The Girls Who Broke Your Heart Thread

Nope, I don't hate women at all.

I understand them now, that's the difference.

Oh, and here's youroxytocinfor you.

'Surprisingly, girls who had experienced physical abuse didn't show a cortisol response to stress at all," says Leslie Seltzer, a postdoctoral researcher at the University of Wisconsin-Madison. "Instead, they have a spike of oxytocin during stress."'

Women are fucked up creatures.

Dabamf_sl said:

^ lol. Leadsalad seriously hates women

Re

xytocin - yes it affects men also. It's the chemical responsible for the "pair bond" feeling and affects both sexes. I don't know a whole lot of details about it, but I brought it up because often it seems like people describe women as ready to "upgrade" at any opportunity and will jump ship whenever something better comes along. This completely ignores the fact that we are essentially chemically tied to our partner, and there is a severe tradeoff that anyone goes through when ending a relationship. They are basically going cold turkey on a fairly addictive drug. So if a chick "upgrades" from you, there is probably a (legitimate) reason she left you. Her being a typical whore is I think a lot less common than guys like to say. Again excluding <25 girls because who knows what the fuck is going on in those brains.

Anyway, oxytocin is a fascinating chemical that has only recently become a focus of researchers. I'd recommend some reading on it if you're interesting in the pair bond phenomenon or what makes us feel close to people in general. I need to do some more reading myself

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Yeah, but I think you underlie my point as well. Women are generally a scarce resource for the average man. Males don't have women approaching them constantly and throwing themselves at their feet. Women do, and generally are jumping into a relationship, or into bed, or into the hypothetical arms of a sympathetic guy friend upon relationships not only ending, but even hitting the rocks. This for one thing primes them for potential to "cheat" like ham's girl. Not to use him as an exact example since I don't know details, but theoretically she could be seeking solace from their fight and the "cheating" happens when she gives another male an opening by going to him during a rough spot with ham.

The thing about oxytocin is that like any other neurological chemical reaction you can get tolerant to it. So the same partner might create smaller and smaller doses of it firing in your brain. Whereas the novelty of a new partner is going to boost the oxytocin reaction up again and give you back that pair bonding high you are now missing with old Sally/Sammy plain and boring. The sooner you replace that oxytocin the easier it is to break free of the old bond.

For a guy you have to push through the depression you experience from the oxytocin withdrawal, and go be proactive to replace it. For a girl, sure you may be sad, but as soon as your girlfriends get you out to the club there will be multiple new partners showing up almost literally at your feet to replace your missing chemical. Due to cognitive associations from prior hook ups or first dates, that stuff starts flowing again immediatelyeven if she isn't interested in going home with the guy.

For the dumped boyfriend on the other hand, even if you go try to jump back on the horse the first rejection will feel twice as bad in your chemical starved brain and limit your ability to bounce back. Thus we see guys being stuck on that "one" girl and trying to string a ruined relationship on past the point of no return even while the girl is going out with a new man.

I'm really just talking out of my ass, so that could all be somehow proven wrong, but it sounds good.

Famm_sl said:

If Dumar gets a load of the sexual market value chart he's going to go into overdrive derail mode.

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I'm here, in the shadows with a smirk.

@famm / damabf. I turned 29 this summer, my girlfriend was 25 and is a nursing major in her last free summer before shit gets 'real-real' for those students. She started working at a bar to pay the rent in the meantime, and only had one summer class, so she worked a lot and eventually every friday/saturday/sunday, so if I saw her on weekends, it was during the day or after her shift. The 'bar life' put an incredible strain on our relationship because of the drinking that would occur after her shift, and it's not something that she's instigating, these are people who tend and serve bar for a living, it's pretty natural for them to stay after an hour, or two or three and do the same as the patrons.

