Marriage and the Power of Divorce

Palum · 2025-03-20T15:06:14-0400

OU Ariakas said:
My guy, do you read this before you post it? Do you have children? He is understandably concerned about what seems to be a poor decision made by two young adults that do not have the life experience to properly evaluate the consequences of a decision. It is especially weird when he made ALL of the decisions for her over a 14-18 year period in order to give her the best chance to *not* make poorly thought out decisions. Cut him some slack.

I was cutting him some slack. He's trying to decide if he should convince her to drop her relationship rather than providing counsel.

Tarrant · 2025-03-20T15:09:08-0400

Blazin said:
I at no time said I didn't want her to marry him and my expectations are high. It's not financially a good decision, he is a good dude and I support him from a character point of view. He wants to go to graduate school after service, so now we are talking about being mid 30s and you are just getting going? That is below my expectations, I was a millionare debt free by my 30s. I want a guy who works his ass off to provide and the young man energy is at it's peak right now for him.

It's natural to want the best for your kid, truly. But I don't see anything in their plan that you've shared that's terrible. I think you expecting him to be a millionaire by 30 is a bit much personally, but I get it. Nothing you've shared though screams pump the breaks IMO.

Blazin · 2025-03-20T15:10:08-0400

Palum said:
I was cutting him some slack. He's trying to decide if he should convince her to drop her relationship rather than providing counsel.

I at no time was considering convincing her to drop the relationship. You might want to bow out of this one man, I won't be responding to any further silliness, thanks for the input though. I'll just assume your communications skill suck and pretend you posted "Valuing service is a good positive than can offset potential downsides"

moonarchia · 2025-03-20T15:11:38-0400

Control said:
That sounds like a great way for your wife to end up resenting you forever once she finds out

Yup, obviously he should be having the adult conversation with her and just tell her he's doing it because he doesn't want anymore kids. You know this. I know this. He knows this.

Blazin · 2025-03-20T15:13:30-0400

Tarrant said:
It's natural to want the best for your kid, truly. But I don't see anything in their plan that you've shared that's terrible. I think you expecting him to be a millionaire by 30 is a bit much personally, but I get it. Nothing you've shared though screams pump the breaks IMO.

My daughter is already considerably ahead of my NW path so I don't know that it is unfounded but I understand your point. My sticking point is if he considering that she would do it for him not because it's something she "wants". She worked really hard to get through school and get the job that she has, it's not a small thing to give up. She has often talked about wanting children earlier than later, that's not a small thing to give up either.

TJT · 2025-03-20T15:14:31-0400

Blazin said:
That she loves him and wants to support him and that it would "only be 4 years" . I'm not sure that part is even true, I'd have to some digging depending on which MOS i believe some of the officer positions they want more than 4. He comes from a military family and there is high family pressure for military service, his father just passed away rather suddenly and it seems to have solidified his feeling that he must do this

She has to be real comfortable with the idea of him staying in longer than 4. I know a good number of dudes reaching their 20 year mark around now and all of their wives had to take a backseat to his career. One of the couples the wife is a RN. She had to work night shifts for the past 15 years and live in bumfuck nowhere like Clovis, New Mexico and way out in Montana.

When he retires from active duty she finally gets to prioritize her job a little bit more and he has to deal with it.

Kirun · 2025-03-20T15:15:12-0400

Noodleface said:
Here's a mild rant but not really. Just a bottom text situation.

Maybe I mentioned it here but my wife and I were unable to have a 3rd kid. We even did several rounds of IVF.. a couple took but were miscarried shortly after. It destroyed my wife emotionally. I was a very strong supportive figure, but after awhile we had the talk and both agreed for her sanity (and for our finances... Seriously $20k per round) we would just be happy we had the two boys and start moving on.

We spent a long time donating everything baby related while holding onto a few mementos. Felt good to clear out the house. We started travelling too and doing big adventures with the boys. Things have been great not worrying about any of that. I'm happy with the two kids. She still wanted 3, but she realized this is the hand we were dealt.

Anyways we've been having sex a lot more. She's always been hesitant for me to get the snip, and I am positive in the back of her mind there's still that option open.. the mistake baby. So im just blasting on her everytime.

The other night she mentioned maybe I should start cumming inside her "it's not like we'll have a kid." My big thing, and what I told her, is I don't want to see her get pregnant, get her hopes up, and get destroyed. I think she's hoping for a miracle baby, but she isn't really saying that. Am I being a diva for not wanting to put her through that?

