Marriage and the Power of Divorce

I'm not even judging, if the right thing for you is to bail on your wife and go for a shot with this chick, then do it. Just don't pretend like you don't already know the answer, your actions say you do. I don't meet anyone for 5 minutes who doesn't know I'm married. They can see the resentment and desperation in my face at all times, I am sure. You've known this chick for months and she found out just now, from an off-handed comment, that you're married. Bro... bro...

Yeah, there's no doubt Wormie was already subconsciously looking or open to it if this is the first time mentioning his marriage. It also probably speaks to his true satisfaction with the marriage, on some level, anyway. If you were really in a happy, fulfilling relationship, you'll talk about it instead of hiding it or forgetting about it.

DickTrickle_sl said:

Yeah, there's no doubt Wormie was already subconsciously looking or open to it if this is the first time mentioning his marriage. It also probably speaks to his true satisfaction with the marriage, on some level, anyway. If you were really in a happy, fulfilling relationship, you'll talk about it instead of hiding it or forgetting about it.

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This is another one of the unfortunate side-effects of the Disney generation making marriage out to be some magical fantasy-land utopia instead of looking at it critically. As if simply transitioning by throwing some huge kegger and signing a financial contract that could only be considered malfeasance if contrived by the state in a different situation suddenly changes the very fabric of space-time to modify your life and viewpoint accordingly. The fact is that time is zero sum - you have to make a conscious decision to continue to invest in a marriage like any relationship IF you want to gain the most stability and benefit from it.

Wormie's has finally come to the realization that instead of a list of arbitrary benefits, there is rather an opportunity cost for maintaining a marriage, just like kids, your career choice, an education and getting a burrito from Chipotle instead of Cafe Rio.

wormie_sl said:

I concisiously did not mention marriage. This went much further than i ever imagined.

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Well that's a horse of a different color.

By which I mean you're completely at fault for how far this has gone and the way it's potentially endangering your marriage.

wormie_sl said:

I didnt really realize it but chaos is right.

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Not that a forever alone basement dweller is any more of an authority on the subject, but he's only right when he points out that you deliberately concealed your marriage. The rest of his post sounds like an escape of pent up bitterness from the way his own home life is circling the bowl. Married or not, you've been with your wife for 9 years, that's not something you lightly toss away because you're infatuated with a classmate.

I will say it's funny how you seem to have an epiphany about this every day though. Yesterday you were like you guys are right, I need to calm down and let this go, and tonight you're more like 'i think this chick is my soulmate'.

I'm just fucking around in my post.I was serious about the deliberate withholding though.

Dude this sounds like straight up infatuation. Tons of married guys deal with this. Bottom line is that it wears off. You really do have a good thing with your wife and it is 100% certain that you will not feel the same about study girl down the road. Like I said, could be good or bad, idk, I can barely run my own life.

Jerking off before talking to her actually isn't a bad idea. It might help clear your head.

chaos_sl said:

Jerking off before talking to her actually isn't a bad idea. It might help clear your head.

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I had one clear my head once. Damn near put my eye out.

Make a move on her, wormie. I want to see if you're friend zone.

How could there be virtue without temptation?

How can you see the strength of your character if it is never tested?

At least in this one the right answer is easy to see.. smart pretty girls 14 years younger will allways want to stick around for a long term relationship, especially after finishing study...

Stop using porn and start banging your wife more often. If your wife was a crazy bitch, or she had cheated on you, or you had reasonable suspicion that she might be now, or even if your marriage was just outright miserable in general...then I'd say fuck it go for it. No kids and wife earns more, who cares. But you're describing a relationship that's decent to good, with a woman who sounds good to great, just that you are in a bit of a rut. You can't throw that away on a piece you barely know.

I agree with Palum too, she could flake sooner than later if something does come out of this, then what? You'd be left holding your dick pending divorce while she bounces back to another guy. Once again, she also sounds like a potential head case and she's definitely going to be flaky to a baseline degree due to age.

Basically there's multiple ways to regret going through with this. Its going to be a lot easier to live with letting her get away than to live with losing everything else when she turns out to be a pain in the ass. Stop trying to convince yourself there's something "wrong" with your marriage because you want this girl, its nonsense. Don't feel guilty or tell your wife either. But if you put this all behind you maybe try to make some changes, in addition to the the less porn/more sex, to get your marriage back in a space where you share some better quality times again.

