So My Wife Died...

Control · Jul 28, 2023

BrutulTM said:
Good move on the dog.

Good point on the "living your life" part too. We're taught to always sacrifice for the future and we need to do that, but you have to enjoy your life from day to day as well. No one is guaranteed a retirement no matter how responsible they are financially. There's a rich guy that bought a small ranch in my neighborhood. Really pretty spot in the trees and set it all up as a hunting property. He was a welder who started a construction company in the oilfield during the big North Dakota boom and made a ton of money. Built a giant log house, a big-ass heated shop where he could do metal work and blacksmithing in the winter time. They were both just about finished a couple years back and he caught Covid and died at 70. I'm sure he was planning on another 10 years or so in his little dream setup but no such luck. To be cheesy and quote "Fight Club". "This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time."

On one hand, things like that sound really sad, but people like that probably enjoy the building more than the finished product. When he was "all done", there would have just been another project. I figure that if I enjoy the process of whatever I'm doing, there shouldn't be any sadness or regret if things end sooner than expected. If you're not enjoying the process of getting wherever you're going, that's the real problem.

Senaiel · Jul 29, 2023

My kids are nearly the same exact age as yours and I can't imagine the pain/difficulties you have been through. You have been nothing but incredibly brave and thought throughout and I hope you know that it is remarkable how you've have handled this so far. Your eulogy was beautiful and your wife's purpose with your kids and her letters/presents for them is as you said awe inspiring.

Nester it has been some time since we have been in touch but I am thinking of you and your wife and sending positivity your way.

KDow · Jul 29, 2023

Nester said:
It can be tough to take care of a new puppy while also taking care of two preschoolers, for many it means the puppy gets less attention than it needs.
In normal situations its not always a good idea, however i think it makes a ton of sense here.

What did you name it KD?

No name yet. I pick her up next week and am still on the fence about involving the kids in the name.

I'm sure my son will either want to name it after a planet or something like Poopie Fart Butt, but we'll see.

lurkingdirk · Jul 29, 2023

KDow said:
No name yet. I pick her up next week and am still on the fence about involving the kids in the name.

I'm sure my son will either want to name it after a planet or something like Poopie Fart Butt, but we'll see.

Do it. Name it something like shitskin. Call it skin. Something funny that is your inside joke. Your kids will love it.

KDow · Aug 5, 2023

News and Notes.

My wife's mother died on Tuesday the first, one day before her husband died 3 years prior. People keep asking how I'm feeling and I tell them honestly. That the grief hotel has no vacancies right now.

I don't know if it's because I don't have the capacity or if it's because it really was a mercy or what. Tori's (my wife) mom's light just got snuffed out after Tori passed. I can't blame her. And so I really don't feel much in the grief or sadness department. I feel bad for my 3 brother in laws. Half your family gone in such quick succession.

In lighter news, we got the dog today. I was a bit concerned about the kids wanting to love on her too aggressively and the puppy being skiddish or standoffish but that didn't happen at all.

The biggest challenges are that because of how she was raised the last few weeks it's going to be a kick in the dick for the next few days laying down the infrastructure of training.

This dog has never been inside a house, never been on a leash, never been inside a crate, apparently didn't have a strict feeding schedule. Until I get her comfortable being in the crate I'm going to have to deal with more piss and shit than I'd like but should only take a few days. I spent like 30 bucks on some rewashable pad, but she took such an aggressive dump on it that I just called it a mulligan and tossed it immediately. Nothing was worth that nightmare.

I'll let her out right before I go to bed. Then I have no choice but to crate her overnight which is a huge leap from where we're at. I'm going to put the crate in the bed with me facing me and set an alarm for every 3 hours or so. I'll adjust over the next few days. 5:30 when my kids wake up should be rad. Of all the weekends not to ask family or friends to come up. I'm fucking retarded.

But the kids already love her and she's been really great with them. The moment they met her, and the way the kids lit up, and how gentle they were with her didn't disappoint. It's worth mentioning that as wonderful as that was and as stressful as today was it still hurts. It hurts because my wife isn't here and the day would have undeniably been better if she had been. And its hard recognizing that that's the way its always going to be, but that's the way it's always going to be. And I hope there isn't ever a day where that changes, because I would hate that more. What a mind fuck.

