Marriage and the Power of Divorce

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Frenzied Wombat

Frenzied Wombat

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Cad_sl said:
Seems like you do understand them, you're just not willing to take the actions that your understanding would suggest. :p
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Hah yes, it always goes down the same way. Make initial sacrifice doing the shit she wants to, being dragged out with her friends, etc. Then as time goes on you're willing to do that shit less and less, she starts getting insecure and crazy thinking you don't "care" anymore, tolerance for The Crazy reaches an equilibrium point where the pussy just isn't worth it, and it then ends. Rinse and repeat.

Women ultimately expect you to show the same level of enthusiasm you first demonstrated at the start of the relationship, and imho that isn't realistic. They seem to thrive and *need* that "intoxicating" level of love, while guys are ok (and in my case prefer) the predictable routine that develops over time. This is why 75% of divorces are initiated by women-- "He just isn't the man I first met" being the #1 reason.

Tenks_sl said:
If you're an introvert who likes alone time then find another chick who also hates going out, hates being around people and favors being alone -- then be alone together.
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Find me a hot chick that's a homebody and likes playing video games and action flicks and I'll give you a $10K referral fee if it works out. I live in Dallas, so good luck with that.
 
moontayle

moontayle

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Wife and I are alike in enough ways to make being together worthwhile but have enough differences to keep things interesting. We love gaming together, in fact it's our go-to activity, but we typically don't foster a dependency on the other person for the enjoyment of the activity. Even when we play an MMO with the Tank/Healer dynamic we do so mostly because of the ease in which we can put groups together and get shit done. The playtime is enhanced by each other's presence, but it's not reliant on it. The only real restriction usually comes during the leveling process, which typically doesn't last long enough to negatively impact things. Other than that, it's not unusual for both of us to be online doing our own thing. In fact, right now she's heavy into Black Desert and I'm still into SWTOR plus a couple of offline games.

I think the key for us stems from how our relationship got started and the way it progressed during our first years together. The entire thing is too long to list out, but we did not spend a lot of time together physically for various reasons and still do actually. Initially it was our separate lives in the Navy (me) and college (her), then our massively different work schedules, which honestly hasn't changed much over the years. First me with night shifts, then rotating 12 hour shifts. Then her with restaurant management shifts. I have normal hours now but she's still doing restaurant management. It's made what time we do spend together very precious to us. It also helps that we're good friends. That was the basis for our relationship and it hasn't changed in nearly twenty years (this year is 15 years married).

I consider myself pretty damned lucky though and don't expect everyone to have the same sort of experience. That said, you're in for a rough time if your interests don't overlap in some form or fashion. There has be a common ground that exists outside the physical realm (you can't just like fucking each other), otherwise there's nothing long term about the relationship to begin with. Because there will be times when the physical aspect is non-existent and you'll need to have something to do besides sitting around twiddling your thumbs.
 
Cad

Cad

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Frenzied Wombat_sl said:
Hah yes, it always goes down the same way. Make initial sacrifice doing the shit she wants to, being dragged out with her friends, etc. Then as time goes on you're willing to do that shit less and less, she starts getting insecure and crazy thinking you don't "care" anymore, tolerance for The Crazy reaches an equilibrium point where the pussy just isn't worth it, and it then ends. Rinse and repeat.
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Well, I think at some point in a successful LTR you reach an equilibrium where she is cool with the amount of attention you're giving, and you're cool with the amount of work that takes. I honestly think it's part of growing up for a woman to realize that she is not a disney princess and it is not your life's mission to make her feel special. Anymore than it is her job to make you feel special. I think if the cycle you're describing keeps happening over and over, you're picking the wrong women.

Frenzied Wombat_sl said:
Find me a hot chick that's a homebody and likes playing video games and action flicks and I'll give you a $10K referral fee if it works out. I live in Dallas, so good luck with that.
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I mean, I know one.
smile.png
Minus the video games. But she's taken.
 
Noodleface

Noodleface

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Do you guys really believe a woman that wants to play video games all day is going to look good?

We already know from a previous story that the MMO ones are fat morbidos
 
Kriptini

Kriptini

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Noodlemod_sl said:
Do you guys really believe a woman that wants to play video games all day is going to look good?

We already know from a previous story that the MMO ones are fat morbidos
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I know of a 10/10 who plays hours of League of Legends or WoW a day. She also works out a couple times a week. When I first met her she had a reyall bad drug problem but she's way past it now.
 
