Girls who broke your heart thread

Phoenix said:

Telling a some random girl you work with and only known for a few months that youre not interested in being "just friends" does not make you an asshole, especially after you where up front with her about your intentions and told her how you felt.

Sure he could go the extra mile and reply to one of her texts or talk to her and reaffirm his previous statement but not doing that doesnt make him and asshole.

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Come on. Completely ignoring someone you work with because you got shot down is a cold move. It"s the right move if he wants the "best" outcomes (Either getting this chick OR being free of her)...But it"s not the nice thing to do.

The "polite" thing to do is do what Erron said and politely tell her to leave him alone. Have an adult conversation with her. It"s not going to get him any and it might backfire and "restart" this one sided relationship but it is the polite thing to do.

Erronius said:

That was in response to the "twisting" comment, it wasn"t meant to encourage him to stay in a "friends without benefits" relationship. It"s like you didn"t even read what I wrote, /boggle.

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No, I did. I just found it funny that your time line inadvertently showed how he was being used as an emotional supplicant for the guy who was actually in the relationship with her. You didn"t mean for it be seen like that (I think you meant for it to show how he took the situation wrong, through a logical progression of events.) but when you break the list down that is what it shows.

Another reason I found it funny is because sheistwisting it and your time line also shows that really well, too. She is acting all surprised by his attraction when it"s obvious that their relationship,on an emotional level, was probably *greater* than her current boyfriends connection to her. So she was probably "closer"emotionallyto Kir but when physical intimacy comes up, it"s allshocking.She knows it wasn"t shocking, she knows exactly what she was doing. She only acted that way to flip it around and make it his problem.

We (Men) really need to give women more credit in this area. They know every move they make in a "friend" relationship. Our reactions to them arealmostnever surprising to them(Barring unstable rapists ect.) and if they act surprised, it"s only to keep us off balance or garner something extra from you. In this case she is acting shocked because she wants the emotional support back without all those intimacy strings attached.

I plan on eventually discussing it like an adult with her. Right now I"m just trying to hopefully get the wheels turning in her head that using guys as emotional lapdogs isn"t cool.

To give a little background on why I think Lithose is right and she knewexactlywhat she was doing our entire friendship I"ll give a brief story about how the friendship all started..

I"ve always kind of had a "thing" for her, but could never muster up the guts to ask for her number. So, finally, one day she tells me that she has an interview and she might be leaving soon. So, I figure since I have nothing else to lose and I don"t want to regret it later, I need to just ask her before she leaves. She gives it to me and we start talking a little that day through texts(she never got the job she had an interview for, obviously.) The subject of sports comes up and I let her know that I"m a 49er fan. She says that she doesn"t really like sports, but she"s a Broncos fan by default. I ask her why and she says, "Well, my boyfriend likes them." I say, "You have a boyfriend?" and she says "You didn"t know?" So..I don"t respond and about an hour later she says "You aren"t going to stop talking to me now, are you?" This is probably when I should have just said "Yeah, sorry." Instead, I said "I"m going to warn you upfront because this is probably eventually going to come up later if we become friends. It"sreallyhard for me to be "just friends" with women I"m attracted to. So, we can try to be friends, but I"m not promising anything." She said, "Nah, I"m cool with that."

And now that I"ve done some thinking over the past few days without my dick thinking for me, I"m starting to come to the realization that I let her play with my emotions like a fiddle. Obviously, I"m far from innocent, but I still feel led on in a way..

Well this seems to be handling itself...

I got back to my original statement, "it depends on what you want." You can"t have wanted a serious relationship with this girl or you wouldn"t be tossing your friendship with her out the window because you made a misjudgment about if/when/how to ask her out.

There"s a whole lot of sides to this:

1) Women, like men, need friends. Crazy but true. In fact, because of the weird "they aren"t men" factor, some times they need a friend they can talk to who is the same gender as the person they want.

2) Should a relationship be built on friendship? Well...yes. Are people looking for the same thing in friends that they are in relationships? Often times, no.

3) "My relationship sucks / I hate my boyfriend" is not a come on.