I don't have a massive problem with people who choose to do that, but it's not the kind of person I was trying to be seriously committed too, nor are those type of people generally my friends. Three months into this job, she was definitely tired of me giving her shit about coming home at 4am smelling like whiskey and I was definitely tired of her doing that. I kept telling myself if we could make it until the end of August, when she was forced to whip her ass into shape, then we'd survive. I wasn't a jealous person by nature, until I was too trusting last year, saw my gf at that time go on a road trip with a dude who I knew was into her, and was cheated on then. That girl is still probably one of the most genuinely good people I've ever met in this world, and I understand and forgive her for that, but it also told me that anyone was capable of anything after that.

My current (ex) girlfriend is 5'9, blonde, 34D, a very good body and is extremely personable, so you can imagine the kind of $ she can clean up at a bar wearing short shorts. I was never jealous of the patrons there though, just the bartender she eventually stepped out on me with, because I would see him blatantly pursuing her by trying to text her on her days off, and she even at one point (without me knowing, her roommate told her, who was also stunned this happened) told the dude to stop texting her completely, she was taken, respect it, etc. He would always have excuses for needing to get in contact with her though, his bike has a flat tire and he has no tools on him, whether she could attend the training that weren't required (he was also her 'closing' manager), etc. So the dude made me feel uncomfortable and I expressed as much and asked that I be treated with respect in regards to how it made me feel, since when I found out she was uncomfortable with me being friends with an ex, that I stepped back from that, because I felt like this girl was my future and holding onto part of my past wasn't worth making her feel bad. I do think the guy backed off a month or so, but just before shit hit the fan, the following week I noticed him creeping around again. Always made to feel like I was a crazy person for this mind you (manipulation at work!).

During this process I can also notice things in the last month that made me unattractive. I kinda stopped going out as much on my own, I had let my apt become messy for nearly a month (not hoarder messy, but not great), she had also got into cycling a good bit with me so I blurred some lines of girlfriend with that as well. So while ultimately she's the weak piece of shit who gave up, found the easy way out and fucked around, I can also look at myself and the things I did leading up to her doing that, which could've lead to that. I'm hoping it leads to me not making the same mistakes I made this time around because I really did value the relationship with this woman in a way that I was prepared to work long and hard to see this one through as long as I could, because our time with each other, that had nothing to do with her job or her newfound drinking problem, were easy like sunday morning and thoroughly enjoyable, no matter what we were doing

I didn't mean to write the sequel to war & peace, as I've also left out many details/red flags (like her having not been "single" for more than a month or two in 8 years (one six year relationship, another for a year, prior) mainly because they really aren't important at the end of the day. She didn't want to be with me anymore the way I wanted to be with her. You can't make someone feel or do anything. Sure things had no reason to get so malicious and sloppy, but what's done is done

Troll, I'm just your AFC turning into an MRA / MGTOW guy. If I'm honest here, and so I can receive a lot more shit on this forum, I've never had any luck with women. 29, 6'2", 185lbs, exercise regularly (have no confidence in my geneticly gifted appearance whatsoever), and have exactly 0 game/social skills whatsoever with the opposite sex. Hell, just conversational skills in social gatherings are nearly impossible for me. Small talk is like Greek and quantum mechanics rolled into one for me, I'll always be in awe do those who can talk about nothing with a stranger for 20 minutes.

So learning all of this hasn't been truly eye opening, but it's been quite entertaining from a science standpoint. The sexes are not the same, and men need to be shown this so they can stop fucking up their relationships with women because they start listening to a women. You don't ask a deer or a fish how to hunt or catch them. You ask a hunter or a fisherman.

Big Phoenix_sl said:

Never understand douchebags her persue taken women.

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I'm pretty sure Ham admitted to plowing someone else's woman before - so he could probably enlighten you.

