Noodleface
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Marriage and the Power of Divorce
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Guest, it's time once again for the massively important and exciting FoH Asshat Tournament!
Go here and give us your nominations!Who's been the biggest Asshat in the last year? Give us your worst ones!
Palum
what Suineg set it to
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I dunno. I guess she's a good friend. That's part of the issue. I'm not comparing now to 'what would it be like if I told her to get out and never talked to her again' but instead against 'what would it be like if we just split up and went our separate ways but still remained friends'.
I'm not really sure what I gain vs. just being friends. More frequent sex I guess? Someone who swaps the laundry into the dryer? I'm certainly not making out financially because of it. I'm not really being terribly taxed by it, either, though.
Yup. It reads like you're talking about a disobedient puppy and not your lover.
Palum
what Suineg set it to
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I'm partially being unfair because I'm frustrated. There are lots of things I do love about her. She's self-sufficient, caring, good sense of humor, we share a lot of the same tastes, generally we get along well. But, and this may sound dumb, where is the line between love and companionship or friendship? I've honestly struggled (passively) trying to figure that out. I don't think it's loyalty, caring, empathy or selflessness as I think that is generally something I would have in any close friendship. Is it just 'a good friend who you can room with and also have sex with'? Am I just losing my attraction to her perhaps?
Well, nobody is going to tell you what love is. Since that is probably different for everyone. But as far as relationships go, when you start thinking for long stretches of time if the relationship is a good one then you probably aren't in a good one. Love or no. It really isn't about love or even attraction. It's more about if you are happy and comfortable and can see yourself still like that down the road with that person. Now I'm not saying love and attraction are not needed, but really outside of the obvious you cant define them whereas you can define how the relationship effects your life.
Cad
scientia potentia est
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She sounds self centered as hell. Does she typically just do whatever she wants to do, and you can come along or not? Your 3 scenarios, thats what she was doing. Zero regard for anyone's wants or feelings aside from her own, and she was totally willing to walk away from you to not inconvenience herself or make herself uncomfortable even for a second.
Thats not good, bro.
Palum
what Suineg set it to
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Yea, I guess she is in some respects. But she doesn't really do much on her own besides normal day-to-day stuff. I haven't really known her to ever go just 'do things' spontaneously like take a class/lesson in something or join a club or whatever. My judgement is kind of skewed because I am kind of selfish to a degree as well. I have to make it a point to do things other people enjoy sometimes to keep it 'even', because otherwise I pretty much just do what I want to do and if you want to tag along, that's great, but I'm still going to go do it. So needless to say most of my friends and I have almost identical tastes and hobbies so when one of us decides we're going to do or go someplace it's no big deal.
I'd just say she's way more introverted than I am I guess.
iannis
Musty Nester
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It does sound like compatibility issues in the Challenges that can be overcome category. I mean it sort of sounds like you probably are gonna have to go to Wal-Mart by yourself a lot of times and realize that she's just a homebody. Some people are. I'm perfectly content myself to just sit at home and twiddle. I don't think you're going tochangeher that much. And if what you want is to change her, you might want to examine that more deeply. Because what she is is what she is, just like you are what you are. There's no fault in any of this.
The 2 hours to get ready shit is extreme though. That would do more than annoy the absolute shit out of me. I'd start yelling. And I rarely yell. It's like she's got social anxiety or something. Or just REALLY doesn't wanna go, but doesn't know how to tell you to go do it yourself.
Edit: It may be the self centered thing, but I'm assuming that if she was just a self centered bitch you probably would have noticed before the 2 year mark. Unless the pussy is just that good. Hey man, sometimes it is!
The 2 hours to get ready shit is extreme though. That would do more than annoy the absolute shit out of me. I'd start yelling. And I rarely yell. It's like she's got social anxiety or something. Or just REALLY doesn't wanna go, but doesn't know how to tell you to go do it yourself.
Edit: It may be the self centered thing, but I'm assuming that if she was just a self centered bitch you probably would have noticed before the 2 year mark. Unless the pussy is just that good. Hey man, sometimes it is!
BrutulTM
Good, bad, I'm the guy with the gun.