Tarrant

Tarrant

<Prior Amod>
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Kriptini_sl said:
I know of a 10/10 who plays hours of League of Legends or WoW a day. She also works out a couple times a week. When I first met her she had a reyall bad drug problem but she's way past it now.
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Does she stream? Tell her to quit her job and make way more streaming.
 
Phazael

Phazael

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Well you have to pick your compromise. My wife is chunky, but she is not a hagbeast. Looks are going to go, so I went for the brains and attitude instead. If looks land at the top of your priority list, you probably are not going to make it in a LTR anyhow. I am not saying marry Shelly, I am just saying be reasonable and realize that any perfect person out there is going to be taken, so prioritize shit that really matters to you. And if a rotating cast of bangmaids is what you want, then by all means do it. No one HAS to get married or have kids to "win" at life.
 
Khane

Khane

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If I could find a woman who was legitimately OK with never co-habitating I think I might be able to pull off a lasting marriage. Maybe.
 
Frenzied Wombat

Frenzied Wombat

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Cad_sl said:
Well, I think at some point in a successful LTR you reach an equilibrium where she is cool with the amount of attention you're giving, and you're cool with the amount of work that takes. I honestly think it's part of growing up for a woman to realize that she is not a disney princess and it is not your life's mission to make her feel special. Anymore than it is her job to make you feel special. I think if the cycle you're describing keeps happening over and over, you're picking the wrong women.



I mean, I know one.
smile.png
Minus the video games. But she's taken.
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Admittedly my dick highly influences my decision making process, and my job/income attracts the wrong type of women which doesn't help. But as I'm sure you're aware, A LOT of the attractive local women have "Disney Princess" syndrome. They want the fat ring, they want doors opened for them, they want you to plan everything, etc. They want all the traditional relationship aspects that benefit them, but have conveniently dispensed with the things they are supposed to do in return. Mention cooking and they'll joke that they "burn water", as if such a statement is actually cute and a symbol of just how much a "modern woman" they are. Double standard feminism is the new norm.

Anyways, I'm cool with doing the single male merry-go-round. My parents went through four nasty marriages by the time I was 18, so I'm going to pass on that Pain Train. When I saw Kramer vs Kramer as a kid I thought it was a comedy. I would ideally like a kid (something that only hit me after both my parents died), but don't see how I could reach the confidence point to get married, and not interested in doing the baby daddy thing with monthly check to rent my kid for half the month.
 
Soygen

Soygen

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Khane_sl said:
If I could find a woman who was legitimately OK with never co-habitating I think I might be able to pull off a lasting marriage. Maybe.
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I was scared shitless about my girlfriend moving in after living alone for so long. I'll be honest, though; she's been living in my house(with her 6 year old son) since last September and not only is it not nearly as bad as I feared, I'm actually really appreciating having some help. I've been doing everything for myself for such a long time that I forgot what it was like to have some help. My last few relationships were not wife material at all.

A large part of why it works, though, is that her son is with his dad on most weekends and she also takes him to her parents like once a week and they stay there. With someone who likes a lot of alone time(me), that has helped the transition immensely.
 
P

Picasso3

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^ my wife mows the lawn and shit. You half the overhead of living and between the two of you there's usually one that feels like doing whatever needs to be done.
 
Khane

Khane

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I don't mind living with women at all. They mind living with me for all the reasons I and others have mentioned about me being cool with being alone.

I'm not very gracious when it comes to dealing with a woman who suddenly needs my attention the second I sit down at my computer simply because she doesn't like that I want to play a video game by myself. This isn't an issue before we co-habitate because I am very extroverted, very outgoing and have a lot of different hobbies. It's also a complete non-issue in the summer when I am pretty much always out doing something else (usually with them) and am unlike Kirun and Fifey in that I do not need alone time, I just happen to be perfectly content when I am alone. But when winter hits and I go into New England grizzly man mode and hibernate in my office for long stretches of time at my computer? Shit hits the fan. They have no idea how much I play video games in the winter before they move in with me and they think I'm purposefully avoiding them.

So what do I do when they try to get me to spend time with them by asking me to watch some stupid sitcom I have no interest in? I tell them in no uncertain terms that it's just not going to happen. I'm not mean (in my mind) but because I'm so frank when it comes to matters like that they interpret it as aggressive condescension. Like Kirun and Fifey have mentioned about themselves I am also selfish and I am perfectly fine with that (I am never going to change because I see nothing wrong with it) so I think the only real way for me to have a lasting, happy relationship is if we don't co-habitate because I honestly don't think a woman who is truly OK with me "ignoring" her when we live together exists. And for those of you that do have women like that, I am going to assume there are also kids in the picture to occupy her time and need for attention which lets you off the hook.
 