Famm_sl said:

Yeah, but I think you underlie my point as well. Women are generally a scarce resource for the average man. Males don't have women approaching them constantly and throwing themselves at their feet. Women do, and generally are jumping into a relationship, or into bed, or into the hypothetical arms of a sympathetic guy friend upon relationships not only ending, but even hitting the rocks. This for one thing primes them for potential to "cheat" like ham's girl. Not to use him as an exact example since I don't know details, but theoretically she could be seeking solace from their fight and the "cheating" happens when she gives another male an opening by going to him during a rough spot with ham.

The thing about oxytocin is that like any other neurological chemical reaction you can get tolerant to it. So the same partner might create smaller and smaller doses of it firing in your brain. Whereas the novelty of a new partner is going to boost the oxytocin reaction up again and give you back that pair bonding high you are now missing with old Sally/Sammy plain and boring. The sooner you replace that oxytocin the easier it is to break free of the old bond.

For a guy you have to push through the depression you experience from the oxytocin withdrawal, and go be proactive to replace it. For a girl, sure you may be sad, but as soon as your girlfriends get you out to the club there will be multiple new partners showing up almost literally at your feet to replace your missing chemical. Due to cognitive associations from prior hook ups or first dates, that stuff starts flowing again immediatelyeven if she isn't interested in going home with the guy.

For the dumped boyfriend on the other hand, even if you go try to jump back on the horse the first rejection will feel twice as bad in your chemical starved brain and limit your ability to bounce back. Thus we see guys being stuck on that "one" girl and trying to string a ruined relationship on past the point of no return even while the girl is going out with a new man.

I'm really just talking out of my ass, so that could all be somehow proven wrong, but it sounds good.

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That's a lot of conclusions drawn from having zero foundational knowledge of the chemical and the way it operates.

re: ham, thanks for more details. It's good to keep a mind about what you could have done differently, etc, but don't blur the lines of trying to do better for next time vs taking responsibility for what happened. She cheated, not you. It's her fault.

Badabidi_sl said:

I'm pretty sure Ham admitted to plowing someone else's woman before - so he could probably enlighten you.

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I have, on several occasions, and this girl had a boyfriend when I met her. I didn't pursue this gf at all for the first 6 months I knew her because any of it, but the more distant her and her bf grew (he lived 3 hours away) and the more time I spent with her, the more I put myself and her in a position (her doing as well) to get to the point where we could be more than friends. I'm pretty sure I could've slept with her earlier than I did (especially now that I know what she's capable of), but I refused to pursue her physically until she was out of the relationship. Of course because of his distance she was basically casually dating me for a month before he even got dumped, and slept with me the day before she broke up with him. She stayed over a night, I wouldn't do anything, the next day she asked to stay over again and convinced me as soon as he was back in town (the next day) it was over. Maybe I should've waited, but I "plowed" her that night. Obviously this on top of her mom being remarried 6 times shows a super destructive pattern in regards to relationship, and I ended up 'getting mine' in the end as well. I bet the dude I 'took' her from is tap dancing his ass to work every morning.

The usual 'call for a good time' list has definitely been hit up in the last week, and the ones who are with people I am not pursuing for anything at all. Not that I ever wanted to make a girl on that list a girlfriend ever, but karma is starting to feel a little real lately.

ham_sl said:

Obviously this on top of her mom being remarried 6 times

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Wow, yeah no big loss here.

Leadsalad_sl said:

Nope, I don't hate women at all.

I understand them now, that's the difference.

Oh, and here's youroxytocinfor you.

'Surprisingly, girls who had experienced physical abuse didn't show a cortisol response to stress at all," says Leslie Seltzer, a postdoctoral researcher at the University of Wisconsin-Madison. "Instead, they have a spike of oxytocin during stress."'

Women are fucked up creatures.

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Take a girl to an amusement park, if she wants to have sex with you afterward, dump her because she's got a fucked up past that isn't worth dealing with.

Famm_sl said:

Yeah, but I think you underlie my point as well. Women are generally a scarce resource for the average man.

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I was a virgin until I was 26, slept with over 30 women between 26 and 30.

