Marriage and the Power of Divorce

There's no doubt about it, denying or not being interested in sex with your girlfriend/wife is probably the quickest way to give her a case of the insecure crazies. My interest in sex frequency almost always diminishes over time when in a relationship, and that always translates into bitchiness and anger at some point. We guys find it difficult to empathize because we are so used to sexual rejection-- we just shrug and think "ok, I'll go play 'puter instead". When you turn your girlfriend down because you're not in the mood and/or you're about to level up your guys in Divinity, she simply doesn't interpret it the same way you do when you're rejected.

mkopec_sl said:

"The rational for why a woman's sex drive declines may be down to supply and demand. If something is in infinite supply, the perceived value would drop." [/I]

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That explanation makes no sense. If that was the case it would be the man's sex drive that dropped.

It's affection, that's all. The sex drive makes more sense viewed through the lens of physical affection than physical love, and it makes the stereotypes easier to handle, observe, and isolate. It's only a trick. A useful half truth.

Pay attention to the animals. My cat tries to fuck me sometimes. She's fixed, she's not actually trying to seduce me but that is one of the only two tools she has to communicate pure affection with a hyooman. It's either present her ass or one of those cat stare/blink deals. The animals, they're not completely useless. Sometimes just stripping away the thought distortion of a basic principle is enough.

I'm going to need tons of citations that we can derive any fact about human psychoanalysis from animals. Because I believe all research shows that humans think on a completely different level. I also don't know if your cat humping you is a sign of affection. I need a citation for that as well.

Blocks of text incoming.

Two weekends ago I was at a 3 day beer festival at Ommegang Brewery. I was smoking a cigarette and a woman who was volunteering that night asked to buy one off me. She had a Belgian sour bomber she was supposed to be bringing inside to the tent to serve and I said "If you sit here and drink that with me you can have one" so she did and we started chatting and hit it off. The following day they have a 5 and a half hour beer fest which we ran into each other at, hung out for a bit, went back to camp and made some food, headed down to a fireworks show, sat by a bonfire, drank some more, danced to some of the live music and made out like high schoolers. Then we went back to my tent and hooked up. It was very intimate despite the alcohol which was helping fuel everything and after we were talking and she asked if I wanted to hang out some time.

She lives in NJ I live in CT. With no traffic (which never happens) it's a 2 hour trip. I said sure because it would be completely casual, we could hang out in NYC which I love anyway and it seemed like a good situation because we got along really well and are into a lot of the same music and both love going to concerts. Last weekend I went down to NYC and met up with her. The plan was to get sushi and then hit up a Jazz bar for some live Jazz. We got the sushi, we never made it to the Jazz bar, instead we went back to her place and had a ton of really good sex, which again, was very intimate and not your usual hook up casual kind of fuck session. In between all this we text and talk throughout the day pretty much every day, both last week and this week.

During this past week we had some very long, very personal conversations and some feelings came out. We found out a lot about each other, learned that we've had very similar, traumatic experiences and bonded pretty strongly. In the midst of all this she admitted that she is a little unsettled because she is realizing how much she likes me, talks about me to all her friends and family, and is having a hard time with it because she didn't think she was ready for this kind of emotional attachment. Six months ago her boyfriend of 2.5 years tried to kill himself on their couch (they lived together). The story goes that he was a pill addict, she didn't realize it at all, and she wonders how she couldn't have and now has a hard time trusting herself. 2 weeks before the incident he just came clean out of nowhere and told her he was a pill addict and had been the entire time they were together and beforehand. He wanted to get clean and asked for her help. A week later she noticed (now more keen to the signs) that he was high on something and told him he needed to pack his shit and go. He was about to just leave all his stuff and go but he was high so she told him to spend the night on the couch and in the morning they would move all his stuff out. That night he took an entire bottle of pills. So all of this made her question her own ability to interpret and read what was going on in her personal relationships, she started feeling anxiety and her business started suffering (she owns and operates a coffee catering company) so she started seeing a counselor.

She's very open and honest about everything which I appreciate because I am the same way. I'm not afraid or embarrassed to talk about anything which has led to us having some really great, but very personal conversations like the one mentioned above. She came to visit me this weekend and she admitted that she has even been talking to her counselor about me. This is where I am torn. This weekend was absolutely amazing. Her and I have a lot in common, our connection is effortless both physically and in conversation and we have a really great time together. We went to some live music on a town green nearby, drank great beer, ate food, got wings and beer after that (we both have slight addictions to chicken wings) and had a ton of fantastic sex. The next morning we woke up, had more sex, went on a 10 mile hike, had more great conversation, went back to my place, fucked in the shower, went and got more wings then hung out on my deck smoking cigarettes, drinking more good beer and listening to great music. The entire deck scenario was actually very romantic and was a connection I haven't had with a woman since my ex and I broke up... almost 3 years ago.

Since that breakup almost all of my encounters with women have been fleeting week or maybe a month long flings that were purely physically driven. I haven't met anyone I felt any real emotional connection to... until now... with a woman who lives 2 hours away from me and has obvious hangups from a previous relationship which was fairly recent. The distance actually makes this easier, for now, because we literally can't take things too fast because we are too far apart. However, she has admitted feeling attachment to me (which always unsettles her) and I know I am getting attached to her. The problem is her being unsure of herself and her unsettled feelings makes me pause. Most of me wants to say "Fuck it, just go for it and let the chips fall where they may" but I really don't feel like getting involved with someone that is such a perceived risk. Don't know what to do bros.

