Marriage and the Power of Divorce

For me I've come to the conclusion this is a natural state of things. Many women for whatever reason shut down sexually after a long time with a partner. Moreso after children. This just seems evident to me.

Equally evident is that going to the office to jerk it every night is a pathetic existence. The problem, I think, is cultural. I find myself reading more and more articles like these:Opinion: Monogamy is unnatural - CNN.com

Are Humans Meant to Be Monogamous? | LiveScience

And watching that Louis CK bit about divorce and thinking "This guy makes sense". All that said, practically speaking, staying together seems like it would be easier. Financially, for the kids, socially.

The worst part is that since getting in shape women look at me and talk to me all the time and I feel super fucking guilty just for that. I purposely avoid talking to women outside of work because honestly, after a month and a half of no sex I am in no mood to test myself.

My wife has never had a very high sex drive, even when we were dating. We've been together for like 3.5 years and married for 1.5 and we've always had sex like a couple times a week on average, and that rate has been pretty steady both pre and post marriage, and now post child(7 months old). Probably an average of once every 3-5 days.

She has never, ever initiated sex though, it's always been me to initiate it, but she's usually for it more often than against it when I inititate. Sure, I'd have sex every day if I could, multiple times a day even, but life happens. She goes to work earlier than me, and goes to bed earlier than me, so unless I want to go to bed with her at like 10pm, I'm definitely not going to try to wake her up for sex when I come to bed at midnight or 1am, just like I appreciate her not waking me up at 5:30am for sex when she gets up in the morning, I just keep sleeping until 7:30-8. My wife is perfectly fine with me needing to masturbate on the days when we don't have sex, and I'm fine with that too. I can do what I need to do and get on with my day, sex can be a time-consuming ordeal and with a baby in the house, time is often at a premium.

Another thing I've noticed throughout my life, the women I was in relationships with that were super sexual, high sex drives, wanted it all the time, kinky in bed, etc, they ALL ended up being unfaithful. I'm not saying that's always going to happen with women that have strong sex drives, but it has in my experience. I'm perfectly fine if my wife isn't thinking about sex 24/7, because I'm not with her 24/7.

Dashel_sl said:

Yup counseling was primarily about the lack of sex/spark in the marriage. She admits it's a problem, after counseling it gets better for a little while then reverts back. Now it's to the point where prior to "birthday sex" for me on Nov 30th, it was easily 5-6 months without. I should note she would probably have sex if I initiated it but it's to the point that I dont bother anymore because it's incredibly unsatisfying when your partner isnt into it. I feel guilty, and it hurts the ego too.

@Dabamf: re: fat and out of shape: No, in fact the opposite. I am in very good shape, keep myself up well. One of the more frustrating things about this is I get more attention and compliments from other women than my own wife.

In regards to my role in this, I can honestly say I gave a huge effort to do the courting thing again. I tell her she is beautiful, which she sincerely is, make her laugh, great with the kids, just generally try to make things easier for her. But now it's to the point I dont even want the sex from her anymore. Somewhere along the way I passed some limit and friend zoned my wife.

The prospect of going on for years and years without that physical connection and excitement is very depressing.

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chaos_sl said:

The worst part is that since getting in shape women look at me and talk to me all the time and I feel super fucking guilty just for that. I purposely avoid talking to women outside of work because honestly, after a month and a half of no sex I am in no mood to test myself.

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Damn dudes, I'm right there with you. Have sex maybe once every 1-2 months. I'm in the best shape of my life and there are at least two girls I could probably bang if I weren't married (they've shown interest, but my married status has come up).

joeboo's comment above really hits home. My wife never, ever initiates sex. There was a period where I was trying to initiate it often (and by that I mean maybe once a week) and she shut it down at least half the time. That lasted a long time. Now I've basically just given up and it's only when I'm just super horny that I bother. So like dashel, I've basically friendzoned my own wife. We're roommates at this point and she's not even a good roommate.

