If cash doesn't work I'd just set up a bank account in their name, which should come with a debit card. With a little research you should be able to find one with no minimum balance or fees. Let them get used to keeping track of their own money.
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If cash doesn't work I'd just set up a bank account in their name, which should come with a debit card. With a little research you should be able to find one with no minimum balance or fees. Let them get used to keeping track of their own money.
Tuco
I got Tuco'd!
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I think I've bought stuff with cash maybe a dozen times since my kids were born. My eight year old has been earning "quarters" for a few years now that they largely spend under my supervision (ex: when I drive to the pet store to buy crickets for whatever varmint he's caught.,..), but my plan is to transition to cash as he starts getting old enough to buy stuff on his own. I figure cash is better to teach them instead of it being "funny money", but who knows. Maybe my kid will be making purchases with Apple Pay by the time they are 10 :|
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I'm catching a lot of flack here, so let me rephrase. In no way am I going to be bitter to my in-laws. They denied some simple basics to their kids from birth, while spending lavishly on things for themselves, always telling the kids there was no money. My mother in-law was fully aware of their finances, and they have, it turns out, always had quite a bit. If I were their kid I don't know how I'd react to that. None of the kids intend to make it an issue now, as you all said, there is no point. They are completely altered people who don't remember one minute to the next for the most part. They no longer recognize their grandkids. No point going after them now.
Gavinmad
Mr. Poopybutthole
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Wellllllllll
the cheaper a home you stuff them in the sooner they'll kick off and the more money will be left for their children.
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Their children feel no affection for them, but they all agreed to put them in a very good care facility and pay for it if need be.
Why all the hate? I don't get it.
Gavinmad
Mr. Poopybutthole
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I was just making an edgy joke, like I already said no point punishing them for something they did when they were still alive.
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moonarchia
The Scientific Shitlord
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No flack, just wondering why you had any rage to begin with. Did they ever let their kids starve or go homeless? The things you mentioned, making them pay for fashionable clothing, paying their own college tuition, and buy their own cars, is actually great parenting. That they also managed to save enough to live off of until they die and are letting the kids have the rest is just pure bonus. That is a great capstone on a life well lived financially speaking. I wish more parents did that these days instead of coddling their crotch monsters until they become entitled dipshits who don't know the value of anything, much less working and saving for anything beyond the next five minutes.
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They didn't starve or go homeless, but they weren't allowed a lot of things. Like having friends over, or having birthday parties, or getting birthday gifts. Christmas was virtually non-existent, and the only gifts they would get were things they needed, and would have gotten anyways. Some things, like needed new shoes for school, were not gotten until it was Christmas, meaning some years they went from September to December in too-small or worn out shoes. But they did have a Christmas tree with all new decorations almost every year because that's what mom enjoyed.
I think this may be hard to understand if you haven't lived with it. It's subtle, but there is reason to be upset with them, and if this had been discovered while they were still sane there would have been some pretty uncomfortable conversations being had.
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moonarchia
The Scientific Shitlord
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Dude, I come from Swedes on both sides of my family. I understand that mentality quite well, and that's why I respect it. Both my grandpas served in WW2, on mom's side they never had money growing up, and if it weren't for my dad she would piss money away in a heartbeat. On my dad's side his dad was an accountant, so he learned how to live within his means. Growing up I got 3 squares and a roof. It wasn't quite as harsh on the clothing side, but until I was almost done with high school we didn't have big shopping sprees or anything. As a pastor and wife my parents did the whole dress up and shit for Sunday, and a lot of money went into gifts for others and hosting church events. My sister and I both started working as soon as we could, and there was no free ride to college. They did cosign on the loans, but we were the ones who had to pay them off. I did get an absolute beater of a car, though. Geo Metro hatchback. One of my dad's churchgoers worked for an auto shop, and sold it to him for $600.
Geo Metro - Wikipedia
Hateyou
Not Great, Not Terrible
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My first car was given to my grandpa from a neighbor because he helped him hang doors in his house. Tires were so bald the belts were showing, roof liner was detached and sagged into the car, we held it up with thumb tacks. No stereo. It leaked gas so bad it just smelled like gas inside all the time. It died if you tried to accelerate too fast and also died when you turned right. I had to get ready to turn the key to turn it over because when you turned right and it died the brakes and steering would lock up. There were times I couldn’t take a right turn because a car was there and I’d likely go straight into it. Sometimes it would randomly die just driving in a straight line. It would also diesel when I turned it off for up to a minute. Once I went into a store and bought something real quick and it was still dieseling when I got back.
Anyways.
Anyways.
Lanx
<Prior Amod>
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this sounds pretty ok, tbh
sounds your in laws kids wanted what other kids had and your in laws were like who gives a fuck about keeping up w/ the joneses
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Falstaff
Ahn'Qiraj Raider
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Thanks for all of the suggestions. I am not anti cash except for the fact that I never have it on me. One of the places they go to is cashless so that was the driver of this. I might just set up a debit card with my own bank if there are no minimums, good idea.
meStevo
I think your wife's a bigfoot gus.
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Anyone ever have to call the cops on their kids? We nearly did last night in the midst of a violent defiant tantrum by our ODD/ADHD 12 year old. Wife was restratining him at one point while he was calling her a whore, the n-word, a bitch, saying that when he goes to school he's going to call the cops and CPS. This was after he began trashing the living room over not getting a piece of candy because he didn't finish dinner in time.