Just Jimmy Neutron those guts bro...GOTTA BLAST!

Palum · 2025-03-20T15:18:31-0400

Blazin said:
I at no time was considering convincing her to drop the relationship. You might want to bow out of this one man, I won't be responding to any further silliness, thanks for the input though. I'll just assume your communications skill suck and pretend you posted "Valuing service is a good positive than can offset potential downsides"

Glad to help!

TJT · 2025-03-20T15:18:53-0400

Blazin said:
My daughter is already considerably ahead of my NW path so I don't know that it is unfounded but I understand your point. My sticking point is if he considering that she would do it for him not because it's something she "wants". She worked really hard to get through school and get the job that she has, it's not a small thing to give up. She has often talked about wanting children earlier than later, that's not a small thing to give up either.

Does she have the kind of job you can't work remotely?

Blazin · 2025-03-20T15:23:33-0400

TJT said:
Does she have the kind of job you can't work remotely?

No chance of remote work, she works in lab science so she can work for larger Health organizations CDC pharma etc. Some Air force bases I looked up had some good job opportunities some of them had shit. He is in the same science field so that should help and he wants to stay in that field in the AF so maybe she can work a civilian position at wherever he ends up. Maybe it would even be better if she enlisted as well. I don't know how AF rules change when you have two married officers and how they handle assignments etc. I'd be super proud of her to do that but it doesn't seem like something she wants to do.

Hoss · 2025-03-20T15:23:37-0400

Blazin said:
It could be some place she hates and govt is not going to give them any guarantees.

I never served in the military, but one thing I've heard a lot is, get it in writing. That whole 'no guarantees' thing from the recruiter just means he's lying. He can put shit in writing. Maybe that knowledge will be enough to either dissuade the boy or ensure they get a good deal.

Tarrant · 2025-03-20T15:24:15-0400

Blazin said:
My daughter is already considerably ahead of my NW path so I don't know that it is unfounded but I understand your point. My sticking point is if he considering that she would do it for him not because it's something she "wants". She worked really hard to get through school and get the job that she has, it's not a small thing to give up. She has often talked about wanting children earlier than later, that's not a small thing to give up either.

Again, I get it, but just as you don’t want him to interfere with her plans you’re expecting he should be okay with him comprising all of his (if that’s not the case my apologies). As a father I get it, you could feel that way and be totally justified in it as you want what you feel is best for your kid. I’m sure they’ve had more than one discussion about it and as most of us know, marriage is a game of give and take, compromises and working together toward a common goal. Goals prior to marriage can still happen, but when you open your life up to another person you have to take their goals on too and figure out what works best. As long as she’s doing that, that’s all you can hope for I suppose.

Gavinmad · 2025-03-20T15:27:05-0400

Blazin said:
That she loves him and wants to support him and that it would "only be 4 years" . I'm not sure that part is even true, I'd have to some digging depending on which MOS i believe some of the officer positions they want more than 4. He comes from a military family and there is high family pressure for military service, his father just passed away rather suddenly and it seems to have solidified his feeling that he must do this

Gotta wonder how out of touch his family is to still be pressuring the next generation to serve but maybe it's different for officer families. Enlisted families have been increasingly telling their kids to stay the hell out for at least a decade now. You mentioned degree so I assume we're talking about a commission rather than enlisting but it definitely isn't guaranteed to be only 4 years.

Also dunno if his family has kept him in the dark on it but Hoss is absolutely right, recruiters are the absolute scum of the service who will say absolutely anything (or conveniently not mention anything) if they think it will get them another signature. If it isn't in writing it's bullshit.

TJT · 2025-03-20T15:29:16-0400

Hoss said:
I never served in the military, but one thing I've heard a lot is, get it in writing. That whole 'no guarantees' thing from the recruiter just means he's lying. He can put shit in writing. Maybe that knowledge will be enough to either dissuade the boy or ensure they get a good deal.

Air Force doesn't even offer job guarantees. As in you can join to do X job and do that job. The army was the only one that offered that. At least back in the day. That isn't to say you wouldn't spend time mowing grass and other dumb shit. But you would be trained to do X job and you would do it as the situation arose.

The rest of the branches offer categories of jobs.

