Marriage and the Power of Divorce

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Tenks

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I'm not a child that is a product of a divorced house but I'd have to assume that the kid would prefer to have two separate but happy parents than two together but hate each other parents
 
Soygen

Soygen

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Tarrant_sl said:
Staying in an awful marriage "for the kids" is the worst reason (and possibly the most destructive) a person can choose.
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Exactly. "Kids to consider" would be number one reason forleavinga shit marriage, not staying in one.
 
Kirun

Kirun

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The Ancient_sl said:
People also have kids to consider.
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As a child of parents who stayed married for 24 years "for the kids", it's an absolute copout. Usually, as an excuse for laziness and complacency. It had severe effects on us as kids, growing up with parents who obviously shouldn't have been together. One of my sisters is an extreme drug addict who has 2 children, her first at 17, and 5 abortions. Another sister got married at 17, has 2 kids, one at 18 and one at 19. Her husband is a "former" addict and they are in extreme financial debt, constantly borrowing money from family members and consistently "robbing Peter to pay Paul".

"For the kids" is a fucking horrible reason to stay unhappy and does far more damage to your kids than splitting up.
 
Slaythe

Slaythe

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Tarrant_sl said:
Staying in an awful marriage "for the kids" is the worst reason (and possibly the most destructive) a person can choose.
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My brother and I were pretty much grown once my parents marriage really hit rock bottom. I was finishing high school. My brother was older and married at that point. I don't really remember anything too bad prior. This would have been 15 years ago.

They're still together. My mom will say she wants to preserve whatever money my Dad will end up with to give to her kids. I wish she would have ditched him as she's a great person and could have been happier that stretch of time.

Even in that situation, where we weren't young, I think her "for the kids" logic was wrong.
 
mkopec

mkopec

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Tarrant_sl said:
Staying in an awful marriage "for the kids" is the worst reason (and possibly the most destructive) a person can choose.
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This is such a BS thing, really. I guess its a thing to say these days and is totally not based around reality. Reality is that children from divorced families have higher rates of emotional problems, early sexual experimenting, dropping out of school, delinquency, teen pregnancy, and drug use. Later in life they experience greater chance of depression, and relationship problems. There has been several long term studies revolving around this.

Couple this with the wives getting custody of the kids some 90% of the time, resulting in worse conditions for the kids after divorce for most kids where the father was the main breadwinner in the family. Add a boyfriend into the mix, the studies show greater chance for abuse by the boyfriend.

Remarriage was no solution; children in stepfamilies were two to three times more likely than their counterparts to suffer emotional and behavioral problems and twice as likely to have learning problems.
 
Khane

Khane

Got something right about marriage
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mkopec_sl said:
This is such a BS thing, really. I guess its a thing to say these days and is totally not based around reality. Reality is that children from divorced families have higher rates of emotional problems, early sexual experimenting, dropping out of school, delinquency, teen pregnancy, and drug use. Later in life they experience greater chance of depression, and relationship problems. There has been several long term studies revolving around this.

Couple this with the wives getting custody of the kids some 90% of the time, resulting in worse conditions for the kids after divorce for most kids where the father was the main breadwinner in the family. Add a boyfriend into the mix, the studies show greater chance for abuse by the boyfriend.

Remarriage was no solution; children in stepfamilies were two to three times more likely than their counterparts to suffer emotional and behavioral problems and twice as likely to have learning problems.
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If your parents suck you've got an uphill battle whether they are married or divorced.
 
Slaythe

Slaythe

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Probably hard to pull statistics on children of parents that stayed together but shouldn't have though, right?
 
Soygen

Soygen

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I would rather see statistics on the parents themselves. What percentage of those divorced parents were total fuck-ups who shouldn't have been having kids, let alone getting married?
 
Hoss

Hoss

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Tenks_sl said:
I'm not a child that is a product of a divorced house but I'd have to assume that the kid would prefer to have two separate but happy parents than two together but hate each other parents
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You act like those are the only 2 options. Those aren't even the 2 most likely options in my limited experience. Divorced parents will hate each other and eventually one will think the other is trying to turn the children against them and start trying to do the same.

The question should be, what's worse for the child; 2 parents married and unhappy, or 2 parents divorced and bickering and using the kids as leverage. If the couple can stay married 'for the children', then they should also be able to act civil towards each other 'for the children'.

I think the worst situation for a child is the one where they wind up with a bad relationship with one or both parents. Two adults who purportedly care enough about their kids to consider a decade+ of misery for their benefit should be able to sit down together and figure out how to make that happen. The only thing I am sure of is that the answer is not one size fits all.
 
chaos

chaos

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Tarrant_sl said:
It's like you're describing my marriage.

A little over a year ago my wife "couldn't get out of bed" for a week and lost her job. Her job was just too negative and hard on her mentally and emotionally until it put her in bed for a week. I get she processes things differently than most people but here's the skinny of it...if she isn't working, we can't pay for stuff (eventually) She lost her job (of course, because this wasn't the first time she had done it) and I ended up having to pull for my 401K to pay our mortgage. So now anytime she is "sick" I have to worry about if she'll pull the same thing again because depressed or not, I can't live a live where the other person will allow themselves to screw over their family.

Mine refuses to go talk to anyone either because all they do is "talk about things I should do, like I'm living my life the wrong way" .....well....yeah, that's sorta the point.

