Marriage and the Power of Divorce

OneofOne_sl said:

Maybe this is something she's already participating in, but if not, aren't there support groups for spouses of disabled people? Or social groups you could join together? I mean, it's not like you guys are the first couple to ever find themselves in this kind of situation. I have to imagine there are resources and ideas for addressing many of her concerns, whether it's enjoying some of the activities you aren't able to do, or introducing entirely new things in the bedroom to keep things new and fun and whatever. I realize that's easier said than done with 3 kids, but I dunno, it's GOT to be worth looking into.

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This is actually a good idea. I think we have become so focused on just raising the kids, that we sometimes lose sight of having time for just us. On the same train of thought, I have asked her to really focus on the things we can do and not the things we can't. That was something I absolutely had to do in order to move on with my life after my accident. It is very easy to become hyper focused on what I can't do, and that quickly leads to a dark place.

Khane_sl said:

That's a really terrible situation Ameraves. I feel for you. Your wife sounds like a very good person too though. To be honest I don't know if I would have been able to stick around after such a dramatic life altering event. It sounds like she tried to change her perspective through therapy but it just won't work out, which is a really unfortunate turn of events. But if there is one thing you can take solace in it's knowing that the mother of your children is a good woman who will take care of them and never turn against them or you. Your situation isn't fun, and I hope you come out of it alright in the end, but based on a lot of the other stories in this thread, you are much better off than a lot of the other men here who are going through a divorce. Completely for my own curiosity, how old were the two of you when you were engaged and you had your accident?

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Yes, this is something I have thought about. Part of me wants to just let her go so I don't hold her back from being happy. But at the same time the thought of not being around my kids everyday is heartbreaking, so I am not going to simply give up.

I was 27 years old at the time of the accident, and she was 24.

Iannis_sl said:

Only question. You've been paraplegic for 10 years, and it happened while you were engaged to her. And you've got 3 kids? So she was having children with you after the accident. Probably at least one. 10 years. She's a good woman. You don't want her to come to resent you either.


That's hard. That's just hard. Hard on her, hard on you. I got nothing. When a problem is insoluble no amount of counseling will help.

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Yes, we had all 3 after the accident. We had to do IVF in order to have them, which is how we ended up with twins.

This is actually my single biggest issues with all of this though. If she had left me shortly after the accident, or hell even sometime after we got married I would have understood. It would have sucked for sure, but I would get it. But we chose to bring children into this world together knowing full well what my situation was and that it wasn't going to change. Again, I understand that it is hard and in the end if she decides it is just too much, I will simply have to figure a way to deal with it.

Kirun_sl said:

Oh, it absolutely has to be tough as hell. However, before saddling up and going through with the marriage (they were only engaged at the time), she really should've done research, read stories, etc. of what couples go through. To hitch your life to someone, promise them that you'll be there through thick and thin, and then cut and run because you likely found a better option, or think life will be easier without the burden of a disabled partner? Obviously, life is short and you need to make yourself happy, and that doesn't mean you should stay with someone "no matter what", but that type of cowardice just doesn't sit well with me, at all. Maybe I'm just being "old fashioned" in my views, but I think marriage is one of life's ultimate oaths, and it's infuriating to me when people fly the coop under those sets of circumstances.

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thank you captain hindsight.

chaos_sl said:

Of course I am on the side of Brother Ameraves... but shit grinds people down. My uncle was a quadriplegic and a helped him out before joining the Navy, that was a rough life. No one in that house was happy. It is really easy to sit outside and cast judgement on the person who spent 10 years and walked, but the fact remains that she did try for 10 years and it is absolutely rough.

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This actually brings me to another issue I have with this whole situation. When I first came home from the hospital I couldn't do anything on my own. Couldn't shower, shit, drive, nothing. She had to help me with everything. I didn't work for nearly 3 years and it really took me a long time to get back to even a semi normal life. Fast forward to today, and I am nearly 100% independent. I drive to work, and do all my normal everyday stuff without assistance. Sure, I can't reach a plate or a glass in the cupboard, but those are small things in my mind when you look at the big picture. So it isn't like I need constant care.

So overall life in general has never been easier for us since my accident. I make a decent enough living that she can stay home with the kids like she wanted to. Of course on the flip side of that, it may be part of why she would consider leaving. She knows that I can take care of myself and would feel quite a bit less guilty about leaving me.

I'm an IT Project Manager down at one of them big software companies in Silicon Valley

Well a big part of her problem is refusing to discuss anything at all, ever. We don't argue all that much, but when we would it really wasn't much of an argument. I would do a lot of talking, once in a while yelling, and she just sits there not saying anything. She just holds everything in and refuses to talk about anything for some unknown reason. So I am sure this has been weighing on her for a couple of years.

However, that is not an excuse and it is something that she absolutely must deal with. I brought it up to her again this weekend that she really needs to go and talk to someone, so I am hoping she does. I am considering forcing her hand a bit and talking to my sister in law about it. My wife and sister in law are pretty close and extremely similar in their views. So maybe is my sister in law were to approach her about it, it could at the very least get her talking a bit.

And just to be clear, she hasn't said I want a divorce yet. She is struggling, and has talked about splitting up, but hasn't even come close to asking for a divorce yet.

I think you may be correct. However, this goes waaaay back to even when we were first dating and engaged. She never argues back, ever. And I can guarantee you 100% I was not right every time we got into an argument, as much as I would have liked to believe I was at the time.