Edit: Got so preoccupied with trying to figure out how to add normal-ish sized images without downsizing in Irfran View that I forgot to mention the name of the dog.

My son really wanted Zippy - No fucking clue where he pulled that from. Maybe from the Sonic kick he's on right now? Although I don't know if Sonic is ever referred to as zippy. My daughter dug her heals in for Merida from Brave. I tried to sell them on Penelope (calling her Penny), or Rose (a Sonic character), Amy (I was desperate and it's another Sonic character) but got nowhere. During my daughter's nap I pitched my son on the name Gabby - a nickname of one of my wife's favorite authors. He was in to it but when we tried to sell my daughter on it she wasn't having that shit.

The afternoon was getting late so I just started going through foods they like to eat. Eventually we found consensus and have named the dog Bell Pepper.

We'll refer to her around the house as Pepper, but I get to look like an asshole in the Vet's waiting room when they call out Bell Pepper and I stand up with a golden retriever in tow.

Our last dog was similar, we were shitfaced at the bar and my wife said if we got the dog she wanted I could name it whatever I wanted.

So I named him Lipchap. We called him Chappy but the vet went by his formal name.

It was from a scene on the show Flavor of Love where this big black chick beats the snot out of some skinny white girl and after, when they are in a room together waiting to talk to the producers on whether or not they would get kicked off the show, the white chick is still completely shook and crying, while the black chick is all business. Eventually she takes out some chapstick and puts it on, then reaches out to the white girl and just says "You want some lipchap?".

We called chapstick Lipchap from that day forward and I figured it was a good a name as any for a dog.

Sorry I type a lot. I don't really talk to adults so this shit kind of just goes on and on.

Cutlery · Aug 6, 2023

KDow said:
News and Notes.

My wife's mother died on Tuesday the first, one day before her husband died 3 years prior. People keep asking how I'm feeling and I tell them honestly. That the grief hotel has no vacancies right now.

I don't know if it's because I don't have the capacity or if it's because it really was a mercy or what. Tori's (my wife) mom's light just got snuffed out after Tori passed. I can't blame her. And so I really don't feel much in the grief or sadness department. I feel bad for my 3 brother in laws. Half your family gone in such quick succession.

In lighter news, we got the dog today. I was a bit concerned about the kids wanting to love on her too aggressively and the puppy being skiddish or standoffish but that didn't happen at all.

The biggest challenges are that because of how she was raised the last few weeks it's going to be a kick in the dick for the next few days laying down the infrastructure of training.

This dog has never been inside a house, never been on a leash, never been inside a crate, apparently didn't have a strict feeding schedule. Until I get her comfortable being in the crate I'm going to have to deal with more piss and shit than I'd like but should only take a few days. I spent like 30 bucks on some rewashable pad, but she took such an aggressive dump on it that I just called it a mulligan and tossed it immediately. Nothing was worth that nightmare.

I'll let her out right before I go to bed. Then I have no choice but to crate her overnight which is a huge leap from where we're at. I'm going to put the crate in the bed with me facing me and set an alarm for every 3 hours or so. I'll adjust over the next few days. 5:30 when my kids wake up should be rad. Of all the weekends not to ask family or friends to come up. I'm fucking retarded.

But the kids already love her and she's been really great with them. The moment they met her, and the way the kids lit up, and how gentle they were with her didn't disappoint. It's worth mentioning that as wonderful as that was and as stressful as today was it still hurts. It hurts because my wife isn't here and the day would have undeniably been better if she had been. And its hard recognizing that that's the way its always going to be, but that's the way it's always going to be. And I hope there isn't ever a day where that changes, because I would hate that more. What a mind fuck.

Edit: Got so preoccupied with trying to figure out how to add normal-ish sized images without downsizing in Irfran View that I forgot to mention the name of the dog.