Cad

Cad

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Frenzied Wombat_sl said:
Admittedly my dick highly influences my decision making process, and my job/income attracts the wrong type of women which doesn't help. But as I'm sure you're aware, A LOT of the attractive local women have "Disney Princess" syndrome. They want the fat ring, they want doors opened for them, they want you to plan everything, etc. They want all the traditional relationship aspects that benefit them, but have conveniently dispensed with the things they are supposed to do in return. Mention cooking and they'll joke that they "burn water", as if such a statement is actually cute and a symbol of just how much a "modern woman" they are. Double standard feminism is the new norm.

Anyways, I'm cool with doing the single male merry-go-round. My parents went through four nasty marriages by the time I was 18, so I'm going to pass on that Pain Train. When I saw Kramer vs Kramer as a kid I thought it was a comedy. I would ideally like a kid (something that only hit me after both my parents died), but don't see how I could reach the confidence point to get married, and not interested in doing the baby daddy thing with monthly check to rent my kid for half the month.
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I think you're older than me so unless you're willing to pluck a needy daddy-issues girl out of college or take on divorcee baggage you're probably not going to find a stable woman at this point. If they're single in their 30's and never been married there's a good reason, I think. Same for men, sorry to say. If you were going to get married you would've by now.
 
T

Tenks

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Frenzied Wombat_sl said:
Find me a hot chick that's a homebody and likes playing video games and action flicks and I'll give you a $10K referral fee if it works out. I live in Dallas, so good luck with that.
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Why does she have to like video games? It isn't very hard. Just find a girl who lists reading, movies and TV as interests on her profile. If she lists "clubbing, hanging out with friends, bars, concerts" as her interests and then you pull the "omg I just want to stay at home!" card two years later thats on you not her.

-edit-

Also if you try and mix "fake tits, fake face, fake lips, fake ass" and "stay at home wholesome girl" you really need to figure out which are actually important. A chick won't put in that much effort to look good without wanting to go out and show it off.
 
Nester

Nester

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Kirun_sl said:
Yeah, this is what happens pretty frequently with us as well. It isn't even so much that I dislike company/interaction, it's just that I'm perfectly content doing things by myself, and sometimes I just want to be left the fuck alone. She interprets this as selfish, uncaring, unloving, etc., but like I try to explain, I don't interact withanyoneat times.

Shit, when we were living in Beaverton, there were times I'd take the hour or so to drive to Arch Cape and just sit on the beach for hours, by myself. We also spent plenty of beach trips together, but there were times I just needed some fucking solitude. It wasn't because I didn't love her, or didn't care, but I just wanted some time to reflect on life and the Oregon coast is my absolute "zen" zone (I miss it like hell). I mean, this is a pretty typical interaction when it comes to doing "stuff"...

Me: "Hey, babe. I'm going to go do X. You're more than welcome to come, but I don't think it's really you're thing and you're probably going to be bored. But, you're more than welcome to come..
Her: *reluctance on her voice* "Yeah, I'll go.."
Me: "You sure? Seriously, it's not a big deal if you'd rather just stay home.."
Her: "I'll come.."

We'd go, she'd not be very interactive, then on the ride home it'd be nonstop complaining about how that wasn't her thing, she shouldn't have gone, next time she doesn't care if I just go by myself, etc. Obviously, this usually led to some sort of argument, ending in me bitching about "space". She'd relax for a while, long enough for the following to happen..

Me: "Hey, babe. I'm going to go do X again. You hate going, so I'm going to go do X by myself.."
Her: "Ok, I want you to have fun! Bye!"

A number of hours later, when I got home, she'd be pouting in her room about how I'm selfish, I'd rather spend time with X or doing Y instead of with her, blah blah blah. It's a losing game and I'm reaching my breaking point.

Now, ahugepart of the problem is her lack of hobbies, but she hasn't shown any real interest in developing/discovering her own and I'll be goddamned if I'm dragging her along on mine - almost all of which she hates or sucks at. Prior LTRs I've had also weren't as codependent either, but my past relationships havealwaysdevolved into some sort of version of this scenario. Girls telling me that I'm "distant", not "caring", "selfish", etc. And you know what? I'm perfectly willing to admit that it's a very real possibility that I'm all of those things and just not cut out for a relationship, but it'll be a cold fucking day in hell when I give up everything that makes me.."me". It's hilarious that women fall in love with the person that youare, yet spend a lifetime trying to change the very same qualities they fell in love with. Then, they're shocked when things aren't working out anymore.

