Izo
Tranny Chaser
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Marriage and the Power of Divorce
- Thread starter Grumpus
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Guest, it's time once again for the massively important and exciting FoH Asshat Tournament!
Go here and give us your nominations!Who's been the biggest Asshat in the last year? Give us your worst ones!
chaos
Buzzfeed Editor
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I am joking, but it isn't irrational to not want to lose your wife and children or live in crushing financial distress.
His point is none of those are rationally guaranteed.
I heard this a lot when I was in the Marines. Some married guy would come in and tell me his story about his terrible wife and say he has to stick it out because of the kids. I would always tell them that if she is truly the way you say she is you need to be proactive and start filing police reports or start making sure the school knows or something concrete you can get done. If she is truly that bad you sticking around because she "might" get the kids is the worst you can do for the kids.
If she is that bad you owe it to the kids to try and yank them out of that forcibly.
Palum
what Suineg set it to
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You want your kids to turn out like Mist?
I'm not trying to make light of your issue, but seriously, you have toforceher to get therapy (ultimatums, home care visit, whatever) at this point. It is completely selfish of her to emotionally fuck with her kids and it's completely selfish of you to not do every earthly, reasonable thing to not have her fuck them over too. Sorry to say. I understand your desire to not push things, but she's forced your hand here.
Tarrant
<Prior Amod>
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I agree that it's not irrational to not want to lose your family...but at this point, do you really have all of your family? Just because you live with your wife doesn't mean you're together. Chances are you feel like an outsider in your own home when she's around and you walk on egg shells. That's not a cohesive family, that's you haven'g already lost it and staying around because you're hopeful it'll change and you're afraid of what life will be after the fact.
Can it be scary? Well yeah, of course. But at some point you're going to need to realize that the unknown is much more preferable than being miserable. At least with the unknown you have a chance at being happy...in your current situation, you aren't....except for fleeting moments which only serve to make the down parts even worse because you set yourself up into thinking that there was hope.
The only reason I'm talking like this is because you and I live similar lives in terms of our family and wives. Even if I somehow do not get custody of my son (which I've documented a lot of things over the course of two years to help my case) I'll at least have the comfort of going home every night to a home that I no longer feel like an emotional victim. When's the last time you looked forward to going home knowing she was there? If you have to think about the answer, it's time to start really thinking things over.
My kids, in the end will be fine because I know I'm a good father and the time they will be with me will be good quality time. When my two oldest come visit me, they know, and tell me that they love it here because I offer a stable environment and they know they can always rely on me. My son at the age of 10 was telling my daughter at the age of 6 the reasons we split up and why I my place was so much different than the chaos they lived in (just unorganized and undisciplined) Kids are smarter than you give them credit for, should you leave, they'll see the differences strait away and come to the conclusion that while they love their mother, there's something wrong there and will be glad for the time they get with you. In the end, it may even serve to bring you closer.
Then again, maybe it wont and maybe it'll be really hard. But at least with this option...happiness is on the table for you.
Tarrant
<Prior Amod>
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That'll throw up a wall so high and thick he'll never get through. The harder he pushes the more resistant she'll be, a flat out ultimatum will explode in his face if he's trying to fix it.
Which leaves the only option as her wanting to get help. Which is no real option at all.
chaos
Buzzfeed Editor
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I don't know. Things are not good right now, definitely. And haven't been for a while. But we're not there yet. I keep feeling like I can get her to understand. Not force her, but just help her to see how fucked up this is. All joking aside, I can get over pretty much anything I'm sure, but losing my kids would destroy me. I know I'm not the first guy to say that but whatever. It's true. I don't want to lose her either but whenever I think about it I focus on them.
Antilles
Idiot Savaunt
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A coworker just finalized his divorce not too long ago. They have two kids together, but the entire process was pretty rough and seemed to take closer to a year.
The shittiest part about the situation? She was dealing with some mental issues and initiated their separation, and at one point after tried to kill him while behind the wheel of a car. Fortunately he was able to avoid serious injury and the kids were not present. The only thing he did "for the kids" was to not reveal the full extent of what she did or tried to do during the divorce proceedings. They ended up with a 50/50 split and she's been able to get some help and maintain some semblance of normalcy for the kids sake, but fuck.
The shittiest part about the situation? She was dealing with some mental issues and initiated their separation, and at one point after tried to kill him while behind the wheel of a car. Fortunately he was able to avoid serious injury and the kids were not present. The only thing he did "for the kids" was to not reveal the full extent of what she did or tried to do during the divorce proceedings. They ended up with a 50/50 split and she's been able to get some help and maintain some semblance of normalcy for the kids sake, but fuck.
chaos
Buzzfeed Editor
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That isn't true, though. Our situation, we don't have any family up here and she can't afford to live on her own in this expensive as fuck area. So what happens? The courts give her custody and she takes the kids a thousand miles away and proceeds to crazy all over them. Or we get joint custody and in order for her to stay here I have to continue paying all her bills and move into a homeless shelter in the meantime. So much potential for disaster. I have sat up nights considering that path and there is nothing good for anyone. This is like, best case scenario, assuming she doesn't turn bitter and REALLY try to fuck me, or poison the kids against me. Maintaining the status quo, at least for right now, definitely doesn't make me happy but it also doesn't send my life down a horrific spiral of despair. And really, if she just fucking tries to get help, this is all moot.
Palum
what Suineg set it to
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It's not a good solution, but it's the last one left when they won't seek help, you have to bring it to them. Also, it's important to realize that depression has different effects on people. Some people are somewhat functional but end up being incapable of getting help because theycan'tsee a beneficial end to it/ they only see it as a detriment.
