Big Phoenix
Pronouns: zie/zhem/zer
- 47,198
- 101,285
Marriage and the Power of Divorce
- Thread starter Grumpus
- Start date
-
Guest, it's time once again for the massively important and exciting FoH Asshat Tournament!
Go here and give us your nominations!Who's been the biggest Asshat in the last year? Give us your worst ones!
Larnix
Blackwing Lair Raider
- 598
- 2,792
I guess i need to clear a few things up and the first is that I love being home with my children and I am just comparing being a stay at home parent to a parent that had a 40+ plus hour job before that for me being an engaged parent that is home all the time is more harder then when I had a full time job. My wife who has only had the kids a few times for a weekend on her own agrees that her job plus coming home and helping in the evening is less stress then Full days with the kids.
For the first year and 10 months of my sons life I had a full time job that paid well, less then my wife but still great money. During this time I saw my son on average about an hour a day right before his bed. My wife during this time was consumed with getting him up and ready for the day.
Then we both started missing mile stones or we would get a pictures update from the sitter about something new our son had done. Have any of you gentlemen tried to console your wife about why their child is calling the babysitter mamma and not them?
In August my wife was offered another promotion that had us move from Europe back to America and we both agreed with the cost of childcare here in America that is better for us both if one of us stay home for a while.
Again we don't live in filth and dinner is ready before my wife his home every night but if it comes down to playing with my kids or making sure that next load of laundry is done its a no brainier. Again the time they are this small is so little who cares if you mess laundry or all the dishes don't make it into the machine 1 night a week. As a parent do you honestly think you will look back in 20 years and care that everyday the house wasn't inspection ready?
TL/RD I quit my job to stay at home with children, its fun but still really hard. My wife rocks because she makes lots of money and is super sexy.
For the first year and 10 months of my sons life I had a full time job that paid well, less then my wife but still great money. During this time I saw my son on average about an hour a day right before his bed. My wife during this time was consumed with getting him up and ready for the day.
Then we both started missing mile stones or we would get a pictures update from the sitter about something new our son had done. Have any of you gentlemen tried to console your wife about why their child is calling the babysitter mamma and not them?
In August my wife was offered another promotion that had us move from Europe back to America and we both agreed with the cost of childcare here in America that is better for us both if one of us stay home for a while.
Again we don't live in filth and dinner is ready before my wife his home every night but if it comes down to playing with my kids or making sure that next load of laundry is done its a no brainier. Again the time they are this small is so little who cares if you mess laundry or all the dishes don't make it into the machine 1 night a week. As a parent do you honestly think you will look back in 20 years and care that everyday the house wasn't inspection ready?
TL/RD I quit my job to stay at home with children, its fun but still really hard. My wife rocks because she makes lots of money and is super sexy.
Eomer
Trakanon Raider
- 5,472
- 272
Well bros, it has come to pass. Or, I guess it's in the process of coming to pass. The girlfriend is going to be moving out over the next few weeks, once she figures out where she's going. At least that's where we left things this morning. She's heading up North to see her family for Christmas in a couple days and she's going to think about things on the drive etc., but it seems that things are coming to a close in our relationship. She's not sure if she just needs a break or if it's done, but it feels to me like it's done. There wasn't any one thing that lead to it, she'd just been drifting away over the past 6 months or so, and as I mentioned in my massive post back in September or October, it was pretty noticeable. It had started to feel like she was just kind of tolerating me, most days.
She says she still loves me and all that, but that she's not sure where her life is going and where she's going to end up, and that we're in very different places in our lives and come from very different backgrounds etc. Some of that's true, she's 28 and I'm 35, but I think it's also her trying to justify it or talking herself out of the relationship. I didn't try talking her out of it or anything, at this point I'm fairly sick of being in a relationship where it feels like a one way street, so while I'm sad and disappointed that it's coming to a close, in a lot of ways I'm also just looking forward to moving on. When we were talking she said that we both had to decide what was up, but I said no, it's primarily up to her as I was more than happy to continue on and build a life with her, but only if she was going to be happy with that, and that it was obvious to both of us that she wasn't. So who knows, maybe we take a break and get back together, but I sincerely doubt it.
