Marriage and the Power of Divorce

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chaos

chaos

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Deathwing said:
I would say "I don't want to be around that stuff" if I felt that would actually happen. And by "stuff", I mean I don't want any needlepoints in my house, no bumper stickers on my car, no magnets on my fridge, no tshirts on my son, and no preferred pronouns in my conversations.

I get your take, I really do. The amount of effort to call a few people by their preferred pronouns is so close to zero that it's meaningless. But it's also dangerous appeasement. Just see the above for what else it has been allowed to slip in because it's just water under the bridge. Where and when do you put your foot down?
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I mean, dangerous appeasement? A bit hyperbolic maybe? It doesn't sound like any of this actually affects you, you just don't like it. Which is valid, you don't have to like it or accept it. But are you really fighting the culture wars in your home because your wife wanted to keep a needlepoint that her friend made her? idk, my wife has all kinds of opinions I don't agree with, friends I don't like. If your expectation is that you'll never be confronted by an objectionable opinion, man, I don't know what to tell you.

In this particular situation, you could have just bowed out or something, but instead chose confrontation and then lament over the impact of that confrontation. If it were me, I'd just think about that, and then decide what I needed to do to resolve it.
 
Deathwing

Deathwing

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You don't see using your kids as billboards for ideology as dangerous?

I expect to be confronted. I *want* to be confronted. Change my fucking mind. Expose me to viewpoints and ideas I haven't considered. People that hold opinions and aren't able/willing to back them up are loathsome. I would have so much more respect for my wife if after a 2 hour fight, she managed to change my mind on a some subject. Instead it usually ends with her crying because I said some hurty words and both parties retreat back to their respective camps. It's pathetic.
 
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chaos

chaos

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Deathwing said:
You don't see using your kids as billboards for ideology as dangerous?

I expect to be confronted. I *want* to be confronted. Change my fucking mind. Expose me to viewpoints and ideas I haven't considered. People that hold opinions and aren't able/willing to back them up are loathsome. I would have so much more respect for my wife if after a 2 hour fight, she managed to change my mind on a some subject. Instead it usually ends with her crying because I said some hurty words and both parties retreat back to their respective camps. It's pathetic.
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Ok, if she's having your kid wear a shirt with some message you don't agree with, then address that directly, It's your kid, too. No, I don't see that as dangerous, because I'm missing the context, I don't remember you saying anything about your kid in a shirt, but even then, it's a shirt. It's your kid. Seems like this would be a pretty easy thing to handle.

Dude, I say this as a bro, that whole second paragraph just sounds like if I were to try and define "toxic relationship".
 
Deathwing

Deathwing

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Well, yeah, no kidding. That's why I've been mentioning divorce the last few times I've posted regarding my marriage.

The shirt thing was relatively easy to handle. I got it to stop but she said I bullied her and then tried to weasle her way back into dressing him again because she thought I meant no more new shirts.
 
Foler

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Deathwing said:
She hangs a LOT of stuff on the walls. Usually, I'm grateful because I decorate like a man. But it also makes it hard to notice the bullshit. She honestly doesn't see "Fuck the Patriarchy" as confrontational. One of her counterpoints was that no one has said anything about yet :rolleyes:
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Except for you, her husband...
 
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chaos

chaos

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Deathwing said:
Well, yeah, no kidding. That's why I've been mentioning divorce the last few times I've posted regarding my marriage.

The shirt thing was relatively easy to handle. I got it to stop but she said I bullied her and then tried to weasle her way back into dressing him again because she thought I meant no more new shirts.
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What did the shirt say that was objectionable?
 
Deathwing

Deathwing

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This is what a feminist looks like.

To be fair, the specific ideology is not the point. Do not ascribe your children to movements or ideas that they cannot comprehend the full weight. This is no different than baptism.
 
chaos

chaos

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Deathwing said:
This is what a feminist looks like.

To be fair, the specific ideology is not the point. Do not ascribe your children to movements or ideas that they cannot comprehend the full weight. This is no different than baptism.
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Idk man, that seems like a pretty innocuous shirt. I guess you know your wife best, you'd know better than me whether she was acutally on some kind of indoctrination trip vs just repeating mantras of equality or whatever.

All of the stuff you have described, to me, seem like insignificant things. But they're clearly super important to you. The only view we have into your relationship is whenever you decide to post and only what you decide to post. But it sounds miserable, for everyone.
 
Gavinmad

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chaos said:
Idk man, that seems like a pretty innocuous shirt.
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pw1l4.jpg
 
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chaos

chaos

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Gavinmad said:
pw1l4.jpg
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yeah yeah yeah
at the risk or inviting a verbal assault by Lithose, outside the outrage class people do still use the word "feminist" in the more traditional form. He's talked about his wife a bit, she doesn't strike me as someone who wants all men to die and thinks maleness = rape.
 
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Cad

Cad

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Deathwing said:
This is what a feminist looks like.