My son really wanted Zippy - No fucking clue where he pulled that from. Maybe from the Sonic kick he's on right now? Although I don't know if Sonic is ever referred to as zippy. My daughter dug her heals in for Merida from Brave. I tried to sell them on Penelope (calling her Penny), or Rose (a Sonic character), Amy (I was desperate and it's another Sonic character) but got nowhere. During my daughter's nap I pitched my son on the name Gabby - a nickname of one of my wife's favorite authors. He was in to it but when we tried to sell my daughter on it she wasn't having that shit.

The afternoon was getting late so I just started going through foods they like to eat. Eventually we found consensus and have named the dog Bell Pepper.

We'll refer to her around the house as Pepper, but I get to look like an asshole in the Vet's waiting room when they call out Bell Pepper and I stand up with a golden retriever in tow.

Our last dog was similar, we were shitfaced at the bar and my wife said if we got the dog she wanted I could name it whatever I wanted.

So I named him Lipchap. We called him Chappy but the vet went by his formal name.

It was from a scene on the show Flavor of Love where this big black chick beats the snot out of some skinny white girl and after, when they are in a room together waiting to talk to the producers on whether or not they would get kicked off the show, the white chick is still completely shook and crying, while the black chick is all business. Eventually she takes out some chapstick and puts it on, then reaches out to the white girl and just says "You want some lipchap?".

We called chapstick Lipchap from that day forward and I figured it was a good a name as any for a dog.

Sorry I type a lot. I don't really talk to adults so this shit kind of just goes on and on.

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1st of all, just tell the vet the dog's name is pepper, and you don't have any problem.

2nd, if you leave the dog just enough room to turn around in her crate, they generally won't mess it overnight. During the day is something else, but at night, shouldn't be a problem. I just hope you don't sleep for 12 hours or some shit. Put a box in the crate to take up space if there's too much. Dogs don't like to mess their dens, but if they have room to and not be inconvenienced by it they will.

BrutulTM · Aug 6, 2023

KDow said:
I was a bit concerned about the kids wanting to love on her too aggressively and the puppy being skiddish or standoffish but that didn't happen at all.

Puppies and kids understand each other. An adult dog who wasn't raised around kids might have been overwhelmed but everything is play to a puppy, just like a little kid.

Cukernaut · Aug 6, 2023

I read a lot of stoic literature and found it to be extremely helpful in dealing with death.
Seneca and epictetus are my favorite in particular. Perhaps you will find value in it.

one treatise, on the shortness of life, is very short and good. A quote that stands out to me regarding someone’s life is that how well they lived far outweighs how long they lived.

there are people who live long miserable lives and are terrible people that squander things, and there are people who live extremely well with the time they were given.

everything I have read is that your wife lived well- and that’s something worth celebrating and remembering well. You also have two beautiful kids that she lives on through

I say all these things in the small hopes of giving you some relief, but at a minimum I can say that you seem to be doing a great job and seem like a really good dude and I offer my support to you on that/ keep doing your best for yourself and your kids.

KDow · Aug 6, 2023

Cutlery said:
1st of all, just tell the vet the dog's name is pepper, and you don't have any problem.

That does make a lot of sense, but that'd be cheating. Bell Pepper it was decided, so Bell Pepper forever it shall be.

KDow · Aug 27, 2023

The battle of the life insurance has been resolved. After an independent investigator, 3 hours of interviews, me stepping in to get her records after the investigator was inept, affidavits, 1600 pages of her medical history, underwriting review, case review, and committee review, it's finally over and the insurance company agreed that my wife didn't decide to leave a ticking timebomb in her tit just so she could die and leave her family with an insurance payout. Honestly I wasn't expecting resolution until the first week of September at the earliest and even then I was worried that their policy was going to be to deny as a default and then come at me with some kind of partial payout so thankfully that didn't happen.

I didn't know how I'd feel when the check showed up but I should have. Grief is such a cunt that rather than relief or something positive I felt sad because it's one more thing that's over and resolved.

The dog and the 2 kids are fucking insane right now. FUCKING INSANE. What would take a normal person (not even an adult) 15 minutes to go for a walk takes no word of a lie like an hour and 30 minutes. I start off patient trying not to pull the dog (She's growing like a weed but the harness I have isn't quite right yet so she's just on collar) and using clicker training / loose leash while at the same time letting my kids go at their own pace. By the end of the walk I feel like I'm dragging the dog down the road while telling my daughter that if she doesn't catch up she can live on the sidewalk.