4) Some times women manipulate men"s desire for them to use them as friends. That"s not cool, and they deserve blowback when they get caught doing it. Any indication she was doing this or was she just turning to you, as a friend, in a time of need? "Hey I just broke up with my bf, and I"m so upset...will you come over?" from a girl who knows you want her is a pretty shady move most likely engineered to give her a shoulder to cry on (something you probably don"t enjoy being) with some vague possibility of sex (that you aren"t going to get) or at least a foot in the door (which is not going to happen). Talking to you or texting you...really doesn"t fit the bill. Especially if she had no way of knowing you wanted her.

5) This starts to come down to who you want to be, not just how you want to react to this. You want to be someone who gets mad pussy? Well then, sorry to say, learning to be a jerk is probably a good move for you. Hope you"re attractive, because ugly/fat jerk doesn"t usually work out, but some times it does. So work that. You want a serious relationship somewhere down the line with someone who you would have enjoyed as a friend also? Probably not the path to go down.

BIG QUESTION:

Were you -- from your perspective -- actually her friend, or were you in the bullpen?

If you were her friend, you"re screwing up pretty badly at being her friend.

If you were in the bullpen, turns out you weren"t really, so move along.

[Edit] Yeah I missed your post where she found out upfront that you were attracted to her. It"s a little inconclusive. The whole thing is inconclusive really; we have only your perspective to rely on and obviously your perspective was unreliable in this instance. Hopefully all these thoughts from your fellow mens will help you in the future.

I told myself I would never step back into this thread, but Kirun"s situation hits so close to home, I needed to at least explain what happened to me over ten years ago-

When I met my ex, for me it was love at first site. for 3 years, she knew how I felt about her and almost like clockwork, every 6 months I would ask her out on a date only to be rejected. Pretty much, right at the end of the 3rd year of our friendship, I had to move to Georgia because I had run into some financial problems and my folks lived out there.

A month after I moved out there, my ex (not my ex yet, of course- We hadnt even dated at this point) was telling me how much she missed me and wished that I lived in Texas. Being the stupid male I was, I figured this meant that she wanted me. I told her how much i cared for her and that i wanted to try and build a relationship (again) and she shot me down. I was so angry. I was furious actually. I told her that if she did not want a relationship, that she wasnt going to get my friendship, that it wasnt fair that she got what she wanted and I didnt. She said "Fuck you" in a pouty/crying voice and I hung up on her. About 3 hours passed and I felt horrible. I felt like I was being selfish and that it wasnt her fault that she did not have feelings for me. I called her back and apologized later that night. I continued being her friend, listening to her high school relationship woes and how her friends were little bitches because they were jealous of her new piercings/her new car/her new boyfriend. I hated it, but I was still her friend.

A month after that, she was preparing for her gaduation and begged for me to come to it. I was the only person she wanted there. I flew back for her graduation and met 2 of her friends. Unbeknown to me, both friends were talking to her about "I wish I had a guy like that.", "Why arent you with a guy like that?", etc... After I returned to Georgia, we continued being friends. As time went on, I heard less and less about guys. Really to the point there were none at all and instead of getting her attention (online) for 30-an hour a night, I was getting like 4 hours a night. (It was a slow increase, so it wasnt really anything i had noticed)

2 months later, she informs me that her dad has allowed her to fly out to Georgia to come visit me. She comes and stays with me on the July 4th week/weekend in 2000. The first night she was there, I kissed her. The next night, she was kissing me. By the time she left, we were pretty much in a relationship without anything said. 2 weeks later, she told me she loved me (and a couple of years later, she told me the moment she knew she loved me). Amonth after her visit, i moved back to Texas and the rest is history.

I guess what I am trying to say- Dont shit on the girl because you dont get what you want right now. There are times you do ignore a girl, but I think this is one of those times where you dont. You suck it up and you be her friend. Your idea that she has been stringing you along the whole time is just your justification for your current actions.

You might be screwing yourself out of something great and you dont even know it. If this guy (the guy she ran back to) fucked up once, he will fuck up again. Nice guys may finish last, but they do finish.

I was all set to weigh in and say that I think Kirun is doing the right thing here, actually, you end up losing friends for all kinds of reasons and this one is more legit than some. Then Brad told his story and that sealed it, Kirun don"t be her friend.

Awlbiste said:

I was all set to weigh in and say that I think Kirun is doing the right thing here, actually, you end up losing friends for all kinds of reasons and this one is more legit than some. Then Brad told his story and that sealed it, Kirun don"t be her friend.