Our son we have together, we do the majority of things by ourselves. I can't tell you the last family holiday she attended with us....and it's HER family. She just lays in the room all the time watching Netflix or whatever else. Like I said before, If I'm going to live like a single father, I'll do it in an environment where I'm not walking on egg shells 24/7. Heck, just the other day she pulled up the "Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego" theme song on her phone and I chuckled, she then got super man and said if I was going to judge her she'd just go in the bedroom, and stormed off and I didn't see her the rest of the night. At that point, I'm almost glad tit happens because I'd rather have that then a possible fight happen for the next 4 hours as she looks for things to be mad about.

This isn't to say she doesn't do some family things, she does...but it's not nearly enough. It's awesome when she's in the bedroom for 3 days and will come out and see me on the computer or my phone and try to complain that that's all I do, Nevermind the fact I just made her dinner and cleaned up the place for the evening. I just laugh at her anymore, audibly.

We're in the same boat bro, you need to realize it and start working on finding your life preserver like I am because no happiness will exist in the one we're in now. Fleeting moments don't count, we both know that. I bet you were like me and when she has 3 good days or so you are like "Well things are getting better..." and allow it to erase weeks worth of it, or whatever really messed up thing she had just done not to long ago...and then the process starts all over again. It's the only roller coaster in the world that's not fun, stop riding it, for your sake, and your daughters. You don't want them growing up thinking that's normal living.
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That's the whole thing, I don't want them growing up thinking this shit is normal. I don't want to be insensitive to whatever it is that is wrong with her, and I want to help, but god damn dude sometimes it feels like that's all I do is deal with her shit, talk about her problems, tiptoe around her anxieties.

You're right, I constantly find myself going "hey she's getting better" when it has been a few days of just normalcy, then it will be followed by 2 weeks of just bad. I'm still holding out hope that maybe she will see that I am serious and she needs to get help, that she is not able to deal and it is impacting the kids. But I don't know.
 
Antilles

Antilles

Idiot Savaunt
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I was 14 when my parents divorced. It was fairly obvious to me at the time that their relationship was shit and it made the most sense for everyone if they split up. If it messed with anyone, it was probably my youngest brothers (the aforementioned twins) who were 8 at the time. I've got a different relationship with them than I do with our other brother, who was 11 then, because they effectively spent half of their childhood with my step mom whereas I was on my way out of the house.

I'm not sure that they would've been any better off had our parents stuck it out. I think my dad does a poor job choosing women.
 
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The Ancient_sl

shitlord
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mkopec_sl said:
This is such a BS thing, really. I guess its a thing to say these days and is totally not based around reality. Reality is that children from divorced families have higher rates of emotional problems, early sexual experimenting, dropping out of school, delinquency, teen pregnancy, and drug use. Later in life they experience greater chance of depression, and relationship problems. There has been several long term studies revolving around this.

Couple this with the wives getting custody of the kids some 90% of the time, resulting in worse conditions for the kids after divorce for most kids where the father was the main breadwinner in the family. Add a boyfriend into the mix, the studies show greater chance for abuse by the boyfriend.

Remarriage was no solution; children in stepfamilies were two to three times more likely than their counterparts to suffer emotional and behavioral problems and twice as likely to have learning problems.
Click to expand...
No way bro, they've got feels data.
 
Gavinmad

Gavinmad

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chaos_sl said:
That's the whole thing, I don't want them growing up thinking this shit is normal.
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Then divorce really is your only option isn't it?

I mean seriously, give me 3 solid, rational reasons why you want to stay in this marriage. P.S. Love isn't a rational reason.
 
chaos

chaos

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I'd lose my wife, maybe my kids, fuck their lives up in an entirely different and unpredictable way, then my kids are being raised by an unstable woman, she probably movs to Florida with her family and I never see them, the crushing weight of the spousal support agreement leads me to blowing guys in the Union Square bathroom just to make rent, I catch hep c and the drugs end up destroying my brain, I lose my job, finally work up the nerve to kill myself then I find jesus, become a mormon, and spend the rest of my life going door to door telling people about the most amazing book.
 
Gavinmad

Gavinmad

Mr. Poopybutthole
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Not a single part of that was rational, so unless you were intentionally trying to be funny, try again.

Unless you think it's none of my business, in which case just say so.
 
Kaige

Kaige

<WoW Guild Officer>
<WoW Guild Officer>
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Chaos and Tarrant could divorce their wives and move in together. Pretend to be a gay couple and you could keep the kids probably. If anyone tries to take them, just scream discrimination. You'd get a ton of support and a healthy kickstarter fund.

The rest of us can debate on who we think is the top and who is the bottom.
 
Khane

Khane

Got something right about marriage
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Kaige_sl said:
Chaos and Tarrant could divorce their wives and move in together. Pretend to be a gay couple and you could keep the kids probably. If anyone tries to take them, just scream discrimination. You'd get a ton of support and a healthy kickstarter fund.

The rest of us can debate on who we think is the top and who is the bottom.
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They're both bottoms. They ass to ass with a double sider.
 
Antilles

Antilles

Idiot Savaunt
113
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One is an INTJ (spoiler alert I'm almost through 2014 and that was an awful derail among many other awful derails) and the other I didn't see a type response from. Perhaps rather than debating top vs bottom, we delve into whether one or both are power bottoms?
 
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