Originally, I thought maybe this was all a result of my standards being "too high" and "hot bitches be crazy". The thing is, I've downgraded in the looks department on every subsequent LTR and it doesn't ever seem to change. In some cases, the "uglier" chicks can be an entirely different hassle, because they come with more self-esteem issues.
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My advice (take it for what it is worth) is stop asking people to do things with you if you do not actually want them to do it. Forget the "if you don't want to come" shit, IMO that is playing games.

IF you want to go to the beach and chill by yourself (which I totally need to do from time to time) tell the wife that is what is happening. The first few times it may suck however if she can get over it you are going to be in a good place.



In 2010 I move my wife from the big city where all her family lives to 5 hours away to a small town of about 50k.
She also had to work at the next town over so it was very hard for her to make friends. We also have no children (not with out trying) so everytime we made a friend they would end up getting preggers and not unexpectedly this would change their lives to the point they did not have time for us (which is understandable) also the fact that hanging out with friends baby is an emotional trigger for my wife due to our problems. My job is social so when I get home I don?t want to be social I want to veg out and play vids.

The first few years where very tough, her hobbies were eating chips, drinking wine and watching Fraser. If I did anything she wanted to do it, she was good and did not complain about it.

We sat down one day and discussed the fact that she needs a freaking hobby that does not involve me, so we thought of the things we would like to do and what she wanted to do was ride horses. At first I had a freak out because I assumed the cost would be crazy, but I had a problem that needed to be solved. I told her that if she wanted to do that she needed to take lessons to make sure it was a good fit. Every Saturday over the winter (in Canada) she took a lesson, come spring time, we leased her a horse (which I had no idea you could even do) she got it 3 days a week for $150 a month?all in. a year later we bought the horse ($1500) and now lease it out 3 days a week to a friend of ours. Costs are now $200 a month for board and hay and hoofs. Much lower than I thought it would be.

Now I have every Tuesday/ Thursday from 5pm-8pm and all day Sunday to myself when she is riding. She is happy I am happy. We both have hobbies and space we need!

TL/DR - Wives need hobbies.
 
Soygen

Soygen

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Khane_sl said:
I don't mind living with women at all. They mind living with me for all the reasons I and others have mentioned about me being cool with being alone.

I'm not very gracious when it comes to dealing with a woman who suddenly needs my attention the second I sit down at my computer simply because she doesn't like that I want to play a video game by myself. This isn't an issue before we co-habitate because I am very extroverted, very outgoing and have a lot of different hobbies. It's also a complete non-issue in the summer when I am pretty much always out doing something else (usually with them) and am unlike Kirun and Fifey in that I do not need alone time, I just happen to be perfectly content when I am alone. But when winter hits and I go into New England grizzly man mode and hibernate in my office for long stretches of time at my computer? Shit hits the fan. They have no idea how much I play video games in the winter before they move in with me and they think I'm purposefully avoiding them.

So what do I do when they try to get me to spend time with them by asking me to watch some stupid sitcom I have no interest in? I tell them in no uncertain terms that it's just not going to happen. I'm not mean (in my mind) but because I'm so frank when it comes to matters like that they interpret it as aggressive condescension. Like Kirun and Fifey have mentioned about themselves I am also selfish and I am perfectly fine with that (I am never going to change because I see nothing wrong with it) so I think the only real way for me to have a lasting, happy relationship is if we don't co-habitate because I honestly don't think a woman who is truly OK with me "ignoring" her when we live together exists. And for those of you that do have women like that, I am going to assume there are also kids in the picture to occupy her time and need for attention which lets you off the hook.
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This is shit I establish right from the get-go in all my relationships. I make sure chicks know that I'm going to spend time alone, gaming, doing whatever. My girlfriend knows I'm not going to watch her shitty movies(unless it's a special occasion). If it's a problem later on, then fuck her. I've had chicks who were fine with it and some who weren't. The ones who aren't, aren't a match, so 'see ya'. My current girlfriend is the only one I've dated with a kid, so it's not a kid thing. It's establishing exactly how you are and what you're into from the very start.
 
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