Girls who broke your heart thread

Question that comes to mind: why didn"t she just remove her ex from facebook, instead of a bunch of other people.


I thought I was doing better for a while, until yesterday. Went shopping for a rain jacket and ran into Steph"s best friend in the mall. We went for a coffee together and talked a bit... and I finally found out what was the main problem:

Steph is a very busy person, while I am... not. So whenever she went after one of her hobbys (about which I never complained, mind you), she felt bad for not being able to give me more time of her day.
I didn"t mind, really. We did hang out enough, I knew before that she"s very active and can be unavailable for days at a time.
Looks like she put a lot of pressure on herself because of that. Or that"s what her best friend said.

So yesterday evening and this morning were spent thinking about her and a lot of "what if" shit. Two weeks of slowly getting over her, *bam* gone like nothing. Shit shit shit.

It"s amazing how effective a new girl can be at displacing the last one out of your mind.

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I should really try that soon or I might go nuts.

I should really try that soon or I might go nuts.

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Do you really want to add another woman into the mix of "people you instantly get hung-up on whenever you see them again?"

GrobbeeTrull2.0 said:

Do you really want to add another woman into the mix of "people you instantly get hung-up on whenever you see them again?"

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Grobster has a point. Finding a new playtoy helps get over your last one, but only if you don"t get attached to the new one and repeat the cycle.

Try powerhousing through the next couple weeks. It"ll hurt and it"ll suck, but try to be selfish. Hang out with friends, do stupid shit, whatever makes you happy. Be functional and happy on your own without thinking about the hunnies.

niteflyx said:

Grobster has a point. Finding a new playtoy helps get over your last one, but only if you don"t get attached to the new one and repeat the cycle.

Try powerhousing through the next couple weeks. It"ll hurt and it"ll suck, but try to be selfish. Hang out with friends, do stupid shit, whatever makes you happy. Be functional and happy on your own without thinking about the hunnies.

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I"m aware of that (the bold). It"s not like women are going after me like moths after light anyway so it"s all hypothetical.

Hanging out with friends and going to work are nice distractions, but unfortunately there"s still too many times when I"m alone, and those are ass, some days. Other days it"s ok, but some days... meh.

Today was such an ass day.

Ronaan said:

I"m aware of that (the bold). It"s not like women are going after me like moths after light anyway so it"s all hypothetical.

Hanging out with friends and going to work are nice distractions, but unfortunately there"s still too many times when I"m alone, and those are ass, some days. Other days it"s ok, but some days... meh.

Today was such an ass day.

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Those times are the worst. But if you occupy yourself during those times with maybe a new hobby or you just get used to it, instead of those times being "oh man, I"m so lonely, I wish I had <somegirl> here" it"ll eventually turn into "man, I"m bored. This sucks, I"m going to go do something" which is much more manageable.

When I was at that stage, when I was bored, I couldn"t even just pick up a few rounds of TF2 without getting all mopey. Now if I"m bored, I can actually enjoy time alone which is great. And chances and opps will come up, and once you"re happy with yourself and confident () you"ll be in a much better place to handle all these women which WILL happen.

Yeah I hear you... the PS3 sits there collecting dust, can"t be arsed to play anything. I try to get out on my bike as much as I can, or go climbing, but even while biking you have too much time to think.

And there"s still coming up ... perfect girl to not get attached to.

I have 3 weeks off soon (starting in 3 weeks), there"s a huge town festival coming up in the first week that I have off, then a weekend on a motorbike meeting, and 2 weeks of whatever after that (probably going to try and hang out with my coworker buddies). Going to see what happens in that time.

And until then I can still go around collecting WoW achievement points, amirite?

Kasi said:

I think the point is that no relationship (marriage or otherwise) that is based on sexual attraction can last. Unless you are one of the very lucky few to be in a relationship with the (woman or man) of your dreams you"re just going to eventually get over the early relationship heavy sex phase. At that point you better have a solid friendship to fall back upon or your relationship is fucked. I think from what I"ve read/heard of most successful long term relationships is that the couple are basically best friends. Thus long dry periods where the sex is infrequent doesn"t doom the relationship, because you still want to hang around with the other person and do stuff together, just like you"d want to do with any best friend.

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Wise words.

lost, that"s odd behavior from her. No idea whether it means anything about her interest in you or not, but at best it"s just stupid (whoever said she should be de-friending the ex, not everyone else, is right). He"s obv. got power over her still so even if she"s still interested in you, you probably don"t wanna be bothering with it.

