Parent Thread

I have certainly used spanking, but it is so rare (probably 5 times total), that when it happens, it is memorable. It happens immediately at the time of the "crime," and then it's over. Immediate responses are important in building good habits, and associating repercussions with poor decisions. That said, there are some pretty important rules I keep:
1. Don't spank if you are mad/angry at your child. That's easy to become habitual. If you're angry and need a cooling off period, hauling off and smacking your kid is a bad idea. Come up with something else. You're the adult, exercise patience, and know your limits.
2. If you've already spanked your child for a specific offense, and the child repeats that offense, don't spank again. Try something else. A spank didn't do the trick.

And the food thing - I make dinner. I make it tasty and good. My five year old doesn't want to eat something? Too bad. I'm not setting myself up for failure, either. If my kids make a good, solid effort, and honestly hate what they're eating, they don't have to finish it. But I am not going to make separate meals for my kids. Most times when we have food battles it is because they won't even try what is in front of them. When that happens, they lose the privilege of snacks for a couple of days. They're to eat at meal times, and if they're not doing that, they don't get snacks in between. Easy. They know it.
Generally, once they make a good effort, my kids like just about anything. Teaching them table etiquette is also very important. If they're at someone's house, they need to be able to force themselves to eat enough of whatever is served to not be insulting.

Obviously every kid is different. I lucked out with pretty easy kids. I sure as heck wish they all came with owners manuals, don't you?

tl;dr: make careful rules for spanking, make your kids try to eat everything.

We used to spank our oldest if something got really bad but it never had much effect on her. I never bother with it anymore, she typically just loses privileges now which still doesn't have much effect but at least doesn't make me feel like shit. Kids are so different though. The oldest (6) just doesn't give a fuck half the time. She is super intense and just wants what she wants. Does not understand why she can't just have everything and we get some huge temper tantrums.

The middle one if incredibly defiant, but it has a lot to do with the speech/developmental delay so we go at discipline different with her. If she refuses to do something we rephrase the question. If "Jamie, it's time to brush your teeth" doesn't work, we try "Do you want mommy help you brush your teeth or daddy?". Giving her a choice like that seems to give her some ownership over the thing she doesn't want to do so it seems to make it easier. Spanking doesn't work with her at all, we've done it like twice ever and it breaks her heart and ours so that it not an option.

The third, well she's only a 15 months but I couldn't imagine ever using spanking with her. She is SUPER sensitive, even telling her no will make her bottom lip pop out and her eyes tear up. I have a feeling she will be much easier to discipline.

What's the policy on spanking your wife?

Adebisi_sl said:

Phineas and Ferb is currently THE show to watch in my house.

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Um because it rules? We watched it without kids.

in re the spanking...i don't think I could. I used to think i could as another tool in the discipline kit but I look at my son now and I think it would break my heart. And not because I don't believe in firm discipline...but as a person who was physically abused growing up I never want him to look at me the way I remember looking at my parents.

And because I want to be 100% sure ive broken the cycle.

Eyashusa_sl said:

Ours is the same way. She sleeps great during the day for like 3 hours at a time, wakes up and eats, but at about 2 in the morning she is ready to start her day for the next 5 hours.

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knock on wood but I think we've flipped his schedule from nocturnal to 'normal'. We put him down at about 11 ish and he'll be up around 5ish then back down again for 3 ish hrs. He tends to feed every two hrs in the afternoon and is wide awake from about noon to five then 8 to 11.

Also I think im going to start using gas drops often. I think he gets really gassy and ive tried the massage techniques without much success.

Cad_sl said:

Obviously authoritative parenting is superior to authoritarian. I don't want my kids to do what I say "just because." You say promote positive behavior by "other" means. What are these means? What do you do when those means fail? Do you just say, oh well, fuck it, he's not doing what I say today, maybe tomorrow will be better?

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It has to do with your attitude for starters. It's not 100% 'laissez faire', it's intelligent guidance. It requires effort on your part, not just the back of your hand. Kids don't do what you want them to do. They do what you do. Monkey see, monkey do.

Here are some basics from Sal Severe:
http://www.amazon.com/Sal-Severe/e/B001IR1L7U

Then read what the author I linked to you earlier writes:
http://www.amazon.com/dp/0374527903

More here:
http://www.jesperjuul.com/en/uk_usa.asp

Tarrant_sl said:

His sleep schedule will change 8 more times before he's a year old. Start knocking.

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undoubtedly. But ill take what I can get. He went down at 1115 last night, woke up at 515. Down at 6 up at 9.

OneofOne_sl said:

A discussion I've had with my wife before (Several times really). Because when I was a kid my parents tried the same BS, and all it did was make me MORE stubborn. Going to spank me? Fine do it. Make me sit at the table for 4 hours until I eat what's on my plate? Ok fine, but I'm still winning that game and going to bed when you get tired of checking up on me. All it did was breed resentment and hate that years of therapy in my adult life has contained, but not "fixed". And for what? Because another human being didn't submit to your desires as you felt they should? Oh but your goal is to make sure I eat healthy, so it's a noble one eh? If I've tried peas before, and didn't like them then, why are you feeding them to me now? I like carrots and other vegetables, and you know it, but you'll force me to eat peas because "that's what's for dinner tonight dammit!" Is that it? You can be flexible with your kids and what they eat and still have them eat healthy. If you don't like peas, why the fuck would you ever make them for dinner, yet you do it for your kids? Sorry, but you've set yourself up to fail and then blame your kids in that scenario.