They are only a scarce resource as long as you are low value to them. As their values go down, and your values go up... you can figuratively swim in a sea of pussy.

apologies for the lack of response, I was busy with work, the woman, life, etc...


update: bitches be crazy. seriously, I'm now afraid of this girl coming out of the shadows and stabbing me. after less than a week she told me she loved me and then an hour later told me she was leaving town. and when I told her I didnt want her coming to my place she came over and then wouldnt leave for two hours. two hours of me begging her to leave. two hours of me not wanting to touch her for fear of a rape/abuse charge. I have an audio recording of her freaking out. the fucked up thing is, we had just had a really great day together. I was thinking that I could be with this one for a long time. my new girl is gin. she cheap, but makes me feel good. Obviously this is a tl;dr version, so much craziness for one small chick.

edit: she wont stop calling/texting. my phone is now off, but at last count it was 18 missed(rejected) calls.

If anyone cares for an update from me, shit remains pretty awesome with the lady friend. Her schedule is still a bit of a fucked up mess, but we're able to spend a bit more time together than previously. Thankfully she's on a good track to have a full time or nearly full time job doing autism research at a local facility in a couple months, so that's good. Right now she works there two days a week, then does autism aid shifts with families another 10-15 hours a week (not including driving to/from their houses), and also still puts in a couple shifts a week at the restaurant she works at. But now that she's "in the system" at the research facility, she's better placed to apply for other positions within it. She's only been there for a couple weeks but already they've told her that another similar position that's a "0.6" shift will be posted in the fall, so if she manages to pick that up she'll be able to work more or less full time there, regular hours. She might still work the occasional aid shift, and/or pickup the occasional weekend shift at the restaurant, but she'll hopefully be done working 6-7 days a week (but only 5-7 hours a day) in the near future.

The honeymoon period is definitely ending, or at least I detect her annoyance with me more often than I did previously. But nothing I'm too worried about. We still have never really had much of a fight or argument. She got pissed when we were camping with friends and I traded my share of our dehydrated meal for someone's steak (we were supposed to be sampling the meal in preparation for hiking the West Coast Trail, one of the other girls there didn't want the steak her husband had brought for her, so I traded with her). That's seriously the most pissed I've seen her.

The other night we were up late doing some planning for hiking the West Coast Trail in a couple weeks, and she got a little snippy with me a couple times, and was probably justified since I can be a jackass sometimes. Either way, I calmly asked her if anything was going on that I should know about, as I'd noticed her getting a little "short" with me a few times previously, and especially that night. She said no, she was just tired and stressed and thought I was being a bit of a dick (she got a little misty eyed). I said it wasn't a big deal, I just wanted to make sure that there wasn't anything else going on, told her I was sorry if I was being a dick, we finished up what we were doing and went to bed. Next day I get a nice text saying she was sorry for being grumpy, that I make her life a lot better and less stressful and that she really appreciates me. Aw.

So yeah, domestic bliss more or less at this point. I don't recall if I mentioned previously about her car getting stolen, but that shit still hasn't been resolved. It still hasn't turned up anywhere, which is kind of surprising. For the time being she's driving some piece of shit mini-van her fuckup of a dad was able to loan her. She's only going to get maybe a couple grand from insurance, when they finally pay it out. She doesn't need or want anything too fancy, just something reliable and reasonably new, but she has no money otherwise so she's probably going to finance it. I'm debating whether or not to offer to loan her the cash (with a proper promissory note), if only to take some of the stress out of it for her. She's already got a bit of student debt, no idea how much. She might have CC debt, I'm not sure. Gonna have to talk finances with her eventually. A few thousand bucks is a big deal for her, and understandably so, but for me it's an afterthought. I just put 6k down on a heli ski trip this winter (that she doesn't need to know the cost of). I'd just like the problem of her car to go away, it's been really wearing on her.

Still no "L word" from either of us. Going out of town to a wedding this weekend with her, and I think I'll raise the subject one way or another. Seems like it's long past time at this point.