Ronaan said:

I finally found out what was the main problem:

Steph is a very busy person, while I am... not. So whenever she went after one of her hobbys (about which I never complained, mind you), she felt bad for not being able to give me more time of her day.
I didn"t mind, really. We did hang out enough, I knew before that she"s very active and can be unavailable for days at a time.
Looks like she put a lot of pressure on herself because of that. Or that"s what her best friend said.

So yesterday evening and this morning were spent thinking about her and a lot of "what if" shit. Two weeks of slowly getting over her, *bam* gone like nothing. Shit shit shit.

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Good info, but clearly feeling bad about not meeting you more often due to being busy is not a reason by itself to break up. That info does help though to discover the real reason, which we all kinda knew anyway: you were too available. The ultimate result of her feeling bad that she isn"t with you as much as she thinks you want to be is losing attraction.

I believe we said this on day 3 of you guys seeing each other when many people urged "DONT SPEND SO MUCH TIME TOGETHER" and you rejeced the advice because she expressed that she wanted to see you just as frequently. Some argued that as long as you were mutual in your desire to see each other so often that it was fine. Well, this is the result of that line of thinking.

This sounds a little like "I told you so" I guess but its advice that is always ignored and I want other people to see that yet another case where such behavior leads to a breakup. Sometimes it won"t hurt you, but itneverhurts to ensure some time apart now and then even if you have to make up reasons to be busy. A guy who is too available is not attractive, even if the girl is just as available. The obvious better option is toactuallybe busy. Go take a new language course, go to meetup.com and find an interest, whatever. It makes you a more rounded person and happier, which naturally makes you more attractive, plus allows you to meet more people, leading to new friends and new girls.
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After the ordeal with the Koean girl I started thinking. I was excessively patient with her and rather than breaking up with her, I would (nicely but firmly) express my grievances, hoping that she"d get the hint and start doing what I wanted her to. But she never gave any hint that she was even capable of doing anything other than what she always does. Yet I continued to give her chances to do that.

I realized that being reluctant to break it off with a girl who wasn"t living up to my expectations was the #1, fundamental problem with my dating behavior. It shows that you don"t have any standards, which shows thatyoudon"t think you are as great as you really are. That comes off as lack of confidence and results in loss of attraction.

I recently began thinking that there are 2 seperate goals to becoming an ideal (and attractive) man. The first is to develop traits that you are lacking: social skills, projecting confidence, manners, outer appearance/style, etc. You first have to BE a great person before you can completely act it. The second is to develop a willingness to express your personality boldly and without apology, no matter the circumstances.

#1 is the most important and the biggest factor that distinguishes the ultra-desireable confident guys and the "oh my god he"s so fuckin annoying I can"t wait to get away from him" confident guys. Social savey is kinda impossible to teach, just has to be practiced really. I never was able to pick it up naturally so when I was younger I just watched people who were natural and mimicked their behavior, then eventually started developing it on my own. But if you don"t have it, you can be the most confident guy on earth and still come off as a douche. So I think the first goal is to develop yourself as a person. Ask yourself honestly are you a guy that you"d want your daughter to be dating? Work on this until you can say so without any "but"s.

This 2nd part is the hardest for me and I think the hardest for any guy who isn"t a natural. I have spent a lot of time becomming a better person (I started off socially awkward, not friendly, cynical), and am pretty happy with where I"m at now. But I"m still struggling on #2. Since I"m used to having some pretty major faults, it"s not natural for me to project myself ultra-confidently. And that is the end goal now, which I can only think to learn by practice, reflection, correction and more practice. Eomer from everything you"ve said it seems like you are a pretty solid guy, but struggling on #2 also.

dude, there is no number two, one, or even three.

You don"t correct bad behavior, you make it acceptable...

Even if you are annoying, it doesn"t matter as long as you"re not listening to anyone else in order to be "not annoying."

it"s pretty crazy!

Ronaan said:

Question that comes to mind: why didn"t she just remove her ex from facebook, instead of a bunch of other people.

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I"m going to go out on a limb and say because he"s not her ex. I"d say she cheated on him with Lost, then removed Lost as well as his friends to make sure none of them made any posts that could get her caught. If she"s not still with her ex, she wants to be.

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Mustaffi, are you single?

lost said:

Yeah you"re telling me, I went out lastnight to hang with best friend, he"s got this new fuck that pretty much has him whipped, he has a bud there thats got the fuck"s friend there too, so its like two couples making out and im just chilling here, like wow never been in this position for last 3 years, lets feel even more alone!