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Jesus I would never come here for relationship advice. She sounds like she is depressed. Probably at least in part because of you and your no marriage stance. When people love each other in this society they get married, and no amount of you standing on a soap box and blow-harding about it (no matter how rational you are) is going to change that. I don't know what bad experience you have in your past with marriage but it sounds like both of you have some emotional issues to deal with.
I'm actually going to take a bit of a devil's advocate position here. It sounds like you're really forcing what you want on her and not even listening to if she actually wants to do it or not. You're taking this "I like it so you better like it" approach. Maybe she just fucking hates skiing? Maybe she gets pissy immediately at the notion because she has less than zero interest in doing it? Maybe she just doesn't want to play Settlers with you and your friends? Just because you're in a relationship with someone doesn't mean you need to do absolutely everything with one another. My wife hates video games outside of the most basic versions (such as Mario Party) so I don't even try and make her play them with me. Because even when I try to make her she goes into the game with a negative outlook and I get frustrated by her not having fun. She knows I hate hipster indie fuck music so she doesn't ask me anymore to go to those concerts with her anymore. You already got her to move across the country with you but it sounds like you want her to do absolutely everything with/for you and not exist as a functional human with her own interests and desires. It is whatever you feel like doing is what she better feel like doing as well.
I'll also say it is somewhat normal for people to just not do things very much. Which maybe that is why my wife and I work out well together. We both really don't like doing things very much. If you need to constantly be doing things and she wants to be more a homebody than maybe you're just not compatible people.
I'll also say it is somewhat normal for people to just not do things very much. Which maybe that is why my wife and I work out well together. We both really don't like doing things very much. If you need to constantly be doing things and she wants to be more a homebody than maybe you're just not compatible people.
Haast
Lord Nagafen Raider
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If I read Palum's earlier post correctly, she says she wants to do whatever activity with him, then gets frustrated and quits easily. Which is a crap way to handle it.
I need to have that same conversation with the GF soon, basically "we need to spend time doing things both individually and as a couple". She literally wants to do everything with me on the weekends, even if she doesn't like it. To her credit, she hasn't been super pissy or demanding when she ends up not liking the activity. But still, it's a drag to take her out to something she knows she doesn't like ahead of time and watch her play solitaire on her phone looking bored while everyone else is having a great time. Going to an activity you have made up your mind to not like and proceeding to not have fun is a bad call.
And for the record, I don't force us to do a bunch of things she hates and ignore what she wants to do. We do plenty of things with her friends and go out to events she picks or things we mutually like. And I rarely have a bad time; I'm pretty good at blending in. But sometimes I want to hang out with friends and co-op a game. And she wants nothing to do with it, but comes anyway. I can tell she is just lounging around on their couch wondering when she gets to go home, and that sucks. Just go do something you want to do and don't worry about me for a bit. Co-dependence is not a turn-on.
I need to have that same conversation with the GF soon, basically "we need to spend time doing things both individually and as a couple". She literally wants to do everything with me on the weekends, even if she doesn't like it. To her credit, she hasn't been super pissy or demanding when she ends up not liking the activity. But still, it's a drag to take her out to something she knows she doesn't like ahead of time and watch her play solitaire on her phone looking bored while everyone else is having a great time. Going to an activity you have made up your mind to not like and proceeding to not have fun is a bad call.
And for the record, I don't force us to do a bunch of things she hates and ignore what she wants to do. We do plenty of things with her friends and go out to events she picks or things we mutually like. And I rarely have a bad time; I'm pretty good at blending in. But sometimes I want to hang out with friends and co-op a game. And she wants nothing to do with it, but comes anyway. I can tell she is just lounging around on their couch wondering when she gets to go home, and that sucks. Just go do something you want to do and don't worry about me for a bit. Co-dependence is not a turn-on.
I really doubt the exchange went "I'm going to have a bunch of friends over to play board games" "Sounds great let's do it!"
What I'm reading is two people with marginally compatible interest which can work if they are willing to do their own things and have something else keeping them together, but from what Palum's saying, he at least doesn't have that something else.
If my friends came over and my SO didn't want to join us for whatever game we were playing and wanted to sleep instead I'd be perfectly fine with it unless it was like she never wanted to do anything.