Tarrant · 2025-03-20T15:30:19-0400

Yeah, to echo what the above said, recruiters suck and are some of the biggest con artists sale people you’ll come across. If they can’t provide it in writing, it’s not happening. Hell, even if they do it can change sometimes. I saw some good people get majorly f’ed over during my brief time in due to the above.

Khane · 2025-03-20T15:31:05-0400

Blazin said:
No chance of remote work, she works in lab science so she can work for larger Health organizations CDC pharma etc. Some Air force bases I looked up had some good job opportunities some of them had shit. He is in the same science field so that should help and he wants to stay in that field in the AF so maybe she can work a civilian position at wherever he ends up. Maybe it would even be better if she enlisted as well. I don't know how AF rules change when you have two married officers and how they handle assignments etc. I'd be super proud of her to do that but it doesn't seem like something she wants to do.

I asked ChatGPT about this. Hope it helps.

Noodleface · 2025-03-20T15:31:11-0400

I dont know what makes people think I'm not having adult conversations with my wife lol. We've been together a long time. I'm just using this place as a sounding board to see if I'm being retarded.

I had some concerns based on historical data.

I'd never in a million years snip my balls if she wasnt 100% on board with that decision. I don't even like buying a new video game without mentioning it

Blazin · 2025-03-20T15:31:43-0400

Tarrant said:
Again, I get it, but just as you don’t want him to interfere with her plans you’re expecting he should be okay with him comprising all of his (if that’s not the case my apologies). As a father I get it, you could feel that way and be totally justified in it as you want what you feel is best for your kid. I’m sure they’ve had more than one discussion about it and as most of us know, marriage is a game of give and take, compromises and working together toward a common goal. Goals prior to marriage can still happen, but when you open your life up to another person you have to take their goals on too and figure out what works best. As long as she’s doing that, that’s all you can hope for I suppose.

I agree and that is why I"m cautious to be contrary to the idea. I'm on her side, at some point emotionally that will have to merge into being on THEIR side but is easier said then done.

She has told me that in their discussions she has expressed to them that she wants him to promise that they will then come back here and start a family. My FEAR (maybe unfounded) is that he won't respect that . It's just a fear that I'm sharing, my daughter is so important to me that its a harder dynamic to always be calm and rational. She can't get her 20s back if he screws her on this.

Blazin · 2025-03-20T15:33:33-0400

Gavinmad said:
Gotta wonder how out of touch his family is to still be pressuring the next generation to serve but maybe it's different for officer families. Enlisted families have been increasingly telling their kids to stay the hell out for at least a decade now. You mentioned degree so I assume we're talking about a commission rather than enlisting but it definitely isn't guaranteed to be only 4 years.

Also dunno if his family has kept him in the dark on it but Hoss is absolutely right, recruiters are the absolute scum of the service who will say absolutely anything (or conveniently not mention anything) if they think it will get them another signature. If it isn't in writing it's bullshit.

He is in a unique situation his parents are (were) MY parents age. He has a brother my age that he barely knows, he is a much later in life Oops that just happened baby. So the generational dynamics for him a little wonky.

Hoss · 2025-03-20T15:33:41-0400

Kithani said:
When I asked my FIL if I could marry his daughter (to which he just responded “sure”) apparently my now wife happened to walk through a nearby hallway (I thought she was in the shower) and overheard the end of the conversation with me sounding very relieved and saying “well that was anticlimactic” and knew it was coming lol - didn’t tell me for a year or two later

I remember when my brother in law asked for my dad's permission. My mom and sister both knew it was happening. He invited everybody over for fajitas. Started talking about the future to work up to asking for her hand. Then my dad started arguing with him about how convoluted his future plans were. Reminds me a little of what blazin was talking about. he wanted to be a cop and he was planning to do shit all ass backwards. They argued, the rest of us left to let them continue. I found out what was happening on the way home. By the end of the night dad convinced him to not put it off and enroll in police academy sooner than later and for her to go back and finish college. According to them, at the end BIL got exasperated and shouted LOOK I WAS JUST TRYING TO ASK FOR YOUR DAUGHTER'S HAND IN MARRIAGE. Dad shut up and went, Oh, yeah sure. That would be great! I kind of thought it was already a done deal.

Anyway, we all love him. We told her at the wedding that if they split up, he gets us in the divorce.

I was lucky in a way that my wife's dad was dead. I didn't see a reason to ask her mom.

Edit: I say in a way because I really would have liked to have met him. He seemed pretty cool.

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Marriage and the Power of Divorce

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