Marriage and the Power of Divorce

Do you literally have hook ups on deck just waiting for the green light from the girlfriend? Or is this more of an in principle thing where you want to be able to without the guilty aspect?

Famm_sl said:

Do you literally have hook ups on deck just waiting for the green light from the girlfriend? Or is this more of an in principle thing where you want to be able to without the guilty aspect?

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I have no hookups on deck, and don't even have plans to pursue any. It's a freedom thing. It's hard to explain but I feel like I will function better as a partner in circumstances where I don't feel like I am being forced to meet certain expectations. I'm a very stubborn person who doesn't like to be told what to do.

This is mostly in terms of physical intimacy but also somewhat in terms of emotional intimacy as well.

There's a very good chance if we decide to give this a shot together she will be the one to act on it first.

My belief is that if you are both open to sexual intimacy with people other than your partners you'll be a lot more open about actually talking about any other problems you might have and opening a real dialogue rather than just shoving expectations and social constructs down each others throats.

Why did you even bring it up then? Is she pushing for commitment? If so you could have just said you have no interest in marriage and/or children and that's not where your life is going. I don't see the point in creating this problem in the relationship if you aren't about to go bang some new gash at the drop of a hat.

Famm_sl said:

Why did you even bring it up then? Is she pushing for commitment? If so you could have just said you have no interest in marriage and/or children and that's not where your life is going. I don't see the point in creating this problem in the relationship if you aren't about to go bang some new gash at the drop of a hat.

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I edited while you were typing that to elaborate more and answer your question.

I still don't get why you felt the need to bring it up. If you admittedly aren't going to even try to be with other people then why was it even a discussion. It makes that "you're just sabotaging the relationship" theory sound possible.

Famm_sl said:

I still don't get why you felt the need to bring it up. If you admittedly aren't going to even try to be with other people then why was it even a discussion. It makes that "you're just sabotaging the relationship" theory sound possible.

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Don't know what to tell you, I told you exactly why I did it. I don't feel like I can be in a monogamous relationship and I'm doing the adult thing and talking to her about it now instead of waiting until I find someone I want to fuck and being like "Hey, wanna be open now that I have someone lined up?"

I think if you're open to sexual intimacy with your own partner you'll be a lot more open about actually talking about any other problems you might have and opening a real dialogue. This has nothing to do with open vs. monogamous. This has everything about how you approach sex with your partner. My sex life was decent, had no real complaints but I had this big sexual empowerment thing several years back and took it upon myself to be incredibly open about sex with my husband. I pushed him hard to be very very open and now we have great communication and a very good sex life. Just about how you choose to communicate.

I think you're fooling yourself if you think an open relationship with give you the freedom you are looking for. If you just want to sleep around, call it what it is. An open relationship has its own sets of rules and structures that makes it work and at the center of that are two people in a committedrelationship.

lindz_sl said:

I think if you're open to sexual intimacy with your own partner you'll be a lot more open about actually talking about any other problems you might have and opening a real dialogue. This has nothing to do with open vs. monogamous. This has everything about how you approach sex with your partner. My sex life was decent, had no real complaints but I had this big sexual empowerment thing several years back and took it upon myself to be incredibly open about sex with my husband. I pushed him hard to be very very open and now we have great communication and a very good sex life. Just about how you choose to communicate.

I think you're fooling yourself if you think an open relationship with give you the freedom you are looking for. If you just want to sleep around, call it what it is. An open relationship has its own sets of rules and structures that makes it work and at the center of that are two people in a committedrelationship.

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I've always been incredibly open about sex. That's not what I was talking about. I was talking about being open to the idea of not being monogamous. I want to sleep with other people. I don't want to be told I can only be with one person for the rest of my life. I just don't necessarily want it right at this very second. I know what a relationship is. I've been in plenty of them. I'm not 12 years old.

Anyway I think I'm done discussing this. Not interested in being told I'm too stupid to know what's good for me in my own life and my own relationships.

You are posting in the marriage thread asking about open relationships. It's like me posting vegan recipes in the cooking thread, not exactly the target audience.