Its going to get better just gotta hang in there.

Also we all got COVID. Mild symptoms but I can't smell or taste anything. Biggest issue is it prevented us from going to my parent's house for my dad's 86th birthday. I need to get down there, I know there isn't a lot of time left.

Hateyou · Aug 27, 2023

KDow said:
The battle of the life insurance has been resolved. After an independent investigator, 3 hours of interviews, me stepping in to get her records after the investigator was inept, affidavits, 1600 pages of her medical history, underwriting review, case review, and committee review, it's finally over and the insurance company agreed that my wife didn't decide to leave a ticking timebomb in her tit just so she could die and leave her family with an insurance payout. Honestly I wasn't expecting resolution until the first week of September at the earliest and even then I was worried that their policy was going to be to deny as a default and then come at me with some kind of partial payout so thankfully that didn't happen.

I didn't know how I'd feel when the check showed up but I should have. Grief is such a cunt that rather than relief or something positive I felt sad because it's one more thing that's over and resolved.

The dog and the 2 kids are fucking insane right now. FUCKING INSANE. What would take a normal person (not even an adult) 15 minutes to go for a walk takes no word of a lie like an hour and 30 minutes. I start off patient trying not to pull the dog (She's growing like a weed but the harness I have isn't quite right yet so she's just on collar) and using clicker training / loose leash while at the same time letting my kids go at their own pace. By the end of the walk I feel like I'm dragging the dog down the road while telling my daughter that if she doesn't catch up she can live on the sidewalk.

Its going to get better just gotta hang in there.

Also we all got COVID. Mild symptoms but I can't smell or taste anything. Biggest issue is it prevented us from going to my parent's house for my dad's 86th birthday. I need to get down there, I know there isn't a lot of time left.

Easier to clean up dog shit when you can’t smell it!

BrutulTM · Aug 28, 2023

KDow said:
my wife didn't decide to leave a ticking timebomb in her tit just so she could die and leave her family with an insurance payout

Serioiusly? Suicide by cancer? Cancer sucks but insurance companies are almost as bad. Fuck those fucking vampires.

My Mom said she completely lost it in the office when she picked up my Dad's life insurance check. Said it felt like she had traded him for that money or something. She spent it all paying down ranch debt which was not her responsibility but she said she didn't like the idea of keeping it or spending it on herself. Not the most financially responsible decision on her part but it was what she wanted to do.

Nester · Sep 13, 2023

Hey man, how are you holding up? We got a clean CT Scan last week so anxiety went down a level.

Thinking about you and your kiddos.

KDow · Sep 13, 2023

Nester said:
Hey man, how are you holding up? We got a clean CT Scan last week so anxiety went down a level.

Thinking about you and your kiddos.

That is really awesome news. The best news.

I'm doing OK. The loneliness is starting to get to me a bit but I just have to handle it. Its the kind of thing I'm just going to have to work on. I could have people over every day and every weekend but there will always be a time when they have to go. My wife and I spent a ridiculous amount of time together and it makes the vacuum of her not being around that much harder. Also the monotony is already starting to wear on me. Get up, feed kids, dress kids, drive to school, drop off, work, take dog out a few times, work, make dinner, watch kids shows, bedtime, sit at PC doing nothing, go to bed. (I realize I'm not special here).

I'll tell you though, at least I have the kids and the dog. I don't know how all the guys you hear about between 25 - 40 who live totally alone handle it. I couldn't do it.

It's also becoming a bit harder for me to be motivated. I have house stuff I have to do and other things I want to do, but I'm just not doing it. People will give me a pass given everything, but I try to tune them out. I try to hear my wife telling me to get off my ass. It might be acceptable now but it sure as shit wouldn't be a year from now and I don't want to get to that place.

As for the kids. I was worried about my son going to Kindergarten but he was fine. He comes home from school completely manic and insane but he likes it. He became best buds with this kid named Hans whose German, has a sick mullet, and whose dad shot a bear in the face.