Be flexible. I'm not saying let your kids be like that fat white trash kid that refuses to eat anything but chicken nuggets, but be flexible. How would you feel if the person who made your food made stuff you don't like, that they know you don't like, and then got mad at you for not eating? Get your ego out of the equation.

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It sounds like you need a friend...

I pretty much agree with you, though. I had similar experiences as a kid, but mostly I just didn't try new foods. I absolutely demand that my kids try new foods. Repeatedly. If they don't like it I don't sweat them. My oldest, for instance, hates rice and potatoes. What kid doesn't like mashed potatoes? Well, I know one. But I still make her try it, I just want her to make the effort to try new things and reevaluate old things. I really don't have too many complaints about their eating, they eat vegetables really well.

But I only think you should be flexible to a point. For instance: my mother in law would sometimes cook three different meals in a night to accommodate her kids and husband. I will never do that. I don't have the time or inclination to do that. I make what I make, they either eat it or don't.

chaos_sl said:

It sounds like you need a friend...

I pretty much agree with you, though. I had similar experiences as a kid, but mostly I just didn't try new foods. I absolutely demand that my kids try new foods. Repeatedly. If they don't like it I don't sweat them. My oldest, for instance, hates rice and potatoes. What kid doesn't like mashed potatoes? Well, I know one. But I still make her try it, I just want her to make the effort to try new things and reevaluate old things. I really don't have too many complaints about their eating, they eat vegetables really well.

But I only think you should be flexible to a point. For instance: my mother in law would sometimes cook three different meals in a night to accommodate her kids and husband. I will never do that. I don't have the time or inclination to do that. I make what I make, they either eat it or don't.

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exactly this.

I think I've pinpointed one of the causes of our baby not sleeping at night. It seems like he's almost too tired to eat. I never witnessed this before as my wife is breastfeeding him at night, but she mentioned that he's usually so sleepy that he only eats for about 5 minutes, and then he falls back asleep mid-feeding. Of course, this means he doesn't eat much and he's screaming his head off hungry within 45-60 minutes again.

Not quite sure how to make him eat more, it's like he eats just enough to the feeling of hunger to subside slightly, but not actually get full. Going to have to do some research on how to break this bad eating habit. He doesn't do it at all during the day, he'll eat for a solid 15-20 minutes, and always sucks down his couple of bottles no problem in like 10-15 minutes.

Stroke his cheek to keep him awake, if that doesn't work in extreme circumstances our pediatrician recommended putting a cool rag on their cheek for a sec to wake them up.

Etoille_sl said:

knock on wood but I think we've flipped his schedule from nocturnal to 'normal'. We put him down at about 11 ish and he'll be up around 5ish then back down again for 3 ish hrs. He tends to feed every two hrs in the afternoon and is wide awake from about noon to five then 8 to 11.

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Yeah last night was pretty good for us... She has the same "wide awake" from 8 to 11 routine that yours does. But she fell right asleep around 11:15 and didn't wake up until 3:30, then ate and fell right back to sleep. I was late for work because I haven't been setting an alarm and letting her usual up at 5 ready to go crying wake me up. I rolled over and looked at the clock and it was 7 and she was still sleeping!

We had a doctors appointment on Monday and she is back up above her birth weight which is great but he said we are supplementing too much so we've reduced that. Our only issue is pooping. She has like a dozen wet diapers a day but usually only poops once. I'm of course terrified of this fact but our doctor said it isn't a big deal for her to only go once a day. She doesn't seem irritated and she farts a lot so who knows.

Etoille_sl said:

undoubtedly. But ill take what I can get. He went down at 1115 last night, woke up at 515. Down at 6 up at 9.

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Are we married to each other in some alternate reality that is crossing into this dimension?

we are like the same person except you have a boy and I have a girl.

There is nothing quite like being proud of your child. Yesterday my 6 year old tells me how when she was in the library at school, a boy in her class let her borrow this book where there was only one copy and they both wanted it. He said 'you can have it' and she said she told him 'thank you, i'll be sure to tell you when I bring it back so you can borrow it'

It just makes you feel proud, that they are able to say the right things, be respectful, etc. It makes us think as parents that hey, we're doing the right thing here (in raising her). Sure, sometimes she can be a pain in the ass, but you live for the moments like these.

Food is a huge issue in my house. My 4 year old doesn't eat dinner. Just won't eat it, pretty much no matter what I cook. I won't make her anything else, I don't let her snack after dinner if she doesn't eat. She still won't eat. I know she has been sneaking snacks, she has the hiding spot behind a big chair in our living room that I find food in but I never see when she does it.

Finally last week I bought locks for the pantry and fridge. It feels crappy, having to lock up the food, but I am so tired of her not eating dinner and snacking on carbs all day long. My oldest is a fine eater, she tries most everything and the youngest as well. I don't want to cause some sort of food complex, but I want her to learn what healthy snacks and healthy eating habits are, not just eat a loaf of bread behind the living room chair. I think it is helping, she has started to eat a bit of dinner, still says yuck and leaves for the most part but we're getting there.

I've also started to make smoothies with protein a few times a week which is a huge hit with all my kids so at least I know she is getting something healthy a couple times a week.

My goodness kids make me hate cooking though. There is nothing more frustrating to try something new and have two of your kids sit down at the dinner table and say "EWWW". KIDS MAKE ME FEEL SO GOOD ABOUT WHAT I DO.