Honestly, if I waited for my wife to initiate sex, we'd probably never have sex again.

joeboo_sl said:

Honestly, if I waited for my wife to initiate sex, we'd probably never have sex again.

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She's only initiated it a few times in the 5 years we'd been dating, almost always it's me.

She always tells me I miss the signs.. like "I showered and was sitting on the couch, but you didn't seem to get the hint" ??????????? what?

Women are masters of guilt and deceit. They didn't drop hints, they just want to make it seem like they were willing to go but you weren't interested so the blame can be placed on you. They never hinted shit. When a woman wants sex she initiates, if she doesn't want sex and also doesn't want to be bothered she lays out the guilt trip. Nothing kills a boner better a guilt trip.

Guilt, the boner graveyard.

Well at least I'm not the only one. A guy I work with is in a similar situation, but he's in his 50s and so is his wife so I don't really count that.

Sounds all too familiar. I always initiated, and I knew that was what I was getting into when we got married. But it went from infrequent to non-existant. Once a week would be plenty for me, and frankly it's not just about the sex. When hot girls are telling you how you look good, how your efforts at keeping yourself in shape are paying off... that goes a long way. May sound stupid but a couple of girls at the gym get fired up when I make some progress on a lift or something. Point out your shoulders look good. Whatever random compliment. Just makes your day. I tried to do that for my wife and no change or reciprocation. She knows it too, she will be the first to admit it. So it just is what it is. As I say I've accepted it. I cant, and she cant, make herself feel a certain way.

I will say though she's an exceptional mom to the kids. I wouldnt have anyone else in her place. I have no regrets marrying her or having our 2 kids who are just perfect. Right now just being co-parents seems the obvious and logical thing to do, but that entails getting at least a separation.

We were in serious boner-graveyard territory pre-marriage when we were both working 2 jobs and planning the wedding. I was pretty worried. Lately it's picked up, but sometimes she gets home so late and instantly falls asleep (mail carrier) so I chalk some of it up to that. I'm planting my seed on reg though, and I'm a little worried once Baby Noodle comes into the world there will be a boner-graveyard.

Noodleface_sl said:

She's only initiated it a few times in the 5 years we'd been dating, almost always it's me.

She always tells me I miss the signs.. like "I showered and was sitting on the couch, but you didn't seem to get the hint" ??????????? what?

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I lol'd. Reminded me of last week or the week before, in the morning my wife was all "I wanted to have sex last night." I had been asleep for about 2-3 hours, and she put her hand on my back. I was probably deep in REM sleep at that point, and she apparently thought that putting a hand on my back was the signal for sex. I told her she's retarded.

That reminds me of a month ago. I worked 7AM-9PM and when I got home was pretty hungry. Grabbed some chips and started going to town, all the while receiving a dirty look. Finally I was all "what???" and she told me she was wearing a very nice bra and I should've known that was a signal. I didn't feel like explaining that I don't have x-ray vision or that if she had just said "hey wanna pump me full of semen" I would've been naked before the sentence came out.

This thread took a turn to the funnies. Unfortunately, all this rings true. 3 month old at home

I think like Dashel said, a lot of the problems with sex these days is cultural. Men are told they need to have sex constantly and woman are told they never need it. Both are exaggerations, but when people hear it through media and relationships constantly, it just becomes ingrained in our society. I dunno, maybe I'm full of it right now, but that is truly the pressure I feel as a woman which I think is bizarre and really sad.

They might tell us we need sex constantly, but they aren't the only ones. I know it's tough to understand the opposite sex, but our penises are constantly telling us stuff. Much like your vagina probably is.

In going through this IVF stuff my wife has been all pumped on hormones that has killed her drive (hers was higher than mine). Probably been over a month since we last had actual sex. I still get some other types of "action" almost daily because she is conscience of it and doesn't want to be that wife. Even then I miss the intimacy of intercourse but am very happy she still tries to take care of my needs.