To be fair, the specific ideology is not the point. Do not ascribe your children to movements or ideas that they cannot comprehend the full weight. This is no different than baptism.
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I wouldn't let that shirt be put on my kids. We will not be doing any immature mind brainwashing in this house.

If someone has preferred pronouns I'm happy to listen to them, and I will call them by the pronouns that the language calls for. Don't like it, get the fuck out of my house.

Lastly, cutting objectionable and shitty people out of your life rather than putting up with it is part of growing up. Nobody will be on their deathbed saying I should have been more tolerant to militant progressives. Live a happy life however you see fit, because at the end of it this is all you're going to have man.
 
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iannis

iannis

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I'd basically just be an asshole to the dude.

If he's so deep that he's chosen personal pronouns it would not be difficult to trigger him and then laugh while he gets prissy. I would also not accommodate religious practices in my house that I found objectionable. I will not be lectured to in my own home. If that means I sit in my house alone, I am perfectly content with that. In most cases I prefer it.

I get where deathwing is coming from. Tolerance can become a vice.

I couldn't be happy in a,marriage like that. Wish I had some action plan for you, but I dont.
 
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Foler

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iannis said:
I'd basically just be an asshole to the dude.

If he's so deep that he's chosen personal pronouns it would not be difficult to trigger him and then laugh while he gets prissy. I would also not accommodate religious practices in my house that I found objectionable. I will not be lectured to in my own home. If that means I sit in my house alone, I am perfectly content with that. In most cases I prefer it.

I get where deathwing is coming from. Tolerance can become a vice.

I couldn't be happy in a,marriage like that. Wish I had some action plan for you, but I dont.
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So you wouldn't let your Muslim neighbor wash his feet in your kitchen sink then bust out his prayer rug in your living room when the call to prayer comes on during dinner?

Wow bro, way to not be tolerant. That's gotta be super awkward for you hosting dinner.
 
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Hoss

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A well adjusted man would just say "no" to the pronoun thing and carry on. If it's important to the wierdo, he can sit with you on the porch with a beer and convince you.

If you wanna have fun and they get insistent, tell them they are microagressing you and you don't allow those in your house.
 
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Big Phoenix

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Deathwing said:
her concern was very little about the message and mostly that her friend made it for her.
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Not a good sign your partner is more concerned about offending other people than offending you.

At this point I dont see how you have anything to lose by simply telling her she ends all this nonsense and comes back to reality or you are divorcing her. Give her a come to jesus moment. Not worth living another 30-40 years dealing with this. Your kids are picking up on all this, they are absorbing every conversation they over hear your wife having.
 
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Kirun

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Big Phoenix said:
Not a good sign your partner is more concerned about offending other people than offending you.
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1000x this. It basically shows that she has lost all respect for you. This is the beginning of the end of any relationship I've ever been involved in.
 
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chaos

chaos

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iannis said:
I'd basically just be an asshole to the dude.

If he's so deep that he's chosen personal pronouns it would not be difficult to trigger him and then laugh while he gets prissy. I would also not accommodate religious practices in my house that I found objectionable. I will not be lectured to in my own home. If that means I sit in my house alone, I am perfectly content with that. In most cases I prefer it.

I get where deathwing is coming from. Tolerance can become a vice.

I couldn't be happy in a,marriage like that. Wish I had some action plan for you, but I dont.
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y tho?
The pronoun stuff is silly, for sure. But it's just a friend of his wife's, why be an asshole to him purposely and make their already rocky relationship worse? No one's lecturing him in his house. Why is this the hill to burn down a marriage over? It isn't as if the wife is like "call me xhe". idk man, I don't get it. I grew up in West Texas as a super liberal dude pretty much my whole life, then joined the military, I've always been surrounded by people who disagreed with me politically, sometimes vehemently. Even when I was super into politics for those few (dark...) years, this just seems like a pretty severe and persistent overreaction to me. Not to delegitimize his feelings or whatever gay shit we're supposed to say, people feel how they feel. It just seems to me like a series of small disagreements getting blown up.
 
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iannis

iannis

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Cause at heart i'm just a curmudgeonly asshole, mostly.

It's the in my house part that triggers me. My house IS my safe space. You want to talk about that out back in the yard we can have a civil conversation. It might even be a productive conversation. they are, very rarely, but sometimes it happens. You step past the treshold and annoy me i'm just going to be a dick about it until you give me an excuse to boot you out. Or figgure out not to poke me.

I'll give as good as I get. There are times when I have to bite my tongue and make my excuses because it's not the time or place to go picking a fight. It's how we keep the peace. Inside my house is always the time and place though.

I know what you're saying and I don't think it's stupid. I'm not that good a Christian, bro.

It's a part of co-habitating that has always been a source of trouble for me. If I think her friends are stupid it's a big who cares. I think plenty of people are stupid regardless of the veracity of that opinion. It's when he friends come over and start being stupid while i'm eating dinner that has historically resulted in me being the asshole.
 
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