Marriage and the Power of Divorce

Gunnar said:

I was half kidding to myself that I would make a post about how fucked I am, but it definitely ended up getting a bit more real than I meant to. And I didn't mean to open up a rerolled psychiatric practice for you guys to fix.

Sometimes it's good to get it out however you can. I am currently sitting in my car eating a large baconator combo to avoid going home for dinner. I have a long way to go.

Thanks for all the replies and advice.

Maybe I can get my wife to dress up like Cammy and get this shit back on the rails.

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You can definitely get life back on the rails; that may or may not involve staying with your wife. But drinking cases/fifths at a time while hoping your wife dies accidentally isn't a way to live. Nor is deluding yourself that you're "sexually incompetent" or whatever. Sex with a new partner typically improves over time as you figure them out. You're just probably depressed as fuck and down on yourself irrationally.

Gunnar said:

I was half kidding to myself that I would make a post about how fucked I am, but it definitely ended up getting a bit more real than I meant to. And I didn't mean to open up a rerolled psychiatric practice for you guys to fix.

Sometimes it's good to get it out however you can. I am currently sitting in my car eating a large baconator combo to avoid going home for dinner. I have a long way to go.

Thanks for all the replies and advice.

Maybe I can get my wife to dress up like Cammy and get this shit back on the rails.

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Thanks for sharing, it must have been very difficult.

Find an AA Meeting tonight to go to, if none are tonight, go tomorrow. Go home and poor out all your alcohol, tell your wife you love her (even you are not sure) and let her know you are starting alcohol rehabilitation right now.

Get your Drinking in line (you can stop drinking but you can never stop being an alcoholic) before you really can see what else is broken in your life. You might find you don't hate your wife, you just hate what your life has become and see her as an easy scapegoat.

Hey man you have an infant. Cut that drinking shit out or they're gonna grow up thinking you're a piece of shit.

My mother is an alcoholic, it's definitely chasing the drunk not the taste

Cad said:

Honest question, no judgment, what makes you an alcoholic? You crave the intoxication from alcohol? Or you crave the taste? I find most alcohol tastes foul as shit. I only down a few drinks at parties if I desire to be a little tipsy. The actual act of drinking alcohol always makes me sick.

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I don't think I'm an alcoholic, but I definitely drink for both taste and to get drunk. I'm not much of a cocktail drinker, but love the way beer and wine taste and say I probably drink the first one or two because the taste sounds good and the last how ever many because I want to keep a buzz going. I drink most nights, but always after the kids are in bed and rarely make it past 4 drinks before I fall asleep (and I mean fall asleep normally, not pass out from the booze).

As far as what makes an alcoholic, I guess it's mostly how much it interferes with your life. My dad is a pretty big alcoholic but surprisingly was a decent father. He's not winning awards or anything but he wasn't abusive or exceptionally negligent. He never showed up drunk to work or drove drunk or anything. However he is pretty limited by his alcoholism. He won't go anywhere after work except home or to a bar within walking distance. His whole evening revolves around drinking 12-18 beers and it takes a miracle to get him to deviate from that routine.

alavaz said:

My dad is a pretty big alcoholic but surprisingly was a decent father. He's not winning awards or anything but he wasn't abusive or exceptionally negligent. He never showed up drunk to work or drove drunk or anything. However he is pretty limited by his alcoholism. He won't go anywhere after work except home or to a bar within walking distance. His whole evening revolves around drinking 12-18 beers and it takes a miracle to get him to deviate from that routine.

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Alcoholic for sure, and most likely an introvert.

Wrote something harsh but I can remember a time where I *kinda* felt resentful against my wife.

I realized I was projecting my own ability and ambition on to her and constantly comparing what I did compared to what she did, which is unfair because I obviously recognized she was much lower than myself intellectually and ambition wise when I met her.

To put it simply in my opinion it's kinda shitty to get pissed at the person you married for still being the person you married just because you decide that isn't good enough for you any more.

Cad said:

Honest question, no judgment, what makes you an alcoholic? You crave the intoxication from alcohol? Or you crave the taste? I find most alcohol tastes foul as shit. I only down a few drinks at parties if I desire to be a little tipsy. The actual act of drinking alcohol always makes me sick.

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Taste and Intoxication. I dont think there is anything as fun in my life as having some drinks and playing xbox with some friends. My buddies tend to be drinking as well. But I just go overboard. Like Labor day, I decided I was going to make steaks, put the kid to bed and play overwatch. Text some buddies and they are in. So I grab a 12 pack sampler of Sam. Have a beer while grilling. Have one with Dinner. Give the kid a bath and put him to sleep. boot up the xbox and play a 4 man overwatch group and drink beers while playing. Have a GREAT time - next thing I know im pretty damn drunk finishing the 12th beer around midnight - 1 am and go to bed. Wake up the next day hungover as fuck.

That tends to be my MO. I always Joke that im not an alcoholic...that alcoholics go to meetings....and that Im just a drunk. And i always defend myself with that it doesnt really effect my work, and I dont ever have like physical symptoms like shakes, sweats or dependency like that. But I think there are different levels. I dont drink every day. Shit ill go 4-5 days at least sometimes no problem. But I have no moderation and binge drink to excess weekly. It all bleeds together.