Haast
Lord Nagafen Raider
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It was a reference to this:
I'm not trying to absolve him completely. I've just been in his shoes for the "I hate that and I'm coming along to be miserable" thing before.
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Part of dating someone is to try and find out if they will fit within your lifestyle. And it seems like this chick is just not fitting at all. Why should you change what you are and what you want to do because of a chick? Fuck that, there are millions more out there. Of course you will have your own interests you will want to pursue alone, but there are interests to pursue as a couple as well.
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But, I wanna know what love is. I want you to show me. I wanna feel what love is. I know you can show me.
Haast
Lord Nagafen Raider
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Love can make you hot blooded, but when it goes wrong it can be as cold as ice. You feel like you are playing head games, so bad you get double vision and you rev on the red line. Some of the things the two of you do make you feel like a dirty white boy. It should feel like you were waiting on a girl like her. You could say the feeling is urgent.
And I'm spent.
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Phazael
Confirmed Beta Shitlord, Fat Bastard
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Sounds like a number of factors:
Dog Died- My wife was absolutely nuts for a year after her dog passed away.
Moving away from home- Much harder on women, who often like to keep close with their families, than men and you already pointed out that she has not made new friends. This pretty much makes you her only friend out there.
No marriage- Probably very frustrating for her, especially since she basically dropped her life to be out there with you. Not saying you are doing this or that this is even happening, but from her minds eye you might be "not buying the cow when you can get the milk for free" as it were. Her not having other friends pretty much means she has no one to vent this shit off on, so you are basically getting all of the emotional blowback on this.
Different Expectations- I think she is likely trying to be a trooper, but its just not in her nature and she fails at it when push comes to shove. Your her only friend in the area and she wants to be around you, but once its time to put up or shut up about something difficult like the skiing, she rage quits. Pretty normal reaction of a person trying to be something they really aren't.
Long Time to get Ready- Women all do this shit in my experience. The time needed to get ready increases proportionally with the degree you want to do something, they don't like the activity, and the amount you bitch about them dragging their ass on the way out the door. My wife does not wear makeup and is basically a died in the wool tomgirl, but if we need to leave for someplace I want to go that she doesn't, she manages to make getting ready last eons. I got her back the last time we were going to go see her family by queing up a giant shit that I initiated the moment she was ready to go. She was not amused, but it was worth the hell I took over it.
I think Noodle asked the right question, though. If there is enough there that you see enjoying her company for the long haul, then you have to accept that people are different and make some concessions. If you are keeping her around just out of guilt or pity, then its time to move on sooner rather than later.
Dog Died- My wife was absolutely nuts for a year after her dog passed away.
Moving away from home- Much harder on women, who often like to keep close with their families, than men and you already pointed out that she has not made new friends. This pretty much makes you her only friend out there.
No marriage- Probably very frustrating for her, especially since she basically dropped her life to be out there with you. Not saying you are doing this or that this is even happening, but from her minds eye you might be "not buying the cow when you can get the milk for free" as it were. Her not having other friends pretty much means she has no one to vent this shit off on, so you are basically getting all of the emotional blowback on this.
Different Expectations- I think she is likely trying to be a trooper, but its just not in her nature and she fails at it when push comes to shove. Your her only friend in the area and she wants to be around you, but once its time to put up or shut up about something difficult like the skiing, she rage quits. Pretty normal reaction of a person trying to be something they really aren't.
Long Time to get Ready- Women all do this shit in my experience. The time needed to get ready increases proportionally with the degree you want to do something, they don't like the activity, and the amount you bitch about them dragging their ass on the way out the door. My wife does not wear makeup and is basically a died in the wool tomgirl, but if we need to leave for someplace I want to go that she doesn't, she manages to make getting ready last eons. I got her back the last time we were going to go see her family by queing up a giant shit that I initiated the moment she was ready to go. She was not amused, but it was worth the hell I took over it.
I think Noodle asked the right question, though. If there is enough there that you see enjoying her company for the long haul, then you have to accept that people are different and make some concessions. If you are keeping her around just out of guilt or pity, then its time to move on sooner rather than later.