The money/finances thing came up again, of course. Whether that's a symptom or the disease in things coming apart is hard to say. Probably a bit of both. She has really kind of fucked up views about money. Most of my family has done pretty well for themselves, including aunts/uncles/cousins etc, but it's not like we're old money or something. My one grampa was a farmer who moved to the city in the early 50's with a couple young kids when he was in his mid 20's after a couple years of crop failures and handing the farm over to the bank. The other grampa was basically a Polish refugee who had nowhere to go after fighting with the British in WW2, and ended up rural Alberta with basically nothing. When she was talking about how our families are different, she started to talk about how her family was more "collectivist" and a few years ago even when her brother was struggling he had helped her out a bit, at which point I cut her off and was like "so you're saying that because my family has some money that we're greedy and I'd let my brother or sister starve in the ditch if something happened to them?" She of course said no, that's not what she meant. I asked her what exactly she was getting at in contrasting our families then, and she said she wasn't sure what she meant. Despite being fixated on the supposed differences between our families, she couldn't really articulate what she even meant or why it was such an issue for her. As far as I'm concerned, she has some deep seeded issues with money/wealth for whatever reason, and she just can't get over it.
So, I dunno, probably not worth droning on too long about. It's going to be an adjustment for sure, after spending all of my 20's and early 30's single and without a roommate, we'd settled in to a nice routine after 3 years together and 2 years living together. A big part of me is actually looking forward to being single again and not having to answer to anyone, eating what I want when I want, getting as drunk or stoned as I want, and so on. But the other part wonders if I'm just fooling myself with that, and what exactly I'm going to do with myself. The good news is I've got a nice, busy winter booked up with ski trips already and I've got lots of friends who are single, or if not single, don't have kids, so I shouldn't have a hard time keeping myself busy and not just sitting around moping.
The feels bros. The feels.
She says she still loves me and all that, but that she's not sure where her life is going and where she's going to end up, and that we're in very different places in our lives and come from very different backgrounds etc. Some of that's true, she's 28 and I'm 35, but I think it's also her trying to justify it or talking herself out of the relationship. I didn't try talking her out of it or anything, at this point I'm fairly sick of being in a relationship where it feels like a one way street, so while I'm sad and disappointed that it's coming to a close, in a lot of ways I'm also just looking forward to moving on. When we were talking she said that we both had to decide what was up, but I said no, it's primarily up to her as I was more than happy to continue on and build a life with her, but only if she was going to be happy with that, and that it was obvious to both of us that she wasn't. So who knows, maybe we take a break and get back together, but I sincerely doubt it.
The money/finances thing came up again, of course. Whether that's a symptom or the disease in things coming apart is hard to say. Probably a bit of both. She has really kind of fucked up views about money. Most of my family has done pretty well for themselves, including aunts/uncles/cousins etc, but it's not like we're old money or something. My one grampa was a farmer who moved to the city in the early 50's with a couple young kids when he was in his mid 20's after a couple years of crop failures and handing the farm over to the bank. The other grampa was basically a Polish refugee who had nowhere to go after fighting with the British in WW2, and ended up rural Alberta with basically nothing. When she was talking about how our families are different, she started to talk about how her family was more "collectivist" and a few years ago even when her brother was struggling he had helped her out a bit, at which point I cut her off and was like "so you're saying that because my family has some money that we're greedy and I'd let my brother or sister starve in the ditch if something happened to them?" She of course said no, that's not what she meant. I asked her what exactly she was getting at in contrasting our families then, and she said she wasn't sure what she meant. Despite being fixated on the supposed differences between our families, she couldn't really articulate what she even meant or why it was such an issue for her. As far as I'm concerned, she has some deep seeded issues with money/wealth for whatever reason, and she just can't get over it.
So, I dunno, probably not worth droning on too long about. It's going to be an adjustment for sure, after spending all of my 20's and early 30's single and without a roommate, we'd settled in to a nice routine after 3 years together and 2 years living together. A big part of me is actually looking forward to being single again and not having to answer to anyone, eating what I want when I want, getting as drunk or stoned as I want, and so on. But the other part wonders if I'm just fooling myself with that, and what exactly I'm going to do with myself. The good news is I've got a nice, busy winter booked up with ski trips already and I've got lots of friends who are single, or if not single, don't have kids, so I shouldn't have a hard time keeping myself busy and not just sitting around moping.