My daughter on the other hand had a much tougher time than I expected. This is her first time at preschool. I dropped her off and she was a buzzing around like a bee. I said goodbye and thought it was cool. After I dropped my son off I realized I still had her water bottle. I went back over and didn't see her. I realized she had her head between the fence posts and was wailing. I went in and she koala'd on me and was shaking and crying. We read books on a bench but then I knew it was time to go. I mean this happens to a lot of kids right? I gave her back to the teachers and as expected she was crying for me asking me not to go. It wasn't until the afternoon when I talked to her and she told me: "Daddy I cried and I cried for you, and when you didn't come I thought you died". Fuck my fucking life. Drop off's are getting better but its drummed up a lot of stuff in her.

Before when we'd go out on the deck to say goodnight to mom, my daughter would just bail. She never wanted to be a part of it. The last few days its the opposite, she doesn't want to come off the deck.
She talks directly to mom and tells her that if she want's she'll stay out there all night and that mom can come and hug her if she wants to. It's challenging to hear.

Metalhead · Sep 13, 2023

KDow said:
My daughter on the other hand had a much tougher time than I expected. This is her first time at preschool. I dropped her off and she was a buzzing around like a bee. I said goodbye and thought it was cool. After I dropped my son off I realized I still had her water bottle. I went back over and didn't see her. I realized she had her head between the fence posts and was wailing. I went in and she koala'd on me and was shaking and crying. We read books on a bench but then I knew it was time to go. I mean this happens to a lot of kids right? I gave her back to the teachers and as expected she was crying for me asking me not to go. It wasn't until the afternoon when I talked to her and she told me: "Daddy I cried and I cried for you, and when you didn't come I thought you died". Fuck my fucking life. Drop off's are getting better but its drummed up a lot of stuff in her.

If it makes you feel any better my daughter was this way as well. After a few times she now looks forward to it, and wants me gone asap when I drop her off and walk her in so she can play with her friends.

KDow said:
Before when we'd go out on the deck to say goodnight to mom, my daughter would just bail. She never wanted to be a part of it. The last few days its the opposite, she doesn't want to come off the deck.
She talks directly to mom and tells her that if she want's she'll stay out there all night and that mom can come and hug her if she wants to. It's challenging to hear.

God damn. That's enough for me today.

stupidmonkey · Sep 13, 2023

KDow said:
The loneliness is starting to get to me a bit but I just have to handle it.

As for the kids. I was worried about my son going to Kindergarten but he was fine. He comes home from school completely manic and insane but he likes it. He became best buds with this kid named Hans whose German, has a sick mullet, and whose dad shot a bear in the face.

I'd be hanging out with Hans' dad. Definitely seems entertaining and can perhaps provide a needed distraction from the loneliness part.

ToeMissile · Sep 14, 2023

Totally normal for kids to lose their shit when staring to go preschool. I’m sure there are exceptions but whenever possible it’s best to make it a quick drop off. “Love you, have a good day, see you after school”. Some regression here and there, but they get used to it quickly enough.

Whatever it’s worth; seems like you’re doing a great job.

AladainAF · Sep 14, 2023

Thanks for posting this thread, I am sorry for your loss.

There's already a ton of good advice here, so I'm not going to give you any more that's already been said. I just wanted to say you're doing great, and you have fantastic kids! Keep being there for them, and keep being a close father and everything will be fine.

KDow · Nov 8, 2023

And just like that, half a year gone.

I've found myself thinking about what that number means, and it leads me to think about other dates and timeframes, things that in the grand scheme of things don't really matter a whole lot. A lot like some baseball stats in that way. At the end of the day they really all say the same thing, time marches on.

- Every day from here on out is a day closer to the anniversary of her death and not her death itself. That really bothers me.
- In less than 2 months it will be 2024, it will be the first year since her birth that she wasn't in. For some reason I don't like the idea of saying my wife died last year.
- My daughter turned 3 last month. Her mom has been gone for about 1/6th of her life already. That number will only continue to grow. Same for my son.
- By the time my daughter is five she will have been alive longer without her mom than with. When my son is 10 the same will be true.