I mean, let's not pretend that you wouldn't take your 12 year old to the doctor who had clinical depression and force them to go to therapy and if necessary get on drugs at least temporarily. It's certainly not the first stop and I really don't agree with 'medicate to cure' but in some cases chemical imbalances have to be corrected they can't simply be ignored. Would you let your kid just tell you they don't want help and watch as they fail out of school and commit suicide? If the answer is no, why would you let your wife do that? If you can't act like an adult, get treated like a child. Sick accidental pun.
Tarrant
<Prior Amod>
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She would have to petition the court to leave the state with them, which is hard to do, even for the women.
Also parental alienation is against the law, you have the kids tell the family court that she is poisoning them against you and you'll get them.
Lawyer up with a lawyer that specializes in dads getting custody, they exist and they do their jobs well. Being afraid is no excuse to have to ignore your kid when she asks "Why isn't mommy joining us, why is she crying, why is she acting nuts, why did she try to slit your throat in your sleep?" and pretend everything instead is okay.
It's not.
And "IF" she gets help...how long you gonna hold on to that one? Another year? two? ten? We both know that train of thought just keeps leading you the path you've been in for awhile now.
iannis
Musty Nester
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Well, Chaos has been describing this for a while.
I'm sorta with Chaos. If it can be salvaged, no matter how ugly that is, it's worth trying to. For better or worse is a real thing as real as the welfare of the children.
But it DOES seem like it's gotten to the point where he's going to have to forcibly and physically beat her into submission. And Chaosbro ain't no Muslim.
You never want to have to treat your wife like a child. But you really might have to wait for the moment where she is weakest and strike. I'm not talking about actually wailing on her. She's breaking herself down, you get her at the low point and enforce the terms of YOUR armistice. She doesn't get a say. Not right now.
And that is a terrible thing to do to the woman you love. It makes you feel just wretched. But even more dangerous than that it makes you feel superior and right.
I'm sorta with Chaos. If it can be salvaged, no matter how ugly that is, it's worth trying to. For better or worse is a real thing as real as the welfare of the children.
But it DOES seem like it's gotten to the point where he's going to have to forcibly and physically beat her into submission. And Chaosbro ain't no Muslim.
You never want to have to treat your wife like a child. But you really might have to wait for the moment where she is weakest and strike. I'm not talking about actually wailing on her. She's breaking herself down, you get her at the low point and enforce the terms of YOUR armistice. She doesn't get a say. Not right now.
And that is a terrible thing to do to the woman you love. It makes you feel just wretched. But even more dangerous than that it makes you feel superior and right.
Palum
what Suineg set it to
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I can't believe you guys are equating forcing your spouse to go to the mother fuckin doctor's office with muslims or calling it a 'life changing decision' (in the negative way).
How is this even a discussion? Get in the car, we are going to see a doctor.
How is this even a discussion? Get in the car, we are going to see a doctor.
iannis
Musty Nester
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Only because when a woman gets like this you probably know exactly what Chaos is facing on the childish/petulant/emotional/stonewall front. And he probably has tried to lay down the law to her, and she's rebelled.
We have to assume that like most white people, he has entered into an arrangement of equals. So he has to switch the rules for a little bit and become dominant. Not just firm and nice, but like "Bitch. Get your shit." levels of dominant.
And hopefully doing that alone consistiently will be enough to snap her head up far enough that she can realize this is becoming (if not has been) a real problem. Like it does a child. But odds are very good that she just decides he's being an asshole now and she rationalizes it into an excuse to circle around again.
We have to assume that like most white people, he has entered into an arrangement of equals. So he has to switch the rules for a little bit and become dominant. Not just firm and nice, but like "Bitch. Get your shit." levels of dominant.
And hopefully doing that alone consistiently will be enough to snap her head up far enough that she can realize this is becoming (if not has been) a real problem. Like it does a child. But odds are very good that she just decides he's being an asshole now and she rationalizes it into an excuse to circle around again.
moonarchia
The Scientific Shitlord
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Someone as fucked up as your wife may take the kids with her if she decides to kill herself. You already lost her a long time ago at this point, but you're trying to fix things you can't fix. Document her behavior thoroughly for the courts and file for full custody. Divorce or not, you need to get yourself and your kids somewhere away from her until she gets her shit together or tops herself.
Palum
what Suineg set it to
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There's always that risk. I've been through literally that exact scenario, she kept doubling down and every half-assed attempt at 'forcing' her to get help turned into this "I'm not a child, you can't talk to me blah blah".
I had been staying out of it largely until the end. I sat down across from her and very calmly told her that if she continued to act like she had been, hurting the family and refusing help, I would ensure she never had a place in the family to return to. She started doing the normal anger/laughing bullshit until she realized I was deadly serious and despite storming off she made changes and saw a therapist. I'm sad it came to that and we're good now, but of course it only worked because I was NOT bullshitting the entire time with fake threats followed up by letting her get away with childish, irrational behavior.
What else was there to do? Shit doesn't just stop on its own. That said, if your spouse doesn't trust you enough to listen to your advice, I mean you can try it but really - either they are so disabled by mental illness they cannot make sound decisions and you MUST take charge of their care, or they don't respect you or the relationship enough to heed your advice and listen to you (or even your kids) so fuck 'em.
Tarrant
<Prior Amod>
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I think of anyone here or most people he may possibly know, can relate to him more with what he's going though. Our situations are almost identical. I've not told him what to do, just encouraged him to see he's in a cycle that never ends and it would be healthier to stop it one way ot the other...and by doing so, is not the end of the world like he is scared it will be.
If she won't get help, he needs to seek another avenue to go down because he'll end up empty and bitter. Trust me, I know...and I'm not just saying that to bullshit anyone.
Gravy
Bronze Squire
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