Marriage and the Power of Divorce

Kithani

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Izo said:
Mmm. Over here in northern eurocuckistan you need 2 incomes as the norm for a house and family with kids. Stay at home moms is not a thing in general. It matters greatly if your spouse is a slob / made stupid education choices with poor lifetime income. Add progressive tax brackets, house taxes, 180% taxes on cars etc. It all adds up.
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Wait the internet had me believe Northern Europe was some paradise where you all ride trains to work and get 5 years off everytime you have a kid while living in the house your great great grandpappy handed down to you

TBF it also matters a lot if you marry a slob who made dumb educational/life choices in the USA too
 
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sleevedraw

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Hoss said:
I don't understand. What does a prenup have to do with death? That's a will. And why wouldn't savings and investments go to your spouse if you die?
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Prenups can have death clauses. We used a template. We have it set up such that it basically says "house immediately passes to spouse, else refer to the will."

His parents are poor and in China, so if they are still alive, they get a larger proportion of his assets than I do.
 
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Hoss

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Izo said:
Mmm. Over here in northern eurocuckistan you need 2 incomes as the norm for a house and family with kids. Stay at home moms is not a thing in general. It matters greatly if your spouse is a slob / made stupid education choices with poor lifetime income. Add progressive tax brackets, house taxes, 180% taxes on cars etc. It all adds up.
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A lotta people think single income families won't work here in the US either. But they are wrong. They can't comprehend all the money they can save with a person running the home full time and not incurring work expenses.
 
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moonarchia

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Koushirou said:
All of our friends have been getting married, having kids, etc. which is all normal. The weird part is none of them were religious and suddenly every single one of them is not just religious but like…deep religious, born again Christian type shit. Was just back up to go to another friends’ wedding a few weeks ago and yet another suddenly weirdly religious ceremony where there was no hint of that from that friend before. And some mystery wife no one knows that felt like some arranged through the church style marriage. And at the same time find out another friend who had a very successful developer job at 1Password and was high up in the local fire department for over a decade is just giving it all up and selling his house to go move to go to seminary for like 7 years. Again, not a hint of religion from the guy before. I hope everyone’s happy and I’m not trying to judge, but it is fucking weird and it just sort of hit my husband and I that suddenly it’s like our friends are strangers out of nowhere. Personalities changed and everything.

Husband and I are also both completely miserable at our jobs, though I at least get paid enough to justify it. He’s completely depressed at this point; doesn’t enjoy anything anymore, been trying to just hang out with him and keep him company because he can’t even enjoy gaming like he usually does. I don’t really know how to help; what other career can he even transition to from teaching special ed that isn’t just another dumpster fire teaching job?
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This is a pretty common outcome of midlife crisis. That's one of those periods when you actually stare down existential issues. People who can't function without an external order will usually succumb to one of the various active mythologies with a gusto. Abdicate self responsibility and critical thinking to the cult and drown yourself in the rituals and social paraphernalia.
 
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C

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Izo said:
What do your wives do, and what's an acceptable pay/contribution gap/ratio to you guys?
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My wife makes parity to 75% more than I do depending on how my business performs in a given year. I do fine, but she runs an AI/Data Science department and that shit is obviously hot now. At various times that ratio has been reversed. Everything goes into a joint account and always has. I brought some assets into the relationship and she had student debt, but she's earned more so far. That's great because it's allowed me to be more entrepreneurial.

She shops and cooks. I clean and do maintenance, finances, and taxes. I tend to do more with the kids because my schedule is more flexible. We both work from home so we can be present in family life. We have almost zero friction because we have basically identical outlooks on money and life priorities. (Otherwise I wouldn't have married her.)

We'll have been together 20 years next spring. Kids are 12 and 9 and seem to be turning out as well as we could have hoped for. 10/10 would do it again.
 
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McCheese

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Koushirou said:
Husband and I are also both completely miserable at our jobs, though I at least get paid enough to justify it. He’s completely depressed at this point; doesn’t enjoy anything anymore, been trying to just hang out with him and keep him company because he can’t even enjoy gaming like he usually does. I don’t really know how to help; what other career can he even transition to from teaching special ed that isn’t just another dumpster fire teaching job?
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Teaching adults is an option. All the fun parts of teaching with none of the public school system bullshit. He could teach the classes for future educators doing certifications (child development, methodology, etc.) or something tangentially related like ESL. Look at nearby universities or community colleges for adjunct teaching openings. It's easy to teach an evening class once or twice a week to see if it's something he's interested in. At worst make some extra money and remind himself what he enjoyed about teaching.

Someone else mentioned corporate training. Teaching adults for a while gives good experience to get into the professional development/corporate training field too, which can be really lucrative.
 