Honestly I could go on but you get the idea. Things that pop in to my head when I'm in the shower or walking the dog.

Dog's awesome by the way. Still working on her not jumping and when she finally stops chewing everything she'll get more freedom around the house.

Kids are doing fine. Things still pop up every now and then like my daughter asking when mom is getting back from the hospital but I'm used to it now. Also, we've been sick for legitimately a month - I don't know what this cold is but it's worse than COVID (which we've had 3 times). It's never ending.

Friends and acquaintances have already started talking about trying to set me up with people. Candidly, I wouldn't mind getting laid but the steps to get there feel like a lot of work right now.

Overall, I'm just real tired and frankly pretty lonely. Talking to the dog, the kids, and their non binary nanny who doesn't understand sarcasm isn't really cutting it.

It's like finding out your allergic to some kind of food and have to change your whole diet. In the beginning you're all gung-ho but over time reality sets in. Oh my god I can never have bread, cheese, or red meat again. The first month after she died it was such a whirlwind, then I had this drive and determination to keep all the plates spinning, and now it's like holy fuck this is my life now. This is the way it'll always be. Fuuuuuuck. There ain't any cheat meals coming in this bitch.

I just gotta take a step back and realize it's still really recent and it's gotta get better and that it will.

Cutlery · Nov 8, 2023

KDow said:
And just like that, half a year gone.

I've found myself thinking about what that number means, and it leads me to think about other dates and timeframes, things that in the grand scheme of things don't really matter a whole lot. A lot like some baseball stats in that way. At the end of the day they really all say the same thing, time marches on.

- Every day from here on out is a day closer to the anniversary of her death and not her death itself. That really bothers me.
- In less than 2 months it will be 2024, it will be the first year since her birth that she wasn't in. For some reason I don't like the idea of saying my wife died last year.
- My daughter turned 3 last month. Her mom has been gone for about 1/6th of her life already. That number will only continue to grow. Same for my son.
- By the time my daughter is five she will have been alive longer without her mom than with. When my son is 10 the same will be true.

Honestly I could go on but you get the idea. Things that pop in to my head when I'm in the shower or walking the dog.

Dog's awesome by the way. Still working on her not jumping and when she finally stops chewing everything she'll get more freedom around the house.

Kids are doing fine. Things still pop up every now and then like my daughter asking when mom is getting back from the hospital but I'm used to it now. Also, we've been sick for legitimately a month - I don't know what this cold is but it's worse than COVID (which we've had 3 times). It's never ending.

Friends and acquaintances have already started talking about trying to set me up with people. Candidly, I wouldn't mind getting laid but the steps to get there feel like a lot of work right now.

Overall, I'm just real tired and frankly pretty lonely. Talking to the dog, the kids, and their non binary nanny who doesn't understand sarcasm isn't really cutting it.

It's like finding out your allergic to some kind of food and have to change your whole diet. In the beginning you're all gung-ho but over time reality sets in. Oh my god I can never have bread, cheese, or red meat again. The first month after she died it was such a whirlwind, then I had this drive and determination to keep all the plates spinning, and now it's like holy fuck this is my life now. This is the way it'll always be. Fuuuuuuck. There ain't any cheat meals coming in this bitch.

I just gotta take a step back and realize it's still really recent and it's gotta get better and that it will.

I know my situation is a bit different, it's scattered around this board and not contained to a thread, but I was married for 18 years, got divorced 5 years ago. We were literally together half of our lives. I lost 2 friends this year (one of them a friend for 25 years) and tomorrow is my dog's last day. I'm really starting to feel like I don't have anything left to give anyone. I'm not talking about feeling suicidal or self destructive - I just am not sure I can ever actually summon up what's needed to REALLY care about anyone again. Yeah, sure, fine - I've got people I'd miss if they were gone. But I really feel fucking broken, and I dunno if that shit's normal and part of the process, or if I'm just always gonna keep everyone at arm's length because I feel like I just can't tolerate any more loss.

I feel ya man. I feel like i'm never gonna be in love again. I feel like nothing is ever gonna be the same. Maybe it's not supposed to be. I dunno.

So My Wife Died...

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