Monday the 6th - Drank 12 craft beers
Tuesday - I think I didnt drink
Wednesday - Went to the bar after work with friends. Had 4-5 beers and some shots. Went home and grabbed a 6 pack of pint cans.
Thursday - I think I didnt drink.
Friday - Went to bar, had beers and shots, no idea how much. Grabbed an 8 Pack of Pint cans and drank until 2 am.
Saturday - Got a bottle of Bourbon and drank a couple Bourbon and lemonades. I would say about 1/6th of a bottle, maybe less. 1 Liter bottle.
Sunday - Drank the Rest of the bottle with Lemonade starting at about 12 noon and ending at about 11PM

I have an emnpty bottle of Gin I drank over 3 nights, with some beers too. I am pretty sure they are fro mthe week before labor day, but there is so much going through my house I have no idea where and when its from.

I showed up to work every day, carry on a social life. Most people would probably think I like to drink beer because we talk about it, but I think I put off a more casual and healthy vibe than is reality. Where as they think im the beer loving sports guy, im really shambling around my house like Ozzy Osbourne at midnight on a weekday with about 20 drinks in me.

I dont know what to call it or classify it as other than unhealthy.

Swagdaddy said:

Wrote something harsh but I can remember a time where I *kinda* felt resentful against my wife.

I realized I was projecting my own ability and ambition on to her and constantly comparing what I did compared to what she did, which is unfair because I obviously recognized she was much lower than myself intellectually and ambition wise when I met her.

To put it simply in my opinion it's kinda shitty to get pissed at the person you married for still being the person you married just because you decide that isn't good enough for you any more.

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This is fair, but at the same time I have tried to better myself in life. While I have failed in MANY ways, I have also succeeded in many ways. I think its fair to expect your partner to continue to grow and improve. And if they dont and conflict arises, I dont think its wrong to be mad they are just the same person.



For what its worth I also have major anxiety issues. At times I am almost worthless in public. I wandered around the grocery store for 30 minutes the other day because I dont want to talk to people to ask where an Item is. Ive been working in a new office and havent gotten a tour - and its been 3 weeks and I havent eaten lunch because I dont know where a break room is to warm up food, and im too scared to wander to the cafeteria alone.

I didnt have these problems until after I got out of the Navy. I used to be fine socially.

I called a counseling center this morning and have an appointment tonight to just talk to a counselor in general about all my problems and figure out where to go.

I dont think any one thing causes all my problems, but they all feed off each other. And I think the marriage issues were the first problems to arise and exacerbate drinking, depression and anxiety.

The only person you should be mad at is yourself for having a child with a woman you don't even like or respect. You trapped yourself and you've been self medicating.

You'd probably have an easier time quitting the drinking if you removed yourself from a situation that, by your own account, catalyzes that behavior.

Khane said:

The only person you should be mad at is yourself for having a child with a woman you don't even like or respect. You trapped yourself and you've been self medicating.

You'd probably have an easier time quitting the drinking if you removed yourself from a situation that, by your own account, catalyzes that behavior.

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yeah thats pretty much How I feel about it.

If you're relationship is horrible, you'll never quit drinking or any habit you've picked up to cope with the misery of living with someone you despise. This is not a chicken and the egg situation, you've got to deal with the source of the misery first, then your addiction.

The percentage of alcoholics who actually get the DTs and are in danger of dying from withdrawal are probably pretty slim compared to the number of "functioning" alcoholics. It takes so much booze to get to that point that you've probably gone derelict way before you had the physical symptoms to worry about.

Gunnar said:

holy shit a lot of stuff

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You're getting a lot of advice that's probably good, but most of it includes REALLY big, dramatic changes to your life. They may be needed, but that doesn't make them easy. Instead, I'll suggest doing something small and simple every day to start building some willpower and to gain some positive momentum. It doesn't even matter what it is, just pick something that's 100% within your control and that makes you a little better, and then do it every day. Wake up a little earlier every day and go for a 20 minute walk. Do it for 1 month, then maybe add some other small thing. It doesn't sound like much, but a tiny improvement that you'll actually make is WAY better than a ton of dramatic changes that you won't. If you've actually hit the point where you're ready for giant changes, then great, carry on, but if the alternative is nothing, try this instead.

ZyyzYzzy said:

Considering how old he is and his current rate of consumption I'd disagree. Also, nothing preculdes one from being a functional alcoholic and also getting to the point in dependency where withdrawal can kill them.

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I don't know about him personally. If he really can/does skip days like he says then it doesn't sound like he is in danger of life threatening withdrawals. I was more so speaking generally. I've had the pleasure of growing up around a lot of alcoholics and the ones who got the DTs were always a fifth of hard liquor plus whatever else they can get their hands on drinkers who started pretty much the minute they woke up. I'm no medical professional though, so who knows.

edit: I'm not suggesting anyone who drinks 12 beers a day continue doing so because you don't have physical symptoms. I was more so making the point the physical symptoms are just a small part of being an alcoholic and not all alcoholics have them but they are definitely still alcoholics.