Thanks for your response.
How are you holding up? I know it seems like a stupid question but here it is.
My wife has ER/PR+HER- which is one of the better ones to get i am told. certainly not the challenge of 3N. its feeds on Estrogen so they have started a heavy hormone therapy which basically starts menopause. A fair trade off for results, especially after we just had our 2 kids. We could not have kids in our 30s, 10 yeas of IVF and tons of treatments. My wife has a theory that all the Fertility treatments might have been part of the issue, however a trade off she would do again. we will never know, but man does this seem like a common issue once you are in that world. Shocking how many people we know suffering with some sort of cancer. She found the lump herself when it was super small, Dr was suprised she found it. Its even crazier to think that she had a top to bottom physical 2 months prior, with a breast exam and blood work. They found nothing. These physicals are rare in Canada as its out side the medical system, (ie not free) my company pays for me as a senior partner so i bucked up and paid for my wife but they still found nothing.. it was DICS however they did find one of her Lymph nodes under her arm tested positive. They removed 21 from her, which frankly was the roughest surgery, even considering the double mastectomy's and just the one positive. That one is rough because it sounds like we caught it super early, however it had already spread a tiny bit out of the breast so that worry of spreading is still present. On the whole she is doing well. IN Canada they also pay for the Breast reconstruction so she just finished that last month and is heeling well. We joke about Justin Trudeau buying her new boobs. Our kids are pretty oblivious outside of DR visits and Hospitals stays that have been rather short. , so that is a bit of a saving grace through this process.
As mention if you just want to chat feel free to reach out, i would imagine you have a lot on your plate so no worries if not.
I am thinking about you, and i know so are the guys on this board that have posted.
Stay strong.
Overall ups and downs.
My son's fear at bedtime continues. The strategy that's been working is when I tuck him in I hold him real tight and make him repeat after me. I am calm, I am safe, nothing is going to happen to me, nothing is going to happen to dad, nothing is going to happen to his sister. We are OK. I don't need to be afraid. I need a good night's sleep. Then I go in after a minute, then 2 minutes, and so on until 5 minutes. Today I started at 2 minutes and jumped to 4. It's like cry it out sleep training all over again. At least its something. Also, we now have to play Time After Time on repeat for him to stay calm. Unfortunately the version I picked when I said: "Play Time After Time - Acoustic" is a shitty version with Sarah Mclachlan and at the end they do these weird runs which are fucking terrible. My daughter and I are over it but my son has "imprinted" on it at this point and I think we're stuck with it.
It has come to light that my daughter does not believe my wife is dead / gone. As much as she was reciting the words I spoke to her the day after mom died it's just too much for her to understand. What she really believes is that mom is sick and at the hospital and is going to get better. When I correct her and say no, mom died she isn't coming back, she gets super angry about it. Kids that age you have to be very blunt. Saying mom is sleeping, or she is in heaven, or even that she passed away is too confusing to them. Anyways it sucks.
Personally, I'm still having a hard time as expected. When friends aren't over or when they leave and I'm alone its the hardest. Looking at certain pictures is really hard. Ones where she's looking in to the camera. She's just so
alive. I remember being there with her when I look at pictures and I just don't know what the fuck I was doing. And don't get me wrong. Our marriage was great, we had a great relationship, we never fought, I preferred hanging out with her to pretty much anyone else. She wasn't bitchy (unless she hadn't eaten), or jealous, or manipulative. She was wonderful. We genuinely were each other's favorite person. What I mean is, I don't know why we wasted so much time. Why I didn't spend more time holding her and doing things with her and all of that.
She worked until February 22nd. I worked until April 11th. We both knew it was triple negative. We
never got a good scan. We
never had a single chemo that worked. And yet we kept living our lives like nothing had changed when there was never any reason to think that we weren't tied to the tracks with the locomotive barrelling towards us.
It seems so obvious now. I can only liken it to life before kids and after kids. They say you can't imagine what its like being a parent until you are a parent. Well maybe someone out there can but I certainly couldn't until I had kids of my own. Its like seeing the world in a whole new way. Feeling things more strongly than you ever have before. I look at news stories about families differently. I can't even watch fucking Law and Order SVU anymore.
Before my wife died I didn't think about or realize how much time we wasted after her diagnosis, how many missed opportunities to be together with each other or with our kids instead of bogged down in bullshit. An extra kiss. Us being together talking rather than hunched over our computers. Since her passing it's as clear as day. People will say: "You two had a great marriage and loved each other so much - focus on that." And while that's true and nice of them to say, at the same time I say fuck that. I know I can't change the past but I think it's OK to realize and wish I'd done things differently, because there are still people in this world that I love, and I hope I take the hurt I'm feeling over this realization with my wife and apply it to my life going forward. If I don't I'm a dipshit.
My wife also had IVF. They say that probably doesn't cause triple negative but who the hell knows. The chemo put her in to menopause too. You guys sound a lot like us. She felt a lump in early December. It was the size of a pea. She called and they said it was probably a cyst or a clogged milk duct and dragged their feet. By the Time she was seen and had an ultrasound it was weeks later and it was the size of an egg. She had had a top to bottom physical as part of us getting life insurance 2 months beforehand. (Currently the insurance company is investigating it because they are in the 2 year look back period. I had to have an hour and half interview and provide our financials - just add another stressful PITA on the pile). When they did the mastectomy it had spread to 2 lymph nodes but they elected not to do the full dissection. How long ago was your wife's procedure? For Tori it was in May of last year and then around February of this year all the fucking nerves and shit started coming back online. She said it was the most pain she had ever experienced (including all the other cancer stuff and child birth). Hopefully that doesn't happen to your wife but be on the lookout around the 8 - 10 month mark. It is good that she has a hormone positive cancer there are a lot more effective treatments at their disposal to treat her with.
We should catch up offline but before I forget - ask your oncologist about CTDNA testing. They take a sample of the physical tumor that was removed, sequence it, and then look for the tumor DNA in your wife's blood. We used Signatera - They want to become the standard so they aren't charging anyone for the test right now (at least they weren't but that's easily confirmed) but there are several out there. My wife had her blood drawn for it monthly. After her mastectomy we had 3 months of clear tests. In the 4th month it showed an extremely small amount of tumor DNA in her blood. We had a scan a week later and found the first met in her left lung. She wasn't due for her scheduled PET or CAT for another 2.5 months at that point. It allowed us to know much much sooner. Granted in the end it didn't matter for fuck all but had her cancer been less of an asshole it might have meant a lot. Also according to the rep when we talked to them at the time, it didn't matter how much DNA showed up. If it showed up at all, everyone (at that point) with a positive test had a reoccurance within 8 to 12 months.
Anyway, thanks for reaching out and keep doing what you're doing. One day at a time and all that.
that I now have “cancer husband friends” that I have made during this process. We chat every once in a while and it feels better to talk it out, Even when talking about horrible things. If you need a random dude to talk to who knows the situation but is far enough removed from your life i could be that dude. Dm me and I will give you my number. It’s weird, sometimes distance creates security when talking about vulnerable stuff…if that makes sense. 