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Chanur

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Koushirou said:
He’s 35. I have no idea what he wants to do anymore and I don’t think he has one either. Biggest hobby he has is mixology: he enjoys infusing alcohol, coming up with new cocktails, he’ll bartend for neighborhood parties. Not sure if that becoming a job will suck the fun out of it for him but I’ve told him to start applying to the local distillery near us at least. Financially though, I don’t feel like that’s going to be much better than his teacher salary…and we’re comfortable but just barely…
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Something to also consider is if Trump wins he may make drastic changes to the DoE. He has said something's about it. I know my friend got out of teaching because of the regimented rules that don't actually allow it. That could make things better for your hubby depending on why he is in his teaching slump.
 
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Cad

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Izo said:
What do your wives do, and what's an acceptable pay/contribution gap/ratio to you guys?
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I'm a lot less concerned about what my wife makes and a lot more concerned about what she spends. My wife is very frugal and is great at saving money and finding deals, which is hilarious because we are pretty flush (especially with the market this year). She still buys stuff on sale and looks at the grocery store ads. She makes about 1/2 what I make, but we have always had joint accounts since we got married so there's no mine or hers, it's just ours.
 
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Cad

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sleevedraw said:
Prenups can have death clauses. We used a template. We have it set up such that it basically says "house immediately passes to spouse, else refer to the will."

His parents are poor and in China, so if they are still alive, they get a larger proportion of his assets than I do.
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I'm not a wills and trusts expert but I would consult one on your prenup death clause. Especially if it is something that has to go through probate, the will is likely going to control. If you did already and its legit, then great. But I would pay a good consult fee to make sure thats working how you want it to work.
 
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Izo

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Cad said:
I'm a lot less concerned about what my wife makes and a lot more concerned about what she spends. My wife is very frugal and is great at saving money and finding deals, which is hilarious because we are pretty flush (especially with the market this year). She still buys stuff on sale and looks at the grocery store ads. She makes about 1/2 what I make, but we have always had joint accounts since we got married so there's no mine or hers, it's just ours.
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Cool. But surely a lawyer has a prenup, right?
 
Cad

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Izo said:
Cool. But surely a lawyer has a prenup, right?
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No, I was not a lawyer when I got married or even going to law school or thinking about being a lawyer. Also had nothing to protect when I got married anyway.
 
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TomServo

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No, I was not a lawyer when I got married or even going to law school or thinking about being a lawyer. Also had nothing to protect when I got married anyway.
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And also you're not a bitter loser living out a hollow existence trolling people for a brief dopamine hit. Us "Humans" want to find connection, find the risk of hurt from total connectedness to be part of the deal, and thus shock live our lives.
 
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Bandwagon

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Izo said:
Mmm. Over here in northern eurocuckistan you need 2 incomes as the norm for a house and family with kids. Stay at home moms is not a thing in general. It matters greatly if your spouse is a slob / made stupid education choices with poor lifetime income. Add progressive tax brackets, house taxes, 180% taxes on cars etc. It all adds up.
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Speaking of which, my new sister in law is a sped teacher and her husband WAS a teacher, but he's going to school now to get his masters in librarian studies or something. Totally serious.

All of them swear up and down that it's a valid career path with plenty of $$$ opportunities because "....it has more to do with database architecture than being a librarian." To be honest, I have no f'ing idea but it sounds like a bunch of bullshit to me.
 
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Izo

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Bandwagon said:
Speaking of which, my new sister in law is a sped teacher and her husband WAS a teacher, but he's going to school now to get his masters in librarian studies or something. Totally serious.

All of them swear up and down that it's a valid career path with plenty of $$$ opportunities because "....it has more to do with database architecture than being a librarian." To be honest, I have no f'ing idea but it sounds like a bunch of bullshit to me.
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https://www.ala.org/educationcareers/libcareers/become said:
According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, the median annual wage of librarians in 2023 was $64,370 per year. The Bureau of Labor Statistics has also reported that librarian employment is expected to grow by 3 percent between 2022 and 2032.
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Looks like diversity work. Thumbs high.
 
Hoss

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Bandwagon said:
Speaking of which, my new sister in law is a sped teacher and her husband WAS a teacher, but he's going to school now to get his masters in librarian studies or something. Totally serious.

All of them swear up and down that it's a valid career path with plenty of $$$ opportunities because "....it has more to do with database architecture than being a librarian." To be honest, I have no f'ing idea but it sounds like a bunch of bullshit to me.
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Maybe it's like when I was a kid and you had to take typing to learn programming. The 30 year typing teacher taught all the programming classes.
 
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Noodleface

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Bandwagon said:
Speaking of which, my new sister in law is a sped teacher and her husband WAS a teacher, but he's going to school now to get his masters in librarian studies or something. Totally serious.

All of them swear up and down that it's a valid career path with plenty of $$$ opportunities because "....it has more to do with database architecture than being a librarian." To be honest, I have no f'ing idea but it sounds like a bunch of bullshit to me.
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I know exactly one person that did this path and they make out pretty well considering they're just a librarian.
 
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