So yeah, ass night, assday since its sunday.. whoo time to get a job. I don"t know about you but I dont have fun hanging out with guy friends that much unless we find some chicks to go after, keeps me occupied and hopeful, otherwise sitting around watching tv is something i can do without using gas.. at my house.

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The 3rd/5th/odd number wheel thing sucks, especially if they"re PDAing up in this (which, tbh, gtfo with that shit). Try to get some bro time down, and give them some shit (lightly) if they constantly bring their girls to that stuff. Emasculating whipped jokes work great here.

If you can"t enjoy bro time without chicks involved in anyway (either your girl or hunting for girls), then you probably to learn to live more independently and WITHOUT girls, or else you"ll just be constantly thinking about "SIGH I wish I had some girl here". I did the same shit, it sucks, but once you can enjoy being yourself, you"ll love bro-time and it"ll get even better when you do go out looking to slay some pussy.

TheCutlery said:

If I had to guess, I"d say it"s because Eomer doesn"t like the type of women that he attracts, and then he fucks up with the women he does like by coming on too strong. The shallow, vapid, gold digging cunts that would typically follow a pretty well-off guy around don"t spur his interest, and the chicks he is interested in, he smothers.

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I don"t know that I necessarily "attract" gold digging cunts, first of all. If you just saw me walking down the street, or met me randomly, you wouldn"t have much of an idea where I"m at financially or career wise. I don"t flaunt shit around. I mean even my car doesn"t say a lot, there"s plenty of guys in their 20"s driving nice cars. It"s not like I"m constantly having gold diggers jump all over me (if at all!).

And to be fair to Xerxes, I wouldn"t describe her that way either. She"s more monetarily motivated than average and has expensive tastes, but I doubt she"s the kind to latch on to any asshole who has money.

As far as the "smothers" thing goes, you"re probably right in some respects. In Chuck"s case, no question there, and in Anne"s case that appears to have been at least part of the downfall. But let"s face it, in both cases the relationships probably were not destined to last anyway, or possibly were doomed from the start. In Chuck"s case, she was way younger in a totally different place in her life with the travelling and so on. In Anne"s case, there was the whole Jay issue, whether that was integral to things falling apart or just peripheral (I think it was a fairly large chunk of the reason).

Definitely lessons to be learned from both, though.

Dabamf said:

Eomer from everything you"ve said it seems like you are a pretty solid guy, but struggling on #2 also.

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Actually, I"d say that #2 applies to me, in general anyway. Perhaps less so in dating situations. I"m known amongst friends as being pretty much unconcerned about what other people think about me, to the point that it"s sometimes almost a negative characteristic (I"m opinionated, not shy of correcting people, etc). Anne herself would call me a cocky little shit on a frequent basis, amongst other comments. Chuck felt that I almost talked down to her.

But there"s no question that in the past two relationships where I"ve developed strong feelings for the girl I"ve managed to lose the "power" or whatever you want to call it that I initially held early in the relationship. As mentioned above and by people in other posts, that"s mostly likely a result of being too available and/or smothering the girl to some extent.

Eomer said:

I don"t know that I necessarily "attract" gold digging cunts, first of all. If you just saw me walking down the street, or met me randomly, you wouldn"t have much of an idea where I"m at financially or career wise. I don"t flaunt shit around. I mean even my car doesn"t say a lot, there"s plenty of guys in their 20"s driving nice cars. It"s not like I"m constantly having gold diggers jump all over me (if at all!).

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I think you severely underestimate how much you flaunt your shit. Fuck, this entire board knows your tax income bottom line for the past severel years, let alone what you do and how well the business is going.

That"s cause it"s fun to brag in anonymity here, it"s an outlet for that. I"m aware of it! Otherwise IRL my shit is kept on the down low. Like I said, it"s fun to brag here, and in the long run completely meaningless since I"m about as close to anonymous here as I can be. Whether people believe me or not means about as much to me as how well I do means to them, in all likelihood.

Not trying to de-rail this thread or offend you, but you honestly think it"s fun to brag about your possessions on an internet message board? The fact that it"s anonymous is the weird part to me. Everyone that knows me personally in real life has a pretty good idea of my lifestyle, so I don"t really see the need to constantly post pictures of my house or vehicles anonymously on the internet to try and prove to people I don"t know that I have money.

Again I"m not trying to upset you or anything, like I said it just seems a little strange to me.