Marriage and the Power of Divorce

Moonarchia_sl said:

Onoes, just visit a lawyer. If you work for a decently sized company that may even be a benefit you have ready to be used. You're already paying out a lot of money as is, just do this to cap it by making it formal. Things may be going well now, but you need that CYA in place for when things go bad. And they will, that's just the law of averages.

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Yeah, seeing a lawyer is on my agenda. I work for an Indian tribe, I do not have benefits like that.

As far as the talk of income, and food stamps, I'm guessing that's a regional thing? Close to 30% of the population here falls below the poverty line (I just checked) with an average income between 22k and 34k per HOUSEHOLD. So, if I talk about doing well, its doing well here. My x is right on the line, hence why she doesn't qualify if she can't claim the kids. I make roughly double what she does, but I'm a long way from 100+k. I'm a freaking IT guy in a small town with no degree, I'm very lucky to be where I am.

There is a lot of talk from people who don't seem to know much about how divorce works as well. All this talk of me having notes on looseleaf paper... um no, it's all typed up in the divorce decree the court had to read and either approve or throw out. When you get a divorce the judge walks through each and every thing there, it is then court ordered. It's not like we just made up a bunch of stuff.

As far as the "Why would a court let a person on food stamps have custody" what? Really? Again, almost 1 in 3 families here are on food stamps, so that's not really a factor. I can't even imagine it would be in a big city. Love your kids but can't find a job? Sorry, you don't get to see them. That's not the way it works. Having more money than the other parent doesn't make you a better parent.

As for the house, yes, it's awarded to me in the divorce decree. The decree then states that she will make a reasonable effort to have herself removed from the deed within 6 months. It wasn't until we tried to do that that we found out its more complicated than just signing away her rights, I have to refinance the house. As I explained earlier, I'm looking into that as well. This is the area I'm concerned with right now, as she could probably refuse to sign or something if she is upset with me, and we would have to go back to court. I feel its unlikely she would, and even if she did, I would expect the court to still uphold its previous ruling, but who knows.

That's one of the reasons I need to go talk to a lawyer I suppose. Do I carry on with child support like I've been doing until the house goes through, or do I just change the child support up now and hope that doesn't piss her off? I want to lean towards get the house finalized first, which is why I came here to ask.

There is no chance of her doing anything in the next month either, she leaves in a week for a 2 week trip to Oregon with her family. School will be starting for the kids a couple weeks after that, and her work schedule is super inflexible, while mine is not. So, she relies on me handling all of that, and is super appreciative during that time. Also, we're just on great terms right now. I'm sure that will get some added friction when I tell her no to signing a document for her food stamps thing, but meh, I don't see her lawyering up in the near future. (Her friend lives in another city, and is going through a divorce herself right now, which probably explains a lot of the fuck men attitude she seems to be passing on. Anyway, don't see her having a bunch of free time any time soon.)

I feel.. expect.. assume..

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Every single angle that you're pondering here, you need to be paying a lawyer to clarify yesterday. Unplug from the nice-guy matrix and let your lawyer navigate today. Don't procrastinate.

I'll let everyone else beat you up about protecting yourself against the X... however, I will just say this: Not insuring your kids is a potential catastrophic disease away from complete and total bankruptcy. Forget your wife taking you to the cleaners... that will be buying an ice cream cone for a nickle compared to the 10-18 million that something like childhood cancer would cost. Yeah family plans are stupid expensive no matter where you get it from, but in the end anything that requires any kind of hospital stay will dwarf the money you would pay monthly to insure them.

Why are you paying any child support at all with 50-50 custody ?

Did I read correctly that you and your wife choose giving her $3000 pocket money instead of health insurance for your children?

Nester_sl said:

Why are you paying any child support at all with 50-50 custody ?

Did I read correctly that you and your wife choose giving her $3000 pocket money instead of health insurance for your children?

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50-50 can still require child support to help level out their situation between the two households. At least, that's the reasoning. How it plays out doesn't always match.

Onoes will have to clarify, but I read it as they elected to keep the state health insurance which cost Onoes money on taxes, and her trying to welch on the agreed partial repayment that made the deal slightly less terrible for him. Though Onoes did seem awfully willing to lapse the kids' insurance on the whole, which is troubling.

And since I didn't mention it before, under no circumstances should you sign a document, Onoes, that gives your wife majority custody without consulting an attorney.

The real question is why is he paying child support under the table.

ZyyzYzzy_sl said:

He's not, he writes notes on his checks!

Seriously though, his actions are the textbook example of what not to do.

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I knew a guy that I worked with that thought he was so smart. He and his wife claimed they were separated and had different addresses. They claimed she lived with her parents and he had an apartment. This way their income was setup in such a way that she got extreme government financial assistance for her and the kids while they actually were living together (and together, not separated).

They ended up getting caught and had to pay some pretty steep fines and they faced jail time too. I think the judge was lenient because one of the kids is physically deformed and extremely handicapped.

Just not a good idea to participate in this subversion of the law.

I have to say, and probably a surprise to no one, I kinda agree with Oonoes. Lawyers aren't magical. Hiring one will not instantly close out his risk. Oonoes should have went through the court for child support. He knows that now. What exact change in the divorce decree do you think the lawyer is going to be able to elicit that will close out the rest of his risk? ( I am in no way suggesting Oonoes shouldn't consult with a lawyer)

You're right lawyers aren't magical. They are professional experts that know way more about this than you or I.

There are people you meet in life where you can clearly see them racing face first into a wall. You can plead with them to veer right, pump the breaks, hit the eject button-- it doesn't matter. Some people just insist on making bad choices.

Onoes and Wormie clearly made themselves part of that camp within their first few relationship issue posts.

Onoes' potential fatal flaw is always believing "it will all work out OK". It's good to stay positive, but it is reckless to let that positivity undermine your security. Like believing your kids will be OK and therefore not insuring them, or believing you can participate in state assistance fraud and they won't notice/hold you responsible.

wormie's case was a little different. Some people just aren't cut out for marriage and he seems like one of em. Gotta live your life.

Jesus fucking christ get your kids on health insurance.