need to make any more posts here in this thread. I would hope if I did so in the future though that it would still be honest and let me know what a dumb ass I'm being but also be a little more positive.

Click to expand...

It is only very, very, rarely positive.

The best you can really hope for is snarky but fair.

Every now and then the hivemind is in a good mood and nice to someone. But I'd say a good 3/4 of the time the advice comes with a healthy dose of "lol @ u". Because "lol @ u" is actually part of the advice.

Twilight Sparkle_sl said:

I'm pretty sure you have at bare minimum 30 days before you have to leave the house, unless your state has incredibly draconian tenant laws.

Click to expand...

I think June 15th was the 30 days.

Rhuma I ask what state you live in because I was going to look at the HUD website. You should go to the HUD site specific to your state and see what kind of assistance they offer to people in your position (and it's usually a fair amount of assistance).

Here's the overview rental assistance page but look specifically for your state:
Rental Assistance/U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development (HUD)

You probably should have gone to HUD in the first place rather than going to your wife's mother's but I know that your wife probably would have fought that from the sounds of it. Because you have kids you should be in a good position to be able to find a place (maybe not an ideal place, but at least a place) with little to no money up front but you're going to have to make some calls and find out exactly what is available.

That should give you more room for cash to buy the car you need.

I appreciate all the help, there is an apartment complex for families near my work I found on that website, I left a message on their voice-mail so we will see how that goes, probably out to lunch or something.

Today has been pretty shitty, walk through the house and nobody even acknowledges i exist, when just a couple days ago everything was dandy...

Living with someone after a break up is really depressing.

I contacted my mother for help, she will give me a call later tonight, so maybe I can get some help dealing with everything, we haven't been on good terms in years, mainly due to her crazy religious beliefs.

Having 3 kids and not being married was a big fucking ordeal, now it doesn't seem do bad eh?

Thankfully I do have a good job right now or I would be really fucked and I need to keep it in mind.

Im sure everything will work out in the end but everything hit me all at once and I wasn't prepared to deal with this on top of everything else.

Being with someone for almost a decade and then overnight you're alone and need to figure everything out for yourself is a mind fuck.

Her biggest problem with me is that I obviously enjoy gaming and while I thought I was making time for her and the kids it wasnt enough, she wanted me to completely stop, which is something I don't want to do. I'm sure a lot of guys on this forum can relate, it's broken up more marriages and relationships that I can even imagine.

I made time for them and will admit in the past I went overboard. We talked about this the last time we were contemplating splitting up and we came to an agreement that while I could never give up what I enjoy doing that I would actively make time for them everyday and not be cooped up in the house all week long. So we ended up going bowling, fishing, beach days, cooking out at least once a week, on my days off. Unfortunately that wasnt enough, which doesn't make much sense to me, when every problem she had with me was actively being worked on and still she wants out, I can't do any better and there's simply nothing I can do or say to change her mind so she can never say I didn't try.

Cad_sl said:

Rhuma who owns the car you're driving now?

Click to expand...

She does.

Khane_sl said:

What state do you live in?

Click to expand...

I live in Florida by the way.

Rhuma_sl said:

I live in Florida by the way.

Click to expand...

This explains everything.

Maybe I'm the wrong person to give any advice given my problems. Your problems seem a lot like mine though. Chances are you don't piss in closets or on random appliances in a kitchen after hours of playing a video game. I know where you are coming from though, especially now. My cousin was one of the top 2 warriors in EQ before he quit because he was going to lose absolutely everything. To me, losing everything includes your kids, family, house, whatever kind of something you have any equity in. He had to stop playing video games altogether. I mean to get to the point that you are the 2nd best warrior in EverQuest back in it's hayday...you gotta be putting in some hours.

You seem kind of like me and I'lll have to go back and read over everything but sometimes people just marry the wrong person. I may have done that myself, but I think it's something that you have to work out and try to talk out until it's something that can't improve any further. Once that happens, you seem like a smart person, you just gotta figure everything out from there. That is no easy task I know, but if there is any room at all to patch things up and you have seen in the past or can see now some kind of future that allows you to do everything as a husband and father that you wan to accomplish in life then by all means try to repair what you can. Sometimes you just can't though. If that's the case just do the best that you can to be positive and irritate the situation with any anger you might have about it. I got nothing beyond that, but I think you will make the best decision on your own anyways and it shouldn't be too hard to go from there once you get accustomed to whatever you got planned out for your next move and you start working on that.

Theres always patching things up, the girl one day is taking about marriage locations and the next wanting me to pack my shit. I have no doubt in my mind she will want to get back together when reality starts to sink in that I won't be there.

For years I've taken her shit, always come crawling back begging for another chance. She knows that she can say and do whatever she wants and always have me there to be her pet.

Life is hard, extremely hard and unforgiving. It's only a matter of time before her family can't support her anymore. Bumming cigarettes and paying phone bills. If I'm not here to provide she will find someone else to do it, unfortunately that is reality,there's a line of dudes eager to be her superman just to get a piece of ass and that has been the driving force behind putting up with this shit for so long.

The thought of her fucking another guy just eats me alive, my children being around some fuck head to go down that path of "stepping up" and be their "new dad" that comes with being with a girl with kids.

I know, I was that guy 8 years ago and the truth is, nobody can replace their real dad, inevitably that was what ruined my prior relationship I had before I met my current situation.

I was with a girl who had a 7 year old boy, he had hidden a picture of his real dad under his bed and would look at it and talk to the picture at night when nobody was around. That experience had a lot to do with what I'm dealing with now, I know in my heart she shouldnt take this lightly but I can't make her be a different person.

I will always be there for my kids, no matter what.

Cad_sl said:

Ok. How does she own anything when you're the one that works?

Click to expand...

Her grandmother gave her the car a few years ago, after she totaled her last car that was given to her by her mother. Before that she was given $30k and bought a scion brand new off the lot, which she totaled.

Everything she has was given to her.

This broad is a goddamn menace on the roads.