The feels bros. The feels.
- 49,452
- 236,326
Ugh. Shitty time of year for this to be happening. I hope whatever arrangement you end up with goes smoothly and no one turns into the snarky bitter bitch.
Eomer
Trakanon Raider
- 5,472
- 272
Yeah, the timing isn't great. Would have preferred we did this a month ago. On the other hand, I'm also thrilled I don't have to drive up to within 100 miles of the Northwest Territories to have an awkward hangout with her mom, her mom's boyfriend, and the boyfriend's downy adult daughter. Sleeping on an inflatable air mattress in the unfinished basement. It was the absolute shits last year. So there's that!
Big Phoenix
Pronouns: zie/zhem/zer
- 47,198
- 101,285
DickTrickle
Definitely NOT Furor Planedefiler
- 13,683
- 16,017
I'm guessing a lot of people saying it's so easy probably haven't done full time, invested, stay at home parenting themselves. There's a lot of variables at play but I hardly think it's a vacation for most who do it. Not to mention the potential isolation or weird power differential issues that can develop (but those aren't really time related).
Gavinmad
Mr. Poopybutthole
- 44,191
- 53,251
Couple months ago I stayed with a friend of mine for a week, she had some pretty severe restrictions due to pregnancy complications and her husband couldn't get out of a conference for work, the original plan having been for her to just go with. With a 2 year old and 5 year old to handle for a week, I definitely come down on the side of stay at home parenting being a lot more work than people give it credit for. The house shouldn't be a disaster area unless it has been a particularly crazy day, but don't expect it to be ready for a realtor to show it when you get home from work.
Khane
Got something right about marriage
- 20,747
- 14,524
It's not that people aren't giving stay at home parents credit. It's that stay at home parents pretend it's way fucking harder than it actually is.
The worst part of it is not having adult interaction throughout the day and, if you don't take your kids anywhere, not leaving the house. You go stir crazy. That's up to you to remedy though.
Being able to afford one parent staying at home so they can raise their kids how they see fit is a privilege many people would like, but simply isn't in the cards. So anytime you or your wife wants to bitch about how hard taking care of kids is remember it was your choice to have them in the first place, and most people simply cannot have one parent not working. Stay at home parenting is essentially a lazy person's dream until they realize kids are actual work. We all feel very sorry for you that you actually have to make an effort and become a responsible human being now that another human being is reliant on you. Parenting is a job whether you work a 9-5 or get to stay home. And every one of the responsibilities that is supposed to come with being a stay at home parent (like cleaning your frigan house) is something that working parents have to do as well.
TL;DR The type of person who actually wants to be a stay at home parent is, in most cases that I've seen, a lazy sack of shit who thinks it's a get out of work free card. Then they whine when they realize kids aren't a walk in the park.
Tarrant
<Prior Amod>
- 16,038
- 9,478
I was a stay at home father for 2 years. Once you get a routine down, it's...I don't want to say a cake walk, but it's not nearly as difficult/stressful as my regular job. I will say unless said kids are sick then at that point it's a whole different game.
Not saying Noodles wife is milking it or whatever, but shit shouldn't be a disaster area.
Khane hit the nail on the head, the worst part for me was craving adult interaction and someone I could carry on a real conversation with.
Not saying Noodles wife is milking it or whatever, but shit shouldn't be a disaster area.
Khane hit the nail on the head, the worst part for me was craving adult interaction and someone I could carry on a real conversation with.
- 49,452
- 236,326
Noodleface
A Mod Real Quick
- 38,504
- 16,477
I started working on the office myself today. She was getting all upset because I was moving stuff but I just said fuck it. You can actually walk in there now so there's that.
Palum
what Suineg set it to
- 28,542
- 47,050
I don't understand how stuff gets that disorganized, though. I mean the only thing that gets messy is my desk because I just let shit (mostly mail and the occasional game/blu-ray box) pile up. How are you going from 'not vacuumed' to hoarder paradise?
Yeah I thought I remembered you posting something pretty similar a few months back. You need to cut this girl loose regardless of what happens on her drive. Things are not getting better.