As far as the girl, you're going to need to dial back the extracurricular communications without being too blunt or drastic. It sounds like you guys have mostly just flirted, nothing like you've talked about how you feel or if you should just act on it. So I'm not sure a "let's just be friends talk" is in order unless she actually tried to escalate. The thing is, if you cut back on the communication/flirting then it will be interesting to see if that causes her to attempt escalation. The best thing about that situation is you said she's seeing someone, so it "should" be easy.

Source: internet opinion guy.

Phazael_sl said:

Hell, I am happily married and people know almost instantly. Wormie, at some level you are encouraging this.

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Yes. I'd say in most conversations this comes up organically in the "So, what do you do?" phase of a conversation with a stranger. I very rarely have to interject it pointedly while speaking with a woman, it's out of respect for both her and my wife -- I don't want her (random woman) to take a stab at some mild flirting then feel misled when I then clumsily mention my wife and that I'mhappilymarried.

Only been married two years, but dated long-distance for 6 -- part of living drama-free is not setting oneself up for stressful situations like wormie is in. I can appreciate the ego-stroking that a flirtacious attractive woman can give me, but I think it's important to have very very clear boundaries and one of those is not only being a happy husband, but making sure that every stranger that meets me is aware of that status as well.

I can't fathom speaking with a woman for months, growing close enough to develop an emotional attractive, and her not knowing I'm married. That's a big wtf to me; it isn't physical cheating but it does seem like a very conscious series of behaviors founded in deception... and I'm no relationship scientist but that has DANGER, DRAMA AND PAIN AHEAD signs all around it.

I'd be all like inviting her to a threesome with the wife. Introduce them early. Let them be friends. Marital Bliss namean?

BrutulTM_sl said:

Anyone have experience with this? I have a neighbor that used to post pictures all the time of these hot blondes from Russia or Ukraine that were his "girlfriends". Nothing ever came of any of them though, which makes me wonder if these chicks think they're coming to the US to be some rich guy's whore and as soon as they find out what a loser my neighbor is, they're not interested. I think the Chinese mail order brides are more compliant.

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The only experience I have is a guy I used to share a cube with had a mail order bride from the Ukraine. He was a weird dude... really weird. He had a few pictures of her around his desk, all of which she looked very unimpressed with the fact he was taking her picture. Some of them she was downright scowling. The one picture I remember vividly was her in her underwear trying to paint her toenails with a mean look, pointing at the door as if to say "Get the fuck out of here with that camera dumbass". He eventually had to take that picture down because there were complaints to HR, haha.

Anyway, he used to talk about her quite frequently. He had "met" her on a "mission trip" to the Ukraine. They had been married and she had been in the U.S. for 6 years yet he would often mention the woes of living with someone who barely spoke or understood English. Which is why I assume she was a mail order bride because if she barely spoke English after 6 years of living here how the fuck was he communicating with her when he met her in the Ukraine since he didn't speak a lick of Russian.

But if those pictures are any indication she was definitely just waiting for the 7th year where she would gain full citizenship and then she was gonna leave his ass broken, battered and bruised. Every Russian/Ukrainian guy I've ever worked with is stubborn as a mule and aggravating to deal with. They are constantly vying for "alpha dominance" and do whatever the fuck they want regardless of project planning. I assume Russian/Ukrainian women want a man who takes it to that level except an alpha male would probably never use a mail order bride service so they get paired with weak, wimpering sissy men (in their eyes) that they have absolutely no respect for.

Wasn't there a failed show on like TLC about mail order brides or something?

BrutulTM_sl said:

Anyone have experience with this? I have a neighbor that used to post pictures all the time of these hot blondes from Russia or Ukraine that were his "girlfriends". Nothing ever came of any of them though, which makes me wonder if these chicks think they're coming to the US to be some rich guy's whore and as soon as they find out what a loser my neighbor is, they're not interested. I think the Chinese mail order brides are more compliant. My mailman has a wife from China that was allegedly a mail order bride and she is pretty nice and cheerful while the guy is a grouchy old fuck.

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I know a couple of mail order brides. Well, two. That counts as a couple.

They're both really smart women. I think it was just poonany was the cost of immigration. They're both naturalized and citizens now, well educated, flawless english (better than mine). They came over in their 20's. Each of their husbands are fairly wealthy and 20-30 years older than they are.

They're Phillipino's though. Mileage may vary. Maybe the not oriental ones expect more out of life or something. One's actuallyhappilymarried. The other one cheats... but the husband doesn't seem to care too much. At least I'm guessing. She's circumspect, but it's not like it's a secret. If he doesn't know it's because he doesn't want to. Maybe their arrangement was just different. It's not a question I'd ever ask her.