Soygen_sl said:

Quit smoking.

Sorry, that's all the advice I have.

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It's good advice. And I would totally do it if it weren't for the fact that I'm single and it has gotten me laid and helped me meet a lot of very interesting people. I mean... if I didn't smoke her and I most likely would have never even spoken to each other.

Without risk there is no reward.

I've only had one long distance relationship and she lived about 2 hours away. It was really the first girl in which I fell for and fell hard. Honestly I think back and wonder if the distance was a pretty strong catalyst for that. Every meeting with her felt like an event. I had to drive, the anticipation built and she always planned something fun for us to do and I was in a new and different city. It was all very exciting. But eventually it just stopped working out for us. As quickly as our relationship started it ended just as quick and within 4 months we were done with each other. The driving started to feel more like a chore than an exciting adventure; not being able to see each other whenever we wanted meant we could never be extremely close. However these are just my personal experiences with the matter. Yours could be different.

Khane_sl said:

New woman

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I'm confused, what options are you considering? What options do you have?

1) See how it plays out, continuing with good sex and conversation
2) Purposely distancing yourself from her, which will probably sabotage the relationship
3) Preemptively dump her because of possible bad feels if it doesn't go well

Everyone is a risk, no matter how normal/decent/well-adjusted they seem. At least she is straight forward with her problems. 2 hour separation isn't great. However, you have NYC in the middle to meet up, so it's not all bad.

If it were me, I would see where it went.

I'd say just keep going with the way things are, as you said there is no need to rush. I'm pretty new to the thread but from the little I've seen you're not too hot on the dating scene and don't seem to make many "real" connections (you also mention last relationship 3 years ago in your block).

I see it like this, you aren't really out anything by maybe letting this develop more, and you potentially gain a lot. You seem intelligent enough to not do something stupid like moving her in with you to get rid of the commute or any other foolishness like that so no real harm in letting it go on. From what you posted it seems like you are experiencing things you haven't in quite some time and that shit is so rare I say capitalize as much as possible whenever you can. That's my take.

Sounds like a cool chick. I'd just keep hanging out atm. Two weeks is a pretty short time. The distance is probably amping up your meetings. Seems like that's advantageous, what with all the big talks. If all the confessions are out of the way it might be more low-key, and that would be new setting to see how comfortable you are without the emotional rollercoaster.

I'm curious if she is actually into the hike/wing/music thing or is she just into what you're into? That's often my hangup. I meet plenty of girls who fake interest in my interests and they can't maintain it. And I don't even really get why they do it in the first place. I'm not looking for a female clone of myself.

Well, honestly the real question I am asking myself is if I should see where it goes and let it happen naturally, or if I should have a conversation with her about seeing each other as often as we can, but also not tying ourselves into a long distance relationship (i.e. still seeing other people). She reminds me a lot of my ex, they are similar in many ways (which is unsettling for me). That relationship started the same way. She lived in PA and I was in CT. The first 3 months of our relationship was like that, which to Tenks point, strengthened it for all the reasons he mentioned. She then moved to CT (which was her plan before we even met each other) because her entire family was from CT and she wanted to move "home". But she had similar "hang-ups". She had past experiences that ended badly and so since it was going so well with me she was "waiting for the other shoe to drop". After her and I broke up I reflected on our seemingly amazing relationship (until the very end, it ended very quickly in a blaze of glory) and realized I don't think she ever really loved me because she was incapable of letting herself go and giving herself completely to me. I was fucking heartbroken for a long time, it wasn't until about two years later that I could confidently say I was over it. Don't feel like reliving that kind of heartache.

Agraza_sl said:

I'm curious if she is actually into the hike/wing/music thing or is she just into what you're into? That's often my hangup. I meet plenty of girls who fake interest in my interests and they can't maintain it. And I don't even really get why they do it in the first place. I'm not looking for a female clone of myself.

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She is actually into those things. I never mentioned how much I loved wings, when I was in NYC she was like "Man I love sushi but there is this amazing wing place we should probably go to some time, I love wings". The music she is definitely into, we have similar tastes but basically the entire weekend it was "I'll pick a song then you pick a song" and we had very similar tastes, but we both listened to a lot of stuff the other had never heard of, but was the same kind of music as the bands we both already knew. The hiking thing she mentioned to me before I ever brought it up while we were at the beer fest. So basically, she mentioned all those things before I did so she is probably wondering if I'm just latching onto her interests and not vice-versa.

Yeah my girl had similar hang ups and issues which means we were really not a great match. But we both fell for one another so hard and quick. We didn't really break up on bad terms per-se. She'll still comment on things no facebook about me and I have no ill will towards her. Since I'm autistic as fuck I usually sat down and analyzed what went wrong in relationships and if it wasn't for her I wouldn't have learned nearly as many lessons as I did and possibly would have fucked up the relationship with my now wife. So even though the breakup sucked and was hard I'm glad it happened.