I'll give you my input on it though, I dated a girl a while back that we had an open relationship rule established but neither one of us every acted on it until the end. It worked but I was in my mid 20s so it was easier.

If we weren't monogamous by nature, I would think that marriage would not be considered the absolute pillar of society that it is...

With that said, there was one time a few years ago, a joking "what if" scenario came up when my wife and I and some of our friend couples talked about a scenario where there was a "substitute" wife. The women joked it'd be cool to have an extra set of hands to help out, and someone to take care of hubby when they weren't in the mood. Of course, at first I was all "hell yeah!" It was all just joking, but my vivid imagination actually played it out in my head. I will directly admit the thought of my wife with another man is pretty crushing. However, thinking that scenario through, where it was me benefiting so to speak, I just got a little ill at that thought of it.

I have no words to really describe exactly how I feel, but just thinking of me and the two women sitting in the living room and watching TV and then myself and #2 declare we are going up to take care of business. It would kill me to even think about my wife being in the next room being shut out from what I feel is the ultimate form of love. This is in no way condemning those who are in open relationships at all, I just know I would never be able to do it, nor be ok with significant other doing it as well. I don't know if I am in the majority or not, but considering that sex with another person destroys most marriages, I'd would definitely be comfortable with a wager on that one.

Khane_sl said:

I've always been incredibly open about sex. That's not what I was talking about. I was talking about being open to the idea of not being monogamous. I want to sleep with other people. I don't want to be told I can only be with one person for the rest of my life. I just don't necessarily want it right at this very second. I know what a relationship is. I've been in plenty of them. I'm not 12 years old.

Anyway I think I'm done discussing this. Not interested in being told I'm too stupid to know what's good for me in my own life and my own relationships.

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Khane no matter what people say, I'd like to thank you for getting the thread back on track.

Open relationships are fine, as long as the woman is open too.

If she hesitated at all, she's probably not comfortable but doesn't want to lose you. If that's the case I would break it off with her now, neither of you will be truly happy.

Soygen_sl said:

Don't be like that. This entire community was built upon telling each other we're too stupid to know what's good for us! This is how we bond.

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This. People aren't telling you that you are stupid, Khane. You are probably having trouble articulating your thoughts on the matter, or perhaps the idea is not fully formed in your head yet, but you have a strong feeling about what you want.

It's your life, give it a go. Talk to Master about his experience. If it doesn't work out, you seem to line up someone new pretty fast based on your post history.

Lejina_sl said:

What I'm curious is how successful with women were those who are now so dead set on calling Khane a terrible person.

It's pretty easy to judge someone with his worries when you never had the number of women throwing themselves at you like he does. Honor comes easy when you don't have to make hard choices. A long term monogamous relationship has it's load of pro and cons and don't fool yourself, being limited to only one woman is a big con when you've been used to get strange on the regular with ease.

An open relationship is certainly not the easy road either. Cheating is. Im giving props for going that route.

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Hold your roll, I don't think anyone is calling him Terrible, I think many are just saying that he may not find what he is looking for by taking that route.

Lejina_sl said:

What I'm curious is how successful with women were those who are now so dead set on calling Khane a terrible person.

It's pretty easy to judge someone with his worries when you never had the number of women throwing themselves at you like he does. Honor comes easy when you don't have to make hard choices. A long term monogamous relationship has it's load of pro and cons and don't fool yourself, being limited to only one woman is a big con when you've been used to get strange on the regular with ease.

An open relationship is certainly not the easy road either. Cheating is. Im giving props for going that route.

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I don't think anyone is calling him a terrible person. Personally it feels like he's not really into this girl but likes her enough that he doesn't want to just cut it off completely and go solo. It feels like he's just leading her down this open relationship path so he can get a booty call at will while also pursuing different options. Which by human nature isn't shocking. I know the amount of women who get divorced have a safety vine they swing to almost immediately. But it sounds like he is masking wanting to downgrade their relationship to friends with benefits as an open relationship. Which is a bit shitty especially since she doesn't seem all that into it and very much misleading to the girl.

But I could be off base and not really know where he's coming from but this whole change in him now wanting open relationships seems a bit out of the blue