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SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much this ^^^^

I feel better about my opinion already

Did it work out??

TheCutlery said:

I"d just like to say that as a married guy, the friend zone guys are awesome. My wife has one, he used to live a floor below us when we were doing the apartment thing, known him for probably 13 years now. He does shit with my wife that I have no interest in doing (shopping, ren festival, etc). He"s in the friend zone, he knows it. Hasn"t ever made a move on my wife or even hinted he would.

It"s fucking great. It eliminates all the bullshit stuff that you"re normally expected to do as a husband, and leaves me just the stuff I wanna do and teh sexorz.

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My husband loves that I have guy friends/gay boyfriends. They go shopping with me when he doesn"t want to go, or go with me to see an indie flick that he has no interest in...basically, what Cutlery said here.

And yeah, I don"t have an interest in fucking any of them. So he lets me haul them along on stuff he doesn"t want to do, I let him go out with his friends without me tagging along unless he wants me to, and stuff that we want to do together, we do.

Hell, most of the time that we"re at home, he"s watching movies and playing WOW in the living room, and I"m back in my office playing video games. We both value our alone time, we have different sets of friends with only a few mutual "couple" friends, and it works out great, because we don"t get tired or bored of each other.

Evelys said:

My husband loves that I have guy friends/gay boyfriends. They go shopping with me when he doesn"t want to go, or go with me to see an indie flick that he has no interest in...basically, what Cutlery said here.

And yeah, I don"t have an interest in fucking any of them. So he lets me haul them along on stuff he doesn"t want to do, I let him go out with his friends without me tagging along unless he wants me to, and stuff that we want to do together, we do.

Hell, most of the time that we"re at home, he"s watching movies and playing WOW in the living room, and I"m back in my office playing video games. We both value our alone time, we have different sets of friends with only a few mutual "couple" friends, and it works out great, because we don"t get tired or bored of each other.

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Fuck that, my wife knows better than to have straight male friends. Gay is one thing, straight, fuck that shit in the ass.

She views the same thing with me and women. Coworkers who are male, going out to work related events is one thing, but one on one straight male friend going out to do whatever. Big no-no.

Ive been married for about 8 years now, but to each their own I guess.

Dis said:

Fuck that, my wife knows better than to have straight male friends. Gay is one thing, straight, fuck that shit in the ass.

She views the same thing with me and women. Coworkers who are male, going out to work related events is one thing, but one on one straight male friend going out to do whatever. Big no-no.

Ive been married for about 8 years now, but to each their own I guess.

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Whatever makes your marriage work, you should go with! The hubby has a couple of female friends, and they"re actually pretty cool. One of them even taught me how to knit and crochet. They usually go out as a group with him and their other mutual guy friends though, so I"ve never really been worried about him cheating.

But after reading this thread, and talking with RL friends, I think that our relationship is definitely the minority type, and probably wouldn"t work for a lot of people. It works for us, and it sounds like you and your wife has something that works for you if you"ve been going strong for eight years.

TheCutlery said:

We are absolutely in the minority. After reading the shit a few pages ago about the dude"s gf wanting to go over to a male"s house and watch movies and shit I thought "So? Big fucking deal."

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If your wife is going over to another man"s house and cooking him dinner, having drinks and watching movies with him....Yeah, it"s a big deal. Relationships are a lot more than about sex. I seriously doubt Evel"s husband would be cool with her going over to a straight man"s house, cooking him dinner and getting drunk with him. Especially if she told her husband that he was attractive. It"s an entirely different beast than "going out with friends".

Ah, but see, you"re missing the wisdom of the thread. The friend zone automatically means that the dude is never even going to get a whiff. It"s not his choice. If a chick wants to fuck a guy, she"ll fuck em. If she wants a friend, that"s all he"ll ever be. There"s zero reason at all to be worried about the friend zone guys...they"re the exact same guys in this thread. Even when shit does turn south, she still has no interest in them because she has no interest in them that way.

It"s all about trust man. If you trust her, then everything works itself out.

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Friend zone guys, for most women, are like spare tires. They always hope they don"t need them and they never want to look at them as something to ride on regularly...But if things go flat in the primary relationship, they are what is going to be used. Make no mistake, if a guy is in the friend zone and he is attractive--He has a shot when things go south in the primary relationship.