The belligerence and physicality of the tantrums are increasing quicker than his meds can be adjusted to account for them, and his (ineffective) therapist had some kind of emergency surgery so we've in the process of moving on from her and are in the process of finding another solution.
Then the next day he asks for privileges like nothing happened and he deserves any-fucking-thing while refusing to do very basic things like spend the 5 minutes it would take to pick up his room - which then drives the same defiant behavior.
This has sucked for a long time, but it's sucked particularly bad the past couple months.
The belligerence and physicality of the tantrums are increasing quicker than his meds can be adjusted to account for them, and his (ineffective) therapist had some kind of emergency surgery so we've in the process of moving on from her and are in the process of finding another solution.
Then the next day he asks for privileges like nothing happened and he deserves any-fucking-thing while refusing to do very basic things like spend the 5 minutes it would take to pick up his room - which then drives the same defiant behavior.
This has sucked for a long time, but it's sucked particularly bad the past couple months.
Cad
scientia potentia est
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I'd do something about this before he gets too big to handle. At 12 you can physically restrain him, at 15 or 16 it will be a lot harder. It sounds like you're doing the therapies and meds and whatnot, so I don't have any helpful advice, but this thing is going to come to a head soon. Going to be a difficult conversation where you have to decide if you guys can handle him or not.
I'd avoid calling the actual cops because if he fights them (he will) that could easily get out of hand.
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Hateyou
Not Great, Not Terrible
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What are the cops even going to do? Can they arrest a 12 year old, and would you want that? I don’t have any advice other than calling cops seems like a bad idea for someone being unreasonably violent Get the wrong cops and your kid attacks them and maybe your kid gets tased or shot.
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Oblio
Utah
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meStevo
My 12 year old has off the charts ADHD, Disgraphia & Dyslexia. While we have never had to physically restrain him nor deal with that kind of verbal onslaught, we have dealt with tantrums. We found a local clinic that he meets with virtually once a week, the meetings help him learn material in a way his brain works. I don't really understand how it works, but he hasn't torn up homework in a tantrum in like 2 years. Instead of pharma drugs we go with vitamins such as magnesium, theanine(sp), B6 & fish oil. Most of all we make rigorous exercise a part of his day.Not sure any of those solutions will work in your situation, but figured I would share.
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moonarchia
The Scientific Shitlord
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Document, document, document. Set up cameras around the house and get these recorded as protection for when he does call CPS. Or you call CPS or the cops.
Is military school still a thing that exists?
Alternately you are going to have to go old school. Actions and that type of behavior need to have immediate and severe consequences. Put his punk ass to work. You break something? You are going to work hard enough to replace it twice over. You use that kind of language towards your mother? Dig a hole for a few hours.
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Cad
scientia potentia est
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The problem is what do you do when you say go dig a hole for a few hours and he goes fuck off? You can't physically force them to do it anymore, as you mentioned CPS will be on your ass.
moonarchia
The Scientific Shitlord
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Remove all electronics. Remove all $$$. Ground them for however long you need to, use locks if you have to. Call the cops on them if they run away. This is all assuming Stevo has already done the conversation and trying every other avenue to help his son try to channel that energy into something positive. Some kids are just little shits like that. You can always create more consequences if they don't learn to stop, you just have to be willing to risk alienating them in the long run. But parents shouldn't be trying to make friends with their children. Love them. Take care of them. But lack of disciplining them is one of the reasons our culture is rotting.
meStevo
I think your wife's a bigfoot gus.
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Yeah, you get to a point where there's nothing to take away and they don't care. Once he's no longer defiant he'll turn around and ask for that lost privilege and it sometimes drives another tantrum cycle... fucking infuriating.
We've had one incident of him putting on shoes and walking out the door, that was a product of coming home from school early and not being allowed to play w/ the other kids (a consequence I'm passing down from my parents that I fucking hated - if you stayed home / didn't complete school you don't get to do anything when you get home). He faked being sick to get out of a conflict w/ a teacher - and after that experience it hasn't happened since. Would have been our first call to the cops about him but wife talked him into the car a block over.
Appreciate the posts, another rough day, so not really too interested in getting into the other responses at the moment but thanks. Bruise on his cheek from yesterday's festivities, so we'll see how the school reacts, they're pretty familiar with his behavior and I recognize and appreciate their role in recognizing and reporting any potential abuse. CPS is familiar with us too, not really concerned there even if we have to deal w/ them for a 3rd round.
We've had one incident of him putting on shoes and walking out the door, that was a product of coming home from school early and not being allowed to play w/ the other kids (a consequence I'm passing down from my parents that I fucking hated - if you stayed home / didn't complete school you don't get to do anything when you get home). He faked being sick to get out of a conflict w/ a teacher - and after that experience it hasn't happened since. Would have been our first call to the cops about him but wife talked him into the car a block over.
Appreciate the posts, another rough day, so not really too interested in getting into the other responses at the moment but thanks. Bruise on his cheek from yesterday's festivities, so we'll see how the school reacts, they're pretty familiar with his behavior and I recognize and appreciate their role in recognizing and reporting any potential abuse. CPS is familiar with us too, not really concerned there even if we have to deal w/ them for a 3rd round.
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